What do you do?

[ilovemykids2018]

Do you have photos of your step kids up around the house? I did photo collages of me and me eldest when I was a single parent and have those up to remind me of everything we did and went through and came out of. As we went abroad on our own whennhe was 16months. I have other photos of me my partner and the boys that people have done us as Christmas presents etc. My partner now wants us to display a massive poster in our bedroom of the step kids. I struggle with them staying let alone having to see them every day.


What do you about their birthdays? We do parties or whatever for the boys as they live here, their mum does parties for them. If we did one we would have to travel 100 miles to them first, as we are never invited to the ones she does.

Am I wrong that I can’t always find the money for him to go to every school play or assembly as it is 200 mile round trip!

Would you give them their own bedroom.

Do you pay any extra than csa? I personallly won’t but he gets guilt tripped.

My partner wants to ask to have his eldest daughter for 2 weeks in the school holidays to get her swimming lessons as the mother doesn’t, and ‘because we pay for the 3 year old and 9 month old’ it’s a lot of money to fine the extra.

I don’t like them picking up their baby brother because he is a really heavy 9 month old plus they are always covered in nits. Which I constantly treat however they come back again covered.

I have done them their own snack draw like I have for my eldest, but they always claim it’s never good enough compared to his. He has the yoyo bear fruit things, and the fruit shapes etc because he is still that age to have them and they are expensive so we get them like the Maryland cookie mini packs (as we do for my sons draw.) and sometimes Asda own bits which apparentlt it’s not branded so they won’t eat. So inkeeep catching them stealing stuff out of my boys draw! What would you do?

What do you typically spend when you have your step kids?

Would you rake them on holidays abroad etc even if you knew they would ruin it for everyone, plus have to buy them both passports. Do you do a mixture of holidays all of you and some just the ones living in the
House.

Do you expect your parents to buy them Christmas and birthday stuff even after last time the eldest SD said ‘but my present is a lot smaller than hers and I have one less present (my parents bought them the same value presents.)

Do you stop Christmas Day and not give the kids living with you a Christmas Day until the stepkids stay and have to together? Last year I did Christmas Day, and then we did a second Christmas Day a week alter and I kept some of the boys presents back from Christmas Day to open too and my partner said that was wrong.

Is there any other scenarios you mummies have? Xx

[NeverTell9871]

Wow. I have two SD and their pictures are all over the house, as are my DDs (although no posters, I would draw the line at that one). They are all sisters and they are my children who I love although I obviously did not give birth to them. I have had my SDs for 3 years. We lived in a small house which was fine for us, not the kids. Guess what, we moved.

I don't think your partner deserves his children (your step children) if he barely speaks to them during the week and couldn't be bothered to see them for months.

No, you don't put Christmas on hold. You have Christmas and then you have another Christmas (or as much of one as you can) when you do see them. We live 50 miles away from my SDs yet my DH manages to do that round trip every weekend (totals 200 hours there and back twice). I admit, this is difficult but WE want to see them so it's tough luck. It isn't the kids fault that we live far away.

I'm hoping this is a fake post OP but if it isn't it's quite clear that you do not want those children in your life and the are obviously getting in your way. Your kids are so lucky

[ilovemykids2018]

He has another £200 to pay back to work, the holiday my family have paid for so it didn't cost us otherwise we wouldn't be having one, as I would
Prioritise him seeing the kids. We have no spare money each week for me to even keep it back for me and the children if we did I would try and make it fair. Thank you for your response I am really hoping to sort it all out and it to all get easier and we all enjoy each other's company xx

[Samesituation]

I read your OP and at first I was horrified, and that's talking as a step mum, who has had difficult times with my SC, but then I re read it and your updates and I can empathise with some of your points. The difference between you and me is that I actually wanted my SC around where it is seems quite obvious you don't.

