17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@Hailtomyteeth

He has someone else but would rather you looked like the bad guy. He was just waiting for his excuse to go and make it seem your fault. Shark mode now - don't hope for (or allow) him back, get to a solicitor and sort out life for you and your children. I lost at least a year by messing about. Get everything you can, he'll turn nasty, even if he never has been before. You can grieve as you go, this is all terrible and you didn't deserve it. Now, survive. Go for it.

I wish someone had looked me in the eye and firmly said this when it happened to me.

@PaterPower

My ex “D”W left for her OM, so your counsellor is talking nonsense.

I think the point was, men never leave unless there is someone else.

I echo everyone on here . I know you want to give him what for but hes hoping for that so he can go for the " look what I have to put up with is it any wonder I'm leaving " angle.
He's told his own children that he has left the marriage so that's a good enough reason to move forward quickly. See a solicitor, take his stuff to his mums and start sorting out finances . Refuse to get into any arguments with him , use email or text to communicate and be frosty and polite if you do have to see him face to face .
Then slag him off on here non stop if it helps !

Like all blokes in this situation he would rather have you hurting and confused so he has you to come back to if his New Life doesnt work out , don't give him that option

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Like all blokes in this situation he would rather have you hurting and confused so he has you to come back to if his New Life doesnt work out , don't give him that option

This :-(

Same happened to my sister, turns out he'd been having an affair, a year later its like my sister doesn't exist anymore to him, he wants a divorce and half the house, she can't get a mortgage on her wages even with her half of the house sale.
She can't even afford a solicitor.
He's more that happy to see my sister and DC homeless, she'll be very lucky to get a council house, high demand where we live.
Get your ducks in a row and prepare for the worst

I think the biggest problem here is the suddenness of it which indicates OW
If someone is unhappy they are entitled to leave but to tell you suddenly and the kids with no preparation is just shocking
I do think in general men wouldn't bring up they were unhappy previously even if they were due to the majority of men's nature with emotions : so yes if someone is unhappy, leave but not with such callousness and suddenness at least try and explain or improve the situation but I don't think a lot of men have the emotional ability to do this.
I disagree that there is always an OW and I think couples going through a mediator are more likely to have big conflict which would have arisen from the affair so I don't think it's necessarily a good representation.

I just can't believe he told your children like that - it would be unforgivable to me.

Good luck OP.

So sorry you're being put through this, OP. I would like to ask: you obviously don't want him to leave; has he seen what a devastating impact this has had upon you?

If there is an OW, IF, I would be wondering how they met and where.
Can you think of any conversations this year where he mentioned someone new at work or his hobby? Perhaps he stopped talking about her.
Did he have nights out with the lads, start dressing or grooming differently?
Has he talked about how the world is different now, nobody knows what is around the corner etc etc perhaps he in some sort of crisis mode? Panicky or frightened that life is not going as planned.

@Fallowdeerhunter, it is extremely rare for men to suddenly leave especially where in this case the Op has suspicions.

In my situation I left after Ex was abusive but it took several years for OW to appear. She was exiting her marriage and they wanted to leave a perceived gap to prove it wasn't an affair but it is obvious that she had been in the wings.

I know a man who left a relationship 18 months ago, he is with someone else, a "friend" who was definitely on the scene. His ex partner doesn't know about the new relationship and assumes he is still single. He has however been respectful to her and it is amicable. When the new relationship is out in the open I bet the ex partner will realise it was in the background.

@SecondStageIgnition

So sorry you're being put through this, OP. I would like to ask: you obviously don't want him to leave; has he seen what a devastating impact this has had upon you?

I think now, I have got my head around there being no reconciliation - I’m just sad it has come out of the blue and he is treating me so cruel. I would like him to make contact re spring finances/kids etc yet it looks like it will be me. I also want him to be the one who lets everyone know x

@willowmelangell

If there is an OW, IF, I would be wondering how they met and where. Can you think of any conversations this year where he mentioned someone new at work or his hobby? Perhaps he stopped talking about her. Did he have nights out with the lads, start dressing or grooming differently? Has he talked about how the world is different now, nobody knows what is around the corner etc etc perhaps he in some sort of crisis mode? Panicky or frightened that life is not going as planned.

