What do you do?

[ilovemykids2018]

Do you have photos of your step kids up around the house? I did photo collages of me and me eldest when I was a single parent and have those up to remind me of everything we did and went through and came out of. As we went abroad on our own whennhe was 16months. I have other photos of me my partner and the boys that people have done us as Christmas presents etc. My partner now wants us to display a massive poster in our bedroom of the step kids. I struggle with them staying let alone having to see them every day.


What do you about their birthdays? We do parties or whatever for the boys as they live here, their mum does parties for them. If we did one we would have to travel 100 miles to them first, as we are never invited to the ones she does.

Am I wrong that I can’t always find the money for him to go to every school play or assembly as it is 200 mile round trip!

Would you give them their own bedroom.

Do you pay any extra than csa? I personallly won’t but he gets guilt tripped.

My partner wants to ask to have his eldest daughter for 2 weeks in the school holidays to get her swimming lessons as the mother doesn’t, and ‘because we pay for the 3 year old and 9 month old’ it’s a lot of money to fine the extra.

I don’t like them picking up their baby brother because he is a really heavy 9 month old plus they are always covered in nits. Which I constantly treat however they come back again covered.

I have done them their own snack draw like I have for my eldest, but they always claim it’s never good enough compared to his. He has the yoyo bear fruit things, and the fruit shapes etc because he is still that age to have them and they are expensive so we get them like the Maryland cookie mini packs (as we do for my sons draw.) and sometimes Asda own bits which apparentlt it’s not branded so they won’t eat. So inkeeep catching them stealing stuff out of my boys draw! What would you do?

What do you typically spend when you have your step kids?

Would you rake them on holidays abroad etc even if you knew they would ruin it for everyone, plus have to buy them both passports. Do you do a mixture of holidays all of you and some just the ones living in the
House.

Do you expect your parents to buy them Christmas and birthday stuff even after last time the eldest SD said ‘but my present is a lot smaller than hers and I have one less present (my parents bought them the same value presents.)

Do you stop Christmas Day and not give the kids living with you a Christmas Day until the stepkids stay and have to together? Last year I did Christmas Day, and then we did a second Christmas Day a week alter and I kept some of the boys presents back from Christmas Day to open too and my partner said that was wrong.

Is there any other scenarios you mummies have? Xx

[Dancingmonkey87]

Diet you didn’t answer my question about your dc if there your dps which makes me think they are not so your dp accepts your dc and treats them better than his own? Something not right there.

[Dancingmonkey87]

Me and dh have three dc we holiday with all three one isn’t excluded because her holidays with his df

[Oswin]

Diet yeah the steps kids are left out. Funny how its always the mans kids and not the womens. Op isnt leaving her child while she fucks off on holiday.
Bet you wouldnt either. But these piece of shit men you have tied yourselfs to do.
Awful people honestly.

[Oswin]

Diet please dont give me the poor resident kid shit.
I was the child of two people who both had children already. Sometimes they would be resident with us sometimes woth the other parents.
If we had a family holiday it included everyone. No one left behind. Yeah some years i didnt get a holiday because five kids on a holiday is expensive.
Do you think i care? No.
Im just glad that my parents are good people. If i found out they had done any of this shit i would be disgusted.

[Beaverhausen]

I do not understand why stepmoms have an issue with sc finances. When they are with the father of the children but quite happy for step dad to pay for their children which is by far a bigger contribution especially as OP is not working.

So he is supporting your child in every shape or form even paying for his expensive snacks but when his kids come to visit you give them cheap snacks complain about pay in for partner to go and see them at school events etc. Won't take them on holiday with you, but it is ok for their father to pay for your hild to go abroad on holiday. To have a new bed, new clothes and all the small luxuries you buy his stepson.

And you complain that he wants photos up of his children yet no doubt the house wiĺ be plastered in photos of your d's.

But we can not just vilify you as he is just as guilty for allowing you to behave in with a horrid way towards his girls.

Please do tell us how much child support dies he pay a week. Which has been reduced because you probably pushed for it to be reduced.

If money is that tight go out and find work to help with the finances or get your sons father to pay for his sons living, snacks and holidays.

Stop depriving those girls due to your own selfish agenda.

[flamingofridays]

Please do tell us how much child support dies he pay a week. Which has been reduced because you probably pushed for it to be reduced?

or he's just paying what the CSA tell him to?

[ilovemykids2018]

I work.. always have done. As a single parent I worked full time hours of 42 hours a week, however I work 20 hours this time because of cost of childcare so I do work, and bloody hard! And I get £176 a month csa from my ex because of what he earns and he has no other kids living with him
Or in general. I have reduced every single bill to the bare minimum, got rid of my partners sky package much to his Dismay, I stopped getting my nails done and stopped going to a weekly class that I went too. My parents are paying for our boys swimming lessons otherwise I would have had to stop them as we couldn't afford it as I want to make sure the girls see their dad. I have got rid of my car, as when I was single I had w nice car on finance but traded that in for a older car. All for my step kids and so they can see their dad! I physically cannot Save anymore money.

