17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Solicitor solicitor solicitor.
You've got 2 kids so at a guess your career has already taken a hit for 2-5 years. It sounds likely that they'll be primarily resident with you so your career is going to take a further hit for the next 10-15?
Do you want to see him retiring and realise you have to work for another, say, fifteen years before you retire (on a substantially smaller pension)?
No.
These are the kids of both of you. Your kids are not a hobby of yours!
Solicitor - with all his pension paperwork in hand as well as current savings & assets - pronto.

Yep don't accept this house deal with him until you have seen a solicitor and all assets have been taken into account. As PP's have pointed out you are likely to be entitled to more than 50% but without values for houses/pensions there is no way of knowing if what he has offered is a good deal or not.

I am awaiting a call back from a solicitor. My emotions are like a rollercoaster, I don’t think I’ve felt pain like it - it’s like grief.
I think I’d just feel better if everyone knew but he’s leaving that up to me too. Apparently the story to his Mum is that he’s fallen out of love with me. Typical script?

You will feel like that, I never realised non physical pain could hurt as much as it did.

I'd say yes that's the typical script, there is a mid life crisis/cheaters script on line and my now ex literally worked his way through it line by line. I showed him it and even then he denied any if it.

Unfortunately they live in their own selfish bubble where nothing else matters.

Can't wait for it to burst though!

Do you have a friend you can see to talk things through/get it off your chest in person?

@WTFis2020

I am awaiting a call back from a solicitor. My emotions are like a rollercoaster, I don’t think I’ve felt pain like it - it’s like grief. I think I’d just feel better if everyone knew but he’s leaving that up to me too. Apparently the story to his Mum is that he’s fallen out of love with me. Typical script?

This, or "I love you but I'm not in love with you". When I asked my ex h if he still loved me (before I found out about the affair), his response was "I don't know, but you're my best friend".

Fortunately I have a few best friends and none of them have ever treated me as shit as he did at the end.

It is grief you are feeling op. You are grieving the end of your marriage and the death of the man you thought you knew. He has gone. I can't describe the pain I felt and actually once or twice wished he had died because I felt that would be easier to deal with. I now don't wish that and would never rationally wish the father of my children dead but in the depths of grief, you feel all kinds of things and it's scary but you have to let yourself feel them xx

"Apparently the story to his Mum is that he’s fallen out of love with me. Typical script?"

A variation of it, but not strictly typical. Usually it's "she doesn't understand me" to his new woman, but they're often a bit more honest with their mother.
I believe mine's version was "she's impossible to live with, she's too temperamental" or something.

Wasn't true, of course - as my counsellor said (yes I needed one, primarily for anger management!!) he just didn't love me enough.

Don't do what I did, and keep pushing for reasons - there IS only one real reason, and that's that he found someone new and exciting. Doesn't mean you aren't exciting, just he got bored because he didn't love you enough not to. He's a dick - he'll never tell you the absolute truth but he could hurt you even more by telling you lies to make you stop asking.

Are there any experiences of men running of and having a lifetime of misery? Of running away and later realising what dickheads they have been???
I would never take him back, but pray for a day where he says he threw his family away for nothing.

He has never said so (to me at least) but I genuinely think my ex regrets what he did. He threw away a really good marriage and family for an ego boost that didn't last. He certainly didn't look happy in the two years he was with her after our marriage ended so I guess that grass wasn't much greener.

He never told me he "wasn't happy" and he did a good job of hiding it. He never gave us chance to try and work things out because the truth is there was nothing wrong with our marriage until he had his head turned. I hope she was worth it but I think we both know she wasn't.

Virtual handhold OP. My husband has decided to end our marriage this week. We have a young child too.

Virtual hand hold right back at ya. X

A colleague at work who'd left his wife and children for an OW once admitted to me when pissed on a night out that he regretted it.

In short once the honeymoon period was over and he and the OW settled into normal daily life he realised that his new relationship was no better than his previous marriage.

In that sense he'd gained nothing whilst also being left financially worse off after the divorce (not just short term either as his wife was awarded part of his pension) and living in a home that was smaller and in a less affluent area.

