17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

He works away ? You may find your answer there.

Wow, that was fast!

Don't feel that you need to agree to any of this until you are ready. People split up at different speeds, so don't let his, 'announcement,' dictate your reaction at which you need to respond.

Yes of course he should be able to see the children, but maybe it's too soon for them, and maybe they need a bit of time to get used to the fact that he's gone?

As long as you are happy with the arrangements, then fine, but if you would like some time and space to gather your thoughts, then that's fine too.

You need good legal advice and evidence. You need to decide if you will buy him out or sell. I would pack up the rest of his stuff and tell him to collect it and you want resolution fast. He may decide he would like to come back if the reality then hits him and/or the OW doesn't want him. Whatever happens he is not your friend.

Don't agree to him having the DC every weekend. You will end up doing all the hard work related to school, homework etc and never having the opportunity to have a fun weekend with your children.
Agree to every other weekend and one night every week. Half of all school holidays is usual.

You sound incredibly strong OP and full of dignity. What a bastard, go for the jugular!

its a good offer but no prob wont last a solicitor will adivse him nt to sign the house over for starters

I think telling him you know about an OW may cause her to appear sooner.

On the face of it the offer seems generous but are there pensions to consider?

On the weekends he is not working away.

Make absolutely sure you get some complete weekends with your dc.
Utter regret of my divorce was in a numb, fog, something, agreeing to every weekend for him. Awful, just awful. I got all the packing bags, unpacking bags, school uniform washing, endless homework, barely saw dd out of uniform, meetings, pick ups, drop offs etc etc and just no time for fun. For years on end. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
Don't be me. Don't make my mistake. Ring fence free time with your dc.
Insist he provides toothbrush etc, nightwear and daywear at his house. DO NOT become a laundry service.
Get his offer in writing. You are so right. This guilt ridden offer will not last.

@WTFis2020

Since my last post we have had a text conversation. He has left me but not the kids blah blah. We have agreed he will have them overnight on the weekends he is not working away and one teatime after school. He seems happy to sign the house over to me and pay the bills which is over and above what the maintenance calculator shows. I’m not sure how long this offer will last, as reading others posts they can change their tune. I have said I will be amicable but told him I know there is someone else. I have also informed some mutual friends who have been shocked to the core. I feel it is real now and can move forward x

Don't take house equity instead of pension ! Get a solicitor for advice.

Yes see a solicitor. He won't stick to paying the bills in all likelihood.

Definitely an affair. He’s currently in the ‘get family and friends onside’ mode. He will feed them the line of being unhappy and you’ve driven him away. He will play the wounded animal for what he sees as a decent amount of time (usually about three months), and will then wheel out his new love interest, who’s just fallen into his lap. But of course the new love has been in the wings for months. But he has to keep her hidden to allow him to keep up his facade. Be strong OP - don’t under estimate what he will be capable of. Make sure you block the joint account or at least secure your half of the money. Get legal advice quickly. You need to get one step ahead of him as he will have been planning this for a while.

I agree with everyone saying you must see a solicitor ASAP.

In my experience, you have about 6 weeks of them feeling somewhat contrite over what they've done, and they'll offer all sorts at this stage to get out "clean" without a raging battle - but then it wears off and they start to think "hang on, why SHOULD I give her XYZ, that's not reasonable!" Especially if there is someone else (like there usually is, the times there aren't are many many fewer!) because they're quite often in his ear saying "but why would you give her all of that? that's too much..."

Mine walked out on my a few months before our wedding. Claiming there was "no offer of a relationship" -ahahah, yet he moved straight in with her.
I told him HE had to tell his friends that the wedding was off, and why - do you think he bothered to? Did he fuck.

So after about 6 weeks of him being gone, I had to field an extremely awkward call from one of his best friends, wondering what had happened to his wedding invitation?

Do NOT rely on him telling anyone - he won't unless it suits him to, which it won't in most cases. I'm glad you've told some friends - tell more, tell family.

My mum gave me one sound piece of advice - never expect the best from him. Expect the worst - absolutely do this - and you can then never be shocked or disappointed, but you could be pleasantly surprised. Otherwise you'll live in a state of permanent shock and upset every time he goes another rung lower on the decency scale (and again, MOST of them do - the odd exception is not the bar to set for yourself or him)

Do not take this offer without seeing a solicitor. Sign nothing, agree to nothing - get legal advice and get it tied up tightly. ESPECIALLY if he suggests that you can manage it all without involving a solicitor - that means he's probably pulling a fast one and he knows it.

I'm still very sorry that you're in this situation - but many many of us have been here before and have the battle scars to prove it. Good luck and yes, rant /vent away on here whenever you need to!

Christ this takes me back 6 years.