I'm not sure if you even like your step daughter's, it's very obvious you don't love them, but that is ok. I don't love my SC as I do my own DC. I care for them, I would never want to see them in any harm, I do all the household chores etc when they're with us, I look after them when my DH is at work, and I want them in our lives. Why don't you like them? Would you rather your DH cut ties with them?

In response to some of your questions:
My SC share a bedroom at our house
I'm not sure what you can do about this if you say the children can't share bedrooms as they're not big enough. If your bedroom is bigger could you and DH not move into one of the smaller ones and then possibly with a bit of rearranging the kids can share.

We have photos of all children up in the house - mainly down to me, if it was up to DH to sort there wouldn't be any of anybody. But I don't have any photos in our bedroom . I agree with you about that.

My SC have never done parties- even with their mum. It's usually just a gift /money now they're older and we normally go out for tea.

The snacks - do what most PP have said keep the ones your son has for nursery separate. But i would just buy the fruit anyway. Have one drawer with things all the children like. When they're gone they're gone til next time.

We pay more than CSA, it's a private arrangement but still more. We contribute to extras such as uniforms, school.trips etc.

We live in same town so DH can attend assemblies parents evening etc. I appreciate your situation is different. It is a unreasonable to travel 100 miles for a 10 minute assembly. But perhaps for Christmas plays or big events you could make it a short break - stay overnight or something. You said DH has family in the kids hometown could you stay with them? There's probably a cheap Travelodge/ premier inn nearby?

As for Christmas we don't wait for SC to arrive for our DC to open their presebts - it's Christmas morning!!!! SC usually visit at some point- then will come to us at some point during the holidays depending on when DH is working.

As for holidays - for me there are 2 issues here, firstly if money is tight and there is no money available for your DH to visit his children- can you even afford a holiday? Yes I understand why should you miss out on a holiday- but you need to live within your means. Perhaps you should consider a week in UK, or couple of extended weekend breaks and then leave your DH money also to visit his children.

We have not been able to afford to go abroad for various reasons - we have just booked our first holiday for all 6 of us abroad next year in one of the half terms. We couldn't afford to go in the main summer holidays as a 6 ever !! However this does mean that SC will miss 3 days of school- they have different weeks for half term. And it looks as though this will always be the way as they're different this year too.

I would consider going away abroad without SC, and I know this is frowned upon. But I would then do something in the UK - or weekend breaks, days out etc for all 6 of us. This is always a contentious topic and I don't believe one way fits all. My SC go away every year with their mum, sometimes more than once. They have days out and treats etc - so why should my DC miss out? This is a different thread all together because she actually believes we should NEVER take our DC out with out SC.

I picked up on your comment that you would have more money if your DH did not have a gambling problem and was paying money back to his employer. Has his gambling stopped, is he seeking help? How long does he have to pay the money back for?

I get that you control finances because of your DH problem, I don't see this as you being totally in control of everything. I guess you are making sure bills are paid etc - but it doesn't mean you get go keep all the rest and just spend it on you or your DC, without a thought for your SC.

To me it sounds as though you have a lot if frustration and resentment with your DH because of this, and quite rightly it is his fault, the mistake your making is taking it out on HIS children, they seem to be suffering whilst you expect to maintain your lifestyle in a reduced income. His gambling isn't their fault- you must reassess how you deal with this. The person to lose out is your DH but not at the expense of not seeing his kids.

I think your biggest problem is your DH. He doesn't seem to do a lot for his kids - or you in fact and in turn this makes you resent his kids. They will feel this and pick up on it. So please try and change your behaviour with them for now. He doesnt seem to do a lot round the house, in fact he sounds quite lazy. Not bothered whether he sees his kids etc.

You have to decide if the relationship/ family/ blended family is what you want. Ask yourself is it all worth it? Would you be happier on your own?

Step parenting and building a blended family can be hard work and sometimes you feel you don't see any rewards / benefits but you have to want to do it and you don't sound like you want to. You haven't come across as a nice person in your OP - but I think a lot of it is down to frustration with your DH which you're blaming his kids for.

