What do you do?

[ilovemykids2018]

Do you have photos of your step kids up around the house? I did photo collages of me and me eldest when I was a single parent and have those up to remind me of everything we did and went through and came out of. As we went abroad on our own whennhe was 16months. I have other photos of me my partner and the boys that people have done us as Christmas presents etc. My partner now wants us to display a massive poster in our bedroom of the step kids. I struggle with them staying let alone having to see them every day.


What do you about their birthdays? We do parties or whatever for the boys as they live here, their mum does parties for them. If we did one we would have to travel 100 miles to them first, as we are never invited to the ones she does.

Am I wrong that I can’t always find the money for him to go to every school play or assembly as it is 200 mile round trip!

Would you give them their own bedroom.

Do you pay any extra than csa? I personallly won’t but he gets guilt tripped.

My partner wants to ask to have his eldest daughter for 2 weeks in the school holidays to get her swimming lessons as the mother doesn’t, and ‘because we pay for the 3 year old and 9 month old’ it’s a lot of money to fine the extra.

I don’t like them picking up their baby brother because he is a really heavy 9 month old plus they are always covered in nits. Which I constantly treat however they come back again covered.

I have done them their own snack draw like I have for my eldest, but they always claim it’s never good enough compared to his. He has the yoyo bear fruit things, and the fruit shapes etc because he is still that age to have them and they are expensive so we get them like the Maryland cookie mini packs (as we do for my sons draw.) and sometimes Asda own bits which apparentlt it’s not branded so they won’t eat. So inkeeep catching them stealing stuff out of my boys draw! What would you do?

What do you typically spend when you have your step kids?

Would you rake them on holidays abroad etc even if you knew they would ruin it for everyone, plus have to buy them both passports. Do you do a mixture of holidays all of you and some just the ones living in the
House.

Do you expect your parents to buy them Christmas and birthday stuff even after last time the eldest SD said ‘but my present is a lot smaller than hers and I have one less present (my parents bought them the same value presents.)

Do you stop Christmas Day and not give the kids living with you a Christmas Day until the stepkids stay and have to together? Last year I did Christmas Day, and then we did a second Christmas Day a week alter and I kept some of the boys presents back from Christmas Day to open too and my partner said that was wrong.

Is there any other scenarios you mummies have? Xx

[ilovemykids2018]

Dietcoke I use to drive up every Friday and collect and then every Sunday to drop
Off up until I was 8 months pregnant. I then did do it with baby in the car as it meant the family up there if my partners saw the baby. Because thevtrain would cost double th amount of fuel, and they would have to swap trains both ways too.

I only recently haven't been doing the journey, as he isn't allowed them to stay here since January because once we gone csa she was getting less money until she stopped us having them over night so now he gets the train up to visit every other weekend.

[Dietcokebreak2]

You assume I take my kids on expensive holidays when I could take all kids on a more modest holiday.

That is not the case.

As prev said there is no endless pot of money.

Children need love and attention, not holidays abroad as ops sc are demanding.

[GreenRut]

Op the only advice I can give you is to take notes on his treatment of his dds because in about 2 years time you and your ds will be living that dream yourselves.

[backinthatdress]

Do you have photos of your step kids up around the house?
Yes but not in my bedroom, I wouldn’t want a big poster of my own kids tbh so no I wouldn’t want one of my SC.

What do you about their birthdays
We take SD out for a meal and maybe something like bowling/cinema. We do not throw a party for her.

Am I wrong that I can’t always find the money for him to go to every school play or assembly as it is 200 mile round trip
School plays are normally once a year at xmas? I would go to that but my partner doesn’t attend the 10 min ceremony’s they do as he’s at work. He doesn’t attend our children’s either.

Would you give them their own bedroom
No, as we have EOW contact so our kids have their own room and SD has shares with our daughter.

Do you pay any extra than csa
Rarely, we pay the csa and we also pay for activities at ours and days out, shoes/clothes to be kept at ours too.

