Bastard bingo - full house!!

(363 Posts)
helplesshopeless Mon 16-Aug-21 06:59:04

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running grin

OP’s posts: |
UnashamedLabelHo Mon 16-Aug-21 07:30:08

With relation to your contact times, you can argue this in court. Just keep calm and blank with his goading. You have good rational reasons and you can point out the truths of whether he has family dinners or not when the time comes.

And every time you waver in whether you are doing the right thing, picture him ripping up the sentimental and irreplaceable item relating to your grandfather. You’re doing the right thing, making the right choice to dissolve your marriage to someone like this.

I can’t remember if you’ve read the Pollyanna threads. She’s ahead of you in the timeframe, but she’s out, she’s happy, he’s still trying to exert control and manipulate her but she’s fighting back and able to give him so much less headspace. It will happen for you, it’s just a shitty route to freedom, but you’re doing so well.

KatySun Mon 16-Aug-21 08:04:41

Hello, good to hear from you, although I am sorry things are difficult. Probably not unexpected. It is good that people know in real life and you have support.

Regarding your daughter, while I have said before, be prepared to go to court (otherwise it is a threat he can hold over you), I also think there are a couple of things to consider before going down that road:

- what she will actually manage and be able to cope with. We spent two years plus (!?!) trying to negotiate a separation agreement (in Scotland) based on what ex wanted on one side and what DS could manage on the other. For a number of reasons, it became really clear to me that DS could not cope with what ex was proposing and ex was just not listening and there were some other issues at play. The problem you have is that you have only just separated and you (plural) have not even tried to establish a contact arrangement from two different houses. You actually have no idea what your Dd will be able to manage. It is good in a way that you have some time to establish a routine before she starts school, but here too, this might need flexibility.

So I would say while he is asking for 50:50, another important question is whether he is expecting this to start right away or whether there is some openness to a flexible approach to see what she can manage and how she copes with any contact routine. I actually think as a starting point this is more important than whether he has six days or seven out of 14. So my question is really whether you can take the heat out of the situation by looking at an arrangement based initially on what DD is used to and then which increases as she gets older and you both see how she copes. This is presuming that you have done the majority of the care to date. Is that in any way a possibility? (It might not be, we had to go to court before my ex started to actually listen to what I was saying).

The important thing is that DD’s relationship with each of you is distinct from your relationship with each other. So you (plural) need to think about what is going to be best for her to facilitate that as she grows up. And it is, I think, having time with both of you which meets her needs and she can manage. I would honestly consider sitting down with a good mediator and trying to work out what that looks like.

FoxgloveSummers Mon 16-Aug-21 08:16:12

Hello, glad you’ve started a new thread.

KatySun Mon 16-Aug-21 08:16:16

The other thing is if he is ignoring the six day agreement, then that is out the window. Go back to what you actually thought would work for DD, rather than what you agreed because you thought he would be reasonable.

Cavagirl Mon 16-Aug-21 08:19:18

Old thread here

Mix56 Mon 16-Aug-21 09:00:49

Is he proposing having her from Friday pm to Monday am?
Suggesting returning dd to you on Monday morning? (He swans off to work, you run around like an idiot)
Then you have the school prep/drop to do (in time)
You wont have seen her since the end of the school week, & be in phase with what she is doing, or needs doing.
Logistically this seems an unworkable nightmare---- IMO.
Unless he is going to be organized & fully communicates with you. (He wont)
Id say at this point, if you dont accept 6 nights, then its 5.
He will go ballistic & threaten court. You say
We need a mediator, if not,
"See you there."
You cant negotiate or have a rational discussion with him, so someone else is going to have to do it.


peridito Mon 16-Aug-21 12:30:39

In reality it means she'd only come back to me Monday morning, have hardly any time to reconnect with me and then she'd be back with him on Tuesday no that's not workable ,especially for your daughter .

MyOtherProfile Mon 16-Aug-21 23:28:53

Just been reading your threads. How is your little girl doing? Is she aware anything is going on at all? Must be awful trying to shield her while juggling all this.

FoxgloveSummers Mon 23-Aug-21 14:45:30

@helplesshopeless hello, sorry I always post on Mondays like a weirdo as it's my day off. Just wanted to check in on you, see how Operation OP The Merciless (In Custody Battles) was shaping up. Hope all is ok with you and DC.

QuentinBunbury Tue 24-Aug-21 21:25:15

This had fallen off my threads, sorry I missed your update
Maybe you'd be better focusing on a split of time (50/50, 60/40, whatever) then working a schedule round that
I found this website quite useful for arranging schedules

Hang in there flowers

helplesshopeless Thu 26-Aug-21 06:40:48

Morning everyone thanks thanks as ever for your helpful comments.

