17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Stay strong op x

You sound great OP WTF and have had some excellent advice here.

I agree with a script being followed because it's odd there was no mention of mh previously and he's still able to work away and carry on as usual. However, when it comes to getting back with you it's mentioned.

When one thing doesn't get the right effect, another side of you is played on.

It clearly suits others for things to get try and get back to what they were but it's disappointing when it wasn't you that did all this and I'd want to know why they aren't considering the effect it's had on you and your children instead who are the victims here. Easy for others to say but when somebody does that and even worse, to children without a backwards glance the trust's gone. It's hard to know how you'd come back from that and if things could be the same again.

Also watch out for the unkempt look too it’s another one from the script.

Your doing so well WTFis2020.
The truth is your husband could have told you he was not happy, you both could have gone to marriage counseling and worked on improving what ever he regarded was wrong in your marriage.

Instead he tell you it over, tells the kids the same and leaves you dealing with 2 upset kids and you wondering where things went wrong?
He then tried to move home because he applied for a £25k loan that he did not want you to find out about.
He tried to get back with you and though flowers and perfume would work.
He is telling people his MH is poor yet he has taken no time off work. None of the concerned family/friends are bringing him to a doctor to get help he so badly needs either.
Along with this he is still living with his mother and I say he is wearing out his welcome their.
I let his friends and family know how he acted, what he said and did to you and the children and tell them it was a pity I found out about the £25k loan he applied for.

The reality is that he fucked up big time and though he get you back after what ever plans he made fell through. After what he did to you and especially your kid's why does he think you welcome him back?
My advice is that you start to move on getting a divorce as you and your children deserve more than this man child.

As for your mother taking his side in all of this and encouraging you to go back with him because it was just a little blip. Well I would remember that in the future when she asks you to help her out or expects you to mind her if she needs care at a later date.

One thing I'll say is that broadcasting the details to all your friends and family is something you may well regret later on.

You don't have to defend your decision to anyone. He knows what he did and you know.

The people you are closest to...your immediate family are a good support (usually), so letting them know is fine, but you don't want your marriage become a topic of discussion among your friends, which is highly likely if you start telling them all what happened.

@WTFis2020

Wow guys, who knew my car crash of a life would cause such a debate 🙈.

Family and friends are saying ‘he’s not been himself for a while now’ , ‘last time I seen him he was really quiet’ , ‘there’s definitely something wrong with him’ etc.

Well, yes! There’s definitely something wrong. My response is that ‘he obviously wasn’t happy at home then’ or ‘probs because his head has been turned’

Remaining strong for my children. He said he didn’t love me, well guess what, I don’t think I love him now either. Mental health or no mental health.

After I discovered my ex husband's affair and he left, his sister apparently said to someone what he hadn't seemed happy last time she saw him. Of course, this strengthened his "I haven't been happy for a while" claim, but the reason he wasn't happy is because he was having an affair and then coming home to his wife and kids and feeling guilty I imagine!

It made me so upset as I know that prior to having his head turned by a care-free woman 12 years our junior, he was perfectly happy.

What has your solicitor said to you OP?

@Sunshineandflipflops It made me so upset as I know that prior to having his head turned by a care-free woman 12 years our junior, he was perfectly happy.

Nodding at this. This is what caused me a lot of emotional pain and confusion - and, in fact, still does. The thing is, my ex acknowledges she had her head turned - but insists she must have been unhappy and the marriage unsuitable for this to have occurred, even if she wasn't aware of this beforehand. She couldn't give me - or our marriage counsellor - any reason why she was unhappy before, where I had been letting her down, where she had been feeling neglected by the marriage. She still can't.

But since we are told affairs don't happen in happy marriages, our marriage couldn't have been happy since she'd had her head turned. And "not being happy is reason enough".

