Silent treatment

[Sixeight]

So, dh hasn’t spoken more than the bare minimum to me for 2 days now. It is because we’ve not dtd more than once in the last 4 weeks. Yesterday he was so cross about it that he broke a drawer of mine (I have no idea how, as I was avoiding him at the time. But the front panel was literally ripped from its fixings) To give him credit, he did mend it, but not without tipping the entire contents out over the carpet in a rage (I sneaked up and put it all in a plastic bag for now).

Since dc were born, I’ve had v.low libido and to keep the peace, I agreed on dtd 3x per week. The last few months or so, though, I’ve just not been able to do this and dh is getting v.pissed off. When I say no, he turns onto his back and wanks next to me in bed.

I know Iabu in withholding sex. That’s not how marriages should be, I know.

But there are many reasons for this, which are too involved to go into now. I really need to get some counselling to come to terms with dealing with it. (All of his sexual behaviourL I.e dry humping, lying on me in the middle of the night and thrusting a hard on, grabbing hold when i”m bent over the dishwasher etc ..) All this I perceived as negative but it was ‘just a phase’. But, cumulatively its now really affecting me)

I did try - prior to lockdown I tried to get nhs cbt but they said my anxiety was justified so couldn’t help. I contacted relate, but they have no appointments available during school hours. Out of school hours, I’d have to ask dh to babysit which would inevitably cause problems as he really can’t cope with his asc son, and so dd (only 13)would have to step in to take the fallout (dh getting cross, not physical).. plus, he’d want to know where I’d been.

Anyway, after all that waffle. I’ve not wanted to dtd for well over 4 weeks. Dh has given me the silent treatment for the last 48 hours as a result. I’m about to go and have a bath, then lay back and think of England just to keep the peace.

Aibu?

[BlueThistles]

OP you take good care of yourself... He is talking now because it suits him too and he will be buttering you up to Sex later tonight... He is still a bullying sex pest who punishes you by ignoring you and you are an emotional wreck still still excuses for his behaviour ... Please do speak to Women's Aid and I wish you all the best in your journey ... you may not see this as abuse now but you will see it soon... good luck OP 🌺

[HartnellAvenue]

I was in a relationship where I was routinely groped and harassed going about my day. It culminated in him insisting I'd agreed to sex that day several days earlier, so he was having it. I ended up just letting him get on with it - he didn't care if I enjoyed it, didn't care if he left me bleeding because I was not turned on in the slightest. Didn't care if I was crying.

If I had pointed out to him how wrong he was he would have been shocked too - he thought he was a nice guy but he wasn't, he was a nasty rapist who didn't care one bit about me.

I'm now in a loving relationship with a gentle, caring man, but he has gone off sex for various reasons, and we haven't had it for months. I have never ever given him the silent treatment. I have never gotten angry at him, never blamed him for it. So I'm one of the women you've read about. I do get sad and sometimes I do feel rejected but we do talk about it regularly and there is no pressure on him at all. I still don't grope, guilt trip, sexually assault, ignore or get angry at him because I love him and I'm not abusive.

Lack of sex doesn't make you behave like a monster - whether your husband would agree or not, this is who he is and this is how he chooses to behave

[S00LA]

He really isn’t the monster some of the posts are making him out to be. I honestly don’t think he realises what he is doing/has done. Just like I didn’t realise, I suppose

I will read up on coercion so that as/when/if we end up arguing about this, I can try and explain what I’ve learned here. The link that someone posted on the last page was quite eye opening

Please PLEASE do not discuss anything you are reading or learning with him. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing and that’s it’s abuse. He just thinks that he’s entitled to treat you like this, just like you used to think that.

It will makes things A LOT worse if he knows that you are informing yourself . He will become MUCH more abusive and controlling you keep you in line.

Also don’t talk to anyone in his family about it however much you like them.

Nor anyone in your family, unless you are 100% sure they will be on your side and are trustworthy. Many family members are sadly more interested in keeping up appearances than protecting women and children.

[Gobbycop]

I've not rtft but he's practically/already is a rapist.

You need help.

[LilyLongJohn]

This was one of the reasons I left my ex. I went to councilling, I had sex therapy to try and sort 'my issue' turns out I wasn't fridged (as he said I was' It was just having sex with an abusive arsehole didn't do it for me. I do like sex, just not with him.

[Ren1975]

A few posters have commented and I also agree. This is rape and it is criminal.

You MUST get away from this man. Immediately.

How can we help you?

