17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Op you are showing huge amounts of strength.
I’d get things moving. See a solicitor or several until you find one you like. They usually charge on a time basis so write down basic info and get info together so you can present it rather than them having to ask you
Claim cms now. They don’t backdate it
Think about how you want your life to look moving forward
Communicate with him only by email so you have written records. With the kids, speak to their schools who might be able to organise counselling. Even if you can’t get that it might help them to speak to a trusted adult so they can express their feelings. The oldest is at the age where their views are taken into account for contact.

Do you want primary care or 50-50. With primary care the non resident parent usually gets one night a week and EOW. I’d email him and make it clear that the decision not to see him so far is not yours. Suggest you both work towards what suits you

Think about finances. Change council tax to single adult.
And plan something nice for the weekend for you and the DC. You’ve been through the wringer. A little treat will do you the world of good

He’s shot himself in the foot telling the kids he’s leaving. He’s automatically made himself enemy number one to them. What a dick! He’s so clueless.
Yes, to seeing a solicitor ASAP, get that ball rolling and get as much evidence as you can for adultery, he’d hate that. I hope mummy finds out, you’d hope she’d be embarrassed by her son’s behaviour.

Don't be afraid of "starting " things- he has left, you need to start protecting yourself and the children.
Get that paperwork together- you don't have to ask his permission or tell him what you are doing. Get legal advice - again you don't need either his permission or to tell him.
If he wants to see the children- don't just say "no" - tell him what they have told you.

But you know you haven't instigated the split. His mum knows and your family will know...you can't control what he tells others. People you jointly know will fall into either camp, it is just the way it happens when a couple separate. Nothing you do or say will change their opinion.

His passive response to this confirms his weakness..he can't even deal with the fall out he has created.

Just don't block his access to the children. If they don't want to meet him make sure he knows it's them, not you.

You don't need to do anything, get support for yourself and the children. Tell their school. Start to locate a good solicitor and gather finance data.

He may want to move to a flat so how will finances work for that?

I would advise the school of the situation. Often kids keep a lid on things at home for the sake of the remaining parent but this can impact on work and behaviour at school.

Firstly I am so sorry this has happened to you .So many men of a certain age become bored with family life/marriage ,and think the grass is "greener " with the OW .Its very rare for them to leave without someone to go to .As others have said get your ducks lined up, and dont let him sweet talk you into anything less than you are entitled .Life for him will be less rosy when he has to find somewhere else to live and pay CM on top!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, stay stong x

What a horrible situation. I cant believe he told you then rushed to tell his kids without any thought and then ran away to his mums. He clearly cares only for himself and his needs. The OW will appear however it wont be before he slates you as the bad guy and rewrites his own history.

I would be telling him to stay away until such a time he wants to discuss this situation in a mature and adult way. Only then will you start engaging in discussions around the DC. He thinks he can throw a bomb out of nowhere into all your lives and then skip back in a couple of days later to take his DC out. Horrible man- he couldnt wait to dump his new onto them before even allowing you time to digest the situation. He needs to know the way he has dealt with this has damaged his relationship with his DC. They have feelings and emotions too

One of the best pieces of advice I got was to, 'play the long game.'

Your hurting and it’s nearly impossible to follow but this:

I have asked and accused about the OW and he denies it and swears on everyone’s lives!
I can feel it in my bones though.
I’m scared of talking of more formal plans around future finance/child care in case he uses that as me being the instigator in the split.
He just continues to hide in his rat hole.

Is a mistake OP - stop asking him anything. Be nonchalant and like it hasn’t impacted you - let him wonder what the hell is going on. This will take months to turn back in your favour but quicker you can start the better!

@Techway

The only messages I’m getting are ‘can I pick the kids up from school’ to which I bluntly reply ‘no’

I would respond formally just in case he uses this against you.
Something along the lines of "I support you seeing the children however they have said that they are too upset to meet with you. They need time to adjust to your sudden departure so when they are ready we can look at a suitable schedule"

Have you asked him if there is anyone else?

This is really good advice - be factual and strip emotion about you and him from texts. Priority is the children's welfare and your (and their) financial security. They always turn nasty eventually, always. You're doing so well and sound really together especially considering what you're going through. Play the long game and get lawyered up.

So sorry op. But I've read plenty of threads on here where the husband is suddenly not happy and re wright's the history of the relationship. I do think you're right in he's seeing someone or he's had his head turned by somone. He sounds like he's checked out though. Yiu deserve better as do the kids.

So glad you have irl support. Do the practical stuff now to keep you going. Sending hugs (apparently this is a terrible thing to do here?!)

@Whocutdownthecherrytree

You lost me at “typical perfect family”. This is straight up delusional. I suggest you get yourself to a therapist to discuss your relationship to help you get some much more needed perspective. Sorry he has left, but in every relationship you need to take responsibility for 50% of the good and 50% of the bad. It’s time for a long hard look in the mirror

Really? You sound just like what the Other Woman would say

You poor thing. No advice, just a supportive ear.

