Silent treatment

[Sixeight]

So, dh hasn’t spoken more than the bare minimum to me for 2 days now. It is because we’ve not dtd more than once in the last 4 weeks. Yesterday he was so cross about it that he broke a drawer of mine (I have no idea how, as I was avoiding him at the time. But the front panel was literally ripped from its fixings) To give him credit, he did mend it, but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Since dc were born, I’ve had v.low libido and to keep the peace, I agreed on dtd 3x per week. The last few months or so, though, I’ve just not been able to do this and dh is getting v.pissed off. When I say no, he turns onto his back and wanks next to me in bed.

I know Iabu in withholding sex. That’s not how marriages should be, I know.

But there are many reasons for this, which are too involved to go into now. I really need to get some counselling to come to terms with dealing with it. (All of his sexual behaviourL I.e dry humping, lying on me in the middle of the night and thrusting a hard on, grabbing hold when i”m bent over the dishwasher etc ..) All this I perceived as negative but it was ‘just a phase’. But, cumulatively its now really affecting me)

I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help. I contacted relate, but they have no appointments available during school hours. Out of school hours, I’d have to ask dh to babysit which would inevitably cause problems as he really can’t cope with his asc son, and so dd (only 13)would have to step in to take the fallout (dh getting cross, not physical).. plus, he’d want to know where I’d been.

Anyway, after all that waffle. I’ve not wanted to dtd for well over 4 weeks. Dh has given me the silent treatment for the last 48 hours as a result. I’m about to go and have a bath, then lay back and think of England just to keep the peace.

Aibu?

[category12]

When you say he won't "understand" it from you, you actually mean he doesn't listen to or respect what you say, don't you?

[Sixeight]

@category12

When you say he won't "understand" it from you, you actually mean he doesn't listen to or respect what you say, don't you?

No, I think I actually mean that I won’t be able to answer his questions and respond to his ‘but thought it was ok’ comments straight off the to of my head, having only just come to grips with it myself.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

I think mediation is a great idea and I suspect they suggest that because then there's confirmation. Too many women allow themselves to be gaslit into thinking things are normal, and their partners never really have to face what they are doing.

He's creepy and revolting. He doesn't realise it's rape because he sees you as his sex toy. it's his right and if you have had sex with him before and enjoy it then consent in his mind is given forever. He's probably vaguely aware you're not happy but like many men is too invested in getting his own way.

Get him in front of a mediator so he can see what a cunt he is. And so you can too.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

And so someone else can explain it to him. This isnt your job.

[S00LA]

I’m wondering what kind of man needs a mediator to explain to him that rape and sexual assault are illegal.

I know you say that you think your husband is on the spectrum OP. Does he have a diagnosis or is this just your own opinion ?

Does he have significant learning disabilities as well? Does he hold down a job or have a driving license?

I’m assuming he has a criminal record and has spent time in prison. Because if he doesn’t know that rape and sexual assault are wrong, then he will no doubt have assaulted other women.

Does he have other convictions for violent offences ?

Have you ever applied to the police for disclosures under Clares Law or Sarah’s law?

Does he have other children by other relationships that he never sees?

[Sixeight]

That’s enough, S00la, you are way too ott and being offensive.

Or, maybe I’ve made it sound worse than it actually is.

Or maybe we’re just a middle aged couple where, due to bad choices and communication on my part and lack of thought and care on his, we’ve landed up where we are now.

You ask what sort of man would need a mediator to explain it - well, on that note, what sort of woman wouldn’t see it for what it was for over a decade?

It’s certainly nothing like you make it out to be.

[MuserOwl]

@category12

When you say he won't "understand" it from you, you actually mean he doesn't listen to or respect what you say, don't you?

It does amount to this though @Sixeight 😥

[PostItJoyWeek]

You say there is no physical abuse but in your opening post you describe this interaction:

but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Why did you have to sneak up? What would have happened if you had done what most of us would have done which would likely be angrily saying something like "Oi, DH, what are you doing?! Dumping my clothes on the floor after breaking my drawers!"

What were you scared of?

