Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, hope you're all well . Just dropping in to give a bit of an update!

In terms of divorce agreements, things are progressing and finances are all agreed, just waiting for the lump sum. Re daughter arrangements, had a very 'interesting' response from him via his solicitor...!

My last solicitor's letter said I didn't agree to the extra night and confirmed why I thought the original agreed pattern of 6/14 was in her best interests (ie disputing the extra day he'd tried to add on). It also mentioned his inappropriate behaviour in front of our daughter and the impact it was having on her.

I got a 3 page response that started out with 'my client, quite properly, does not wish to engage in your 'mudslinging', however...' and then various paragraphs going on about how shocked he'd been about my affair, how I had never 'afforded' him the opportunity to parent our child, how he agreed to 6/14 for now but once she's in school he expects to be recognised as an equal parent and for me to go back to work full time and him have an extra night... He also named the OM, and said he has serious concerns about 'my boyfriend's character,' especially given our behaviour and he's especially worried given that we have been exchanging explicit photos (wtf) and the impact of that on our daughter's wellbeing. He also said expects my formal agreement that our daughter won't be introduced to OM for a full year as he is concerned about the impact on her and she needs time to adjust (funny how she suddenly needs time to adjust, contrary to him rushing us through to the final childcare pattern instantly!)

I honestly couldn't believe the gall of it. So many outrageous things in one letter. he's still trying to control me!! Of course I have no intention of introducing my daughter to anyone for a long time; but that's my personal life and none of his business!! I honestly feel like the solicitor should be embarrassed about sending that letter. I could hear exh's voice throughout it and it made my blood boil to be honest.

So, pros are that, as I suspected, he's backed down on the extra night until school next sept. Cons are that I now have to navigate all of these ridiculous allegations (or do I rise above, who knows, will have to see what the solicitor advises).

Meanwhile, he's still being incredibly unpleasant. I've had a lot of extremely threatening verbal abuse today, some of which i suspect my daughter overheard (or at least she picked up on the general vibes). He was just in my bedroom doorway just now going on about how he's going to tell everyone at work what a whore I am, how he'll tell my daughter this as soon as she's old enough so she'll hate me too...and he wouldn't leave or let me close the door (kept blocking it whenever I tried).

Even though logically I know his behaviour is frankly insane, I still feel on some level like I deserve it for how I behaved - I have essentially broken the family apart and I knew when getting involved with OM exactly how exh was capable of behaving if he found out. Feel like I've blasted my world into bits at the moment and even if I do end up having a happy ever after with OM, exh will never accept it and he will always always put my daughter in a difficult position in the middle. He's always going to be horrible about it and i have no idea how things will ever be manageable.

In other news, the rental house has apparently been professionally cleaned today (hurray!) and I am going over tomorrow evening to paint my daughter's room - will take a week or so to sort it out by grabbing the bits of free time that I have over the week. As soon as it's ready I'm going to take her round (of course I'll have to give him the address first!) and hopefully soon after that I can permanently move out.

I would say it can't come a moment too soon, but I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be facing a huge tidal wave of 'what now' once I'm finally out. Not sure I'm ever going to get over the guilt of making my daughter's life so complicated, especially if exh continues his campaign of spite and nastiness forever. She doesn't deserve this

[FantasticButtocks]

@helplesshopeless

Hi everyone, hope you're all well . Just dropping in to give a bit of an update!

In terms of divorce agreements, things are progressing and finances are all agreed, just waiting for the lump sum. Re daughter arrangements, had a very 'interesting' response from him via his solicitor...!

My last solicitor's letter said I didn't agree to the extra night and confirmed why I thought the original agreed pattern of 6/14 was in her best interests (ie disputing the extra day he'd tried to add on). It also mentioned his inappropriate behaviour in front of our daughter and the impact it was having on her.

I got a 3 page response that started out with 'my client, quite properly, does not wish to engage in your 'mudslinging', however...' and then various paragraphs going on about how shocked he'd been about my affair, how I had never 'afforded' him the opportunity to parent our child, how he agreed to 6/14 for now but once she's in school he expects to be recognised as an equal parent and for me to go back to work full time and him have an extra night... He also named the OM, and said he has serious concerns about 'my boyfriend's character,' especially given our behaviour and he's especially worried given that we have been exchanging explicit photos (wtf) and the impact of that on our daughter's wellbeing. He also said expects my formal agreement that our daughter won't be introduced to OM for a full year as he is concerned about the impact on her and she needs time to adjust (funny how she suddenly needs time to adjust, contrary to him rushing us through to the final childcare pattern instantly!)