I received his financial response from his solicitor and it is actually fine, he is ringfencing some money that his parents gifted to both of us last year but I don't really mind about that. I also think the value that he has placed on our house is a slightly modest one and in the current market it would sell for higher, but I've also got in mind that if he has to re mortgage for much higher than his current proposal he probably wouldn't be able to afford it and would need to sell instead. I'd rather this home stays available to our daughter and would also rather avoid the mess of having to sell and buy two new places.

I've got my response ready to go re child arrangements. To be honest it doesn't feel like my solicitor is really going to battle on it, she's just quite mildly asserting that his proposal isn't in her best interests and that is that. I just have to hope that he backs down as he was originally happy with his 6/14 proposal so it doesn't add up that he'd want to go through the hassle of going to court to get an extra day.

In terms of how our daughter is, she seems fine actually. The odd tantrum but I guess that's her age! She's made a couple of comments around asking why daddy isn't joining us on various activities, which was hard to hear sad

I'm viewing a rental property tomorrow, it's not ideal but will only be a temporary retreat. I'm just dreading the next step of telling our daughter what's happening, it feels like a huge huge moment in her little life, which is going to change it and make it more complicated and difficult forever sad I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over the guilt, especially every birthday and Christmas when she doesn't have her full family around her all together. I hate this for her, wish she had a sibling to keep with her so she wasn't having to deal with back and forth all by herself.

He has got a bit nastier again, just in terms of making rude comments to me, so I'm looking forward to getting away from him but that's countered by the point above about starting the stage where our daughter has to deal with lots of adjustment. I just feel hugely selfish and like I'm putting my happiness above hers. He made a comment the other day about how I have surrounded myself with a bubble of 'enablers' so I think everything is fine, but that in reality everyone outside of my bubble is absolutely disgusted with me. I totally see why they would be (especially given how he would have been telling everyone I've left him for OM) and while I don't really care what they think about me, it does consolidate the guilt of what is happening to our daughter.

On the plus side, he's been away with work for the last few days and it's been utter bliss! I've actually slept! Our daughter is missing him a bit, which was a surprise actually, but probably a good thing if she's got a bit of attachment to him (although hopefully not too much wink)

Anyway, he's due back soon so I need to quickly tidy up so I don't get in trouble grin wishing you all a peaceful Thursday, and thank you again for all of your support thanks

OP’s posts: |
Mix56 Thu 26-Aug-21 13:03:24

You need to change sol
You are still making excuses for him & accepting why his offer is not the best fir you & dd
Hoping, he will back down on child contact. realistically he has never conceded one point
Tel sol you will agree on his financial proposal if he agrees 6/14

He will be telling his circle you have had an affair. Its all your fault, He is not going to own up to being a abusive agressive bully.
Slowly the truth will get out
However honestly people dont really care.... they wont dwell on it, its already yesterday's news

Alcemeg Thu 26-Aug-21 19:35:45

Hello @helplesshopeless -- I have no idea how I missed this thread completely!

But it's great to see you making such steady progress and sounding so solid. Do you ever read back to your first thread? That timid person who didn't think she deserved better.

You're not being at all selfish, you are gradually building a better future for you and your daughter.

He made a comment the other day about how I have surrounded myself with a bubble of 'enablers' so I think everything is fine, but that in reality everyone outside of my bubble is absolutely disgusted with me.
I bet he's envious of your relative calm (him being such a tornado of commotion). Horrid of him to try and undermine it for you, but let's face it, pretty typical 🤨

Delighted to hear you've enjoyed some blissful nights of sleep. Imagine the peace when he is no longer living with you! flowers

helplesshopeless Fri 27-Aug-21 09:03:18

Thanks @Mix56 and @Alcemeg

Unfortunately things have gone downhill again. A little while ago when we had the incident of him taking my phone and locking me out of the house, my solicitor advised me to get a friend to be present when I dropped our daughter back off. I'm friendly with my neighbour so asked her to, and filled her in very briefly (mentioning I'd spoken to police) and asked her to not tell her partner or anyone else.

Anyway, for some reason she has now told her partner who texted my husband and said he's heard we were divorcing and the police are involved. My husband completely went off on one at me, has been extremely verbally abusive, and making sexual references and noises to me in front of our daughter. Obviously also taking great delight in telling me that he filled them in on what I'd done and how they were disgusted with me and thought I was a disgrace. He's said I'm spreading lies about him and that this is the end of any slight bit of cooperation there would have been, and I know this will have refuelled him to fight for 7/14. He's being truly dreadful.