I have asked for his ideas on how/when he will see the children going forward.
I am still awaiting a response. This should be where it starts to get interesting 🤓
My texts are now functional - gone is the ranting.

My husband left after an even longer marriage because he wasn’t happy. There was no other woman. At the time everyone on here insisted there was - and virtually ridiculed me when I said there wasn’t and I trusted that - but it’s been over a year and there’s not someone else. We get on well, we co-parent. He just wasn’t happy in the marriage anymore and as sad as that is, it is a valid reason to leave. You will get through this. DM me if you want any advice!

Well done!! You're doing great! Keep reminding yourself you can't control his actions but you can control your own reactions. Let your kids remember this period as you being their rock and let everyone see how dignified and composed you are.

@Fallowdeerhunter

I agree with you. There isn't always someone another woman. People do leave because they are just unhappy and one day break and up and leave. Some struggle to say why. Not excusing it at all because his behaviour has been dreadful but it doesn't mean anyone else. Assumptions don't really help at all.

I assume Fallow is doing well now and agree message her if you need help.

Take care of yourself @WTFis2020

My separation counsellor said that women leave a marriage for themselves. Men leave for someone else.

That’s a shit thing for a counsellor to say isn’t it. Doesn’t sound very professional. People are individuals.

My ex “D”W left for her OM, so your counsellor is talking nonsense.

I know you said you don't want to do his dirty work for him, but from experience I can tell you that he won't do it either.

Yes he wants you to be the bad guy but you know what? your best bet is actually to beat him to the punch with this and put your story out there first, if you can.

You are the bewildered abandoned wife, who has no fucking clue what is going on and he has just left and turned into this stone cold person you don't know. You don't know why (true enough, despite your suspicions) and you don't know his plans (also true) but you're letting people know in case they try to ask you both along to something or wonder where he is (less likely in covid conditions, but still a decent reason).

TELL people. It will make it real, yes - but it's going to BE real anyway. Keep it as calm as possible, but with bewildered sadness - no ranting, no accusing. no anger (for dignity's sake) - but get in there FIRST.

I'd also say to be careful what you say to your MIL regarding your split/ his behaviour.
Doesn't matter how supportive she may seem, he is still her son .

@FlatandFabulous

I work as a mediator with separated parents, I have been doing it for quite a long time. I have never yet come across any case where a man leaves a long term (10 year plus) relationship where there isn't either another woman or, very occasionally, another man. Men are generally lazy and like the status quo. They won't move out of a home where their needs are generally met unless they have somewhere else to go. Women on the other hand often leave because the relationship has got to the point where they can't bear it any more for many different reasons. Don't let him make you look like the bad guy, cry/rant/swear with your friends and family, look outwardly reasonable and rational because he will try and justify his actions. Get a good lawyer, not the kind who is invested in keeping you in conflict for years - nobody wins - just the kind who will help you get a fair financial settlement for you and your kids. Put the onus back on him , "what do you suggest we do", "what are your proposals", and please remember if you have been home looking after the kids while he has built his career do not accept a 50:50 split of assets, you will more than likely be entitled to more. Good luck.

I too believe that generally, men don’t leave ‘just’ because they’re unhappy. They usually have someone else lined up.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how shocked you must be. It certainly sounds like he’s having an affair. I would definitely seek legal advice to see where you stand.

@WTFis2020, I really, really feel for you. I was you a year ago after 26 years, no kids sadly, and aged 59, with no job. Mine was exactly as described in Runaway Husbands. I found emails indicating that he had gone back to his teenage girlfriend who he last dumped 28 years ago, having already dumped her once before. He denies the affair even when presented with the emails! Totally irrational.

My life is infinitely better now. I’m taking on the house, have got several new, well-paid roles, and decree nisi date. This comes after many months of really hard times, the hardest of my life so far. You need support around you, medical help if things get worse, and therapy/counselling saved my life, literally. And some wonderful online friends via mumsnet.

Best advice I can give has been given already. Look after yourself and the DC. He does not care and will not care. He may ultimately want to be friends. Be alert to the fact that he will want the best financial settlement he can get for himself and anyone else on the scene. The ex painted me to be a horrible person, to justify his actions, and lied not only to me but also to his family and mutual friends. This is a very special kind of marriage breakdown and is traumatic. Everything you feel and describe is completely normal. This is about him and his lack of character, not about you.

Our thread is ‘Some Friendly Words’. It will be back a few pages now as we Warrior Women felt that time had come to let it lapse naturally. Reading back over it may help you to feel less at a loss and alone and there are useful resources there for support.

Good luck, Warrior-Up, and know that you will thrive once you are out of the chaos of the next time.