I honestly couldn't believe the gall of it. So many outrageous things in one letter. he's still trying to control me!! Of course I have no intention of introducing my daughter to anyone for a long time; but that's my personal life and none of his business!! I honestly feel like the solicitor should be embarrassed about sending that letter. I could hear exh's voice throughout it and it made my blood boil to be honest.

So, pros are that, as I suspected, he's backed down on the extra night until school next sept. Cons are that I now have to navigate all of these ridiculous allegations (or do I rise above, who knows, will have to see what the solicitor advises).

Meanwhile, he's still being incredibly unpleasant. I've had a lot of extremely threatening verbal abuse today, some of which i suspect my daughter overheard (or at least she picked up on the general vibes). He was just in my bedroom doorway just now going on about how he's going to tell everyone at work what a whore I am, how he'll tell my daughter this as soon as she's old enough so she'll hate me too...and he wouldn't leave or let me close the door (kept blocking it whenever I tried).

Even though logically I know his behaviour is frankly insane, I still feel on some level like I deserve it for how I behaved - I have essentially broken the family apart and I knew when getting involved with OM exactly how exh was capable of behaving if he found out. Feel like I've blasted my world into bits at the moment and even if I do end up having a happy ever after with OM, exh will never accept it and he will always always put my daughter in a difficult position in the middle. He's always going to be horrible about it and i have no idea how things will ever be manageable.

In other news, the rental house has apparently been professionally cleaned today (hurray!) and I am going over tomorrow evening to paint my daughter's room - will take a week or so to sort it out by grabbing the bits of free time that I have over the week. As soon as it's ready I'm going to take her round (of course I'll have to give him the address first!) and hopefully soon after that I can permanently move out.

I would say it can't come a moment too soon, but I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be facing a huge tidal wave of 'what now' once I'm finally out. Not sure I'm ever going to get over the guilt of making my daughter's life so complicated, especially if exh continues his campaign of spite and nastiness forever. She doesn't deserve this

Make sure you tell every bit of this to your solicitor, and let them deal with him.

He's showing himself up seriously. That he continues his verbal abuse of you within earshot of your daughter and has declared that he will make sure she will know you're a whore etc. These are threats. And they show that he most definitely does not have her best interests as a priority. And as for the outrageous lies... yes, your solicitor needs to be making mincemeat of this absolute abusive disgrace of a man.

Never mind wasting your emotional energy on blaming yourself for breaking up the family... that's a great big waste of your time - you need all that emotional energy for getting the best possible set up for your daughter, in view of the fact her other parent is seriously lacking, and actually wishing her harm. To threaten to lie to her in the future in the hopes she'll hate her own mother.... that's a terrible intention and not one from a good father.

[Mix56]

I'd feel like sending a text, saying "Jog on Dick Head"
He really has lost all sense of reality.
You have not broken anything. He broke it, is continuing to destroy everything in his path.
The OM is a symptom of your Sick marriage.
Please stop beating yourself up over this, you have a right to live a peaceful life without all his violence & hatred.
You didn't sign up for a miserable down trodden life with this jerk.
You & DD will be just fine.
You do NOT have to tell him the address before you are ready .People leaving abusive relationships frequently keep their addresses private. However IMHO he should know where his daughter lives.
Make sure there is a chain on the door, he does not get access to your home, he can threaten & bluster all he wants about his rights. but NO, he he does not have a "right" to see inside your house.
He has form for taking your things, looking at your private information, pushing doors open or closed, DO not let him in. EVER.

[RandomMess]

I would actually speak to national domestic violence helpline and see if his threatening and abusive behaviour has reached the threshold for an occupation order and non-molestation order.

Although you intend to move out because he won't these orders will matter in the future if you end up in court for child arrangements.

Don't give your new address until the you have DD there for her first formal time and it becomes her please of residence.

Leaving is the most dangerous time and he is acting unhinged. An occupation order would give you and DD to move out in a calm peaceful manner.

