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Original poster

Seriously, is this a thing??

277 replies

Querying · 15/02/2020 22:36

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? Grin)

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

OP posts:
amaryl · 15/02/2020 23:12

What you describe does not make it a tip?
A rug/curtains and some pictures?

Original poster
Querying · 15/02/2020 23:12

What I will say about myself, is that growing up, everything had to be tidy. We had two cleaners and life was about 'show and tell', which I hated. Especially as a kid, who wants that?

The way my parents were (in my opinion) was over the top and, unfortunately, I think that has rubbed off on me.

I am tidy, and things have their place. But I guess it's superficial tidiness which stems from childhood, and everything needing to be 'perfect'.

(Love my parents, by the way Smile)

OP posts:
EuroMillionsWinner · 15/02/2020 23:13

I posted this on another thread but it bears repeating here. Whenever you feel that twinge, that little ripple of 'this is off/not good/etc', you BIN. No second chances, no doubting yourself, no mistrusting yourself. This is your instinct, your internal being, telling you the truth of the matter to protect you and with your best interests at heart. ALWAYS trust this, it is trusting yourself. You are not overreacting or being sensitive to trust yourself.

One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

I learned the hard way that this speaks volumes. All you have to do is spend time in this topic and you will see exactly what happens to people who overlook this and go on to a live in relationship/kids.

This doesn't get better. It gets worse.

This person fundamentally doesn't consider basic adulting is something he should be doing.

Bellyfullofbiscuits · 15/02/2020 23:13

It is a massive no from me. In your gut , you know it is is too. You are wanting to be talked out of it.. It is important otherwise you wouldn't ask. To you it is .. and you are questioning it.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2020 23:15

A picture that hasn't been put up yet and a rug not straightened on his way out. It's hardly a sink-full of a week's dirty dishes and smelly sheets.

You seem to place high value on outward appearances - the idea that his home should reflect his professional status. So I would say this is probably a case of your values not aligning, rather than one of mess per se.

Original poster
Querying · 15/02/2020 23:17

57frazzledasarock how did he know you were disgusted? Did you tell him?

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 15/02/2020 23:24

I know someone who didn't own a bed until he got a girlfriend.

OntheWaves40 · 15/02/2020 23:27

Maybe he deliberately only half opened the curtains to try to create a mood? Maybe the pictures are waiting to be hung because he plans to redecorate soon. Maybe he kicked the rug on way to answering door. I’d be more interested if kitchen and bathroom were clean.
Not buying milk is inconsiderate though, then again my DP doesn’t either.

turnandfacethenamechange · 15/02/2020 23:27

His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif

Wtf?? That doth not a tip make!

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 15/02/2020 23:27

I did not visit the bathroom or kitchen

Well that woul be the way to measure his cleanliness. Unhung pictures-I’ve got several to hang, we moved 2 years ago, we are mid 40’s. We have bigger things that need doing first. Half drawn curtain? We have 2 windows that need us to draw half a curtain on each or else we get blinding sun in our eye when sitting on the sofa on one side and glare on the tv on the other side.

If he doesn’t do hot drinks I don’t blame him not having milk tbh as why couldn’t you either have it black or not be bothered about not having a drink rather than him having a pint that a dash of milk would be used out of then thrown away?

He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that
You are right in your op, this IS where you are judging. What do you do and how do you honestly feel he would judge your abode?

growing up, everything had to be tidy. We had two cleaners
Well then I’m guessing this has a lot to answer for. A hallway rug that’s a little skewiff, a few pictures that need hanging and no milk are very different to thick layers of dust, muddy footprints on the carpet an mold in the fridge so maybe your expectations are different to the average person? Ultimately it depends on what you are happy to accept and it doesn’t sound like this guy is it?

dodgeballchamp · 15/02/2020 23:29

Doesn’t sound like a tip. Wouldn’t bother me, in fact I probably wouldn’t even notice the things you’ve mentioned, but you’re entitled to stop dating someone for whatever reason you want

Friendsofmine · 15/02/2020 23:32

I don't drink milk so I don't buy it either as I think it's awful to buy a pint and waste it just for one cup of tea. It's not like bread that I also don't eat but can freeze.