[swingofthings]

One I can't see him leaving tbh, his life is far too cushty and gets far more now that he I do fianaces and not like whennhe was living with the ex
He is probably relieved at the moment that he has passed that responsibility on to you and it's not him who has to worry about being in the red/paying debts. You can be assured that when these are paid and the weight of the stress is gone, he will wake up one day and wonder why he is earning most of the family income yet has no say how it is spent. He might start to fantasize about a life when he isn't controlled by women and decide that his kids are much more fun to be around, especially when they'll decide they don't want to come any longer and refuse to have anything to do with you, because I'll be amazed if that's not in the cards. Why would they want any kind of relationship with you when they reach the age that they can decide?

[TacoLover]

How can you not see how terrible a father he is to his daughters? And why do you do all the work for him?

[Mini2017]

We shall see! 😊

[ilovemykids2018]

One I can't see him leaving tbh, his life is far too cushty and gets far more now that he I do fianaces and not like whennhe was living with the ex wife as she got them into debt after debt bailiff after bailiff. And i kicked him out for a while and he never once went a day without seeing the boys. He had a job and a Home back in his hometown if he wanted and he would rather have sofa surfed down here and work and see those boys everyday x

[Mini2017]

When your man DP leaves, and he will, your child will be on the receiving end of the same treatment you have subjected the poor girls.
Hope The future step mummy will just as delightful as you are, you know, since your DP sure knows how to pick him! 👏👏👏🙄

[Mini2017]

Dietcokebreak2 Well I guess cutting the kids off would have been better for them. Decent parents shouldnt need to be encouraged to what to spend time with their kids.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

That’s a long post and a lot of questions!

I’m an SM but I would:
Have pictures up of step kids, calendars with their events on etc. Not a poster in the bedroom!
Support DP to pay more than CSA it’s really low. But he pays huge amounts anyway.
Try and make important events within reason. I’ve done kids parties for steps if they wanted it.
All these and more I’d still do. Even though tbh it’s been a disaster with my step kids but I’d still support DP for these things.

[Bubbles121]

OP:
I wouldn't consider going on a family holiday without DSC. I would go on an adults only holiday provided we also had a proper family holiday booked. I would do this regardless of whether I was leaving DC or DSC.
Yes to photos all over the house, but we don't have any family photos in our bedroom.
DP pays way over the recommended amount and share 50/50 care and all associated costs on top. We spend quite a lot as we would with any child living with us, meals out, uniform, after school activities as well as fun weekend treats.
We celebrate xmas with DSC whatever day we have them closest to xmas. We have a fake xmas eve and xmas day with the whole meal etc.
We live in the same town as DSC and attend all the school activities. We chose to do this despite working in different towns to ensure that their life was disrupted as little as possible by moving between parents, and so that they can continue to have both their parents play an active role in their life.
You give SM a bad rep on here OP. Mumsnet isn't always the kindest place to SM to begin with, and posts like your highlight all the fears that mothers who send their children to exh have. Those poor girls are unwanted and you aren't even trying to hide it.
Your DP doesn't sound great at all, he's chosen to live 200 miles away from his kids and let's you control how much he can and can't see them. He lets them feel unwanted and unwelcome in his home and they have to watch while a child that isn't his is clearly preferred with his special treat draw and own room and all the other things you're giving him to make it clear that he belongs there and they don't. I'd be ashamed if you were my friend or family and I wouldn't hesitate to tell you that.

[2gorgeousboys]

This makes my heart break. I’ve been a stepmum for 19 years (and have 2 DS) and whilst I don’t think I’ve always got it right (it’s not easy and theirs no rule book to follow) I’ve always tried my best for ALL the children, treated them equally and loved them. If asked how many children I have I always say two and a half!

