feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

[hannag]

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

[chocorabbit]

So is he the one that always texts first? Why is it always about you? You can text first and in this instance apologise. And if you have problems with your days off take it on with him (in a civilised and pleasant manner for starters) and see how it goes. I don't know about him but you don't practically seem very invested in him, just all words, what will happen to me and me. Give it a try and if he isn't worth it break up!

[KurtWilde]

He doesn't sound under invested to me, it's still quite early in the relationship to be co-ordinating days off. And he IS entitled to booking a day off just for himself to unwind and reboot without seeing you - or telling you for that matter!

[Trixie78]

We've all been there, just message him and say sorry for being a whiny dick, tell him you'd booked a surprise but you can do it another time and you'd like to see him Friday if he's still free. If you handle it properly like a grown up he'll likely forgive you.

[Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel]

You keep saying you’re usually so independent but it really doesn’t come across that way. You’ve given him a massive red flag behaving in this way. If he was a female posting this about your behaviour he’d be told to run for the hills.

[Tubs11]

Most likely he's giving you some space... Send a text saying sorry you were a bit OTT last night and maybe joke about the level of whining shows how much you like him and gutted you don't get to hang out? Keep it light though

[hannag]

@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel that’s why I am thinking it’s maybe best to leave it, show him I am independent rather than sending a clingy message.

We didn’t actually have an argument, I just put lots of pressure on him and kept saying I felt like he didn’t care. He kept saying he did and what else could he do other than tell me and I won’t accept it. It wasn’t the best conversation but we said night to each other and there wasn’t an argument as such.

I’m just wondering now if I leave it and if we do carry on speaking then I have a strong reminder to myself not behave like a clingy dickhead in future. I just don’t know. It’s odd for him not to be in touch though.

[Greenmarmalade]

Absolutely apologise! Why wouldn’t you?

Send an apology ASAP.

[Allwokedup]

You need to chill a bit. You’re allowed to have feelings and you’re a human who makes mistakes. You perhaps shouldn’t have surprised him if he is so busy at work but you’re not wrong to be disappointed but yes your shouldn’t have been so PA.

[BlueVelvetStars]

Apologise girl.. 🌸💕

Take it from there.. ☺️

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

He suggested a compromise, you said you didn't think he really wanted to see you, he reassured you and you rebuffed him again saying no to his suggestion and the call ended. Then you say:

It’s odd for him not to be in touch though.

It's not odd at all to not initiate a conversation with someone who was passive aggressive, unwilling to compromise and didn't apologise!

As I said you do seem to thrive on drama a bit!

[Dozycuntlaters]

Just apologise and take it from there. If you don't contact him again you won't look look independent, you will look like you're sulking, which is not an attractive quality.

Apologise, stop over thinking and just chill out.

[Etinox]

I think you’re getting a really hard time here OP- and you’re giving yourself a really hard time too, “Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work...”
He’s your boyfriend, not the father of your children working down the mines while you sit around eating grapes. You don’t have to put his needs in front of yours. It’s not unreasonable that you should want to spend time with him.

[CharlotteRose90]

I’m the queen of overthinking but In this case you need to apologise and admit you fucked up. Yes you planned a surprise but he didn’t know and arranged to work. He’s career focused you know this. I would have just messaged back saying ok and then arrange whatever you sorted for the following week. Just message and say sorry. Stop thinking the worst and acting like a 15 year old. If he’s not into you after this then it’s on him not you.

[hannag]

@Etinox I think this is why I am in two minds...I do wish I hadn’t been so bloody pathetic and whiny but the sentiment was that I missed him and just wanted to see him.

For my own self respect and sanity I don’t want to ever get myself into that state again. I am wary of bringing it up not because I think HE should make the effort and not me but because I don’t want to open up a big discussion or delve into it all again when really I was just being miserable (and unattractive in the process!) about not seeing him.

I do wonder if keeping my mouth shut and if he gets in touch being very nice and understanding is a better approach. I just don’t know. I don’t want to lose him and I feel so annoyed at myself for this but can’t help thinking if I contact him about it then it is like an extension of the drama.

[lovemenot]

Ahhhhh.....own your own behaviour! Simple. You over-reacted and got whiny and sulky and you know it. Show him you are adult enough to know when you owe an apology. C'mon, big girl pants on and have enough respect for him to be honest and forthright.

[pondfrog]

The key issue here is if you want to have a relationship with someone where work always comes first. He's clearly very driven and this is unlikely to change.

If that isn't for you then you are best off walking from this. Doesn't matter how nice he is if you hardly see him and its important to you to spend more time with the person you are in a relationship with.

As for the conversation. If this relationship has any legs at all you should be able to resolve this with a conversation. If you can't this relationship was never a goer anyway.

[MotherOfGodWeeFella]

Just apologise and move on. You're the one who behaved badly yet you want him to be the one to contact you? You want him to jump through hoops instead of you being an adult. If you don't apologise and he doesn't contact you, you've only yourself to blame. And if he does contact you I hope you apologise to him then.