Surely the pictures could have been new?

I have just moved and have had a lot going on in my life. My place doesn't look great either!

I would wait and see if this was a one off?

Original poster
Querying · 15/02/2020 23:33

I really appreciate your honest answers. And the advice Smile

OP posts:
Judystilldreamsofhorses · 15/02/2020 23:38

Years ago I dated a guy who was in his late 30s, and owned his own house. It was clean and tidy, but despite the fact he’d lived there for five years, he had not a single picture on the walls, or any sort of ornament or decoration, not even a clock. All his furniture came from a dead relative’s house, including the single bed he slept in. He had a really good job, earning a lot of money, so obviously didn’t care, but I found it very odd. The night I went there was the last date - he also told me that was the first time he had ever cooked in the house. Nothing wrong with any of it, it just showed he wasn’t a good fit for me.

Original poster
Querying · 15/02/2020 23:41

13EuroMillionsWinner, what if I was just shocked by the messiness because of how I've been brought up, and he's a decent bloke? Genuine question

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 15/02/2020 23:41

Any chance he’s on the spectrum, do you think? I know someone with a good job and who dresses ok etc, but the first time I went to his house, I was horrified - and I’m no hot shot hausfrau, let me say! But I think he’s got ASD and that that may explain it.

Original poster
Querying · 15/02/2020 23:42

38Judystilldreamsofhorses, yes. Perhaps that is all it is. I guess the right person for him wouldn't care/notice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Querying · 15/02/2020 23:44

41StrawberryJam200, he has told me he has dyslexia.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 15/02/2020 23:44

Don’t date a slob.

Eww.

EuroMillionsWinner · 15/02/2020 23:47

You're trying to talk yourself out of it, Querying. It's your life. He's a slob. You can couch out however you want, make any excuse for it you want, but if you pursue a relationship you do with your eyes open.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2020 23:48

Couldn't the curtain be because sunlight gets into his eyes from that window, at some times of day, so the curtain is part-closed to block it? Sounds like part of the purpose of having curtains to me.

madcatladyforever · 15/02/2020 23:49

I couldn't cope with that. I've had a gut full of dirty men and the filth they live in.
Ido like to go out with a responsible adult.
He probably invited you over hoping you would clean his place.

JoyceDivision · 15/02/2020 23:50

Oh gosh you would have passed out at the sight of my dh's house when we started dating!

No central heating
No double glazing
No carpets / flooring on the bare floor
Handmade unfinished kitchen area
Bathroom painted lime green, half tiled round bath with little paintings of Japanese waves on them
Bed a tip
Wardrobe was a clothes rail
Painted hallway navy, no carpets in stairs so the strips with tacks in shredded your feet

Once we got serious he took out a loan and turned it around. To him it was a base, not a home to make cosy and pretty buti once I started to stay over he became increasingly embarrassed and sorted it out.

Many, many of his friends said I was close to sainthood for putting up with it Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2020 23:54

It's not that the right person for him wouldn't notice or care, it's that they wouldn't think it was paramount or intractable, necessarily. More context and evidence needed perhaps.

This is why I think it's about values. Maintaining outward appearances and correlating these with status, is a very important value to you, not to him. Whether or not he might tidy up his act as an act of thoughtfulness for someone else and their sensibilities is beside this point. It's not about tidiness, it's about the desire to project status through appearances.

eaglejulesk · 15/02/2020 23:54

It doesn't sound like a tip to me, and wouldn't bother me. Some people just aren't into tidying, and that's fine - their place, their rules. I would probably buy some milk if I knew someone was coming, but having done that in the past it seems wasteful when the rest just gets thrown away. I really think you have been influenced a lot by the way you grew up and the standards in your family. However, only you know if the way he lives is going a affect your relationship, so go with your gut instinct. I would rate kindness and caring above tidiness myself.