[billy1966]

OP,
His behaviour is so dreadfully abusive, kindly, you too need to cop yourself on.

You are allowing your ridiculous guilt for a brief affair whilst you were in an abusive marriage, as self flagellation to somehow relieve/punish you for this guilt.

Collateral damage is your child witnessing your husbands vile abuse of her mother, verbally and emotionally.

This is just so awful.

Stop accepting his vile abuse of you as some sort of punishment you deserve.

It is selfish because your daughter should not be exposed to this.

I agree with @RandomMess, get on to the national domestic abuse line, ring 101, Women's Aid, and tell your solicitor EXACTLY how abusive he is.

He is vile and neither you nor your daughter should be victims of this man any longer.

I apologise if this reads as harsh, but enough is enough of you accepting his vile behaviour because of an affair which broke up your family.

Your affair did NOT break up your family, he wanted to move on from it.

HIS emotional abuse of you broke up your family.

I repeat...
HIS emotional and verbal abuse broke up your family, and the sooner you start standing up for yourself and accept that truth, the better life with be for you and that poor child that is having to hear his vile words and threats to her mother.

[Cavagirl]

Hi OP,
Some great advice above. Please take heed. It's telling that you still feel his letter of nonsense is a "con you have to now navigate" rather than just irrelevant bs that your solicitor can manage. You are divorcing, you don't have to jump to his tune or respond to any of his crap and justify yourself.

Unfortunately, he will always believe "your affair destroyed the marriage" and that's what he will tell people. You cannot change that, and you will never ever be able to convince him otherwise despite the truth being very different. Because to acknowledge the truth would be to realise he's an abusive arsehole, and he cannot do that. So he will always tell himself you're a whore, a bitch, bla bla yawn. But - it doesn't matter!!! You got out! You've nearly done it! Which is brilliant!

Anyway I came to ask if you really really need to do all this:
In other news, the rental house has apparently been professionally cleaned today (hurray!) and I am going over tomorrow evening to paint my daughter's room - will take a week or so to sort it out by grabbing the bits of free time that I have over the week.

What's stopping you just moving in now, and getting away from the toxicity? DD could "help" paint her room, you can just get the hell out tomorrow? Why would you want to stay there any second longer?

[billy1966]

Don't wait for your daughter's bedroom go be painted.

Completely unnecessary.

Get the two of you away from him and his abuse.

Let him say your your affair broke the marriage up.

You stick to "he emotionally and verbally abused me for years, and that is why I left the marriage".....on a loop, to EVERYONE.

[Alcemeg]

Oh Lordy OP

I love how when you point out his abuse that's "mudslinging," but him calling you a whore etc is just fine. It's that feathers vs lead thing again.

Reading between the lines, he is absolutely terrified that your DD will grow up preferring her life with you (and possibly OM). And, of course, she will.

On behalf of your DD I just wanted to congratulate you on getting her out of that toxic situation before it does major damage to her as she grows up. I'd also echo the question why you have to wait for the paint to dry before moving...?

[helplesshopeless]

I hear what you're all saying about getting out sooner, honestly. I'm just totally obsessed with my daughter needing to have a lovely bedroom to be greeted with when I drag her out of her current huge beautiful house. Over the next week I won't see him much as I now stay away Tuesday and Wednesday nights, he will be away Thursday, and then I am at a wedding all weekend.

I'm feeling really down today, really missing my daughter and with the various discussions I'm having with exh about splitting time for parties and Christmas etc, just feeling so sad that everything is going to be so complicated for her. I know the same applies for so many other children, it's just a very hard pill to swallow knowing I've made this choice for this to be her life. Also can't shake the feeling that I should have given exh more of a chance to prove himself and I jumped ship too early. I think once I'm away from him and don't have him in my ear constantly about how I've selfishly ruined her life, and thrown things away, I'll feel better about the situation. But who knows!

[Cavagirl]

I'm just totally obsessed with my daughter needing to have a lovely bedroom to be greeted with when I drag her out of her current huge beautiful house.

I know, and this is totally understandable. Please remember though that she's so little, and she will take her cue from you.

If her new bedroom is the most beautiful new bedroom in the world, but you are essentially telling her (in words, mood or body language) that you're sorry because it's so much worse than her bedroom at her dad's, she will believe you.

