Seriously, is this a thing??

[Querying]

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? )

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

We share a lot of the same values.

Not tidiness. Was it clean?

[FusionChefGeoff]

One of the things I really loved about DH in that early stage was what an incredible effort he made to tidy / clean his room before I visited. Looking back now I appreciate it even more as I know what his natural habitat is like!!!!

But his room would be spotless every time.

If he can't even be arsed to straighten the rug and open the curtains I'd be cutting my losses.

[MashedSpud]

Best to keep in mind if things progressed and you lived together, he would still be the same.

[Iamthewombat]

Yes, if you invite somebody over, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, of course you make the effort.

What is his deal? Is he going for the “I’m so busy and important that I haven’t got time to be tidy or clean” vibe? If so, he is an arse. Imagine a woman inviting a new boyfriend to a dirty, untidy, smelly house. As if!

Realise that you will end up being his cleaner if you pursue a relationship with him.

[Querying]

38AnneLovesGilbert nope that's definitely one we don't share!

It could have been a lot cleaner, I'll be honest!

[EyUpDuck12]

Curtains not properly open, rug not straight, a picture not yet hung... no milk in fridge belonging to someone who doesn't drink the stuff....
How is this "an absolute tip"
? Either you haven't described the mess, or if this is an absolute tip to you, I'm glad I don't live with you.

[frazzledasarock]

Well, if you decide to continue the relationship and move in together at some point in the future. You know who’ll be the house elf doing all the cleaning and tidying. Not him.

[CodenameVillanelle]

It doesn't sound bad to be honest
Curtains not open - so? Pictures not hung, rug wonky, so? Why would you expect him to buy milk that he won't use just for you to have a cup of tea?
What else was wrong?

[CoffeeCoinneseur]

These are his 'making an effort' standards.

Great that you've seen this so soon, you can decide from the off whether this is something you find acceptable.

If you proceed you're doing so with eyes wide open in the full knowledge that if you ever move in together this is the best he'll ever do and you'll likely end up taking full responsibility for cleaning and tidying.

[ILikePaperHats]

Doesn't sound that bad the way you described it. What was the kitchen and bathroom like? And had he made his bed?

[BlueHarry]

Was it just the things you said, like pictures not hung, curtains not opened properly and no milk, or was it an absolute tip? The milk thing was probably inconsiderate but if you don't usually drink something it's easy to forget to buy it.

[Careersytype]

Why would you expect him to buy milk that he won't use just for you to have a cup of tea?
Very very basic, low bar hospitality? Thoughtfulness? A solute basics

[wildcherries]

That would turn me off so quick. Which is probably why I'm single. But I agree. There's a difference between clutter and nor clean. But I would be turned off by the no effort so early on.

[colinsleftnipple]

Sounds like the state of my DH when we first met. There was artex with cobwebs all over it as well.

He just didn't see it. He claimed the place was functional.

I decided he was worth overlooking it for.

He still doesn't see cobwebs but I do and he'll clean on direction!

[Querying]

42Iamthewombat. I had thought that. I wondered whether the fact he hadn't bothered to clean was a sign arrogance?

Or, perhaps, he had cleaned and what I witnessed was the end result!

[Wouldithelp]

Do you know he's telling the truth about his job? Or could he really be a bum? Everyone has their quirks, I suppose, but I agree, even I would make an effort.

[PixieRabbit]

Doesn’t sound great.

[Querying]

43EyUpDuck12, hence me asking, am I being too judgemental?

[MarthasGinYard]

Dp was like this despite being a high flying professional in his 40's he lived in what I used to call the 'student squat'

I never stayed the night there.


He would live pretty much like that now if he could. Shitty clutter everywhere

[frazzledasarock]

When I first visited DP’s flat, his flat was a ‘work in progress’ he was doing it up, had been for seven years! Worse room was the bathroom.

He was so upset that I was disgusted by his flat that he actually did up the bathroom before he next invited me down, took him a month but it was gorgeous.

He also always had fresh milk and a small bag of sugar and a box of tea in when I visited, despite him never drinking tea or milk or taking sugar in anything.

I’ve got lots of friends who make sure they have tea and milk in if I’m visiting. Even if they don’t normally drink tea or milk. It’s just hospitable isn’t it?

[Querying]

45CodenameVillanelle, not being pedantic; one curtain was open, the other wasn't.

[Rosehip345]

Well at least you’ve seen his standards early in...now you get to decide whether you can live like that or take on the cleaning duties early enough to not really be invested

[Querying]

47ILikePaperHats, I did not visit the bathroom or kitchen. His bedroom? I have noooo idea!

[conduitoffortune]

I didn't go on any further dates with one man recently after going to his house. It was the bigging himself up that he had done beforehand (uninvited bigging up) that pissed me off. Why do that, it makes no sense! That, along with the piles of empty cardboard boxes that had been there for weeks and would have taken seconds to throw in the recycle bin. Oh, and the fact he blamed most of the mess on his ex wife, who had moved out 2 years before 😀

[Downunderduchess]

Perhaps he views it as just a place, not a home as such? The things you describe are slightly messy but don’t say dump to me. And I like my home to be neat, so it’s not like I could live like this myself, however, I recognise not everyone feels the same way. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker, if he was considerate, kind & lots of other lovely qualities.