We pay £164 a month in csa to my partners ex wife for the girls, which is the amount the CSA worked.

We quite often have asda value etc we don't see this issue, and my son will eat whatever it's just a shame we can't find a own brand of his fruit snacks. The girls however are use to mummy buying branded all the time.

[Highhorse1981]

Or in general. I have reduced every single bill to the bare minimum, got rid of my partners sky package much to his Dismay, I stopped getting my nails done and stopped going to a weekly class that I went too. My parents are paying for our boys swimming lessons otherwise I would have had to stop them as we couldn't afford it as I want to make sure the girls see their dad. I have got rid of my car, as when I was single I had w nice car on finance but traded that in for a older car. All for my step kids and so they can see their dad! I physically cannot Save anymore money.

Op. Do you think we are stupid?

The tone of your OP regarding your step children reveals how you view them and their role in your family.

And then you spout the above, trying to make us think in fact you do so much for then. But its bull shit. All we need to know is on your OP

[Flowerfae]

Why is there an issue with seeing photo's of your stepchildren?

With them living so far away, and you and their dad are not getting to see them much, yes I would give them their
own bedroom for when they come and stay with you both. They are your partner's children so they should always be (and made to
feel) welcome. Regarding your son, if you are not happy with them picking him up, say so.. from the sounds of it they are young so they might
not be safe to pick them up anyway.

I'd just put exactly the same things in their snack drawers, children tend to want the same things as other children are getting (once they have
tried what their little (step/half) brother is having, they'll probably get bored and want the biscuits back). I'd put my foot down about them being fussy
about un-branded stuff though, they would have to eat it or leave it.

If they are spoiling things for you on holiday's due to bad behaviour, you and your husband need to sort that behaviour out and make it clear that even if
they do get away with things at their mum's house, good behaviour is expected at dads house.
I wouldn't stop Christmas if the stepchildren were not there, there would be a seperate celebration once they where there (two celebrations, all the children
would love it) what you did was right, not sure what your partner thought was wrong with that.

Basically, just treat them the same as you would any child member of your family.

My mum and dad both remarried, so I have experienced been a step child on both sides. I hardly ever saw my dad, went for years and years without
contact. I lived with my mum and stepdad. Things were weird there down to my stepsister being permanently offended by both my mum and
mine's existence, resulting in my stepdad hardly speaking to me (other than one-worded answers) for the entire of the 11 years of me living there,
because it would upset my stepsiser (who was the same age as me) resulting in a temper tantrum.

I'm a 'stepmum' (don't see myself as that though, as it would be a bit odd because it is in a different situation to yours).. my 'stepson' is 5 years younger than me because my husband is quite a lot older than I am. I married his dad when he was 15.. there could have been huge, HUGE problems there, but there wasn't and we are actually really good friends. He is my family and my mum and stepdad also see him as my family, just as much as the children me and my husband have together (who absolutely adore their big brother).

It can be really complicated with stepchildren, largely down to relationships between both sets of parents. Its absolutely blimmin bonkers with my stepdad's family (seriously could write pages and pages regarding the crazy crap that has gone on there) but it really doesn't have to be.

[Dietcokebreak2]

Not that it's relevant but I only have children by my dh.

I'm just saying people always assume the sc are worse off but that's not always the case. Every situation is different and just because you don't manage the happy blended family module doesnt mean your bad people or your dh is a shit dad.

People are giving op a hard time but sounds like she could have easily had dh cut sc out of their lives but she has actually worked hard to help him maintain contact even though she clearly doesn't like the kids.

[SoupDragon]

it's just a shame we can't find a own brand of his fruit snacks.

Aldi.

[swingofthings]

however I work 20 hours this time because of cost of childcare
How is the cost of childcare the problem of your SD? So really, what it comes down to is that because you wanted another child, you reduced your working hours, therefore your OH has to spend a large chunk of what he earns to support you, your joint child AND your child from another relationship, a child who gets to go on holiday, yet his children don't because you of your childcare cost.

And you don't think see anything wrong with that. It's totally self-indulgent, putting your desires way above the needs of these children, but it's ok isn't it?

[CourtneyLovely]

OP do you really not see any problem with the way that your stepdaughters are treated by you and your OH?

I actually agree with a PP that these poor girls would almost be better off having a clean break from their father instead of being treated as second class citizens like they are now.

[WhiteCat1704]

How is the cost of childcare the problem of your SD? So really, what it comes down to is that because you wanted another child, you reduced your working hours

Thats life swing. Parents decide how many children they want to have not children or ex partners. OPs DP, those girls father, wanted another one..it's his decision. And if it means his older children will get less for few years due to childcare costs it's normal. The same happens in full families. Step children arent more important than other memers of a family. OP is getting hard time but it's not up to her to care for those girls. It's up to their father who can take them on holiday if he can afford it. Or their mother can.

