Silent treatment

[Sixeight]

So, dh hasn’t spoken more than the bare minimum to me for 2 days now. It is because we’ve not dtd more than once in the last 4 weeks. Yesterday he was so cross about it that he broke a drawer of mine (I have no idea how, as I was avoiding him at the time. But the front panel was literally ripped from its fixings) To give him credit, he did mend it, but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Since dc were born, I’ve had v.low libido and to keep the peace, I agreed on dtd 3x per week. The last few months or so, though, I’ve just not been able to do this and dh is getting v.pissed off. When I say no, he turns onto his back and wanks next to me in bed.

I know Iabu in withholding sex. That’s not how marriages should be, I know.

But there are many reasons for this, which are too involved to go into now. I really need to get some counselling to come to terms with dealing with it. (All of his sexual behaviourL I.e dry humping, lying on me in the middle of the night and thrusting a hard on, grabbing hold when i”m bent over the dishwasher etc ..) All this I perceived as negative but it was ‘just a phase’. But, cumulatively its now really affecting me)

I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help. I contacted relate, but they have no appointments available during school hours. Out of school hours, I’d have to ask dh to babysit which would inevitably cause problems as he really can’t cope with his asc son, and so dd (only 13)would have to step in to take the fallout (dh getting cross, not physical).. plus, he’d want to know where I’d been.

Anyway, after all that waffle. I’ve not wanted to dtd for well over 4 weeks. Dh has given me the silent treatment for the last 48 hours as a result. I’m about to go and have a bath, then lay back and think of England just to keep the peace.

Aibu?

[category12]

But there's nothing wrong with you.

Not a woman in the world would want to have sex with a guy who turned it into a thrice-weekly chore, who had been subjected to sexual bullying, coercion, groping and the rest of what you have described. Of course your libido has never returned, he's made sex into a grim duty.

[Sixeight]

@category12

But there's nothing wrong with you.

Not a woman in the world would want to have sex with a guy who turned it into a thrice-weekly chore, who had been subjected to sexual bullying, coercion, groping and the rest of what you have described. Of course your libido has never returned, he's made sex into a grim duty.

@category12 Ok, so you’re probably right on this one. I wish I’d had the insight to realise this and call him out on it while it was happening. So many years of it :(

If I didn’t realise it was wrong/not a healthy way to conduct a relationship, for such a long time, I don’t see why everyone is saying he should have known. I didn’t, why should he?

[graceeellixo]

You know when someone wants sex and when they don’t. Regardless of what’s going on in your mind.

[Sixeight]

@graceeellixo

So having Aspergers and being poor at reading body language gives you an automatic pass to coercing someone to sex? Absolutely NOT.

OP he sounds a fucking weirdo, a complete bully and he would be out of my house before he could even start tossing himself off in bed.

No, aspergers/not being able to read body language is not an automatic pass. But, maybe, once I realised how similar to my son he was, I should have actually said ‘no’?

Although literally as I type, I realise that I did say no, and this thread shows what happened. Hmm.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Why does it matter if he knows what he’s doing or not? It doesn’t make it any less damaging or abusive. His behaviour is appalling, beyond the pale, and a million miles away from a healthy normal relationship. That should be enough. His intentions are irrelevant.

[Alicenwonderland]

Goodness OP, you sound just like I did and your DH sounds just like mine! I too have a son with ASD and I thought my partner did too. I made so many excuses for him over the years, I blamed his bad childhood and ASD. After 8 years I finally got the courage to leave him. Of course, he was dreadfully abusive and I just didn't see it. We become so accustomed to it that it becomes normal. I used to say to my sister that my ex didn't know what he was doing and if he did he'd be a monster. He is a monster! I'm being dragged through court over child custody for the second time in two years. He's constantly nasty to me and the kids, it's awful! After we split I watched him turn on and off the charm when others were around (I thought he couldn't help it!). I found out he'd spent our whole relationship turning family and friends against me (he'd made me out to be the abusive one!). I'm really sorry but even if he did have ASD there is no excuse for his behaviour. Please stick with women's aid. I know it's hard to hear all these things and your natural reaction is to try and protect him. It too my IDVA (independence domestic violence advisor) about 6 months to help me except that I'd been abused.

