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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

349 replies

hannag · 14/05/2021 10:48

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 14/05/2021 12:09

If you don't send the text how is he supposed to know you've realised you were being unreasonable?

wildeverose · 14/05/2021 12:11

Just text him and apologise!!! If you don't and you're expecting him to message first, then you're still being a stroppy child.
If I was him and you didn't message me, I'd be done.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself on here and actually go and do something about it, writing here isn't actually changing anything is it?

Hellzbellz25 · 14/05/2021 12:15

You are only thinking of yourself re the no texting thing! Because YOU will obsess once you've sent it, well there is your punishment for being an arse! Send the text for his sake to help and make him feel better about it all, the apology is about him not you!!!

Hullish · 14/05/2021 12:22

You owe him an apology, so regardless of what you hope to get out of it you should text an apologise.

Cas112 · 14/05/2021 12:26

I feel like your only apologetic for your reaction because he didn't respond the way you wanted.

cherrytreecottage · 14/05/2021 12:31

[quote hannag]@Bluntness100 maybe I am more needy than I relalise? I’m scared to text him as I know I will obsess all day over it. Pathetic isn’t it.[/quote]
You're the one that needs to apologise for the way you handled it. You absolutely cannot wait for him to finish work at 10, be exhausted and then expect to hear from him.
You're obsessing over it now, so send the text and then at least you've done the right thing. Your silence will be speaking volumes to him

Peace43 · 14/05/2021 12:36

You are not the first person to behave like a bit of a doofus. Appologise, tell him you were hoping to do something with him and you got a bit upset and disappointed when you realised your plans wouldn’t happen and behaved badly. You understand he needs to work and you’d love to see him on Friday.,.

AramintaLee · 14/05/2021 12:37

Honestly, the longer you wait to apologise, the worse you look as he will probably assume you're still in a mood.

I don't think this was a deal breaker argument, but you dragging it out might make it become that. You're creating a self fulfilling prophecy by agonising over how you've messed up and it's over. It's NOT, but it might be if you don't just own up the fact you were unreasonable and apologise sooner rather than later.

summersolstice43 · 14/05/2021 12:41

Whats done is done so you need to stop beating yourself up over this and concentrate on making it right, if thats what you want.

As you say, he's busy and career focused so he will have wanted to get off the phone and to bed and would have been straight out to work this morning. He may also be stressed at work and your call maybe didnt help him. Send the text, apologies and explain then wait until he finishes work tonight and see what he's thinking.

DianeCherry · 14/05/2021 12:42

Just apologise. Unreservedly and whole heartedly. Don't try to excuse your behviour or justify it in any way, just say you know you were wrong to react that way, want to make amends and regain his trust. Good luck OP

theresstardustinmyhead · 14/05/2021 12:43

Honestly don't think this needs to be a big deal. You were stroppy, but that happens sometimes. In a grown up relationship you'd each be able to own your mistakes, say sorry, forgive each other and move on in situations like this.

Stop dwelling on it and send the bloody text. You could've resolved this in the time it's taken to set up this thread. If he loves you, genuinely, and you apologise, all will be fine. You can only control the apology part of that so give it a go.

The longer you leave it the bigger an issue it becomes.

MotherOfGremlins · 14/05/2021 12:50

Just send the text - you behaved badly so he deserves an apology whether or not it ultimately ends up as you wish.

To be honest though, if what happened last night was enough for him to want to end it, then you've dodged a bullet yourself.

This is a lot of angst over not very much - everyone behaves badly once in a while. Everyone deserves a relationship where they can apologise like an adult and feel secure that it will be taken in the spirit that it's intended.

L0bstersLass · 14/05/2021 12:52

[quote hannag]@Bluntness100 maybe I am more needy than I relalise? I’m scared to text him as I know I will obsess all day over it. Pathetic isn’t it.[/quote]
Yes. And selfish.

He's no doubt feeling a bit shit too.
Send him the text. You're hardly going to feel worse than you do now and he might start to feel a bit better.

JackieTheFart · 14/05/2021 12:52

Look, you've been dating for a while and say everything is great with you two. If he's willing to sack you off after one instance of petulance, then maybe he's not a keeper.

However, on the flipside, if you're not willing to just take the bull by the horns and apologise, then don't be surprised if the relationship fails.

Text him something like "sorry I was so shitty yesterday. I had made all these nice plans in my head and the disappointment that it didn't work for you made me turn into a brat. Hope we can make up tomorrow x" (or whenever)

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/05/2021 12:53

Agree with all the PPs - the disappointment you felt at your plans to spend time together made you react badly. But rather than own that you’re making it worse by not contacting him.

If he’d reacted badly, telling you you’re needy and pathetic etc then absolutely you’d have the moral high ground here, but it seems he tried to offer an alternative and was quite civil throughout the exchange so it’s on you to reach out. If he loves you as much as you love him he’ll accept your apology and move on. If he doesn’t then at least you know that now.

BrilliantBetty · 14/05/2021 12:57

This is pretty minor.
If he does check out / has check out it can't be a reflection on this one incident.

TolkiensFallow · 14/05/2021 12:57

Message him, own it and be honest. “Hey, I’m sorry I was so grumpy last night. I’d organised a secret treat for that weekend and was disappointed but should have just said that last night. Don’t know what got into me, of course I’d love to see you whenever suits”

CaraherEIL · 14/05/2021 12:57

The longer you leave it to text him the more entrenched it becomes in his mind that you were a PITA. Send the text now, you will still stew but better stewing having made the apology than stewing having left him with that negative impression of you.

Megan2018 · 14/05/2021 12:57

If your relationship can’t survive a bit of a blip then it’s not worth much anyway.
All sounds a bit melodramatic.
Tell him you were upset as you’d booked a surprise. Not hard really is it?
Then give your head a massive wobble.

KurtWilde · 14/05/2021 12:57

Why would he text you afterwards when you'd been so unreasonable? It's down to you to message him and apologise.

RestUp · 14/05/2021 13:02

Just send him a message!!

Really sorry I acted like a child last night. I have reflected on the conversation and I guess I was hurt that I had organised a surprise which you wasn't able to do - I should have ran it by you first. Sorry I was so unreasonable.
Love you - hope you are having a good day.

You know what OP, if he is going to react like a child to that and not have a conversation about it then maybe it's him in the wrong.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 13:04

@RestUp

Just send him a message!!

You know what OP, if he is going to react like a child to that and not have a conversation about it then maybe it's him in the wrong.

Sure. But right now it’s her, because she’s not even; texting to say sorry. She’s just ignoring him.

MzHz · 14/05/2021 13:05

[quote hannag]@GreenLeafTurnipi I feel so sick. How have i ruined one of the best things to happen to me in such a long time. I feel so shit.

I won’t be able to speak to him on the phone today. He hasn’t text me and usually would after a phone call saying how nice it was to talk.[/quote]
Hold on... you’ve been seeing this guy for - what? - 6m?

He booked working over seeing you, didn’t mention it to you, you’ve made plans and are disappointed (understandably so) and this is the way he’s reacting?

If this ends a relationship, then there wasn’t much to the relationship in the first place.

Don’t beat yourself up.

KurtWilde · 14/05/2021 13:07

Can't believe anyone would think OPs DP was in the wrong!

BlueVelvetStars · 14/05/2021 13:09

Aaww no OP, I hope everything turns out okay.

We all over react sometimes, apologise properly and mean it and perhaps explain the surprise too.

🌸

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