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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bastard bingo - full house!!

603 replies

helplesshopeless · 16/08/2021 06:59

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running Grin

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helplesshopeless · 11/09/2021 08:12

Arghh for gods sake, the house he was staying in now has Covid so he's decided he's coming back for the weekend 🤬🤬🤬

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billy1966 · 11/09/2021 08:15

Oh no

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RandomMess · 11/09/2021 08:33

How about telling him you have a last minute offer from a friend and go get started on your new place so he can have more one to one time with DD?

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KatySun · 11/09/2021 08:46

Is this ‘your’ time with DD? If so, I would pack up and go somewhere else with her, your parents, your new place (although you said that was not suitable yet); or failing that, take her out for the day. He doesn’t get to encroach on your time.

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Peach1886 · 11/09/2021 08:46

oh @helplesshopeless, your lovely weekend Sad...and that's very convenient for him isn't it Angry, and in any case should he not be staying away so he doesn't risk bringing it home to you?

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FantasticButtocks · 11/09/2021 10:00

What a surprise. It was utterly predictable.
Just take dd somewhere else for the weekend.

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helplesshopeless · 12/09/2021 15:04

He's just been really aggressive and threatening saying I have to give him my new address before I can take my daughter there (as apparently I'm likely to not bring her back). He's said he'll put it in the solicitors correspondence if necessary. Do I have to disclose my address to him? The fact that he actually thinks I'd hide her away there and not bring her back just shows how far gone he is in terms of total lack of cooperation 🙄

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harriethoyle · 12/09/2021 15:15

Long term lurker here - you don't have to give him your address, particularly if he has your phone number etc for emergencies and he cannot stop you taking your daughter there. I would tell your solicitor that his level of animosity makes you fear it is unsafe for him to have your address in light of recent behaviour but he can rest assured in an emergency you'll contact him etc. I would also suggest getting a payg mobile just for him and block him on your main one... keep going, you've come so far!

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billy1966 · 12/09/2021 15:39

Op, get back onto the police.
Ring 101 and log his threats.

Can you call family for support.
Can you leave the house and visit family.

Call the police for advice re the address.
Tell them you are afraid of him.
Have this logged.

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Mix56 · 12/09/2021 16:38

You do NOT have to give hime your address. where you live, & what you do with your life once separated are not his business.
If he is frightening you, report.
this WILL end in court, you need to show he is agressive & threatening.

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rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2021 16:47

I saw your initial thread but have only just come across this one. It didn't take him long to turn nasty did it?!
I wouldn't disclose your new address just yet. Seek advice from your solicitor first.

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FantasticButtocks · 12/09/2021 17:31

@rainbowstardrops

I saw your initial thread but have only just come across this one. It didn't take him long to turn nasty did it?!
I wouldn't disclose your new address just yet. Seek advice from your solicitor first.


He was nasty from the very beginning. His nastiness is exactly why they are where they are.
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KatySun · 12/09/2021 18:01

Ask your solicitor. But I think your solicitor will advise he has a right to know where his child is.

Unless you are planning to argue that he has been abusive in court and there is good reason he should not know, of course. I totally understand that you don’t want him to know but as your DD gets older, then he will just ask her. And be motivated to find out from her. And if you are agreeing to six days a fortnight contact, then it is going to be quite difficult to make it stick that he is so abusive that the address needs to be withheld.

I have stipulated to my ex that he doesn’t come to the house or park on our street. Although he was pissed off, he has respected this so far. You simply say that if he turns up at the door, you will call the police and be prepared to follow through. You always meet on neutral ground.

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RandomMess · 12/09/2021 18:11

I have to agree lots of Mums on MN - my ex won't tell me where he lives/takes my DC for contact. If it goes to court then it is reasonable for it to be disclosed.

If he turns up there/watches you etc you can absolutely get a non-molestation order or similar.

When someone is so nasty and controlling I can completely understand that you easily lose perspective of what is reasonable and what isn't.