[Sixeight]

@MuserOwl Not really. I am still working out how to explain it to myself, without having to answer random questions and comments off the top of my head. If it was all in order and clear in my head, I explained to dh and he didn’t get it then, yes, I’d agree.

But I haven’t had the time to sort it out myself yet, let alone explain it to him.

I’m reading the freedom programme info. Most of it (thankfully) is nowhere near what has been happening. But there are some ‘penny drop’ moments which I’m noting down.

I need time to clarify this in my own head.

[Sixeight]

@PostItJoyWeek

You say there is no physical abuse but in your opening post you describe this interaction:

but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Why did you have to sneak up? What would have happened if you had done what most of us would have done which would likely be angrily saying something like "Oi, DH, what are you doing?! Dumping my clothes on the floor after breaking my drawers!"

What were you scared of?

Fair question. I was scared of more crossness, snide remarks or stomping off in a foul mood. I didn’t want the children to see or hear it.

At the time my heart was pounding, I didn’t have the mental energy to get angry because he is much quicker with words than I am. And again, I didn’t want the kids to hear.

So I put all my stuff in a bag in the wardrobe and left him to it. It was the easy route.

I was not scared of physical abuse.

[MuserOwl]

It shouldnt be like a court of law scenario.
You dont need to be able to prove how you feel.
He will act like a cross examining barrister I think?!

And you are so used to that, you know you need to 'prep' because he wont respect how you feel.

Good luck figuring this all out. Xxx

[PostItJoyWeek]

Has there been slamming around, accidentally barging into you, play fighting / tickling that goes a little bit too far, talk of getting aggressive with other people?

[PostItJoyWeek]

I ask because breaking your drawers sounds like the message of I can break you too

Physical abuse tends to start with this kind of "warning violence".

[Sixeight]

@MuserOwl

It shouldnt be like a court of law scenario.
You dont need to be able to prove how you feel.
He will act like a cross examining barrister I think?!

And you are so used to that, you know you need to 'prep' because he wont respect how you feel.

Good luck figuring this all out. Xxx

Hmm. Maybe a bit. He is very good at arguing that black is white and convincingly winning.

But, if I have done my research (I,e, when explaining to him that ds needed an assessment for autism even though dh thought he was fine) he is receptive. I suppose I’m doing the same research here, to make sure I can fight my corner.

[category12]

Do things often get broken when he's angry?

[Sixeight]

@PostItJoyWeek

Has there been slamming around, accidentally barging into you, play fighting / tickling that goes a little bit too far, talk of getting aggressive with other people?

Just slamming things. Nothing else. He isn’t a naturally physically aggressive person.

[Bookriddle]

Currently getting silent treatment off my wife at the moment, she works in a hospital and has 6 confirmed cases of covid 19 on her ward, although she isnt working close to them!

Babys first birthday this weekend and because of the rule of 6 we are doing 2 parties on over 2 days!

But because i suggested we let people know who are coming that she has confirmed cases on her ward, and if people dont feel comfortable coming it would be fine!

But no, she did her usual, jumped straight to the most extreme reactions she can think of, and she has cancelled the party!

But of course as usual its all my fault and now im getting punished with silent treatment!

I know how you feel op, its bloody horrible, im the sort of person, to just want an argument and get it over with, but this will be another week ruined because i dared to say something

[frazzledasarock]

@Sixeight do you keep a journal? Maybe you should. Then re-read it. Maybe Soolas replies are closer than you think to crux of the situation.

I used to be married to a man who expected sex. When I was on my period (its almost finished let’s have sex) after I’d given birth (you’re not normal taking so long to want to have sex).

In desperation I agreed to every other day. Which lead to epic sulks if I couldn’t/didn’t want to. Then he accused me of being gay/abnormal every other couple you see was having sex several times and every day. Then he said the sex didn’t count (never could actually explain why).

It was horrific. I wanted to die.

And yes you did hear your husband say ‘next time can I use you’ when you were giving him a hand job. Would you even be able to make up something so horrific to yourself?

Was an utter revelation to be with a man who never ever keeps trying if I’ve said not tonight. Who waited pretty much a year after I had baby as I was exhausted and just not feeling up to it. And you know what amazingly I have a pretty high libido with my DP. Because I’m not being forced to have sex.