Ha! New clothes and new teeth - hence my ideas on a mid life crisis! There’s one or two nights that don’t add up, I get the impression whatever type of relationship he’s had has blossomed on the phone.

Im sorry this has happened to you. There will be an OW sadly- men rarely leave unless there is.

It is a grief, your H turns into someone you dont recognise- he looks the same but hes not. The partner and friend is gone and you’ll grieve for him. Its horrible but you must let your family & friends help you and get a good solicitor. Sending strength. There is life after divorce

Don’t worry about it, it’s irrelevant whether he has another woman or not. He doesn’t want to be in the marriage that’s what matters.

And ignore everyone on here, lots of people always pop up on these type of posts insisting men NEVER leave without an OW and they’re a solicitor or a mediator and so they know. But they don’t. No-one knows apart from him. And, anecdotally, I know many personal cases of men who have left but not for someone else. But as Say don’t get bogged down in this as it doesn’t affect your next moves

I also want him to be the one who lets everyone know

You are leaving yourself wide open then, OP. He’ll justify leaving you and lie and tell his “side” of the story. Get in first, but do it with dignity.

Sometimes they don't leave for an 'actual' OW - which leaves them able to swear blind on everyone's lives that there isn't anyone else. It can be either that they've got the faintest whiff in the wind that another woman is interested and they want to act on it without the guilt of an affair, or that they want there to be another woman, they just haven't lined her up yet.

Usually they think they look 30% younger and are 50% fitter than they actually are.

Keep being dignified, is my only advice. Rant and rave in private.

Pack his belongings, prepare for the worst, he's been thinking of this for a while to jump on the opportunity so quickly. He will gaslight everyone round him, he will try to ruin your reputation. He will blame you. Keep your cool around the kids especially when they ask you if it's true that you did blah, blah.

He will gaslight everyone round him, he will try to ruin your reputation. He will blame you

How on earth do you know this?! Plenty of people manage to separate amicably and with dignity. Don’t project onto others

Can’t he arrange to see the kids with them, seeing as they are not sure. They have phones?

Sorry to hear you're in this situation OP.

To be blunt whether there is an OW at this point is largely irrelevant wrt your next actions if not your feelings.

The main point is that by telling the children he's made it clear that he's checked out of your marriage.

As to who you tell and what you tell them is obviously up to you, but I'd be comforted by the point that aside from yourself the two most important people (your children) know exactly what the score is.

If in the future he wants to spin this as "she divorced me" - so what?

As others have said I think your first priority is getting a good solicitor.

The one thing you know for certain, is that whatever game he's playing and why he's playing it, he's not on your team anymore.

So get good advice and get the ball rolling legally. He has been several steps in front of you and you need to catch up fast.

Be the one to suggest "terms" to him around finances and access to the children but via your solicitor. Be firm and get what you're entitled to but also be fair and reasonable. Doing this via your solicitor will take the emotion out any communication.

Don't contact him directly any further. Let him feel the loss without giving him ammo from any (understandably emotive) communication.

The least painful way through this is to take control and base decisions on not what he might do/want/think/act but the best place for you arrive at in the future for yourself.

Good luck

Yes I think he was having an affair, I’m so sorry but you’re better off without the shit. Also keep remembering the ‘alien’ version of him and remind yourself daily why you’re better off!

Also get some legal advice ASAP, how old are you children? You mentioned he had a brief chat with them but they’ll no doubt want more answers.

@WizardOfAus

There’s also this checklist from the website.

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2.The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

3.The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

4.Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

5.By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

6.The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7.The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.

8.In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

9.The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.

This is exactly what happened to me, Word for word.

Since my last post we have had a text conversation. He has left me but not the kids blah blah.
We have agreed he will have them overnight on the weekends he is not working away and one teatime after school. He seems happy to sign the house over to me and pay the bills which is over and above what the maintenance calculator shows.
I’m not sure how long this offer will last, as reading others posts they can change their tune.
I have said I will be amicable but told him I know there is someone else.
I have also informed some mutual friends who have been shocked to the core.
I feel it is real now and can move forward x

Good steps. Next step get a solicitor immediately.