To answer some of your questions;

We have a theee bedroom house and whilst we didn’t plan to stay in this house circumstances have meant we had to. We’ve had different combinations of sleeping arrangements, DSS had his own room for a long time (including when this meant our DC had to share) then our DC had their own rooms and DSS would sleep in DS1s room when he came to stay. DSS is now grown up and is coming to stay next week for 2 weeks. I’m not sure where he’s going to sleep but it won’t be on the floor. He’ll prbably have DS2s room and bed and DS2 will sleep on a camp bed in our room.

Holidays - we’ve done a combination of holidays without DSS and holidays as a whole family. Some abroad and some in this country. DSS has however been invited on every holiday and every weekend away we’ve had. Years ago, we had a holiday paid for by my parents which was very generous and I asked if we could pay the additional to include DSS, as it was my lovely parents said that they were including DSS in the holiday.

We’ve only been abroad 4 times in 18 years because paying for 5 people in school holidays is expensive. DSS however went abroad every year with his DM. We didn’t begrudge him and always continued to include him.

Photos - we have photos of our whole family on display. DH probably wouldn’t think to print off and frame photos of any of us so it’s not that he’s not bothered about having his DS’s photos out but he doesn’t think. We have photos of DH and DSS as a baby, photos of us as a family and photos of the three brothers together.

Money - we paid DSS’s mum directly a court ordered amount and always paid just that amount. We did however give DSS pocket money and fund clothes etc for our house.

Apologies for the lengthy post, I’m so, so sad for your step daughters. They’ve seen their dad move on and start a new family without them in a very quick space of time. They will feel replaced and unwanted and it’s no wonder they are acting up. When they come to stay, do you give them time just them and their dad or are you and your children always there? They are only little. My relationship with my DSS is different to that I have with my DS but it’s special and I wouldn’t be without him in my life (his mother’s another matter though!)

[WhiteCat1704]

If we'd done that, my kids (for whom I got no maintenance at all) would have suffered a lot, so I said no and thankfully, OH agreed.

Hmm
I remember reading that you were upset by yours OH decision not to try for a child together but you are happy with it now as teenagers are emotionally draining and you can't imagine having a 5year old to deal with too..

[swingofthings]

Oh one day this behaviour will hit you right back in your face.
So that's how it works. You eldest is treated appallingly by his dad, so you found a replacement dad for him and you have no guilt that it is at the cost of his children.

I always find it amusing that whenever the issue of cost of a holiday abroad comes up in hard done by families who can't afford anything extra for the SCs, it's always 'family' on the SM's sides who is more than happy to pay! I don't believe it for a second.

Oh one day this behaviour will hit you right back in your face
Oh yes it will because these dads are only perfect dad and partners at the moment because their coward attitude suits these women's agenda. When it suddenly doesn't, it's amazing how like the ex, they too become psychological manipulators and emotional abusers!

[swingofthings]

Thats life swing. Parents decide how many children they want to have not children or ex partners
Another case that's life when it suits then? Yes, parents pick and good parents make sure that having another child is not going to have a negative detriment on their other kids to the extent that we are reading here.

This is what my ex did, had a child they could afford. He has paid a penny, and I really mean a penny except for nice Xmas presents to make it seem like he was such a wonderful father for 10 years. I even paid for them to go and see him.

My OH (who didn't have children) would have needed to have IVF to have a child. It would have cost a fortune. I also would have had to go back to work FT and pay huge amount of childcare. If we'd done that, my kids (for whom I got no maintenance at all) would have suffered a lot, so I said no and thankfully, OH agreed. I was not going to punish my kids because of my own selfish desire for another child.

It's amazing how it is considered acceptable to be totally selfish by some posters here being so only affects the other children. When it comes to the ex being selfish to protect her children, she is evil and unhinged!