If it's objectively a shithole (I'm sure it won't be!) but you've stuck a fairy door up and some lights, and you tell her it's the most amazing bedroom you've ever seen, and what a lucky girl she is to have a bedroom that fairies visit at night, and everyone morning she has a letter from her own secret fairy - she will believe she's got the best bedroom in the world.

If you tell her (again, doesn't have to be in direct words) that you're so sorry for "breaking up the family" and it's your fault, that will be what she believes.

If you tell her, very simply, that mummy and daddy will live in separate houses now but she will see you both still and lucky girl have toys in two houses - that will be it.

So - difficult as it is - as everyone is telling you above, you need to stop berating yourself for "not giving him another chance" and taking on the guilt of the situation, not for your sake at this point, but for hers. Because she deserves to have a mum who makes her life simple, safe and fun, not a second choice and you'd have preferred something else for her. You are that mum for her, we all know it.

Fake it til you make it!

And of course you'd have preferred if your exH had had a personality transplant and turned into a good husband and father, but that option wasn't available so you are doing the best for her now. He didn't give you that choice.

I'm really sorry if that reads harshly but I'm concerned that continuing to live with him and his spiteful narrative is hampering your ability to move on successfully, and you're starting to believe the nonsense of "it's HH fault the marriage broke down" It's not!!!! Please have a read through your old posts and remind yourself of all the shit he pulled!

[FantasticButtocks]

@helplesshopeless

just feeling so sad that everything is going to be so complicated for her. I know the same applies for so many other children, it's just a very hard pill to swallow knowing I've made this choice for this to be her life.

Actually, it's up to you to choose to make it uncomplicated. By the way you handle it. There are plenty of children who are perfectly ok without their parents living together and you need to set her on that path with your own attitude. All the time you are flagellating yourself for these circumstances, you are not setting the best and most positive tone for your daughter.

Would you want her to stay married to a man like this? I do hope not. Don't teach her that this behaviour is ok, don't teach her that women with children have to stay with nasty men in order to be good mothers...

Also can't shake the feeling that I should have given exh more of a chance to prove himself and I jumped ship too early. what am I reading??? Really, after all this abuse from him, you think you'd be doing your daughter a favour if you stayed? Do you really think it would be good for a child to grow up living in this dynamic? Or is it that you think if you'd stayed you would have had the power to change him? Could you maybe explore some of these beliefs in therapy?

Because these beliefs are not going to help your daughter to have the lovely life you want for her. You did not 'jump ship' nearly early enough!

I hope you can get enough help and support from the right people to start to feel stronger and more focused on what is really important for both you and your daughter.

[Mix56]

Remember DD has already picked up on her father shouting.
She will love the calm & super adventure that you will be able to create.
Dancing in the kitchen
Singing out loud to your favourite songs..
Your happiness will become her happiness.
It is OK
It's not what you planned, its not what you hoped for, you didn't jump ship too soon, I agree, re read your threads, He wouldn't back off, he wouldn't give you space, every single day there we endless nagging interrogations, & accusations.
He never took any responsibility for his behaviour, even before OM.
He had been vile to Iive with for years before that.& THAT is the environment you are saving your DD from

[Alcemeg]

And of course you'd have preferred if your exH had had a personality transplant and turned into a good husband and father, but that option wasn't available so you are doing the best for her now. He didn't give you that choice.


OP, I know you're just bound to beat yourself up. Even if you re-read the thread, you'll probably do so "trying to be fair" -- i.e. scraping the barrel for every excuse under the sun for your exDH's rotten treatment of you. Even when reading back about clearly abusive behaviour, you might be tempted to wonder if you were just overdramatising.

The thing is, I think you have to be safely out of this relationship and settle into a more normal life before you have any idea how bad it really was. Give yourself time and try not to beat yourself up.

In the meantime, yes, fake it till you make it, for your DD's sake as well as your own. My mum stuck with my dad till death they do part, and it's caused me a lifetime of suffering. You're doing the best thing, I promise you! You'll be more certain of it one day when the dust has settled and the old habits have died hard and you finally get a chance of clearer vision. xxx

[helplesshopeless]

Thanks everyone. I know he's been horrible, both while we were 'working on things' and in the past generally. I don't really want to read back on my old threads because I know it'll just make me feel sorry for him because his behaviour came from a place of being so upset with my affair. I also know that hopefully with time I will realise that there's no justification for his behaviour, and that the fact that he had this unpleasant side in him (regardless of what brings it out of him) was the whole reason I stopped loving him and ended it.