[Sixeight]

So I went to bed really late for the last couple of nights, last night pretending AF had started (it will it the next day or so). I thought he was starting to masturbate again last night when I got into bed, but it was just my heart pounding so hard. Going to call WA, gp and maybe relate depending on what I decide. Had I made stronger decisions all those years ago, it wouldn’t have got to this point now :(

[BlueThistles]

Im glad you're going to speak to someone OP, you do need support 🌺

[category12]

Relationship counselling isn't a good idea where there's abuse, op. But please speak to Women's Aid or similar services.

You're not tied in to past decisions forever, you can change your mind, you can recognise that it was maybe the wrong choice and act on it later.

[gingerbreadfox]

He sounds disgusting and you do not deserve to be treated like that. He is treating you like a piece of meat. Be strong OP

[Sixeight]

Womens aid doesnt seem to have s phone number :( i can email, but it says it could take 5 days to reply. Ive driven to a quiet car park and psyched myself up to talk to them now, but i cant find a number!

[category12]

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ There's a phone line here.

[BlueThistles]

what area are you in OP

[category12]

Local woman's aid directory: womensaid.staging.wpengine.com/domestic-abuse-directory/

[Sixeight]

Category 12, that number is busy all the time and I don't want to leave a message to call back.

Bluethisteles, I just looked up local services using category 12 's link but (and I know I'm being daft) I don't feel confident calling a random.charity I know nothing about, to discuss such a huge and personal thing.

I'll go home and email women's aid. I have a doctor triage call for an appointment tomorrow, I'll outline it to her as well.

[category12]

They do have an online chat, have you tried that?

[Sixeight]

Yes, the online chat was busy too. I’ll keep an eye on it for the next hour or so, I can use it from home (unlike calling).

[notapizzaeater]

Nothing if any practical to share with you other than he's not a nice guy, he's horrible.

[BlueThistles]

I understand OP 🌺

[differentnameforthis]

If he is abusing me, he isn’t doing it intentionally.

No op. He knows what he is doing. Consent isn't complicated. He knows he doesn't have it.

Ignoring you, but speaking to others, yes? Intentional. He is waiting for you to beg him (by having sex) to speak to you. Or he will start speaking to you, expecting you to be grateful enough to have 'sex"

It is hard to come to terms with (I am right in the thick of it too), but he doesn't respect you!

There has been no physical abuse With the understanding of emotional abuse as it is now, op... it doesn't have to be physical to be violent and it escalates. When I talk to DV experts, I am always told "it isn't violent... YET" because EA usually always escalates into physical.

the dry humping etc were all phases over the last few years. He doesn’t do it any more.

No, because he knows that he will get the "real thing" regularly because he coerced you into a "timetable"

[username501]

That's because you're not looking at your local services OP, WA have smaller offices all over the UK. You'd be better off contacting your local one rather than waiting five days with an email.

I can also assure you, that local services - which you can find on your council website, will be just as good and easier to get hold off.

Do a quick search: Domestic Abuse services Westminster or wherever you live and what's available will come up.

[username501]

I just want to add to the above post, yes abuse always escalates. Second, sexual assault and rape are physical acts of violence. Just because the OP isn't covered in bruises, doesn't mean the abuse isn't physical.

Abuse is used in order to maintain power and control. Some abusers can keep you in line with a glance. It's once you start making moves to get out of the relationship or start standing your ground, and they realise that they're losing control that abuse tends to escalate.

That's why you're always advised not to tell an abuser you're leaving or planning on leaving because you could be risking your life.

[Sixeight]

I've just spoken to a local women's aid person who said most of what you guys have said here. She suggested looking into the freedom programme, which ill do.

She also suggested asking doctor tomorrow if she could arrange some mediation because, despite what a lot of you are saying, he is a good person and doesn't deserve to be hung out to dry as and abuser when he could well have just not been reading body language (aspergers) and feels rejected and unwanted himself. I'd like him to understand what he's done and see what his reaction is. If nothing else, so that if I decide to leave, it is justified and not just because I'm uncaring, uncommunicative and frigid

But I can't tell him that, he'll not understand it from me, hence mediation. Maybe. I'll see what the doctor says.

Thank you for all of your help, I am very upset but at least I'm facing it head on now.

[MuserOwl]

You haven't blown it out of proportion.

He wants to get more sex by training you not to say no to him, he's not trying to get more sex by being a better man or working on the connection.

He sounds an entitled controlling abusive arsehole.

If you ''caved'' in and had sex just so that he spoke to you again, you'd end up feeling so eroded.

[differentnameforthis]

You haven't blown this out of proportion, and I bet you haven't been 100% honest with woman's aid either (no judgement)

My H is also more than likely on the spectrum, but that isn't to blame for his abuse. He is abusive, regardless of what others think/say abuse does not go hand in hand with ASD..

Those feeling unwanted DO NOT coerce their partners into a sex contract, then sulk if it isn't fulfilled.