I'm just so sad that it's come to this, that our daughter has parents with this kind of toxicity between them, and still even now am so sad that I've caused him the level of pain that I have that has brought him to behave like this. It's just all so sad.

OP’s posts: |
QuentinBunbury Fri 27-Aug-21 09:08:11

Oh gosh poor you sad
The problem is other people won't realise he's abusive so he can manipulate them into telling him stuff.
Maybe you can talk to the neighbour and explain what he's done? flowers

helplesshopeless Fri 27-Aug-21 09:18:35

I had already indicated to her what his behaviour was like and that's why I'd mentioned the police to her. I feel so let down that they've fed this back to him, it's made everything 100x more difficult sad

OP’s posts: |
Alcemeg Fri 27-Aug-21 09:21:02

Oh OP flowers

Obviously also taking great delight in telling me that he filled them in on what I'd done and how they were disgusted with me and thought I was a disgrace.
I know it's hard, but try taking this with a big pinch of salt.

How are they supposed to react when he tells them this sort of thing (if indeed he did!)? They're hardly going to say "Ah, but you probably mistreated her for years," even though they might be thinking it.

I'm pretty sure no one who has met you will be thinking you're a disgrace, whatever he has told them and whatever he likes to read into their reactions. Most normal people know there's two sides to every story, especially when one partner is broadcasting theirs so vociferously.

That's incredibly weird behaviour from your neighbours, by the way. What an odd text to send, especially if you live nextdoor. Maybe they enjoy drama. Such a shame your plea for help backfired so spectacularly.

Ugh, though, the stuff in front of your daughter 😳

One day this will all be firmly in the past!

QuentinBunbury Fri 27-Aug-21 09:27:33

still even now am so sad that I've caused him the level of pain that I have that has brought him to behave like this
Oh and stop this. He's an adult and is choosing to be unpleasant. That's why you are getting divorced.

helplesshopeless Fri 27-Aug-21 10:48:14

@QuentinBunbury I know I sound pathetic! But I still feel very responsible for how this has all panned out. He's decided now that even when we were working on things I was still seeing the OM, which absolutely isn't the case, but that's clearly really upsetting for him.

@Alcemeg thank you. I texted my neighbour in desperation last night when he was kicking off, to ask what she'd said, and she did say that she had been visibly shocked to learn of the affair and that he would have seen that, but that she knows there's two sides etc etc. I don't even mind about any of that stuff, it's just the added ammunition he now has to be even more difficult about arrangements for our daughter. Total nightmare to be honest!

OP’s posts: |
Alcemeg Fri 27-Aug-21 11:16:25

Oh dear flowers

What a nightmare!

He's decided now that even when we were working on things I was still seeing the OM, which absolutely isn't the case, but that's clearly really upsetting for him.
I think the trouble with your STBX is that he seems to thrive on mayhem. That hurricane at his core prefers drama and conflict, so he's never going to accept the calmer route, I'm afraid.

Thank goodness you are getting all this sorted now and not when your daughter is older.

QuentinBunbury Fri 27-Aug-21 12:51:13

I think he's just a cock and is pleased to have what he thinks is justification to be abusive
You don't have to prove anything about your relationship with OM.

Alcemeg Fri 27-Aug-21 13:29:00


I think he's just a cock and is pleased to have what he thinks is justification to be abusive
You don't have to prove anything about your relationship with OM.

Indeed that is a much better and more succinct way of putting it, @QuentinBunbury 😊

helplesshopeless Fri 27-Aug-21 15:05:51

I have further news - I've found a rental that I can have from 10th September! It's not amazing, particularly the upstairs is quite dated (lumpy wallpaper and avocado bathroom!) but it has enough space for us and a lovely big garden. I won't tell him I have it so early, I will spend a few weeks sprucing it up and making my daughter's room nice, so it is ready to move into once we've completed our agreement and I have the financial settlement. The landlord seems really lovely (think she's keen to look after me as I started crying when I was explaining how/why I was desperate for somewhere quickly) so I'm looking forward to a fresh start there.

Also, my solicitor's response re child arrangements is about to be issued - they've included wording about his behaviour last night which he won't like at all 🙈🙈🙈 gahhh. Luckily I'm away tonight so won't see his reaction. It's all just horrible.

OP’s posts: |
QuentinBunbury Fri 27-Aug-21 15:08:38

Well done on the rental. Its just a stepping stone and it's going to be so nice to be able to ignore his behaviour and be away from it. Only 2 weeks to go!

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