[quote TossaCointoyerWitcher]**@Sunshineandflipflops* It made me so upset as I know that prior to having his head turned by a care-free woman 12 years our junior, he was perfectly happy.*

Nodding at this. This is what caused me a lot of emotional pain and confusion - and, in fact, still does. The thing is, my ex acknowledges she had her head turned - but insists she must have been unhappy and the marriage unsuitable for this to have occurred, even if she wasn't aware of this beforehand. She couldn't give me - or our marriage counsellor - any reason why she was unhappy before, where I had been letting her down, where she had been feeling neglected by the marriage. She still can't.

But since we are told affairs don't happen in happy marriages, our marriage couldn't have been happy since she'd had her head turned. And "not being happy is reason enough".[/quote]
@TossaCointoyerWitcher

I don't necessarily believe that all affairs are caused by an unhappy marriage. Some, yes, of course.

My ex has issues stemming from childhood and feeling unwanted/abandoned and as an adult has always needed to feel part of something and to have attention and be liked. He's the type to never say no to an invitation because he doesn't want to miss out and he likes to think he's important to people (even if 100 other people were invited he feels if he has been asked then he absolutely MUST go as he is clearly important to that person).

I think our marriage was fine. It wasn't always fireworks and excitement but we had 2 young kids and been childhood sweethearts so that is unrealistic (to most people), No-one saw it coming, we were the couple that would always be together, etc. He still did lovely things like surprise me with little trips away for our anniversary up until a year or so before I found out about his affair.

He might have been going through a phase of being bored or wanting a bit of excitement, as most people do at some point in a long relationship/marriage but he was never unhappy. You can't hide it as well as he must have done if he was.

The OW was there at the right (or wrong) time I think and he chose not to say no. I don't believe he thought through the consequences at the time.

But then if our marriage was that easy to risk, I'd rather he went.

He's the type to never say no to an invitation because he doesn't want to miss out and he likes to think he's important to people

FOMO is very different to having an affair IMO though. That's like saying they were scared to say no to a flirtation or invitation to cheat, because they didn't want to upset the other person. It's deep rooted insecurity.

I know there are some people who like feeling important over the most trivial things.

My friends DH is like this...he seems to feel important when he's sent friend request on FB...and he pesters her about whether she sent a friend request or whether the other person in her friends list did. As though he is thought so highly of when he gets a friend request. He's insecure IMO.

Some people always want to be part of the fun, excitement and all things good...but an affair...because your head was turned while married is on another level.

@SandyY2K, yes, i didn't mean that he had the affair because he didn't like to say no, more that it was an ego thing for him. What 40 year old dad of two wouldn't be flattered by the attention of a 27/28 year old woman who had no children and therefore the lifestyle to go with that?

I don't think he was unhappy as such but just maybe bored and feeling like he was missing out enough at that time to go with it.

It certainly wasn't because they were soulmates. they limped on for 2 years after I found out but from what I can gather most of that was due to the damage they had caused in the process. They finally realised they had nothing in common (apart from liking to go out but I think our children cramped her style a bit there in the end), he had had a vasectomy as he didn't want any more children and she probably did at some point and he friends didn't like her much as she was at least 15 years younger than most of them and wasn't actually very friendly.

Still, I hope those 2 years were worth it...

"spare me the details. I haven't the time nor the emotional space to think of him because I'm doing all I can to hold things together for our DC, remember them? Where is your concern for the most vulnerable here? Where is your concern for the DC who's world he changed without a backward glance? Spare me the details of his 'suffering', especially since it's he who has caused it."

Sorry - rant there. It's what I would want to say to those who are seemingly sucked in. I'm so unimpressed that the poor little man gets all the support here from these people yet you, who has kept it together for your DC is meant to just put up with it. Fuck that WTF.

You are awesome

HE'S MADE HIS BED, NOW HE MUST LIE IN IT !

Ah, the old ones are the best.

@Sunshineandflipflops

Still, I hope those 2 years were worth it.

Indeed. There's a total failure to think of the consequences.

@SandyY2K.

Yes always makes me think of the song Consequences, by Robert Cray.

Thanks for all your replies guys. Nothing much has changed, still texts saying he misses us, is sorry. No explanation other than ‘he was a dick’

A good friend of mine has some links to some really good marital councillors and has suggested that for me to be able to move forward in any direction, talking is required.

