Silent treatment

[Sixeight]

So, dh hasn’t spoken more than the bare minimum to me for 2 days now. It is because we’ve not dtd more than once in the last 4 weeks. Yesterday he was so cross about it that he broke a drawer of mine (I have no idea how, as I was avoiding him at the time. But the front panel was literally ripped from its fixings) To give him credit, he did mend it, but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Since dc were born, I’ve had v.low libido and to keep the peace, I agreed on dtd 3x per week. The last few months or so, though, I’ve just not been able to do this and dh is getting v.pissed off. When I say no, he turns onto his back and wanks next to me in bed.

I know Iabu in withholding sex. That’s not how marriages should be, I know.

But there are many reasons for this, which are too involved to go into now. I really need to get some counselling to come to terms with dealing with it. (All of his sexual behaviourL I.e dry humping, lying on me in the middle of the night and thrusting a hard on, grabbing hold when i”m bent over the dishwasher etc ..) All this I perceived as negative but it was ‘just a phase’. But, cumulatively its now really affecting me)

I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help. I contacted relate, but they have no appointments available during school hours. Out of school hours, I’d have to ask dh to babysit which would inevitably cause problems as he really can’t cope with his asc son, and so dd (only 13)would have to step in to take the fallout (dh getting cross, not physical).. plus, he’d want to know where I’d been.

Anyway, after all that waffle. I’ve not wanted to dtd for well over 4 weeks. Dh has given me the silent treatment for the last 48 hours as a result. I’m about to go and have a bath, then lay back and think of England just to keep the peace.

Aibu?

Omfg that's terrible, TERRIBLE. I hope you find a way out of the marriage. You are married?

There is a name for sex when you've been coerced into consent. It may be that you don't think of your arrangement like that because you are so used to it.
In a healthy relationship if one of you wants sex, they sort of 'woo' the other one. Basically they are nice to them. They initiate intimacy that may or may not lead to dtd. You sound like you are staying with him because you are scared of leaving.
DH and I joke about being "on a promise' if we realised that the stars are aligned so we get some time together alone, there may be some 'flirting' and signalling our intentions - but if it doesn't work for the other one, for whatever reason, the other one doesn't get to sulk because we respect each other as distinct people with thoughts and feelings separate from our own.
It seems like you are staying with him because life without him will be hard - financially for you, and for your son. But will it be harder than having coerced sex on a 3x weekly schedule and stonewalled in between? It seems like the sex is getting harder for you with menopause but in your shoes I wouldn't stay even if the coerced sex stopped because he has shown that he has no respect for you as a distinct person with bodily autonomy. He isn't loving towards you. That would be my deal breaker.
It seems as if you have reached your line. Getting through leaving is hard, but so worth it.

@Sixeight what would you advise to a friend in this situation? If my friend told me what you did she and her children would be liding with me right now.

This is abuse. Simply abuse. Sex doesn't happy like this in a loving relationship; he is treating you like a sex doll and it is disgusting. Would you want your daughter treated like this? Does she ever see it?

So, I’ve been thinking about it. Most of the times in the 3x per week I climaxed (or pretended to). I never said no. So that’s probably why he obv thought I was ok about it.

Plus, the dry humping etc were all phases over the last few years. He doesn’t do it any more.

He is disgustingly abusive OP. This has really shocked me.

But nobody bullies someone into anything and really believes they're fine with it, do they?

If you created such an atmosphere that he was sneaking around tidying up the mess you'd made in a temper, and giving him the silent treatment and generally giving him hell emotionally, and he suddenly did whatever it was that you wanted, you wouldn't think "ah he's happy about doing this"?! Would you?

www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained

Tell him using silent treatment is abusive. It’s coercive control. So what if he’s stunned? He needs to know he IS being abusive.

@Sixeight that still doesn't make it ok. This is a very dysfunctional relationship and you have a very low opinion of your worth. All he is demonstrating to you is that you are there for sex. A hole for him to fuck.

I can't believe that you think that is acceptable.

OP that isn't how loving, respectful relationships work. Your partner doesn't get you to agree to sex three times a week irrespective of how you feel. He doesn't then get to masturbate next to you in bed because you've turned him down or punish you through sulking. These are all actions taken in order to get you to capitulate.

Coerced sex is rape. Sex you are having because you don't want to face repercussions is coerced sex OP. You faking orgasms to please him while you grit your teeth through it, doesn't make his behaviour ok.

No one gets to tell you how often you have sex, no one. It's your body. He doesn't own you and he isn't entitled to sex.

I understand that you think he's the bees knees and if he'd just stop raping you then everything would be perfect but I respectfully disagree with your assessment.

The reason you feel mentally and emotionally ground down is because you are in an abusive relationship. Sexual coercion is probably just one thing in a long line of other abusive behaviour. Abuse starts slowly and builds over time. It can be difficult to spot from the inside because it's become part of your daily life. Tip toeing around your partner to avoid his moods is called walking on eggshells and is one of the signs of abuse.

It's your home. You should feel loved, safe, secure, valued, treasured and all the other lovely things that come with being loved and cherished by your partner. You're not in a loving or kind relationship. You're in a relationship where you are having sex you don't want and putting up with angry wanking. His behaviour is disgusting.

I really suggest you use the chat line linked on page one of the thread and tell them what's going on. No one will know who you are as it's completely anonymous. You can even email if you want. Tell them about the sex agreement, the silent treatment, the masturbation and all the other boundary infringements and disrespect you put up with day in day out to keep him happy. The answer may surprise you.

