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Original poster

Seriously, is this a thing??

277 replies

Querying · 15/02/2020 22:36

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? Grin)

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/02/2020 10:55

I don't think she said he lived like s pig.

Everyone's house smells. It's just you don't smell it. Other people can.

I can't say a wonky rug, one unopened curtain, an unhung picture, and forgetting to get milk, would have me all bothered. However we are all different.

Is the main issue here op that you wanted him to make an effort for you, treat you like a special guest, and he did not?

ChristmasFluff · 16/02/2020 11:04

firstly, I'm quite shocked at the clutter scale, because I found number 2 unacceptable, and I consider myself a fairly laid-back person so far as housework goes.

OP, just imagine you let people tell you that you are too exacting. Suppose you marry this man. You are looking at the rest of your life having to do all the housework, because he will never meet your standards, and he will never see the point.

There are so many threads on mumsnet about men who don't pull their weight, and the way it kills the love and causes resentment.

Having lived with many people (in many relationships from house-share to married) I would say that shared views on housework and cleanliness is a major thing, not the minor thing people are making out in this thread.

If you couldn't live in his room, dump him. If you could, crack on.

Riverviews · 16/02/2020 11:22

Some people are simply not tidy or have other priorities. That's where cleaners or housekeepers play a role.

Except for the smell, what you've described would not bother me too much from someone I really fancied. There's a solution to mess

lottiegarbanzo · 16/02/2020 11:30

There's a world of difference between someone who doesn't care about their bachelor flat but is amenable to doing things differently when co-habiting with someone who does care and, someone who isn't.

The difference is not visible in their flat, it's about their willingness to change to accommodate and please someone else, who they care about much more than their desire to be lazy or messy.

All those hopeless threads on here are from people living with men who prioritise their own laziness over their partners' quality of life. Not the other kind, who have learned new habits.

74NewStreet · 16/02/2020 11:31

How could it possibly be a “thing”?

NearlyGranny · 16/02/2020 11:41

A manly smell in a would-be love interest's flat would need to be composed of beeswax and turpentine furniture polish, freshly brewing coffee and just a hint of something he's wearing from Penhaligon's or, at a pinch, Chanel.

Not stale sweat, Lynx and old trainers.

NearlyGranny · 16/02/2020 11:44

I wonder if it was a test to see whether OP was 'the one' who would straighten the rug and arrange the curtains before popping out to buy. a battery of cleaning products, rubber gloves and her own milk?

Now that could be a thing!

StarlightLady · 16/02/2020 11:45

I would walk away. I don’t think there should be a difference between the genders here.

Most people make an effort if they have someone coming over.

74NewStreet · 16/02/2020 11:49

Walk away because the rug wasn’t straight? Grin. He’d be well shot of you, Starlight

iPlod1 · 16/02/2020 12:07

Oh no that would drive me to distraction, but i am a bit of a neat freak! I think you may need to accept that if you move in together you’ll either be doing most of the housekeeping or you’ll need to get a cleaner. Not a deal breaker though, surely?

MaeveDidIt · 16/02/2020 12:20

I don't think you're wrong to question it at all - personally I would have been very thrown by his total lack of effort too.
Not thinking to buy some milk in for you was thoughtless and in my opinion shows he's quite an ignorant guy.

5LeafClover · 16/02/2020 13:01

I had this experience and made the mistake of ignoring it.

he didn't make an effort on your first visit, he never will

This is exactly how it played out, with a side order of 'why should you get to decide my standards: and a strong underlying conviction that I should be responsible for the housework anyway.

Run or risk spending years correcting and/ or living with the difference between his idea of acceptable and yours.

Original poster
Querying · 16/02/2020 13:02

Have you considered that what you considered a tip(it wasn't) was actually him making an effort?

Yes. I did say in my original post, is it me or is he actually making the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Querying · 16/02/2020 13:04

Is the main issue here op that you wanted him to make an effort for you, treat you like a special guest, and he did not?

Yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Querying · 16/02/2020 13:10

I wonder if it was a test to see whether OP was 'the one' who would straighten the rug and arrange the curtains before popping out to buy. a battery of cleaning products, rubber gloves and her own milk?

Well, I'd gone around in the afternoon for, presumably, a cuppa. That's the bit that I found baffling. Especially as, when I had spoken to him earlier on, he was on his way to the shops.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 16/02/2020 13:12

I wouldn't see him again.

He made no effort and the smell would be a deal breaker.
I would be frightened to see the toilet.

You did mention his age, but someone who lives like that hasn't grown up and has no self-respect.

I'd be afraid he'd become a shower dodger and one who never bruses their teeth. They'd expect you to be mum and clean up after them all the time. No thank. you I prefer a man.

I have a single adult son and his flat is always clean and tidy. He was taught these things growing up.

opticaldelusion · 16/02/2020 13:13

This is hilarious. A wonky rug? Literally who gives a fuck?

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 13:36

but someone who lives like that hasn't grown up and has no self-respect.

Like what? With a wonky rug,one curtain drawn and a few pics not put up?
Seriously?

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 13:40

Yes. I did say in my original post, is it me or is he actually making the effort.

You can only tell by visiting more,seeing the state of the other rooms or dropping by with 5 minute notice.

Do you like him? Do you want to continue a relationship with him? Can you cope with his "messy" habits? No judgement if you can't, better to drop it now than waste even more time and end up to the same conclusion because you wouldn't be compatible living together.

Poorolddaddypig · 16/02/2020 13:45

Omg a skewiff (sp?) rug and slightly closed curtains wouldn’t bother me in the slightest! Nor would a yet-to-be-hung picture. These things literally wouldn’t even occur to me as issues.

PinkFluff2 · 16/02/2020 13:45

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all here. If ANYONE is coming to my house I make sure it is tidy, even if it's only my mum or if I know a workman is coming. There's no way I would let a potential love interest come to my house and not even bother to tidy up or make sure the house is clean.

That would put me off entirely. And although you're not saying it was pure filth or filled to the roof with rubbish, how much effort would it have taken to open the curtains or put the rug straight? Next to no effort at all, and that's the point. The thought hasn't gone through his mind.

Poorolddaddypig · 16/02/2020 13:47

It’s posts like this that make me believe that every overly uptight high maintainance person in the UK is on Mumsnet Grin

Original poster
Querying · 16/02/2020 13:52

45PinkFluff2

That is it.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 16/02/2020 13:54

Perhaps the fella is so busy with work/career he’s never bothered about his home environment enough for it to bother him.

Yes known a few like that their usally very attractive to women as they seem to have millions of squids in the bank;! Most all women tend to overk look their odd ecentricities somehow, maybe its becasue they never ever have to worry about money perhaps;???

Bit like that here i just don't notice a bit of clobber around the housekeeper grumbles a bit but too bad.

But from time to time its all cleared out and onto the great next project:)

I've know some women to live in almost squalor oddley enough the worst ones are in our rented places, nurses are among the worst you would not want to know what was found under ones bed when she moved out the detrius was grim!

But I think our OP was more concerned that her man to be didnt make an effort, well i think he's take him or leave him he is what he is. Might be a bit messy but OTOH he may not be abusive, gaslight you, and the other host of horrrers we read about almost every day!

Well my new GF hasnt comlained she does get taken to the best places, and one day if it all works out, she won't go short for a roof over her head, money in the bank and love:)

Straycatstrut · 16/02/2020 14:13

I think he might have tided up but just not to your standard. I can't stand mess and that's rubbing off on my 7yo who has started to shout at his 3yo brother for getting his duplo and trains everywhere! I'm trying to relax a bit more with it! I don't want them growing up obsessing over a bit of mess. (Not saying you do that OP, I do though!)

If I was to live with someone there would have to be a compromise. Not spotless, not gleaming, not every rug and picture straight but clear and clean floors and surfaces and fresh smelling (as possible!)

and MILK! definitely always milk.