I'm still struggling with the fact that things perhaps could have gotten better with him if I'd given him more of a chance. He genuinely did want to change, and change takes time, doesn't it? Which I didn't really give him. It just felt like too much of a gamble to stay, hoping he'd change, and then only to be locked back in again with him still being an arse now and then (which even if reduced, would still be too much for me now). Also I don't think he'd have changed enough for me - he might have managed his temper better and not gotten so personal and nasty in arguments, but he'd still be stroppy and impatient at times, still have polar opposite political views to me, still be slightly sexist and racist, etc.

Now, he's taken to calling my dad a 'vegetable' (he's had a few strokes and isn't well), my sister 'the 40yo virgin' (she's very shy and still single sadly) and my mum 'friar tuck' (she's a very lovely Christian lady, don't even get why he's doing this but maybe the religious reference!). Oh and I'm fester from Adams family because I have dark circles under my eyes. He's saying all of the above because he's hurt and angry with me, but what kind of person even has it in them to think up those nasty things about my family?! So while I know his behaviour is a reaction to my affair, it just demonstrates that side of him that I always disliked.

These are the things that whirl around in my head constantly while I'm debating with myself! I do think I'd benefit from therapy to help with the guilt but it's so expensive and I don't have much spare cash right now

I'm away for the weekend at a friend's wedding and it's lovely! Ridiculously I feel guilty that exh is missing out on being here, but I'm clinging on to the memory that he ruined at least two other weddings in the past by creating a big argument with me! So at least I don't have that to worry about

[helplesshopeless]

Abusive people can have a normal 'nice' side too can't they? We did have lots of normal nice and fun times as well. I feel like I'm always going on about the bad stuff, but I guess the point is that actual nice people don't have his unpleasant side...

[helplesshopeless]

In the meantime, I'm so chuffed with my daughter's room! It was never going to be amazing as I'm dealing with cruddy old carpet and nasty lumpy wallpaper that's hard to paint over, but it's a million times better and I can't wait to show it to her.

@Cavagirl funny you should mention fairies as I have bought LOADS of little fairy doors and houses to put around the garden but putting one of the doors in her room and writing letters to/from them is such a great idea, I'm absolutely doing that!

[Whatdirection]

Dear HH,

I haven’t posted for a while but still keeping up with your thread. I am so glad you have made so much progress in escaping your abusive H. You have been so strong and so brave. You are very nearly there.

I just wanted to say... I get it. I get the guilt, the constant reassessing of his behaviour, trying to weigh up ‘if he’s really all that bad’ and the ‘well we were going through a difficult time so he was going to behave badly’ type of thoughts. Of course he has a nice side....even Hitler wasn’t nasty 100% of the time.

I really would recommend re- reading your posts. I think you will be truly truly shocked at the scale of his cruel and vindictive behaviour. If it helps focus on the impact on your DD - he has frightened her, badmouthed you in front of her and been sexually inappropriate - that’s more than enough to end a marriage over it.

My counsellor has suggested to me that l need to accept the guilt l feel and come to terms with it. I think there is no point denying it as it is part of the package of your understandably complicated package of emotions you are feeling right now. But it is misplaced guilt. You are carrying his guilt for him as he is not able to. He cannot take responsibility for his terrible behaviour because the shame would be too much for him to bear.

Therefore you are carrying a double amount of shame, one lot for your affair and one lot for his behaviour. Be very aware of this. You are doing all the work here. He is diverting his shame by indulging himself with a lot of mud slinging. Why? Because then he doesn’t have to look at himself in the mirror and face the utter mess he has made of his life.

You have the strength, integrity and emotional intelligence to process the very difficult fall out from your marriage breaking down. Be as kind as you possibly can be to yourself. You have been through so much and still have some hurdles to cross.

xx

[Alcemeg]

Ahhh OP! I'm so glad things are looking up for you!