My partner wants to ask to have his eldest daughter for 2 weeks in the school holidays to get her swimming lessons as the mother doesn’t, and ‘because we pay for the 3 year old and 9 month old’ it’s a lot of money to fine the extra
I do think swimming is a good skill to learn so I can’t see a problem with this.

I don’t like them picking up their baby brother because he is a really heavy 9 month old plus they are always covered in nits. Which I constantly treat however they come back again covered.*
I don’t agree with the other poster that this is normal. My 2 have never had nits and both attend primary school.
If the baby is too heavy for them then ask them to put him down. The mum needs to be treating her children’s hair. That’s vile.

Snack draw - What would you do
Remove your sons pack lunch stuff and put it in a tuple ware container for when the SC are there but I would make sure there snack draw is filled with things they actually like.

What do you typically spend when you have your step kids
depends, visit grandparents, park, play football, movie nights, occasional cinema trip, bowling, soft plays. When our step daughter comes over we treat it like any other weekend. Sometimes we do not much other times were out most of the weekend.

Would you rake them on holidays abroad etc even if you knew they would ruin it for everyone, plus have to buy them both passports. Do you do a mixture of holidays all of you and some just the ones living in the House
She doesn’t come on holidays abroad with us as she says she misses her mum.

Do you expect your parents to buy them Christmas and birthday stuff even after last time the eldest SD said ‘but my present is a lot smaller than hers and I have one less present (my parents bought them the same value presents.)
My parents buy SD a token xmas and birthday present. They do not spend the same amount on SD as they do for our kids. Our kids normally get approx. £100 each at xmas (SD gets £15-£20) and birthdays they get £50 each (SD gets £10). I don’t think this is wrong at all to be honest.

Do you stop Christmas Day and not give the kids living with you a Christmas Day until the step kids stay and have to together?
Our kids open all there xmas presents on xmas day as its xmas day! I don’t think they should have to wait till there SD is allowed over to open the other half. SD normally comes over boxing day and opens her presents but we don’t re do xmas, we have our boxing day buffet and play board games. See family etc

[Dancingmonkey87]

Children need love and attention, not holidays abroad as ops sc are demanding

Children do need love and attend and to feel secure in their family unit and involved in family holidays not excluded simply because their parents aren’t together and df has a new partner who goes out with her dc instead.


OP I doubt the mother stopped the overnight visits due to csa but most like the inadequate sleeping arrangements which I would do the same. Also you fail to say who moved away from the dc?

[Dietcokebreak2]

So you don't have them at your house now anyway?

So what's the issue.

Dh can't really be expected to attend plays then can he. He can't rely on you for a lift when you've got two little ones and the train would cost a fortune I imagine.

[SingleDingle]

Your DH has family where his kids are? So he moved away from them?

[rainbowsandfeathers]

When you got together you where both part of a package you and your son and him and his daughters he's excepted you package but you haven't excepted his.

My dss comes weekends and school holidays when he is with us he is treated exactly the same as my daughter he has his own room, things clothes etc here.

When we go on holiday he comes with us just as I wouldn't leave my daughter behind he wouldn't leave his son.

Christmas we have our normal Christmas Day and then he has his presents when he arrives Boxing Day.

Birthdays he does his presents and party at his mums and then presents and often a meal or take out with us.

I have photos of both kids in the house but wouldn't put a huge poster of any of us up in the house.

School things dh often doesn't attend this is more from the hrs he works then not wanting to attend.

Food he helps himself to what ever he wants if theirs something that's pack ups etc then I don't leave it in the cupboard but that goes for both kids.

We pay the minimum what CSA says but we pay for a school trip abroad - school uniform and shoes and football training plus give him money if he needs it to go out with friends.

At the end of the day we are family and we make it work so both kids are happy

[swingofthings]

Diet abroad or not is irrelevant. If kids don't need holidays and money is tight why are you taking yours?

I don't agree with the not endless money pot. If I couldn't afford to take all my kids on holiday I would find a way to get more be it taking a second job for some time.

I really can't believe how spineless some father's are thst they can go on holiday with selected children veing no guilt or knowing that it's wrong but not having the guts to confront their new partner.