Worst of all in his view he was still (years later) trying to re-build his relationship with his own children whilst having the "emotional and financial drain" (his words not mine) of being a step parent to the OW's children.

I remember listening to him thinking "how predictable".

My guess is that many other people probably feel similar once the new relationship has "matured" but are too ashamed to admit that they hurt a lot of people by being selfish and ultimately ended up in a worse place themselves.

They have to "be happy" because otherwise it was all for nothing.

@WTFis2020, I know of a man who left his wife and 3 young children for a work colleague. She also left her marriage. 5 joint children impacted. The husband told his wife she should be happy for him since it was a love affair! He had zero empathy for her pain.

He married the affair partner and 8 years later are still together but it is far from happy and they have explosive arguments. Blending a family causes issues and what he had with his wife (joint hobby) isn't there with OW so they spent lots of time apart. The affair partner always looks shinier from the outside but they have taken for granted the attributes that caused them to fall for their spouse in the first place. They assume the OW is ex wife + additional benefits. That isn't the case!

Ow's ex husband has happily remarried whereas the ex wife has remained very happily single.

@Techway I think you are exactly right! ‘They assume the OW is ex wife + additional benefits’ I’ve told him I know he is seeing someone and I hope she is everything I’m not.

My advice:
Read ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a life’ by Tracey Schorn (can order from amazon) - it helps put things into perspective. She also has a blog Chumplady.com. I recommend both.

Fellow abandoned wife here (a Lockdown casualty if you like) after 25 years of marriage and with children over 18years. Chances are your husband is either seeing another woman or having an ‘emotional affair’ with one and hoping to take it further.

Don’t tell him what you plan to do. He will lie to you so there’s no point in asking him about other women etc.

Get STD tested (sorry but that’s the reality of affairs)and as others have said, copy all financial records.

If you are finding coping difficult don’t be afraid to see a GP for short term medication but be aware it can make you less sharp than usual.

Go no contact / low contact with him to preserve your sanity (it does help) and try and have all dealings using an email account (I got a new one).

Don’t agree any financial settlement without proper legal advice. Be prepared to see him demonstrate 3 emotions in a cycle Guilt - Rage - Self Pity.

Just remember - if someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Good luck - those of us in similar circumstances have your back.

Oh yes, I had the dignified experience of getting an STD test too. More for my piece of mind and thankfully it was clear.

So sorry you are going through all this, must be such a shock.

It's early days so don't be hard on yourself if you are up and down emotionally.

You seem to be dealing with it amazingly well I am so impressed but make sure you are confusing in your friends and hit just putting a brave face on it all of the time.

I am getting lots of help of friends, thank you ❤️ My group chat is on fire, everyone completely bewildered.
How long before I find out about OW? What our average timescale on this? You guys know everything else 🤣 x

@WTFis2020

Are there any experiences of men running of and having a lifetime of misery? Of running away and later realising what dickheads they have been??? I would never take him back, but pray for a day where he says he threw his family away for nothing.

My mum had an affair and left and she's been miserable as sin ever since. It didn't last with the new man either.

@WTFis2020

Are there any experiences of men running of and having a lifetime of misery? Of running away and later realising what dickheads they have been??? I would never take him back, but pray for a day where he says he threw his family away for nothing.

@WTFis2020 not experiences of men being miserable but lots of experience of the family being miserable My dad had an affair when I was 15. My mum found out when I was almost 16 and it went on in some capacity for a further 2 years. I was their only child at home by then and my dad never disclosed who the woman was, her name or where they met. My mum was financially dependent on my dad as she had spent her years working as and when needed as she raised 5 children and for this reason she felt like she couldn’t leave him as she wasn’t financially secure. And I so wish they had divorced. The affect it had on me living at home with how hurt my mother was and the arguments between them were so bad and they could argue at 3am with me getting up for school the next day. Not mention doing my GCSE’s then A levels. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight. My 4 siblings moved out in their late 20s whereas I moved out the day I went to uni. it’s had long lasting affects on me. I’m 28 now and still say I’ll never trust a man 100% and I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and married for 3! My mum and dad still have ferocious arguments about it now. You always hear of people saying they wish their parents were still together but I think staying together was a lot worse in my case. The way you describe your OH deffo seems like he’s had his head turned, nobody just decides one day to walk out because they have fell out of love with someone. Look after yourself and always talk it out with your kids because even though it’s between you and your husband it affects everyone in the household x

