17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@jeaux90

Yes. Get ahead of this.

See a solicitor as soon as you feel up to it.

I also recommend drinking his very best wine that he got for his big birthday a few weeks before that he was saving for a special occasion and giving away his best whisky. I think that upset him the most as I am always the nice guy. Least I could do, I reckon.

@FlatandFabulous totally agree.
Cherchez la femme is a common phrase for good reason.
À friend once insisted that a mutual friend's dh was not having an affair when he left.
À month later it all came out.

In your case OP do as much as you can to sort your finances now. You have about a week where your dh will feel guilty and you may get reasonable agreements in place.
My dm marched my df to the solicitor and got the house signed over to her within a week.
My df bitterly regretted it later.

We know a couple whose husband left one day without any explanation. They have 3 older children. He rented a flat and moved into it. There was no other woman and he was not having a breakdown. He stayed there for around 2-years and would have sunday lunch with them each week. Everyone connected with them knew there was no other woman. He went to work everyday, paid the bills as he used to do and was civil about everything. His wife never told anyone in her family as she was ashamed of the situation. No-one could make any sense of it at all. I know there will be people who say that there had to be someone else but genuinely there wasn't. After a couple of years he said he would move back and that was 7 or 8 years ago and they are still together. I have no idea if they are happy or not. On the surface there is not a lot of affection etc.

Worthwhile pointing out that sometimes 'strange' things happen but I guess in his head they make perfect sense.

Good luck OP

What are arsehole. You seem composed even if you’re not feeling it which will serve you well. It does sound like classic other woman and rewriting history Im afraid your poor kids, he’s obviously not thinking of them at all. Sounds like they know their own minds and I’d be supporting them in whatever they want here.

Sending positive thoughts and best wishes your way
My best advice...
If you feel like crying have a bloody good howl and then get busy
Make sure things are properly in place financially - don't rely on promises from dh - once the ow surfaces that will change - it is amazing how little "the ow" thinks 3 children can live on
Don't get blindsided by requests to "try again" unless you really want to -
He may feel that he has shown his hand too early and want to get back into the house to put things in place for his benefit...

Oh gosh OP my best friend is going through exactly this - her wonderful, loving husband has turned into a cold and hard stranger. She knew he was a bit off but had no idea this would happen and it has totally knocked her for six. And yes there is another woman in her case although she only found that out by accident , he wouldn't have told her. Just keep your dignity, (ie don't plaster it all over social media etc) even if you don't feel like it, you will be pleased that you did.

OP - do not show any signs of pursuit / chase him / ask for explanations. Do not involve others / seek help to pull him back. Let him go. Stay as calm as possible and do not actively contact him. It’s important you teach him repercussions of his actions ASAP. As hard as it is, show you are to detach as much as you can.

At this point he has no idea of real consequences of his actions - think another man living in his house, with his wife and his children - whilst he pays for it all - and potentially ends up on his own. I know you must feel so helpless but you are more powerful than you think right now. Think dignity and self control - these are your allies.

Start the ball rolling. He cannot just ignore you. Do not let him dictate the next step.

You need to inform him you are having the house valued and you need to know the value of his pension pot. He needs the reality of his actions. Even if he decides to come back he has to understand the alternative path he has currently chosen.

If you cannot speak to him then speak to his Mum. Tell her house and pension.

Definitely affair indicators.

Posted too soon, I am sorry this has happened to you. It is totally shit.

Right now you have a short window to get things in order.
Hopefully he will be fair and cooperative but it's better to be safe than sorry and act now to protect yourself and the children's future.
Find and copy all the financial information you can- bank statements, pension information, wage slips, the children's passports and birth certificates - everything you can think of. You might not need it/ but be prepared.
Plus: visit a lawyer to find out where you stand legally.

Being prepared financially and legally will help you cope with whatever comes next.

Yes Shark mode now. Excellent advice.

I'm so sorry OP my husband did exactly the same after 20 years of marriage. Not just me but everybody was stunned. He just left one day and I never saw him again.
It was only after it was all over and I started digging I found out about his dark and secret life. Our perfect life had all been a sham. Id imagined it was perfect. It wasn't.
It him divorce me as the petition cost £1000 and I wasn't paying it. He painted me as an evil witch.
The judge saw right through it and he got next to nothing. He didn't fight it so desperate was he to start his new life.
He regrets it now in his bedsit on benefits due to covid.he didn't see that coming. The OW has dumped him as he has no money.
Make sure you get as much as possible and a clean break consent order.