[BlueThistles]

this is bad

[Sixeight]

@Alicenwonderland

Goodness OP, you sound just like I did and your DH sounds just like mine! I too have a son with ASD and I thought my partner did too. I made so many excuses for him over the years, I blamed his bad childhood and ASD. After 8 years I finally got the courage to leave him. Of course, he was dreadfully abusive and I just didn't see it. We become so accustomed to it that it becomes normal. I used to say to my sister that my ex didn't know what he was doing and if he did he'd be a monster. He is a monster! I'm being dragged through court over child custody for the second time in two years. He's constantly nasty to me and the kids, it's awful! After we split I watched him turn on and off the charm when others were around (I thought he couldn't help it!). I found out he'd spent our whole relationship turning family and friends against me (he'd made me out to be the abusive one!). I'm really sorry but even if he did have ASD there is no excuse for his behaviour. Please stick with women's aid. I know it's hard to hear all these things and your natural reaction is to try and protect him. It too my IDVA (independence domestic violence advisor) about 6 months to help me except that I'd been abused.

@Alicenwonderland thank you for your reply.

I hate to say it, but it is your outcome I dread. At the moment, I'm always around. Were we to separate, DS wouldn't have an advocate (unless his 13 yo sister stood up for him, which isn't fair on her)

I recently had a one off work zoom call from 4-6pm. During that call, I got an imessage from DD saying that DS was refusing to get in the bath- DH had threatened, then followed through and removed all of DS's screen time for the next day, but he still wasn't going (read up on demand avoidance if you think he was just being naughty). I had to leave the call, get DS in the bath, reassure DD that all would be ok, and get back to the meeting. This wasn't an isolated incident - I take DS to weekend rehearsals that I have, and I don't do hobbies that start before his bedtime.

I get that I have been abused. I'm still struggling to get that he knowingly abused me.

But, the whole reason I've not actually faced up to this so far is because I don't want to separate, as I'd have to leave DS in DH's care. But, on the flip side of that, I don't want for DS not to see his dad - its so hard.

[BlueThistles]

it takes time OP.. recognising what is happening.. accepting it.. making decisions to change/escape it.. it takes time 🌺

[BewilderedDoughnut]

Silent treatment is a dealbreaker for me and sulking over not getting sex is gross.

I’d bin him. He’s being abusive!

[Sixeight]

'binning him' isn't simple when you have children, a mortgage, joint finances, pensions, family ties and a household together, @BewilderedDoughnut.

I need to take each step as it comes. Tomorrow I'll talk to the GP regarding hormone tests (anxiety) and if she can refer me for counselling or mediation.

Any 'binning' will take a long time and needs to be in the best interests of the children. Which is kind of why I've done this for so long, I suppose.

[BewilderedDoughnut]

binning him isn't simple when you have children, a mortgage, joint finances, pensions, family ties and a household together

It’s not simple. Neither is the therapeutic process your children will need after being raised in a toxic environment. Neither are the struggles they will face in their future relationships when they emulate the toxic asshole.

[pallisers]

He’s more of a slam doors, tidy obsessively, ignore everyone, go off in a strop, sulks, shouts, silent fuming and seething. He will spend days in a foul mood over the smallest of things.

Apart from everything else - and, honestly, I think you have been subjected to sexual and other abuse for years and years - this is not normal. It might be usual for other women but that doesn't make it normal. Nice normal men don't behave like this.

I am also a middle aged woman in a relationship of more than 25 years. My husband has never behaved like this. nor have I. We've had fights and big problems - BIG problems - and times when sex was of no interest to me but was to him and times when it was otherwise. We have never exhibited violent behaviour (breaking the drawer/throwing the shoes) and never ever ever been silent with each other.

I am so glad you are going to a counsellor. I would prioritise that over mediation. Basically a mediator will be listening to both of you but your counsellor will be listening to only you. When you have a dedicated listener, you might be surprised what you will say and remember and think about.

