Silent treatment

[Sixeight]

So, dh hasn’t spoken more than the bare minimum to me for 2 days now. It is because we’ve not dtd more than once in the last 4 weeks. Yesterday he was so cross about it that he broke a drawer of mine (I have no idea how, as I was avoiding him at the time. But the front panel was literally ripped from its fixings) To give him credit, he did mend it, but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Since dc were born, I’ve had v.low libido and to keep the peace, I agreed on dtd 3x per week. The last few months or so, though, I’ve just not been able to do this and dh is getting v.pissed off. When I say no, he turns onto his back and wanks next to me in bed.

I know Iabu in withholding sex. That’s not how marriages should be, I know.

But there are many reasons for this, which are too involved to go into now. I really need to get some counselling to come to terms with dealing with it. (All of his sexual behaviourL I.e dry humping, lying on me in the middle of the night and thrusting a hard on, grabbing hold when i”m bent over the dishwasher etc ..) All this I perceived as negative but it was ‘just a phase’. But, cumulatively its now really affecting me)

I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help. I contacted relate, but they have no appointments available during school hours. Out of school hours, I’d have to ask dh to babysit which would inevitably cause problems as he really can’t cope with his asc son, and so dd (only 13)would have to step in to take the fallout (dh getting cross, not physical).. plus, he’d want to know where I’d been.

Anyway, after all that waffle. I’ve not wanted to dtd for well over 4 weeks. Dh has given me the silent treatment for the last 48 hours as a result. I’m about to go and have a bath, then lay back and think of England just to keep the peace.

Aibu?

[Hangingover]

This thread breaks my heart. OP I hope you can find a way out of this for you and your DCs sake...I know it's hard to see it when you've been with someone this long but his behaviour is absolutely appalling. I have a low libido too - DP and me talk about it and work through our feelings together. Yes it's sometimes awkward but he NEVER makes me feel as your DH does. I'd suggest couples therapy but honestly he doesn't deserve it. What a giant bastard.

[Fortunategirl]

@dotty12345 have you spoken to a solicitor? That document might not be valid. Post in the legal section on mumsnet. Don’t just walk away from a house you bought!

[Shoxfordian]

He's abusive op. Please look into leaving him, you should never feel like you have to have sex to keep the peace or for any other reason. He's treating you like a sex doll and it isn't ok.

[Sixeight]

Ended up not going to bed till late last night as couldn’t face dtd. Dh still blanking me and in a foul mood this morning.

I suppose what us getting me is the threads on here from the other perspective, I.e. where op says ‘dh doesn’t want sex any more, I feel rejected and ugly’ and everyone replies with ‘you poor thing’ etc.

I agreed the 3x per week all those years ago as I couldn’t face how awful things would be if I didn’t. I’ve realised that now I’m almost at a point where I’m seeing how awful it gets, maybe :(

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sixeight

Re your comments:-

"He isn’t a total shit, he is actually a really nice guy to most people. He’s realised he is likely to be autistic, as he shares so many traits with out son. But the flip side of that is that I can’t leave them together".

Many abusers are indeed quite plausible to those in the outside world and it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Image is all important to such men.

"If I left, I’d be resigning my autistic son to weekends hiding under his weighted blanket as he can’t cope, and my dd to weekends trying to smooth over all the cracks appearing between dh and ds.
That’s not fair on the kids".

Do you really think that such a man would at all want to be bothered to see his children post separation?. Its not doing your children any favours to stay within an abusive marriage and this will continue to damage them immensely. All this man cares about is his own selfish needs and wants and he cares not a jot for any of you.

Do not ascribe your H to possibly being on the spectrum either as a reason for abuse. He is abusive because he is abusive and remains volatile. Deep down you know he is not autistic and if he is undiagnosed as well you cannot assume that he is at all on any ASD spectrum. Quite apart from anything else ASD anyway does not equal abusive treatment like you, and in turn your kids, are receiving.

You need to divorce this man and rebuild your lives here. There is help out there for abused people, please grab it with both hands. You are being emotionally abused and sexually coerced here and such is now a crime.

You never needed CBT because they realised you are in an abusive relationship and so that would not help.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Did you meet this person when you were in a low place yourself because this man targeted you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He will otherwise go onto destroy you all as people because he will continue to drag you and your kids down with him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Those other threads you are referring to are written by people who are not in a sexually abusive and controlling relationship like you sadly are. This man wants absolute ownership of you and your body to do whatever he sees fit with. This is all a part of his wanting absolute power and control over you all and this is what lies at the heart of abuse.

As username 501 wrote:-

"He is sexually abusive and as others have pointed out, emotionally abusive. Coerced sex is rape. Him masturbating beside you in bed is to punish you for turning him down. He's using you for sex and his behaviour is repulsive.

You can contact FLOWS or Rights of Women for free legal advice. Take a look at the Money Advice Service or call Gingerbread for advice on benefits.

I also suggest you contact your local DV service, the details of which will be on your local council website or do a search to find out what's available in your area.