@Fishfingersandwichplease

Oh gosh OP my best friend is going through exactly this - her wonderful, loving husband has turned into a cold and hard stranger. She knew he was a bit off but had no idea this would happen and it has totally knocked her for six. And yes there is another woman in her case although she only found that out by accident , he wouldn't have told her. Just keep your dignity, (ie don't plaster it all over social media etc) even if you don't feel like it, you will be pleased that you did.

Yes, this. I stayed away from SM and although tempted, didn't contact the OW ( i knew who she was) or beg him to come back. I at least kept most of my dignity.

I am so sorry that you and your kids are going through this. It is so heartbreaking.
Sounds like he is preparing in a month or two to reveal that he met someone supposedly after he left.
Maybe doesn't want to be divorced because of adultery.
Like everyone has said , protecting yourself financially is so important. Glad to see you are also thinking that way.
Get support wherever you can. You dont have to tell or talk to anyone else about it . Let him do it if he wants to.
Even if it turns out not to be OW, the way he is treating you after 17 years is cruel and nasty . He is no longer worthy of you and his family.

@Hailtomyteeth

He has someone else but would rather you looked like the bad guy. He was just waiting for his excuse to go and make it seem your fault. Shark mode now - don't hope for (or allow) him back, get to a solicitor and sort out life for you and your children. I lost at least a year by messing about. Get everything you can, he'll turn nasty, even if he never has been before. You can grieve as you go, this is all terrible and you didn't deserve it. Now, survive. Go for it.

Totally agree with all of this. He's rewriting your relationship history as he's met someone else.

Can I please just say that I love you all ❤️❤️.
I feel like I am grieving, almost as if he has died as the person he was, my best friend for 17 years has disappeared overnight.
The only messages I’m getting are ‘can I pick the kids up from school’ to which I bluntly reply ‘no’.
Do I make arrangements for him seeing the kids or do I leave it up to him to sort a schedule? Would this then look like I had finalised the break? Is that what he is waiting on? This new man that he has become sounds too stupid to think of the practical stuff.

is amazing how little "the ow" thinks 3 children can live on

Sadly this can be true.

Op, I am very sorry this is happening to you and your children. Unfortunately this is common amongst men who are struggling with aging. Rather than process the feelings they seek something new and often someone new to plaster over the emotions. It is utter selfishness.

The new person makes them feel alive and youthful again and they hope to fend off their negative emotions...however they don't want the guilt of leaving especially if they have children so they have to rewrite history and paint the wife as the reason for leaving. If money is important to them they may play hardball with finances as they can't face a drop in lifestyle.

Ime the men who do this are emotionally weak and immature but that only becomes apparent from a distance.

After a few years of OW they find themselves in a similar situation (the drudgery of life is still there and they are still aging) but they no longer see their children as much, they have lost shared friends/family and finances are tougher.

It is such a waste. However you will get though this, it takes time but it will be a roller coaster for quite sometime.

There are many stories on MN similar. I hope others post their threads so you can see how others got through this.

You lost me at “typical perfect family”. This is straight up delusional. I suggest you get yourself to a therapist to discuss your relationship to help you get some much more needed perspective. Sorry he has left, but in every relationship you need to take responsibility for 50% of the good and 50% of the bad. It’s time for a long hard look in the mirror

If he is really unhappy, as with anyone, they are free to leave a relationship.

It is the cruel and unexpected behaviour to you and more importantly, your young children that is horrific. It suggests someone with a me me me agenda, not someone who is truly struggling.

Tell you friends, be honest and let them make if it what they will. They will think he is a bastard btw.

Unfortunately this is common amongst men who are struggling with aging. Rather than process the feelings they seek something new and often someone new to plaster over the emotions. It is utter selfishness
The new person makes them feel alive and youthful again and they hope to fend off their negative emotions...however they don't want the guilt of leaving especially if they have children so they have to rewrite history and paint the wife as the reason for leaving
Very true

The only messages I’m getting are ‘can I pick the kids up from school’ to which I bluntly reply ‘no’

I would respond formally just in case he uses this against you.
Something along the lines of "I support you seeing the children however they have said that they are too upset to meet with you. They need time to adjust to your sudden departure so when they are ready we can look at a suitable schedule"

Have you asked him if there is anyone else?

I have asked and accused about the OW and he denies it and swears on everyone’s lives!
I can feel it in my bones though.
I’m scared of talking of more formal plans around future finance/child care in case he uses that as me being the instigator in the split.
He just continues to hide in his rat hole.