@WTFis2020

I am getting lots of help of friends, thank you ❤️ My group chat is on fire, everyone completely bewildered. How long before I find out about OW? What our average timescale on this? You guys know everything else 🤣 x

It's great that you have a group chat. I never had any of that. No support from a single soul and I was A MESS. Don't be like me - Lean on your friends!

I admit, I took mine back 4 years after we split. We’ve been back together 5 years and the marriage is strong. But it’s come at a price. He constantly showers me with love and reassurance, but on my bad days I feel bitter and resentful at what he put me and the DCs through. And whilst I love him, I’m not in love with him as I was before the affair, because I still find it hard to comprehend that the man I thought I knew was capable of hurting me so much. I’m still on the Prozac I started taking when we split. I took him back because he proved over a period of time that he regretted what he had done and I still loved him and I guess partly because of the DCs. I trust him 100%, but if I’m honest, I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he put us through.

@WTFis2020 I have not read all the thread but saw your question re do they realise. My ex left three months ago for OW. Treated me horrendously for weeks before and manipulated situations so that I asked him to leave as the fool did not even have the balls to do that bit himself. He said part of him still loved me - it was awful. 15 yrs, home and children together.

This week he started reaching out. Whatever was going on for him is either not what he thought it would be or is over.

In the meantime, I healed to the point I no longer respected him. I am in a different place mentally, a place I never thought I would be. It feels good.

I suspect he will seek a reconciliation - he left his home and children and me. He now says he is thinking about us as a family and that he is lonely in his flat. A few weeks ago he was giddy with excitement. I take no joy in this turnaround of events. To be honest I had been deeply unhappy and probably very codependent for years. It was not a healthy or positive relationship but the fallout nearly killed me.

I exhausted the internet looking for stories of them regretting their decisions and there are plenty of them. But take your time and things will start making more sense. You may find, like me, that when and if they come back, you will not want them.

My friend's husband left her in a very similar way two years ago...they'd been together 20 years and we in their early 40s. Their kids were sort of grown up at 18 and 20 and he suddenly left...no warning. Just moved into his office and slept there for a couple of weeks before getting himself a rental.

They were in bad debt (due to his failed business ventures) and had to sell their house. She was absolutely devastated and shocked.

He didn't have another woman...more like a mid-life crisis but he immediately signed up to online dating and within 6 months had moved in with a woman who had two little children. It was like he was trying to go back in time...to when his own family were young.

He bought a house with this woman and 18 months down the line, they broke up and he moved out.

Absolutely bizarre it was.

He's now back in a rental and deeply depressed.

@WTFis2020

We have two properties. The family home and a rental, the plan is for me to keep the family home and him the rental property. How do I do this? Do I need a separation solicitor? Do I just phone the mortgage company? Also, what is the process for removing a name for a joint bank account?

I appreciate I need to act fast whilst he feels this way.

It's not quite as simple as that and there is no rush . You do need to see a solicitor and you need to take THEIR advice (NOT your Hs) about what you are entitled to . You need to know the equity in each if they are on a mortgage . Your assets and his need to be lined up against each other - his pension, your pension , properties , other assets . Your starting point is 50/50. These things do not happen overnight - eg you need to get a current CETV on the pension(s) - some companies take up to 3 months or more to provide these and this was in non Covid times. Any joint savings accounts should be frozen . It is a good idea for each of you to have a separate bank account in the interim with each of you getting equal amounts from the joint . You may wish to speak to the sol about some interim maintenance .

I have woken up this morning feeling all sorts of emotions - 2.30am is now my usual wake up time, I can’t eat, feel sick and wake with a pounding heart.
I am off work for a week as the kids are due to break up from school. Any things to keep me busy? I need to sort a solicitor ASAP, the one I was recommended and called yesterday is off sick.
Thanks for all your comments, they help a lot x