feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

[hannag]

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

Just text him and apologise!

You're already obsessing over it and at least you'll have done your best to put it right if you message him.

Just say - "sorry about last night. I had booked a surprise weekend away and was gutted about it not working out. I feel embarrassed about how badly I handled it. I'd still like to see you Friday if you're up for it."

Why isn’t HE worrying that by booking work over seeing op that perhaps HE’S blown it?

Ok a tad dramatic but the feeling of disappointment she’s feeling isn’t t a crime.

I dare say he’s leaving her to calm down and will deal with it another time, or perhaps he’s reflecting on what he’s contributing to this situation

Of course OP is allowed to be disappointed but how about instead of being passive aggressive she'd been grown up about it and said oh I'm actually quite disappointed because I'd planned something special?

Just spoken to a friend. She’s saying that he booked this without mentioning it and then casually mentioned he had booked a day off next week but hadnt asked if I wanted to book it off too. I didn’t feel great about this and it set the tone of the chat off in a bad way but I didn’t say anything to him. What could I have said, why don’t you want to book a day of holiday with me?!

But my friend is saying she would feel shit about that. She’s met him and thinks he’s very into me but isn’t able to offer what I want.

I’m now wondering whether to even send the message at all. I was a dick and I did make a fuss but I know deep down it’s because he is very indifferent when we are apart and amazing when together. When apart I don’t feel I have boyfriend really. He does text daily and it’s good but in terms of plans together it is limited.

I don’t know. I didn’t sleep much and do feel like a complete twat for being childish but I also know I don’t feel like he is bothered generally. Maybe I should just draw a line.

Sure draw a line if that's what you want to do, but it's more grown up to do it having apologised for your behaviour and telling him your reasons for dumping him.

I think you need to find someone who would like to be with you 24/7. Your boyfriend texts you everyday but your forward plans are where it falls down. You do know he has a right to a day off from work without seeing you or anyone? This is healthy. You seem very distressed by this relationship as it seems its not going along your own timeline that you would like. He may be just a laid back guy wanting to get on in his career before thinking about settling down and is enjoying your company when he has it. Your angst and stress with him may not be good for you in the long run.

I think you need to stop overthinking.
This is a blip. You just need to apologise.
And now you've gone from caring so much, booking days away straight to 'oh well. It's probably over anyway.' It's a big leap, OP!

I don't really know what you mean about not feeling like to have a boyfriend when you're not together. If he is in touch everyday, then there's not a whole lot more he could be giving right now while working the hours he does.

Do you want someone to merge their life with yours after 6 months of dating? Because that's not very realistic. That early on, you are just dating and getting to know one another.

If you want something more intense with hours on the phone every day, then this doesn't sound like the right bloke, but I would worry that someone who invested that much so soon would be a love-bomber and not that healthy either.

OP it sounds like you want someone to be super invested in you but not this man in particular.

You've gone from being distraught and madly in love to thinking you should draw a line under it and thinking he's not that bothered - all in the space of a few hours.

You sound like you operate in extremes and if I'm honest, like you enjoy drama in relationships.

You made a huge issue out of something (him being busy) by being passive aggressive and sulking, refusing to compromise and then not even texting to apologise because you didn't think you'd get the response you wanted to now thinking you should end it after a conversation with a mate.

Chill. Think about whether you actually want this person to be with you long term or you just want someone to want to be with you long term.

I really think some counselling to unravel your impulsive behaviour would be beneficial as you are thriving on drama IMO.

You've gone from one extreme to the next. Whether you want to be with him or not you owe him an apology and to tell him if you don't want to take it further.
Honestly this is all such an overreaction on your part, and you're being really unfair to this guy.

Friends often say what you want to hear to make you feel better. I’m not saying your friend is wrong because I haven’t met this man. But given the (limited) facts I have on this thread , I truly think that he was trying to find a way to make it work but you rejected every attempt.

However, if you don’t think you’ll be able to cope with his schedule then maybe you are incompatible and you should find a man that can give you what you want (which sounds like more initiation and a flexible lifestyle).

You sound like you have issues around apologising & owning when you’re wrong. Just apologise and move on!

This doesn't have to be a massive deal. He won't go off you for one incident like this. Just text, apologise and make plans for Friday and move on. Don't over think it. It's far more childish to not text, sulk and keep it going. Hope you get it sorted soon.