[vdbfamily]

I think in relationships it is important too recognise how different we all are. My DH is very likely to have Asbergers. The first time he went away with work for a few days, I asked him on his return if he had missed me. He said something like" not really, I' ve been too busy to think about it". I could have taken offence and decided he didn't love me but I learnt to appreciate the different ways he shows live without actually saying it. A secure person will not need constant validation. I think you still need to explain to him why you reacted that way so he realises you were disappointed for a genuine reason and not just being grumpy for no reason. I do not understand why you would not at least take three time to explain that.

[billy1966]

It sounds to me as if your gut is telling you that whilst he likes you he is just very busy with other priorities.

Your gut knows that and you reacted to the pain of that knowledge.

You can still apologise for being cranky the next time you speak but the issue remains, he just may be too busy for a serious relationship.

That's his choice which is fair enough but you have to choose too how long you are prepared to wait and see if your gut is wrong.

He may really like you in that compartmentalised way some men are.
Really liking you and enjoying you but still you are not "the one".
A good enough girlfriend for now.

Only you know.

One thing is, he is not making you happy.
Ye are on different pages.

[Cloudfrost]

Dear God, just how selfish and needy can you be??!

If you think your behavior yesterday was unattractive then newsflash, today you being absolutely awful.

If roles were reversed and a guy behaved like you and then didn't apologiseeveryone would be saying LTB....! It speaks volumes the fact that you can't admit you fucked up and apologise like a decent, mature person! Even if you want to break up, you still owe him an apology for your ridiculous outburst.

Based on all your posts I am 100% sure this is not the first time ever that u have acted like this. No way

[Dogoodfeelgood]

You should do a bit of reading into attachment styles, as your reaction to him not being able to spend time with you AND you reaction to your reaction (lots of anxiety that this means it must be over between you because you made a mistake), is quite common among people with anxious avoidant attachment styles (I know because I have this and have taken a long time to work on it!). In a secure relationship, you can’t “ruin” it by a one off incident of pushing someone away because you’ve been made to feel disappointed/vulnerable. It’s also very normal to be able to be “independent and supportive” in the beginning, because you haven’t started to feel vulnerable yet. As things progress and you’re investing more time, your vulnerability increases and so does your anxiety and instinct to quickly break things off out of a growing fear that they won’t love you back. I have found that reading up on attachment styles and understanding how they are developed has really helped me grow as a person in relationships. It also helps if you find someone with a very secure attachment style who won’t abandon you or withdraw at the first sign of emotion. Hopefully your guy is secure! From the sounds of your conversation he is.

Just take a deep breath and apologise and tell him you had planned a surprise so reacted badly due to disappointment. And stop pushing him away because you’re afraid he doesn’t like you. Just be calm and say what you want x

[hannag]

I think a lot of this is that whilst he is very intense when together...he’s wonderful to me, sincere, attentive, kind, fun...he is very very formal and reserved and almost autistic at times. He’s said himself from day one he’s on the spectrum. He will often just blurt something out with no tact. Not always by any means and he’s very emotionally intelligent but he can be blunt, matter of fact, to the point. I love that about him as I feel I always have a sincere version of him. But it can be hard sometimes when you want to plan something or you’re excited to see him and he’s very structured and formal about it.

I know this is where my reaction came from last night as I was just sad I wouldn’t see him and how he comes across in tone etc is very indifferent. When pushed he says of course I want to see you and that he misses me etc etc. But it’s not forthcoming from him. He’s just not that sort of man. None of this excuses my reaction or makes it ok to pressure him and be clingy. I’m just trying to work out where it came from as despite how bloody pathetic I sound on here, I have a very independent and full life.

I just hope this doesn’t mark the end. If he contacted me I would 100% apologise. I’m just wary of sending a message for him to think oh god what now... I would rather he could develop the confidence again that I’m just getting on with it. I’m confused about what to do really. We didn’t actually argue. I just came off the phone and felt stupid for being so clingy, he didn’t text and so I’ve been obsessing ever since.

[Cactuslove]

This is all really dramatic.

Basically you just text and say 'wow I what a whiner I was last night- sorry about that- but at least you know I miss you! Anyway how's your day been?'. Just something a bit jokey and lighthearted- and something else he can respond to so it doesn't become a conversation about the stupid drama last night.

[KurtWilde]

So you acted badly it HE has to message first?? Wow. I think in the nicest way possibly it's him that needs to end it.

[hannag]

@Cloudfrost your post made me laugh...yes I am being more awful today I expect. I’m not sure I have behaved this way before...it’s definitely been in me to do that as I overthink things so perhaps I have. To clarify, the only thing holding me back contacting him now is that I don’t want him to think I’ve been sitting here obsessing all day...I think that might make him think oh god not more drama? I would prefer him to have had some space and feel that I’m not as desperate as I came across last night and I don’t expect constant attention? I’m confused about what to do really.