Also, think carefully about what is in the best interests of the children. I have a friend who soldiered on with a very difficult, depressed, angry husband because of the children. He wasn't violent and probably would not meet any standard of abuse but he was damaged and angry and had no problem playing all that out in their small home. They finally divorced when their eldest was about 18. He has no relationship with either of his sons now - he is incapable without their mother to manage it, they are deeply affected by the lack of a proper father figure, and their self-esteem is seriously affected. having a man stomp around the house kicking things and shouting and sulking unless the others in the house do what pleases him does not help children build their self-esteem - it tells them their needs are worth nothing.

[ilikemethewayiam]

You are clearly an intelligent articulate woman OP. Like the slowly boiled frog you have been conditioned and adapted over many years to the point you haven’t recognised the abuse. You will really benefit from individual counselling, doing the freedom program, reading Lundy Bancroft and doing lots of reading and research on what constitutes abuse. I think once you have, it will all become clear. It is much harder to uncouple when you are older, and children are involved but thousands of women do leave late in life and blossom afterwards. Being free of the negative, sullen, toddler tantruming and sex pestering will be liberating. I understand you need to consider the impact on your children but I’m glad you are heading in the right direction. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for you and your children. good luck OP.

[Anordinarymum]

OP You are worth so much more than this. It hurt my head reading this thread. It made me think that he wants anal sex because he knows you do not and what kind of a man would do this to the mother of his children. He's a beast

[category12]

Would your dh actually want much of the care of the dc if you split? We often assume he will, because we would, and often he'll threaten things like going for 50/50 or "taking the kids off" you to keep you in place. But in reality, some of these men don't have much interest in them.

And being able to provide a peaceful, consistent, emotionally safe home as a solo parent shouldn't be underrated. 100% of the time in a home subject to the moodswings of an angry man isn't good for them.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you really think that such a man would actually want anything to do with his children post separation? I doubt that very much because he will be out there instead priming and otherwise targeting his next girlfriend/victim. Sadly too you are not able to fully protect your children from his abuses of you and in turn them because he is still in the marital home. Your son would have an advocate if you separated and that person is you. Do not stay within this just because you think your son won’t have an advocate for him going forward.

I would strongly urge you not to embark on any form of mediation with him, it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

[category12]

I just feel really awful for you that you're hoping to medicate and restructure your traumatised mind into continuing to tolerate living with the man who has abused you (and continues to abuse you).

[Sixeight]

@category12 not quite, I'm hoping that i can get some medication to stop the panic attacks ive been having over the last week, so i can think things through with a clearer head. Also to check hormones arent playing a part in it - if they are, hopefully she can medicate for that too and, again, I'll be able to work out where I stand with a clearer head.

[category12]

That's good to hear

[differentnameforthis]

Oh op... I have just deleted a huge response to you, because although I think you are making the right noises, I think you are also happy to downplay this, and my words will fall by the wayside.

That's OK! This is hard... where you have to make peace that it IS abuse you are suffering and DO something about it. Because yes, he CAN help it, otherwise he would be abusing everyone.

Remember - It doesn't have to be physical to be violent - although the sexual coercion is obviously physical (and violent) because he has you believing that your body has to be used to pacify his needs.

[HartnellAvenue]

I doubt your H intentionally set out to abuse you. He just wants what he wants (not necessarily sex) , and he's going to get it by whatever means necessary, whether that's by sulking, shouting, chucking stuff around. He wants you to fall in line and he will do what he has to to make that happen.

Like a PP said about the humping. That was a tool he used to get what he wanted, and he doesn't do it now because he doesn't need to. If you stop keeping to the sex schedule don't be surprised if those behaviours come back - after all they worked before.

He might be really calculated and doing it all on purpose or he might be a monumentally selfish individual who wants to get his own way and has a toolbox of abusive behaviours to achieve it. Or both

[Cosyjimjamsforautumn]

He sounds utterly vile and abusive. What do you get out of living with such an abusive man? How does he make you feel?

[username501]

OP I think people are being a little hard on you and you're doing really well given what a shock this all is. I hope the GP appointment goes well and think that counselling would really help. Well done for phoning the DV organisation.

[Sixeight]

Thank you, @username501 .