I think you’re probably right, he isn’t as invested as you. This doesn’t necessarily indicate that he’s not serious about you though, it may just be that he conducts relationships and prioritises differently to you. I’d take a day off without including a boyfriend or partner in my plans. I have lots of interests to pursue.

Regarding your OP...you had a wee flip out there but it’s not the end of the world. Acknowledging it and apologising will go a long way.

Also wanted to say...
If he holds this against you, beware. You don’t want to end up in a relationship in which you feel unable to express your feelings. A decent man will move on. A tossbag will use it against you.

Read your latest update Op.

A poster up thread nailed it when saying someone as career focused as this man will never have the time or interest in devoting much time to a relationship. It's just his personality, but being with him you'll have to accept you will be a bit lonely and likely be doing things on your own most days.

I'm sure he does like you/love you. But does he consider you and your feelings/needs? Can he give you the time and attention you want and indeed deserve? It is not needy to be upset you won't get to spend a weekend together. You could have handled it better and just told him you're disappointed, but your feelings are valid. Scraps of time is not what you want after all.

Do you think this is a temporary focus on career? Or will he always be chasing the next promotion?

For now, apologise for getting stroppy but also be honest and say you would like some more quality time together - how can you both work on it. If he's an emotionally mature man he will not blink at your outburst and be understanding. This is hardly a reason to break up! If he does, he has some very odd ideas of human behaviour. People strop. People get upset and react badly. It's normal and really you shouldn't be stressing so much about whether it's turned him off.

Is he stressing and worried that you'll leave him because he's a workaholic? Or anxious because he booked work without checking if you wanted to do something?

So why are you acting like you're a piece of shit and he's rescued you? You're both equal adults and partners. This is nothing that can't be resolved with no fall out.

I do think you need to work on your self esteem and question why you think he is the best thing that's ever happened to you?! I'm sure he's lovely and a good man but unless he's fanning you and feeding your grapes while doing all the housework, he is NOT the best thing in your life.

@notapizzaeater

If you don't send the text how is he supposed to know you've realised you were being unreasonable?

Exactly You were in the wrong so need to be the one to send the first text. Take it on the chin. It’s not a sufficient excuse to say you can’t because you’d then obsess all afternoon- just get busy/occupied!

Well maybe draw the line but apologise first. One doesn’t preclude the other.

It almost seems you would prefer a promising relationship to end than admit you were in the wrong and apologise(?) That makes you seem very immature & raises questions about how you proceed in relationships if you cannot say sorry when it’s needed. All the overthinking seems designed to avoid apologising!

You overreacted because you were upset, I would probably too. However, you need to at least text him (as he's working late) and apologise for reacting how you did. You were disappointed, I get it.

If he bins you off after this then maybe he isn't so great after all, or maybe he feels differently to you. Who knows?

Text him to apologise and see what happens from there.

I can be a bit of a drama queen like you OP but the difference is I realise afterwards and say ‘sorry I was being an idiot’ to my DP. You risk losing him or at least his respect if you don’t.

Sounds like maybe you enjoy things feeling a bit dramatic? Or have only ever experienced that in a relationship, so it feels weird without it?

Yeah id say either say sorry but explain why you were dissapointed (as id prob be annoyed too? im sure this isnt the first time you've felt pushed to the side after everything youve been saying?
Or acknowledge that maybe he cant offer what you would like? And that doesnt mean you're wrong at all, you're entitled to have needs, but its just whether he is compatible with those needs.

But stop beating yourself up, we all have our moments xxx

Just text him the apology he deserves and take it from there. Keep it short and sweet like the half draft you posted earlier.

Op you were in the wrong apologise. Drop him a text, apologise for being unreasonable and wish him a nice day. Problem solved.

If you don't eat to be with him, drop him a text to apologise for being unreasonable then explain this isn't working for you and Eid him well. Problem solved.

If you feel this is a deeper problem but would like to work on it, text him to apologise, wish him a nice day and then ask whether you can meet up for a quick coffee and chat. Arrange a day time and explain the place you were coming from. See how it goes.

In all honesty I've been single 4 years, I've got used to doing things my way. You said you got together last autumn so anything between 8 and 5 months ago. I'm not sure at that stage and when not living with someone I would expect to have to coordinate days off with them. In fact if I was seeing someone 5 months I definitely wouldn't expect to have to discuss additional work plans or when I booked leave in advance at all.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, but then again your feelings are valid if you really feel that way, in which case it just means you're not compatible. In any case you feel you reacted badly last night so you need to apologise.