[scotchpancakes123]

takeit it works the other way too. My dp's ex is always complaining she is skint but yet had more children with her partner. Dp pays over cms amount and pays for extras as well as his child being here half of the time, so when she asks for more money it really is to subsidise her choices because she has less money due to having more children. Maybe he should suggest she works full time rather than part time like people have suggested the op does?

[Dancingmonkey87]

So if your parents are paying for your holiday next year that should be plenty of time to save up to include his girls no? Don’t you want better for them? Don’t you think well dw step mom isn’t as hands on but I’m going to make an effort to include dp girls as part of the family unit?

What about your dp wages does he get no say in how it’s spent or do you control of it? You talk about cutting your hours down but you choose to add to your family even though your dp had finicial commitments to his dds and they should have been factored into the family not suffer because of it.

[ilovemykids2018]

Dancingmonkey. This year when we went i used my Christmas and birthday money. We bought food packages so didn't cost us when we were there. Next year my family have paid for us. It's all inclusive so won't cost us as thing.

I don't get to make the csa figures. They take the figures from his pay slips.

Even if we didn't have the two stepkids I would still only work 20 hours week because of childcare costs that element would still be the same regardless.

My partner has been an amazing dad to the boys, I won't judge him purely on how he has been with the girls because there is lots of factors and it's down to him at the end of the day not me.

My eldest son does have a step mum who doesn't understand the need for his dad to have him more than one day a week (they live only 10 minutes away) and he has to sleep on a camp bed in their room
Because they live with her mum. But sometimes not having a room is the way it goes: my son doesn't go on holiday with him because they have no other kids and she doesn't feel it's a holiday with kids. But then he lives with me, his mum, so I will make sure he gets the experiences. If our son is ill, he doesn't come to help etc it's just life.

[Greys18]

He sounds like a right catch lol and he was probably making such an effort for your son together cause he wanted to get make with you, mostly he did it with her too.
I’m always saying it’s hard for step mums with crazy ex’s but your are on another level!!! I hate my step kids ( netmums) you must have such a supportive partner ( who agrees with you on this) if you have to keep coming here to hate on them!!!
Ps: karma is coming.

[takeittakeit]

Whitecat - sure in a normal family another child means the monies stretch further.

In separated families, one decides to have another child/ren and the monies for the others go down - someone has to pick up the shortfall - ergo the RP.

I basically see the reduction in maintenance by the NRP for their children as expecting the RP to subsidise the EXs new family. My DCs did not get cheaper when EX shacked up with new wman and her DP - but they took a reduction in the pitiful amount he gave us, then when their joint DC turned up it went down even further - at no point did the original DCs cost less - he just expected me to subsidise his new life.

The OP I have to believe is a troll, because if her comments are really true - I can only feel real sadness for these poor two girls.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I struggle massively with being a step parent and am ALWAYS sympathetic to any step mum. But even I was disgusted by your attitude and your post. Poor boys

[Oswin]

Yep shitty fathers. Jesus how can these women respect that. That they would leave there children out. Its really shitty.
Oh one day this behaviour will hit you right back in your face.

[Dancingmonkey87]

Dietcoke you basically have a two tier system in your family.Your joint child who experiences holidaying with both parents and your sc who will only holiday with their dm because their df wife won’t allow them experience to be considered equal enough to your child/ren of the privilege to be able to have a childhood with memories of going away with their father. Shame on you! He is a shit dad

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Honestly struggling to believe any of this. It’s so perfectly pitched to get people frothing about evilstepmothers who neglect the step kids hoping they’ll disappear.

Giving OP the benefit of the doubt, my heart breaks for all of the children involved in this shameful dysfunctional shit storm.

An eleven year old choosing to bed down in a sleeping bag on the landing while OPs child sleeps in a fucking castle?

Cos that really happens. Jesus Christ.

[Dancingmonkey87]

£164 is an insult to do you how much that works out per day per child? On average you pay roughly £2.50 per child per day? You get more for you one child you have and your dp pays for two dc!

If your so hard up how are you affording holidays abroad op?