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Silent treatment

(171 Posts)
Sixeight Fri 09-Oct-20 22:34:30

So, dh hasn’t spoken more than the bare minimum to me for 2 days now. It is because we’ve not dtd more than once in the last 4 weeks. Yesterday he was so cross about it that he broke a drawer of mine (I have no idea how, as I was avoiding him at the time. But the front panel was literally ripped from its fixings) To give him credit, he did mend it, but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Since dc were born, I’ve had v.low libido and to keep the peace, I agreed on dtd 3x per week. The last few months or so, though, I’ve just not been able to do this and dh is getting v.pissed off. When I say no, he turns onto his back and wanks next to me in bed.

I know Iabu in withholding sex. That’s not how marriages should be, I know.

But there are many reasons for this, which are too involved to go into now. I really need to get some counselling to come to terms with dealing with it. (All of his sexual behaviourL I.e dry humping, lying on me in the middle of the night and thrusting a hard on, grabbing hold when i”m bent over the dishwasher etc ..) All this I perceived as negative but it was ‘just a phase’. But, cumulatively its now really affecting me)

I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help. I contacted relate, but they have no appointments available during school hours. Out of school hours, I’d have to ask dh to babysit which would inevitably cause problems as he really can’t cope with his asc son, and so dd (only 13)would have to step in to take the fallout (dh getting cross, not physical).. plus, he’d want to know where I’d been.

Anyway, after all that waffle. I’ve not wanted to dtd for well over 4 weeks. Dh has given me the silent treatment for the last 48 hours as a result. I’m about to go and have a bath, then lay back and think of England just to keep the peace.

Aibu?

OP’s posts: |
Fortunategirl Fri 09-Oct-20 22:40:37

Blimey. Don’t DTD with an abusive man! You’re making a rod for your own back! It will just mean he’ll keep doing it. You’re not just a fuck wagon. Do you really want to live like this the rest of your life? You don’t have to have sex. This isn’t the Middle Ages. You have rights over your own vagina. He doesn’t own you. Imagine living without him and having peace of mind

thesix Fri 09-Oct-20 22:42:38

Oh my goodness.... this is terrible! No no no you can't be treated like that!! You're not an object! And the silent treatment is abusive. When he calms down you need to have a serious talk or perhaps with a mediator such as relate counsellor?
I hope you're okay - his behaviour is NOT okay.

PatchworkElmer Fri 09-Oct-20 22:46:21

His behaviour is abusive, OP.

babycakes1010 Fri 09-Oct-20 22:47:08

He's a disgusting piece of shit...don't do it! Let the fucker sulk!!!

Northernsoullover Fri 09-Oct-20 22:48:46

Have you low libido or are you know longer attracted to him? I'd find it difficult to be attracted to someone so horrible..

Sixeight Fri 09-Oct-20 22:49:44

@fortunatgirl, I’ve also made a rod for my own back being sahm for well over a decade. I’ve built my own self employed income that works around school hours, term time only, but that doesn’t even earn me enough to pay tax. I have a degree, a masters degree and a postgrad qualification but havent been in any sort of employment for over 14 years. I’ve applied for ‘proper’ jobs, I.e school receptionist and haven’t even been asked for interview, I guess because I’m over qualified and very very out of date.

How could I afford to live without dh? And that’s a serious question...

OP’s posts: |
PositiveLife Fri 09-Oct-20 22:52:34

You would get benefits and potentially child maintenance (depending on contact arrangements).

Why not have a free half hour with a solicitor to get an idea of where you would stand if you left?

He sounds like a complete shit

Sixeight Fri 09-Oct-20 22:52:37

How do I explain to him that ignoring me for 48 hours, then staying awake till I come to bed tomight (as tonight is one of the 3 dtd days’ isn’t ok?

OP’s posts: |
Sixeight Fri 09-Oct-20 22:56:40

He isn’t a total shit, he is actually a really nice guy to most people. He’s realised he is likely to be autistic, as he shares so many traits with out son. But the flip side of that is that I can’t leave them together.

If I left, I’d be resigning my autistic son to weekends hiding under his weighted blanket as he can’t cope, and my dd to weekends trying to smooth over all the cracks appearing between dh and ds.

That’s not fair on the kids.

OP’s posts: |
EssenceAbsolue Fri 09-Oct-20 23:01:12

Please don't let him! He is abusive, you have the right to change your mind or withdraw consent.

Nogoodusername Fri 09-Oct-20 23:01:15

Oh my god, that’s horrific. You shouldn’t have to agree a ‘sex schedule’. That’s not normal sex in a loving marriage, that’s coercion. Nothing would put me off faster than feeling I had to submit to a schedule

usernamewastaken Fri 09-Oct-20 23:01:30

What a twat. You are not his mood charging station that he gets to plug into to so he feels better. I'd be enjoying the silence, at least you don't have to communicate with him.