I have forwarded the counselling contacts to him. He said he would arrange - I see this as a good test as to what his next actions will be.

Other than that, I am concentrating massively on Christmas - presents and decorations 😊

Thanks again for all of your support.

I think counselling is the way forward, whatever direction that should end up being.

Beware of counselling with a controlling man. Personally I think it's way too early. You asked for ONE thing. You asked for some space and time and he can't even do that for you because it's all about him, him, him. It always has been and it always will be.

But it's a fantastic idea to go to counselling on your own. To talk everything through with someone who has no agenda other than helping you. Do this for a couple of months while he backs off and then see how you feel. If he cares for you at all and is sorry in any kind of way, he will be completely in agreement with this.

It looks like many of us will be having a low key Christmas this year anyway. It will be different for everyone so there is no need to rush to try and make it 'normal' for the children. Let them have the morning with you and the afternoon with him. Get through the day and then it will be over and the pressure will be off.

The best of the fun is in preparing for Christmas anyway. Decorating, baking, music, movies and games with you will all be what the children remember.

He’s not a classic abuser, there is no need to caution on counselling in the same way you would a coercive controller

He’s trying to manipulate @WTFis2020 to suit his purpose and save his face, not because he has some compulsive controlling issue.

The silent treatment wasn’t good, but that was him working up to doing what he had to do

I do absolutely agree with @MrsBrunch though that it’s too early in this process because he hasn’t taken Any responsibility for what he’s done, he’s not saying anything about what caused it all

The ‘being a dick’ is extremely suggestive of a head being turned

Personally I’d be VERY wary of going to counselling with him. I suspect his agenda is to get the counsellor to tell you why you are to blame for him not being happy and having to leave his marriage. And that you are nasty meanie for not letting him treat you and the kids like this.

You know how Charming and manipulative he is.

Maybe you could suggest he goes for some sessions on his own to help him work out what his issues are and how he’s going to fix them and write you a letter or an email to explain. Then you can considered carefully what he’s written and decide if you want to enter into joint counselling with him.

It NEEDS to be in writing . Do NOT agree to go to any session or meet up with him to hear any of this.

I reckon that he won’t do that. He won’t be willing to do any emotional work and put in writing where he’s gone wrong and what he will do differently in future.

Or you will get a letter that’s all about

“My counsellor has told me that I’ve done nothing wrong except being a silly billy but we have serious problems mostly caused by you and we need to work on them by my coming home and you resuming all domestic servicing work “

At least that way you will have in writing what his agenda is. And you will know not to waste your time going to counselling with him because nothing has changed.

And you will have the written confirmation of why you want to divorce him.

Of course if I’m wrong and he is willing to do the work and change, there’s nothing to stop you and he going for counselling together while you continue to live apart. If that’s what you want.

Many men think that going for counselling is some sort of penance that they do for a few weeks instead of facing any logical consequences of their behaviour. A kind of get out of jail free card.

Long time lurker on this thread. I would suggest, OP, going to counselling for yourself to work out what YOU want. Much more useful to you at this point.
Are you going to make a new thread? This one's about to go pop...

Best of luck, you seem really strong.

I would suggest that any joint counselling is put on hold over individual counselling.

OP should have some to help her retain boundaries (you are doing good) and to investigate if there were signs that were missed, and maybe look into why they may have passed her over. In addition help to support her moving forwards

He needs counselling that addresses why he felt he was entitled to behave the way he did - and understand the full impact on what he did.

Marriage counselling usually starts from a point of trying to negotiate an impasse and assumes a 50-50 responsibility of behaviour/blame for the situation, plus an equal commitment to being honest and open and working together to resolve the problem with a third party. When one member is basically trying to bully another into doing what they want, and will try to manipulate the counseller, that is not helpful at all. An abusive or domineering man (usually) will often use the counselling as a further opportunity to abuse. Which is why it is never recommended.

Thanks guys.

I agree we should close this thread now.

I’ll update on a new one at some point.

Thanks for all your help 🤗 xx