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feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?(350 Posts)
I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.
Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.
I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.
Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.
Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.
I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.
Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.
I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!
There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.
Are you 15? You are being needy and sulking off. The mature thing to do is to msg him today to apologise for your childish behavior last night and tell him that you do want to see him Friday (if indeed you want)
I mean look at it from his perspective. You are not bothered to see him because you didn't get what you wanted. He wanted to see you Friday u said no. He wanted to make plans midweek and u made non committal sounds while simultaneously accusing him of not wanting to see you... When u actually were the one that turned down seeing him... You threw your toys out of the pram when your plans that he was not aware of got cancelled and now you want to put him through some sort of test to see how much he care about you 2...
Why does he need to chase you up with contact and prove he cares, when you were the one being the asshole?
He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I??
You didn't try to mean it or want to mean it, you were being passive aggressive and sulky to someone just being an adult and trying to compromise in a mature way.
You've been really unfair and yes, if I was him it would be a big turn off I'm afraid.
This sounds harsh but you sound like you have a tendency to be over dramatic and entitled based on what you've said. If he doesn't want that dynamic in his relationships then you aren't compatible.
Phone up and say sorry you were so funny about it last time, but you'd arranged a surprise for him and were disappointed it wasn't going to work out. Tell him you now feel really stupid and feel bad about how you spoke to him.
If he's a decent guy, he'll like you all the more for owning your mistake.
Stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake. Take it as an opportunity to learn from it. Apologise if that’s what you want to do and you feel it is right. You can only control how you feel and do. Hopefully your partner see’s it that way and has empathy. Good luck
Yes I’m aware I’ve massively fucked up all these comments are spot on. I’m not proud of it. I’m usually very independent and understanding and supportive. I don’t know what came over me.
I can’t call him he’s working until 10pm. The fact he’s not been in touch i think may mean he’s totally checked out. I’m so sad and angry with myself we were so happy
Don't give up yet. Call him when you can and apologise. If he can't forgive you then the relationship is over but you need to give him the chance. Don't over react and dramatise the situation just yet. Sometimes we act before we think. We are all human but you've released your mistake and need to try and make it right.
Realised your mistake....oh I wish there was an edit function on MN!
But you’re not happy. You are disappointed.
Are you the same person who posted yesterday about your partner doing a course and working so you hardly see him ?
This seems pretty minor the scheme of things - I think a normal, healthy relationship should be perfectly able to weather this sort of incident.
Just phone him and explain that you’d arranged a surprise, were disappointed and are really sorry that you overreacted.
@GreenLeafTurnipi I feel so sick. How have i ruined one of the best things to happen to me in such a long time. I feel so shit.
I won’t be able to speak to him on the phone today. He hasn’t text me and usually would after a phone call saying how nice it was to talk.
You are the one that needs to contact him first to apologise and explain.
It's also likely that because you kept him up till 1am he could have woken up late/been too tired to contact you before work. Or he may be waiting for you to make a move.
@bangheadhere40 yes I could text and apologise. I don’t know what to do really. It is very unlike him not to be in touch.
You have realised your mistake but haven’t thought to text him first to apologise? You’ve been a stroppy mare and wondering why he hasn’t messaged you first like normal.
Just send a text at least then you will know where you stand
Just text him now....
"I'm so sorry I was a whiny idiot last night on the phone, I don't know what came over me. I appreciate how had you work and was being really silly. I would absolutely love to see you on the Friday, why don't I come to you and bring food, then you don't have to travel as you need to be up early.
Sorry again, I love you."
I think most relationships will or have been through something like this. Don't keep beating yourself up. You over reacted. Most people do at some stage. Just apologise when you can talk to him and explain how you felt and why. Its pretty minor to be honest and if he can't see past it thats his problem and not yours.
If you don't message him today, then it will be over. He will think you are still a stroppy mare! He isn't telepathic, he doesn't know you are feeling like this! It will be fine.
OP, you're aware that you were needy and passive-aggressive and bordering a little on the ridiculous.
I'd text him now with an apology 'I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what came over me last night, of course I completely understand how important your work is, I just had a bit of a moment and was disappointed about our plans. Hope your day isn't too busy, speak soon, hannag xx' And then just leave it, ball firmly in his court.
Did you post yesterday or the day before about your partner going away with his friends on a pre-booked weekend but not being able to see you for 3 weeks as he's studying? Apologies if not. If it is you though, then yes, you are being a bit ott about all this and should try to calm down and not overreact to his very reasonable behaviour.
I wouldn't say he's totally checked out, maybe just taken a back by it all ? Just send a text apologising , you've made a mistake and you know it.
I think you are overreacting
Yes you have been silly, but you were disappointed that your surprise wasn't going to work out
So you need to message him today and apologise for last night, explain youd booked a surprise and felt a bit embarrassed and so acted as you did.
You've been together for a good 6 months, I wouldn't expect one argument to ruin that.
I think I’m scared to message him and once I do I will be obsessing over a reply. Also I feel very insecure now as he was so abrupt on the phone when the call ended and I haven’t heard from him like usual...so part of me is feeling even more scared about getting in touch.
I’ve drafted a text that just says along the lines of ... sorry about last night, I was being unfair and unreasonable. I’ve just missed you. I know you have stuff you need to do and I wholly support you in that. I hope your day is going well.
I think that text sounds good.
Does he know you'd planned a bank holiday surprise? Just explain that you were disappointed and looking forward to some quality time together
Look, we all have our wobbles. The thing with feelings, is that they aren't facts but they are real. You were disappointed that your big surprise wasn't going to happen. It's fine to feel like that. What you mustn't do is blame him for how you feel, which I think is what you've realised. In general, our feelings are things that we have to deal with, not put on someone else.
I had an extremely huge wobble with my partner in january. long story, but i was anxious, tearful and upset for a couple of weeks at the start of the lockdown. It wasn't his fault, i didn't blame him for it, and we were able to simply find the space to keep talking it through and allow him to do the things I needed to feel more secure while I worked out wtaf was going on in my brain.
I haven't had a relationship like that before, where the communication of unhappiness was able to happen without blame. It's a flipping revelation, and made me feel so held, emotionally.
Apologise, explain the reasons why you reacted the way you did, and own it. Recognise that you had a childish reaction, and that it's something you need to address, and that you shouldn't have taken it out on him, and in particular not been passive aggressive (this is also something i'm having to unlearn, after having been with someone for a long time who would see everything as blame and criticism, so PA ended up being my way of expressing frustration).