There is a free and anonymous chatline you can use between 3-6pm here if you need clarification that this is abuse.

OP the three times a week sex agreement has to stop now. You've been dehumanised long enough. Don't do anything else to keep the peace. If he wants to sulk, let him get on with it. If his behaviour escalates, contact the National Helpline: 0808 2000 247"

[Sleepingdogs12]

This is truly one of the worst threads I have read on mumsnet. Just awful. You need to get some help in real life as you can't carry on like this and your children shouldn't be growing up in a household like this. This is not what marriage should be like. There might be barriers to you leaving but you can get past them with support.

[RandomMess]

A woman that had her H having sex with her 3 times per week because of an agreement years ago would still be unhappy and feel unloved because she would know he wasn't into it/her.

He doesn't care he uses you as a sex doll.

[Sleepingdogs12]

No doubt this isn't the only way he is abusing you

[Sixeight]

If he is abusing me, he isn’t doing it intentionally. He’s unhappy too.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sixeight

Do not ever embark on couples therapy with him. This is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Mediation is not recommended either also because of his abuses of you and in turn your children. You need legal advice and I would urge you to get this asap.

[category12]

Oh sorry I've mixed up my threads.

[BlueThistles]

this is so horrible Im stunned 🌺

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If someone else was writing this what would your own counsel be?.

This is all intentional on his part, absolutely. Abusive men hate women, ALL of them, in particular starting with their own mother.

What if anything do you know about your H's family background because that often gives clues.

[Sleepingdogs12]

His boundaries and sense of normality are way off if he thinks his reactions are justified and if he thinks his behaviour will improve the situation.
I am wondering if this thread is real as your acceptance of the situation is so worrying. If this is real you need to get some support on real life, the links have been given by a previous poster.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The abuser will deny feelings stem from within them but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude towards them. They may
tell you that “you make me mad”, “you're hurting me by not doing what I ask”, or that they cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. “I would not be angry if you didn't ...” Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect.
Statements such as “You make me happy” or “You make me feel good about myself” are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in their mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for their emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Since abusers want all of their partner’s attention for themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. There is a very strong link between domestic violence and child abuse.

A male abuser may let you know that the idea of ‘rape’ excites him. They may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding
sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go ‘all the way’ can all be signs that they could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

[category12]

Let me try again -

• the women in those threads aren't sexually coercive, nor groping/sexually assaulting their partners,
• nor deliberately breaking things round the house (domestic abuse),
• nor are they emotionally abusing their partners (silent treatment, etc).

They're trying to find solutions and support. They don't subject their partners to a reign of terror and moodswings.

[Sixeight]

There has been no physical abuse, category12. I’m still not convinced the 3x per week is/was either, as I didn’t say no, I just lay there really.

He doesn’t hate his mother, he is from a very matriarchal family and loves his mother even when the don’t see eye to eye.

He’d be stunned if I turned around and accused him of abuse. I agree the silent treatment isn’t on, and it’s horrible.

I’m not quite sure what to do now, I’ll have a think about it this weekend. I’m having what I assume are panic attacks at the moment so I think I’m just going to get on with the day and not think about it too much till I’ve mentally digested what I’ve read here.

[S00LA]

@RandomMess

Please please leave you and the DC will be happier. They may not even want to spend EOW with him.

You will be entitled to benefits due to your low wage and child maintenance from him.

Please speak to Women's Aid. Email them to arrange a time to speak.

This.

I think you might struggle to find a reputable counsellor or therapist who will help you become happy with being raped and sexually assaulted.

Coercing you into sex because you are scared he will abuse you and the kids is rape.

Grabbing you and touching you when you don’t want to is sexual assault.

If you split up he will almost certainly NOT have the kids EOW. Because he will be spending weekends with his next victim.

[Sixeight]

Sleeping dogs, this is 100% real.

[Sleepingdogs12]

Thank goodness you have reached out here , I queried if it was true to make you see how beyond normal this is. I hope you can find some strength and support to get out of this situation to protect yourself and your children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Ha hates women and all of them starting with his own mother. He coming from a very matriarchal family too sounds like she was and remains boss here within that.

You are very slowly starting to open your eyes properly now as to how abusive he is and has been towards you. The panic attacks are symptomatic of your reactions to distressing feelings, feelings that your H has caused you to have.

You have children sixeight; this is no relationship legacy to be leaving them either. They likely know far more than you care to realise and pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here.

[category12]

I withdrew that post as I mixed up my threads, but you are suffering sexual coercion. The non-consensual groping and humping etc is sexual assault.

And deliberately breaking your stuff is a characteristic of domestic abuse. It's intimidation and a punishment.

And the silent treatment and dominating the household with bad temper is emotionally abusive.


And what kind of man wants to have sex with someone who isn't into it, anyway? There's a word for that. It's horrible, it's treating you like a wanksock.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do keep posting here too, you need a safe outlet. Your voice needs to be heard.