Sixeight Fri 09-Oct-20 23:11:00

I am hoping I misheard him a couple of weeks ago, when I was just at the end of my period and doing a hand job, after a week and a bit (I’m prob menopausal) of bleeding.

I’m pretty sure I heard him say ‘can I use you next time?’

But I might have misheard. It took me a while to actually take in what I thought I’d heard.

Argh. Night night, and thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Sixeight Fri 09-Oct-20 23:14:43

FWIW, i did agree to the 3x per week schedule, in order to keep the peace. It’s only been since just prior to lockdown (I,e, feb this year) that I’ve been struggling with the practicalities of it, so to speak.

OP’s posts: |
Gilda152 Fri 09-Oct-20 23:15:56

You know very well you're not being unreasonable. But it's no good MN agreeing with you, you need to decide if you can really live like this going forward

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 09-Oct-20 23:16:33

Your marriage is over. I’d rather be poor than live with someone so revolting. You’re used to it but it’s not at all normal or acceptable.

violetbunny Fri 09-Oct-20 23:22:42

OP, you aren't "withholding sex" - it's not something he has a right to whatsoever, and you're perfectly within reason not to want to. You don't even need a reason not to want to, "I don't feel like it" is perfectly OK.

He is unreasonable to be pressuring you for sex, the turning over and wanking when you say no is horrific behaviour designed to manipulate you into feeling guilty. You are a person with feelings, not a sex robot FGS. I don't blame you for not wanting sex with this horrible manipulative man, any amount of pressure is NOT ok and would put anyone off. In your shoes I would seriously be questioning this relationship.

Mischance Fri 09-Oct-20 23:23:17

You are an intelligent and educated woman. What makes you think that there is anything at all about his behaviour sexually towards you that is either normal or acceptable?

None of it is....his approach to sex is to satisfy his needs regardless of your needs or wishes. That is simply not normal. It is not what marriage is about at all.

Timetabling sex in this way is grim. You must not just lie back and give n to his wants. That is simply not what it is about.

RandomMess Fri 09-Oct-20 23:27:00

Please please leave you and the DC will be happier. They may not even want to spend EOW with him.

You will be entitled to benefits due to your low wage and child maintenance from him.

Please speak to Women's Aid. Email them to arrange a time to speak.

sad

category12 Fri 09-Oct-20 23:34:04

This is an abusive relationship. You're suffering sexual coercion and emotional abuse.

Speak to Women's Aid. Try the Rights of Women for legal advice.

If you split up, you would be entitled to a share of the marital assets, child support and you could be eligible for various benefits as a sole parent.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl Fri 09-Oct-20 23:41:15

@Sixeight I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help.

You mean they told you that they couldn't help because you had good reasons to be anxious. And you just brushed that under the carpet. As almost an afterthought. You do realise they are telling you that you are in an abusive relationship and they are not willing to facilitate it? ?

username501 Fri 09-Oct-20 23:50:59

OP is there anywhere else you can sleep in the house like a spare room or sofa bed? He doesn't sound safe.

He is sexually abusive and as others have pointed out, emotionally abusive. Coerced sex is rape. Him masturbating beside you in bed is to punish you for turning him down. He's using you for sex and his behaviour is repulsive.

You can contact FLOWS or Rights of Women for free legal advice. Take a look at the Money Advice Service or call Gingerbread for advice on benefits.

I also suggest you contact your local DV service, the details of which will be on your local council website or do a search to find out what's available in your area.

There is a free and anonymous chatline you can use between 3-6pm here if you need clarification that this is abuse.

OP the three times a week sex agreement has to stop now. You've been dehumanised long enough. Don't do anything else to keep the peace. If he wants to sulk, let him get on with it. If his behaviour escalates, contact the National Helpline: 0808 2000 247

dotty12345 Sat 10-Oct-20 00:07:14

OP I put up with this for 20 years, I left with nothing, he managed to get me to sign documents that gave him complete ownership to the house I bought alone. I managed to scrape a deposit for a rental house together by borrowing from family and friends and moving to a different town. Got a part time job and UC top up, finances are bloody hard but I've done it for a year now. Am I happy, not always, am I relieved, I thank my lucky stars everyday I don't have to put up with the shit and emotional abuse. It will only get worse I promise you, get out now.

Dery Sat 10-Oct-20 00:24:09

@dotty12345 - what were the circumstances in which you signed those documents? And when? If it was quite recently, you may be able to get the transaction undone on the basis of duress. Also what consideration did he give you for the house? Or was the document in the form of a deed? You may be able to get the transaction undone.

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