OP... honestly.. I too am horrified at how you are living. It's not healthy and it is certainly not normal. Im so sorry to hear you excuse his behaviour as if this were all your fault. It is not your fault OP, you are not a slab of meat, and it is not reasonable to force you into a Sex Contract allowing him to use you 3 times a week whether you wish too or not.

I do hope you see what is badly wrong here and find the courage to change your life. 🌺

Oh OP, your thread has sent chills through me. I was in the exact same situation a little over 5 years ago
My ExH was a sex pest, he’d take any opportunity to grope me or randomly stick his penis in my face expecting a bj. He was obsessed with sex and anal sex and how much he didn’t get.
I have so many hideous memories and I’ll share some so you know you’re not alone and it’s not ok
Prior to having our DC and being heavily pregnant my libido was low, at an antenatal class the tutor asked how long after birth can a couple have sex? I gave a guess of 10-12 weeks. ExH blew his top at me, said ‘Great, now everyone knows how shit our sex life is’
After DC was born I was recovering from an episiotomy. He was hassling me for sex, I had to show him my wounds for him to understand.
He used to instigate sex and if I’d say I wasn’t feeling it he’d yell at me that there was something wrong with me and ignore me. But most of the time I’d just say ‘Yeah, if you want to’ there was no love, no tenderness and I’d just lay on my side and wait for it to be over.
I look back now and I know it wasn’t me. He’s behaviour repulsed me to the point I had zero sexual attraction to him and I didn’t enjoy his touch because I knew he had no respect for me or my feelings. Nothing could change that.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, it’s so traumatic and I know you just want it to be over.
I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, help and support is there

Op he sounds like a shitty person even without the sex stuff. Is this the marriage you imagined for yourself as a teenager? Scheduling sex which is rubbish for you and your dh not caring? Get him gone for yourself and the kids’ sakes!

I’m not surprised you’ve got low libido, anyone would married to him. He sounds fucking revolting.

Yur husband is a pig. I would kill anyone who treated me like this.
He is a rapist, a manipulator and a bully, his behaviour is disgusting.
Has he never heard of flowers or taking you out for dinner, or helping round the house, or giving you a hug and tender kisses without expecting sex.
I would be so disgusted with this behaviour I'd never have sex with him again.
he is vile, vile, vile and you should be packing his things. A loving husband does NOT behave like this and you must not allow it.
This is domestic abuse.

Most disgusting husband of the MN day. You have really lucked out OP with this repulsive cretin.

OP the responses you are getting here are not from women who are angry at you or blaming you for what's going on. No one is blaming you for the situation. People are upset and angry at the way you are being treated. They are upset for you. You can't see how bad the situation is but others can and they are finding it upsetting.

He seems to be talking to me again now. I know I’ll get backlash on here, but it makes me wonder if I’ve blown it all out of proportion. I am starting to realise I haven’t though.

He’s not affectionate, but that’s because I can’t help but recoil or stop moving whenever he tries to be affectionate. This is because it always used to lead to sexual behaviour so now, even if he has no intention of doing anything else, I can’t help but flinch.

I’ll try and find some counselling, or call women’s aid on Monday, when I can get a bit of privacy. Talking it over with someone 1:1 might help me clarify my thoughts, which are all over the place at the moment. I’ll make a doctors appointment too.

He really isn’t the monster some of the posts are making him out to be. I honestly don’t think he realises what he is doing/has done. Just like I didn’t realise, I suppose.

I will read up on coercion so that as/when/if we end up arguing about this, I can try and explain what I’ve learned here. The link that someone posted on the last page was quite eye opening.

Rockinmumma, thank you for sharing your experience. How did you broach the subject with him in the end?

sixeight

You have not blown any of this out of proportion whatsoever; your H controls you in so many ways. The scales though are starting to fall from your eyes. None of what has happened here to you is your fault in any way, this is ALL on him.

He does have awareness of what he is doing here to you and he does not care about you or for that matter his kids one little bit. He does not think he has or is doing anything wrong here with regards to you and you are but a possession to him to mistreat as he sees fit.
It may be that over the years and because of him you further subsumed your own feelings and otherwise tried to detach yourself as some sort of coping mechanism against his abuse.

Re counselling please do not under any circumstances do that with him. If this is to be considered you need to do that on your own.

Do call Womens Aid when you are able to do so safely. Alternatively if you can go to Boots these chemists now have consultation rooms that you can use to get help.

re your comment:-

"I will read up on coercion so that as/when/if we end up arguing about this, I can try and explain what I’ve learned here"

Please do not try and explain this to him; he knows and he does not care.

Of course he realises, that's what the sulking is about. Trying to punish you. Will you have sex with him tonight? Has he switched to being nice as a way of getting to you now the silent treatment hasn't worked?

I'm very glad you are going to seek advice. Your CBT counsellor was very telling. It's going to be tough as you open your eyes to this op. The panic attacks are physical signs something isn't wrong. Your mind is beginning to wake up to that now.

Stay safe and keep talking on here. You aren't blowing it out of proportion, I promise you that.

Oh yes and explaining it won't do a thing. Are you hoping that he will see the error of his ways so you can stay together? It won't work op.

OP he knows what he’s doing, it’s all pre meditated he just doesn’t care about your feelings
I’ve been divorced from my abuser for 4 years now and I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am and no longer a shell of my old self just wishing my life away. I did confront him on his behaviour as it happens, guess what? He projected it all on to me... all my fault.
I don’t think anyone expects you to chuck him out or walk. Posting here could be the start of your journey to realisation, escape and a better life. I hope you do contact women’s aid. It’s going to take a while to get your head round

Nothing that you have described resembles loving sex between consenting adults. Nothing. Please please think about that.