[Dancingmonkey87]

£164 is an insult to do you how much that works out per day per child? On average you pay roughly £2.50 per child per day? You get more for you one child you have and your dp pays for two dc!

If your so hard up how are you affording holidays abroad op?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Honestly struggling to believe any of this. It’s so perfectly pitched to get people frothing about evilstepmothers who neglect the step kids hoping they’ll disappear.

Giving OP the benefit of the doubt, my heart breaks for all of the children involved in this shameful dysfunctional shit storm.

An eleven year old choosing to bed down in a sleeping bag on the landing while OPs child sleeps in a fucking castle?

Cos that really happens. Jesus Christ.

[Dancingmonkey87]

Dietcoke you basically have a two tier system in your family.Your joint child who experiences holidaying with both parents and your sc who will only holiday with their dm because their df wife won’t allow them experience to be considered equal enough to your child/ren of the privilege to be able to have a childhood with memories of going away with their father. Shame on you! He is a shit dad

[Oswin]

Yep shitty fathers. Jesus how can these women respect that. That they would leave there children out. Its really shitty.
Oh one day this behaviour will hit you right back in your face.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I struggle massively with being a step parent and am ALWAYS sympathetic to any step mum. But even I was disgusted by your attitude and your post. Poor boys

[takeittakeit]

Whitecat - sure in a normal family another child means the monies stretch further.

In separated families, one decides to have another child/ren and the monies for the others go down - someone has to pick up the shortfall - ergo the RP.

I basically see the reduction in maintenance by the NRP for their children as expecting the RP to subsidise the EXs new family. My DCs did not get cheaper when EX shacked up with new wman and her DP - but they took a reduction in the pitiful amount he gave us, then when their joint DC turned up it went down even further - at no point did the original DCs cost less - he just expected me to subsidise his new life.

The OP I have to believe is a troll, because if her comments are really true - I can only feel real sadness for these poor two girls.

[Greys18]

He sounds like a right catch lol and he was probably making such an effort for your son together cause he wanted to get make with you, mostly he did it with her too.
I’m always saying it’s hard for step mums with crazy ex’s but your are on another level!!! I hate my step kids ( netmums) you must have such a supportive partner ( who agrees with you on this) if you have to keep coming here to hate on them!!!
Ps: karma is coming.

[ilovemykids2018]

Dancingmonkey. This year when we went i used my Christmas and birthday money. We bought food packages so didn't cost us when we were there. Next year my family have paid for us. It's all inclusive so won't cost us as thing.

I don't get to make the csa figures. They take the figures from his pay slips.

Even if we didn't have the two stepkids I would still only work 20 hours week because of childcare costs that element would still be the same regardless.

My partner has been an amazing dad to the boys, I won't judge him purely on how he has been with the girls because there is lots of factors and it's down to him at the end of the day not me.

My eldest son does have a step mum who doesn't understand the need for his dad to have him more than one day a week (they live only 10 minutes away) and he has to sleep on a camp bed in their room
Because they live with her mum. But sometimes not having a room is the way it goes: my son doesn't go on holiday with him because they have no other kids and she doesn't feel it's a holiday with kids. But then he lives with me, his mum, so I will make sure he gets the experiences. If our son is ill, he doesn't come to help etc it's just life.

[Dancingmonkey87]

So if your parents are paying for your holiday next year that should be plenty of time to save up to include his girls no? Don’t you want better for them? Don’t you think well dw step mom isn’t as hands on but I’m going to make an effort to include dp girls as part of the family unit?

What about your dp wages does he get no say in how it’s spent or do you control of it? You talk about cutting your hours down but you choose to add to your family even though your dp had finicial commitments to his dds and they should have been factored into the family not suffer because of it.

[scotchpancakes123]

takeit it works the other way too. My dp's ex is always complaining she is skint but yet had more children with her partner. Dp pays over cms amount and pays for extras as well as his child being here half of the time, so when she asks for more money it really is to subsidise her choices because she has less money due to having more children. Maybe he should suggest she works full time rather than part time like people have suggested the op does?

[swingofthings]

Thats life swing. Parents decide how many children they want to have not children or ex partners
Another case that's life when it suits then? Yes, parents pick and good parents make sure that having another child is not going to have a negative detriment on their other kids to the extent that we are reading here.

This is what my ex did, had a child they could afford. He has paid a penny, and I really mean a penny except for nice Xmas presents to make it seem like he was such a wonderful father for 10 years. I even paid for them to go and see him.

My OH (who didn't have children) would have needed to have IVF to have a child. It would have cost a fortune. I also would have had to go back to work FT and pay huge amount of childcare. If we'd done that, my kids (for whom I got no maintenance at all) would have suffered a lot, so I said no and thankfully, OH agreed. I was not going to punish my kids because of my own selfish desire for another child.

It's amazing how it is considered acceptable to be totally selfish by some posters here being so only affects the other children. When it comes to the ex being selfish to protect her children, she is evil and unhinged!