[Dancingmonkey87]

Often or not swing the fathers that go away with their dp children’s but not their it sends a message pretty clear that they are on the low end of priority’s.

[Dietcokebreak2]

If money was no object then of course all kids would go on holiday together.

Take a second job. What world do you live in. I wouldn't take a second job to take my own kids away let alone someone else's.

Life's not fair sometimes. Blended families don't always work. Holidays with multiple kids is not alway possible, affordable or sensible. The same as people can't always offer a bedroom to a sc to be used a couple times a month. I'm sure it sucks being a stepchild sometimes but people have to be realistic. We've all got bills to pay and all want the best for our kids. Sometimes that means sc being left out. Just don't rub it in their faces.

[ilovemykids2018]

He moved away for work, better money and hours. And after their marriage break down and how suicidal he was it was for the best. He now doesn't work there with the same
Hourly wage etc.

His family some of them are moving down here but th rest are staying.

The ex wife gets extra £8 a week if we don't have them, plus she can't cope with them kicking of when they get home as they want to stay with daddy. January we hadn't even moved house and they had their own room in my old house (that house was all in my name) so it isn't that. She's doing it to be spiteful it was since we split up.

Issue is we are fighting the girls to come
And start staying again that's why I am asking the questions dietcoke

[ilovemykids2018]

We never tell them step kids when we go away, where we go, and certainly
Don't have pictures of that around for them to aw so unless the ex tells them
They wouldn't. Xx

[SingleDingle]

Whose stepchild should be left out? Seems it’s always automatically the ones who don’t live there. Her first child is also his SC. If children have to be left out at all, maybe people shouldn’t be so quick to reproduce and have joint DC, when it’s always the NRP kids coming off worst

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" He moved away for work, better money and hours."

so he thought a few quid and a dead end job was more important than his children? Nice.

[SingleDingle]

*It was for the best
*
Keep telling yourself that. While you’re complaining when he wants to make the trip back up there.

Tell his kids that when they ask how he moved away for a better job and more money, but still couldn’t afford to take them on holiday, but could take your kids.

[Dancingmonkey87]

Dietcoke are you dc both yours and your DHs ? There is no excuse you can always save up longer and go the following year but you seem quite happy to exclude them. They will know you do this and it may affect their relationship with their father especially when they grow up and have family’s of their own.

Back to op so he moved away so therefore he is finically responsible to get the dcs and take them back aswell, why should the mother have to pay towards travel? As for the extra 8 pounds I imagine it had been reduced because of your baby and your older child ( which non biological kids shouldn’t be counted in csa awards!) so really your splitting hairs for that comment alone. Of course we now have the Physio ex who is a horrible woman who pushed your dp to suicide even though he has a gambling addiction, which might have played a factor in their marriage break down??

They are likely unhappy with the set up and are telling their dm they don’t want to go. Don’t kid yourself op they will know you go away without them, what happened when they are suppose to visit one weekend and your away?

[Dancingmonkey87]

As someone else pointed out why does your dp step child get to go but your step daughters don’t? He might get two holidays but his dds can’t? Surely having your own dc with an ex you would have some understanding and warmth when in comes to blending a family with children from a previous relationship?

[flamingofridays]

I'm in a horribly difficult step situation " well sorry, but you chose it, didn't you? If people don't want 'horribly difficult step situations' then they should get themselves a brand new husband, not a used second hand one

oh god this load of old shit again,

if we knew how it was gonna go most of us would never ever dated men with kids.

[LunaTrap]

Maybe if OP waited more than 5 months of dating before actively trying for a baby (3 of which he wasn't even seeing his kids) she would have had the chance to learn that stepparenting wasn't for her.

[WhiteCat1704]

I will answer one of your questions

Would you rake them on holidays abroad etc even if you knew they would ruin it for everyone, plus have to buy them both passports. Do you do a mixture of holidays all of you and some just the ones living in the House

We holiday as a couple, with our DS only and as a 4 with DS and SD. SD has been invited to come with us to see my family and initially wanted to go but then changed her mind 3 times and messed my family around with arrangements for her...so I stopped inviting her. Saves me stress.