It's in your nature to feel sad, optimistic, and blame yourself. But my word, he has really brainwashed you with his behaviour came from a place of being so upset with my affair .... errrrmmm, no... no, it bloody well didn't!

Just to prove it to you. From your very first post in the original thread:
DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to each other, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. ... All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for.

You are both inclined to rewrite history to make him the victim here, and you the ogre, but there it is, in black and white.

I'm pretty sure if you could travel back in time and be a fly on the wall at intervals over the past 3.5 years, you would be shocked at what you were putting up with long before your very natural attempt to find a shred of kindness elsewhere.

Actually, maybe you wouldn't be shocked, because you're used to it. But one day you will look back and be truly shocked by it and wonder how you managed to live like that. By then, I hope the fairies will have gathered round you and DD and showered you with blessings!

[Alcemeg]

@Whatdirection

You are carrying his guilt for him as he is not able to. He cannot take responsibility for his terrible behaviour because the shame would be too much for him to bear.

Therefore you are carrying a double amount of shame, one lot for your affair and one lot for his behaviour. Be very aware of this. You are doing all the work here.

[billy1966]

@Whatdirection

Could not agree more.

This is a truly awful man, hugely emotionally abusive of both mother and child, who absolutely reflects all his ugliness and refusal to take any responsibility for his marriage ending.

The absolute bile that has slilled from him is shocking.

He liked controlling you, he liked having an emotional punchbag at home to sneer and belittle, but love you?

Nope, he certainly never loved you in any shape or form.

Love was never a million miles in his feelings towards you OP.

Save your guilt, it is a huge waste of energy.

I agree with rereading your horrifying posts.

This is one of the worst threads I have come across for his viciously awful treatment of you.

He is a truly ugly man.

Stay strong

[someonesomewhere7]

Hi OP, i've been following your story from the beginning but I can't remember if anyone has suggested to you the following resources about dealing with abusive partners:

• Lundy Barcroft's book Why does he do that?
• Dr Ramani's youtube channel about narcissistic abuse.

In lieu of therapy, I think you would find them immensly insightful.

[Mix56]

"He is diverting his shame by indulging himself with a lot of mud slinging. Why? Because then he doesn’t have to look at himself in the mirror and face the utter mess he has made of his life."

Yes to this...

[FantasticButtocks]

@helplesshopeless

Abusive people can have a normal 'nice' side too can't they? We did have lots of normal nice and fun times as well. I feel like I'm always going on about the bad stuff, but I guess the point is that actual nice people don't have his unpleasant side...

Yes, of course, otherwise how would they get anyone to be with them at all?

[helplesshopeless]

Thank you everyone 

@Whatdirection thank you so much for your kind post, it was really helpful. I think you're right about carrying double amounts of shame, and I feel so guilty about how things have panned out that actually I'd rather take on his shame at the moment to save him the extra pain! I wonder when I'll manage to disconnect from that?!

I think I'm just struggling because his most recent behaviour, which is absolutely of a level I've never experienced before, is because I've had an affair and left him (in his mind for the OM). So I do feel responsible for that, because if I'd stayed and carried on working on things he wouldn't have got this bad; and maybe he'd have actually got much better (as he really did want to). In addition, I'm conscious that I may have exaggerated the frequency and scale of his historic dickhead-ness to try to justify my own behaviour. Ultimately I think I'm slightly in shock that my marriage has ended in me having an affair and breaking up the family. And I definitely feel like I need therapy for that.

@someonesomewhere7 thank you for the recommendations. The Lundy barcroft book was suggested a few times when I was working through things so I have read it. I'm a bit on the fence with it to be honest; I recognised some of the behaviours but the examples given were always much more extreme than anything my exh did or said. So it made me feel a bit like I was being dramatic!

I just need to keep remembering that I didn't love him, because of how he behaved, and I don't need to justify that with a certain 'level' of abuse. I do feel like I should have given things more time to see if he could have turned it around but I was so conscious of dragging things out and wanting to resolve this now while my daughter was young, rather than in a few years when she would be more severely effected by the change. Maybe I rushed it because of that?! Who knows!

[helplesshopeless]

Can I just say how amazing you all are for sticking with me through all of this. It's been 4-5 months now of me wittering on about my doubts and worries and you've all been so supportive throughout