This is your normal your mind is probably forgetting the worst of it as how else will you live thro it.

When I LTB, I found old emails to my best friend about my life with ex and I’d forgotten the majority of the truly harrowing things that had happened. To this day i have massive blank spaces in my memory.

[Sixeight]

@category12

Do things often get broken when he's angry?

Not usually. Last ‘major’ meltdown was a year or so ago. He threw shoes into the corridor and threw the kid’s books in the bin.

He’s more of a slam doors, tidy obsessively, ignore everyone, go off in a strop, sulks, shouts, silent fuming and seething. He will spend days in a foul mood over the smallest of things.

Not physically violent towards any of us and unlikely to ever be so.

[category12]

So "just" emotional abuse and the threat of violence (against objects). Which is not only directly at you, but the children too.

You know that physical abuse isn't the only type that counts?

[Regularsizedrudy]

You are in an abusive relationship. He is emotionally and sexually abusing you.

[Sixeight]

[quote frazzledasarock]@Sixeight do you keep a journal? Maybe you should. Then re-read it. Maybe Soolas replies are closer than you think to crux of the situation.

I used to be married to a man who expected sex. When I was on my period (its almost finished let’s have sex) after I’d given birth (you’re not normal taking so long to want to have sex).

In desperation I agreed to every other day. Which lead to epic sulks if I couldn’t/didn’t want to. Then he accused me of being gay/abnormal every other couple you see was having sex several times and every day. Then he said the sex didn’t count (never could actually explain why).

It was horrific. I wanted to die.

And yes you did hear your husband say ‘next time can I use you’ when you were giving him a hand job. Would you even be able to make up something so horrific to yourself?

Was an utter revelation to be with a man who never ever keeps trying if I’ve said not tonight. Who waited pretty much a year after I had baby as I was exhausted and just not feeling up to it. And you know what amazingly I have a pretty high libido with my DP. Because I’m not being forced to have sex.

This is your normal your mind is probably forgetting the worst of it as how else will you live thro it.

When I LTB, I found old emails to my best friend about my life with ex and I’d forgotten the majority of the truly harrowing things that had happened. To this day i have massive blank spaces in my memory.[/quote]
Yes, I have started a journal as I realised that, like you say, memory erases some of the harder to digest things.

I’m so sorry your exh treated you like that. Mine doesn’t do the accusations etc, although he does seem to think that most people have it more than we do. But I kind of see that in the same way that I see his comment that ‘everyone’s houses are tidier than ours’. He doesn’t drop in and visit other people’s houses during the day (just when invited so of course they’ve tidied)

Re the ‘can I use you next time’ no, I don’t think I misheard. But it took me a while to register, so it probably never even crossed his mind.

[ArnieLinson]

He is Abusive, op. Youre describing abusive behaviour every post.

[Sixeight]

Tonight, he’s acting as normal. No sulking, he’s just sitting watching tv and making normal sorts of comments to me, with no reference to his behaviour over the last few days.

I’m not going to bring this all up till I’ve got my thoughts organised, but similarly, I’m not planning on dtd either. I think this is the longest it’s gone before I capitulated in order to keep the peace. Previously, it was over a decade ago and I had 2 babies, one of which was undiagnosed autistic, so I was properly exhausted - I had a reason not to want to dtd but capitulated for an easy life. I don’t have that ‘excuse’ any more, but as I said to the woman’s aid lady, I don’t think I can yet verbalise why I haven’t wanted to dtd for so long.

I am practising saying (in my head) ‘no, it’s not going to happen because I’m not going to do it just to avoid you sulking, breaking things and being awful for days on end. We’re not modelling a healthy relationship to our children on many levels, so you’ll have to wait till I’ve investigated counselling and seen the doctor’...

[graceeellixo]

So having Aspergers and being poor at reading body language gives you an automatic pass to coercing someone to sex? Absolutely NOT.

OP he sounds a fucking weirdo, a complete bully and he would be out of my house before he could even start tossing himself off in bed.