When we go as a 4 it's in UK but we have good time..If we were going with DS I would offer to take her abroad too..

We are quite set on short holidays as a couple though and leave both of them behind with family.

Oh on photos- I have photos of all of us in the house. Probably more of DS than SD but thats cause he is much younger. I don't have any photos in our bedroom.

[scotchpancakes123]

-We do have photos of the dsc in our house. I have a beautiful Mother's Day frame of my kids which I love. I'm going to do the same for dp and obviously have dsc in that one.

-Regarding parties/sleepovers/play dates etc, dsc's mum had always sorted that out.

-dsc doesn't have her own room. We don't have the space so she shares. No other way of doing it unless I shove my kids in the shed everytime she's here. Obviously that's not an option...

-dp pays more than cms amount, has dsc half of the week and also pays towards extras. She still pulls her face though but that's her problem.

-Your stepkids should respect having to be careful with the baby. I would say the same about my own kids never mind stepkids. The baby isn't a doll.

-What's wrong with asda's own make? They still taste the same.

-We spend whatever we can afford at the time. If we can't afford to do much then it's tough. If we can afford to something a bit more exciting then great. Same goes with food. Some weeks we are absolutely skint and sorry but dsc has to live like the rest of us. If that's beans on toast for tea then it's beans on toast for tea. Dp doesn't throw money at his child to make her want to be here. She gets treated as an equal member of the family and that means the hard stuff as well. Only fair.

-Holidays, dsc comes to all of them with us. She has younger siblings so we have to make sure everyone is happy. She has to be reminded that she isn't the only child on holiday with us and can get a bit sulky about that at times and it does annoy me. But we wouldn't not bring her.

-I have two sides to my family. My dad's side and my mum's side. My dad's side adore dsc and treat her equally at Christmas/ on birthdays. When she was younger she used to make comments which used to make me and dp cringe such as "I don't have a big one like that" and he used to tell her off for it.Now she's older she is more mature and isn't bothered. My mum's side have never really acknowledged her and have always called her irritating so apart from the odd
Colouring book has never received anything from them at Xmas. Definitely nothing at birthdays anyway.

-We have never ever postponed Christmas until dsc arrives. If dp ever said we should then I'd tell him to go and run.

[lunar1]

You and your dp sound like truly awful people and the world is a worse place for having you both in it.

It saddens me that there are children having to grow up in such a chaotic and dysfunctional way.

Hopefully they will thrive in spite of the pair of you. So many step parents move heaven and earth to make things fair for all the children in the family-you should be ashamed of the way you behave and think towards your step children.

[Dietcokebreak2]

when it’s always the NRP kids coming off worst

People always assume this. How are resident kids going to feel knowing they have missed out on a holiday one year because their parents couldn't afford to take sc as well. Especially if sc still got a holiday with their mum.

I've also seen plenty of posts where sc have flaunted expensive gifts in front of resident kids and step mums struggle to explain why they can't afford iPhone or designer gear. No one ever thinks of how hard it is for the resident kids to have sc that they may not get on with sharing their home and sometimes their rooms. It's not always poor little sc, I've heard some real horror stories on here from step mums about their sc.

[swingofthings]

Take a second job. What world do you live in. I wouldn't take a second job to take my own kids away let alone someone else's
I wasn't talking about you but your OH but it's pointless because if you don't see that what you are doing is wrong and actually probably enjoy the fact that you don't have your SCs with you on holiday, it won't be a matter of finances really. The issue is that your OH doesn't seem to care, which says it all really.

Life's not fair sometimes.
Indeed, but who cares when life is unfair to other kids than yours. As said, I wouldn't be at all surprise if you came in a few years time moaning that your kids don't want to come to see you, your kids, or their father because they feel they are getting all the love they need at home and coming to see their dad's family will become just a chore.
Your OH is a pathetic father if he thinks it's ok to go on holiday with some of his children but not the others.