Disengage. Only text about practicalities.

It gets so much better, hang in there

OP one thing I’ve gathered from everything I’ve seen,read, heard is that when someone says “I swear on my .....’s life” They are lying.

It put’s you on the back foot, how could you possibly disbelieve them?

They assume that you know you love that /those person/s totally and they believe that you couldn’t believe that you would disrespect them.

We have two properties. The family home and a rental, the plan is for me to keep the family home and him the rental property. How do I do this? Do I need a separation solicitor? Do I just phone the mortgage company? Also, what is the process for removing a name for a joint bank account?

I appreciate I need to act fast whilst he feels this way.

Don’t forget pensions. If you are the lower earner his is probably higher. It’s not just his, you are entitled to a share and he in yours. Pensions can be a really significant asset.
Banks would have their own processes for both the mortgage and the joint account. Give them a call.

Wives are always the last to know husbands are unhappy which of course is a total shock to the wife.. my dad did it to my mom and he was cheating. Sorry OP.

I can guarantee that he’s only paying the bills because a) to look good and b) out of guilt.
I smell a dirty great big rat. Get him to sign the house over ASAP, whilst he’s in this generous mood.
WRT the properties, see how much equity is in both, just to be sure he’s not diddling you out of money. Call the banks or get statements for both.

You will need a separation order which any family solicitor can do.

Bank accounts and mortgages that are in both names - he has to take his name off the joint accounts, but doesn't stop you from getting your salary paid into a sole account. Maybe a Monzo account if you don't already have one?

As other have said, you need a solicitor - please get recommendations from friends, colleagues as having a good solicitor makes all the difference.

So sorry you are going through this.

I had the same back in 2018 and posted on here, he announced it out of the blue after I noticed a change in his behaviour, suddenly he wouldn't leave his phone anywhere. He convinced me and his family he was mentally unwell/not in a good place//needed space to sort himself out. Turned out he'd been having an affair with a colleague for months. He denied and denied she was anything more than a mate, as did she to her partner. I made myself ill getting the proof of what was really going on and exposed them both for the cheats they were. He was fine with me until I did that and then once he was outed for the liar and cheat that he was suddenly I was the mad, psycho and it was all my fault he'd had an affair. He has treated me like dirt after 25 years together so I agree that you need to be prepared for this, I barely recognise the man I would have trusted 100% and thought I'd grow old with. It's awful.
2 years of hell later we're now divorced and he's living with her. I couldn't hate either of them more than I do, and our dealings with each other are awful. My DS has had a rough time too as it turns out he met up with the OW a few times with DS there behind my back so dragged him into his mess but again no conscience about how wrong that was.
It's taken me a long time to get over it but I believed his lies for too long and fought for a marriage while he just led a double life. He saw what it was doing to me but didn't care.
My only regret is not getting rid of him earlier, i would have saved myself a lot of heartache and would probably have recovered much quicker.
Lean on people on here, friends in real life and be kind to yourself. 💐

I can't believe how many people this has happened to. And the almost identical path it takes.

Yes. Mine made me a generous offer at the start during his very short lived guilt and I'm kicking myself I didn't get it signed and sealed legally. Rather I instructed a solicitor that dragged it on enough for him to change his mind. I spent around £20k and 3 years, 2 solicitors (my second one would have sorted it out sooner).

But I was in no frame of mind to go "shark mode". You'll be in shock because of how abrupt it all is (I was a mess!) but you sound like you have your head screwed on which is good.

This shark mode if you can. If anything it will propel you through this hideous first bit by focusing on the functional and getting your ducks in a row. You will grieve, it will be a process you'll have to go through. It's just so shit that they have been plotting this all secretly then ambush you with it with no notice, leaving you weak.

It's incredible how quickly they'll go from guilt to fight though so do be prepared. Xx

Gosh @VivaVegas you wrote my story too. They are such cowards.

Go to a solicitor ASAP and deal with things properly. If you have savings accounts, then I would take half and put them into your own name to keep those funds safe. Do not tell him that you are doing this beforehand. I would get your solicitor to write and ask him to confirm in writing his offer to you and point out where it is lacking, ie pension etc. He works away so will be unable to have the kids 50/50 and do you should automatically be entitled to more than him in respect of the house. Please don’t just accept his offer.

Yes you are at the start of a long road. Don't let your guard down and don't play fair about anything. The more fair you are the more he will play you for a fool.

yes 50-50 split is only applicable when he is having kids 50% and your career hasnt taken a hit through childraising, so it very often doesnt apply.
and 50-50 means of everything too, so pensions are often overlooked and can have a massive impact in later life when child maintanance payments have long since passed, and you are feeling the effects of those child rearing days in your own pension contributions