Thanks

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helplesshopeless · 12/09/2021 19:34

Absolutely accept he'll need to know where she lives, and id want to know the same if the situation were reversed. I'd just rather he doesn't immediately know where I'm moving to in the first few weeks, just to allow a bit of a cooling off period while I settle in. Can just imagine him turning up and sneering down his nose at how far I've fallen!

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KatySun · 12/09/2021 19:43

Don’t take on the shame. Honestly. My house is tiny and I would love to provide a nice, big one for DC. But I remember the children’s worker from WA saying to me that it was a house full of love and the DC were happy, that was more important. Your STBXH will find some way to get to you no matter what you do.

Whether/when you tell him the address, you need to be really clear that he is not to turn up there or you will call the police. Have hand overs for DD at a neutral place. You don’t go to the former marital home, he does not come to your new home.

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FoxgloveSummers · 13/09/2021 08:13

@helplesshopeless

He's just been really aggressive and threatening saying I have to give him my new address before I can take my daughter there (as apparently I'm likely to not bring her back). He's said he'll put it in the solicitors correspondence if necessary. Do I have to disclose my address to him? The fact that he actually thinks I'd hide her away there and not bring her back just shows how far gone he is in terms of total lack of cooperation 🙄

I’m clueless on this issue but I’d worry this was showing he’s thought of keeping her from YOU. The fact that he’s imagined it at all. I don’t know what court/solicitors would think but it’s worth noting it down.
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billy1966 · 13/09/2021 09:05

@helplesshopeless

Absolutely accept he'll need to know where she lives, and id want to know the same if the situation were reversed. I'd just rather he doesn't immediately know where I'm moving to in the first few weeks, just to allow a bit of a cooling off period while I settle in. Can just imagine him turning up and sneering down his nose at how far I've fallen!

You do NOT have to allow him into YOUR home.

It's a huge step up in your opinion.

Do not allow him in.

He can drop to your gate, to the road outside, but not into your home.

Please heed this.
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bigbaggyeyes · 13/09/2021 12:48

Firstly 'fuck him and his peering down his nose' his opinion of you is now none of your business (thank goodness)

I think you should give him your address, but agree you certainly need a few weeks to chill out, get your head sorted etc, so I don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to keep it to yourself for a week or two. I guess it all depends on how much of an arsehole he's being.

I also agree with pp's, never, ever let him in, drop off and collect on the pavement outside. Tell him if he turns up outside of the set times you'll be calling the police.

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Mix56 · 13/09/2021 13:33

It highlights how unhappy he makes you doesnt it? you are losing (materially) so much, but it will be worth it to be free of his poison.
So when he's sneering at your new temporary home, you can think, if not say, " yeah, but its home/its mine/its happy/its freedom/free if hate & anger"

& smirk

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billy1966 · 13/09/2021 14:28

Text him clearly that you do not want him to call to your door that any handovers will be done on the road.

This will be proof that he was told.
101 should be able to give you good advice.

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Peach1886 · 13/09/2021 14:34

You haven't fallen lovely @helplesshopeless, you are on the way up!

He might try and cover it up with bluster and bullying when he's in front of you but HE will be the one who realises how low things have sunk when he's sat there in his house, on his own, without you or DD...and no prospect of you coming back.

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B00kMark · 13/09/2021 14:59

Get a ring doorbell if you can. I don’t know legally speaking if he needs to have your new address (I don’t really see why he should other than out of controlling bloody mindedness - you are her mother, not a cashier he’s dumping her with like so much shopping) but your solicitor will know and you definitely don’t have to let him in.

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FoxgloveSummers · 15/09/2021 13:24

I hope things are starting to get better for you @helplesshopeless - I keep hoping you've done a moonlight flit to the new place and are currently both thumbing your noses in his general direction from the safety of your home.

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Mix56 · 19/09/2021 23:38

I hope as it was his w/e with DD you managed to get out & start prepping your new home?

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