Seriously, is this a thing??

[Querying]

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? )

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

If he didn't make an effort on your first visit, he never will. This would be a deal breaker for me.

I hated the fact that my mother was so critical. In fact the interaction with my mother, from childhood and onwards, could be summed up as "She never really saw me, just saw how presentable I was

If you have problems with your mother , I'd say that you would need to deal with those separately. Don't tell yourself that she was judgmental and you hated it, so therefore you should just accept this man's messiness and love him despite it. The fact is that he knew you were coming and he made no effort at all. I'd bin him and move on.

I would walk away now. A dirty scruffy home indicates infantile behaviour to me and I can't bear grown men behaving like students or as if they are hoping their Mum will pop around. Such a turn off.

Where was it on the clutter scale?

would you expect him to buy milk that he won't use just for you to have a cup of tea?

Its just bsic manners if you have someone coming round that takes milk in their tea/coffee! You only need to buy a pint its not going to bankrupt him!
Would you invite someone round and not offer them a drink the whole time they were there?

Love the clutter scale

TimeForPlentyIn2020: 2 or 3.

If it's a 2 or a 3 but it's clean YABU. If it stank though it's not clean.

Well, for me personally, 3 or below would be acceptable in a man. I wouldn’t be impressed... but acceptable. But then I am not you and this is the kind of thing that could seriously bug you after a while.

To be honest, up to 5 would be OK if he were a great shag.

HairyString, his place did not smell nice.

Bad smell would bother me a lot more than clutter. It would make me wonder about his personal hygiene.

To be honest, up to 5 would be OK if he were a great shag.

I need to be seeing stars, not wonky rugs

Bad smell would bother me a lot more than clutter. It would make me wonder about his personal hygiene

As mentioned in my OP, it did smell. Manly. But as my friend says, he's a man, how else is he going to smell?

But it's not the kind of manly smell that would turn you on.

You are what you are and a product of your upbringing.

What you describe sounds unremarkable - a picture unhung (snap), one curtain drawn (snap) and no milk (snap).

Reading your posts, and if you were a friend of mine, I would not invite you over because of the Judginess

Could you not have drawn the curtains properly, and straightened the wonky rug, then you could have had a laugh about it, instead of posting about it on here. !

To be fair if the rug isnt lined up nice and straight i fail to see how you could ever have a meaningful relationship with this man.

Hmm, I'm wondering if he has newly moved in, hence the pictures lying by the side of the chair

There's more to this man than the squalor in which he lives. I know that when I lived on my own in a small flat I obsessively did a big clean once a week and was careful to clean anything necessary in between - bathroom and kitchen.

However - if I missed a week or even two, because of illness or whatever, I never caught up and in the end gave up. The place was a tip. I did manage to clean up before I left so the landlord could happily have viewers - after which I was so depressed I could barely get ready for work, never mind do housework.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is anything like me but wanted to point out there are many reasons, other than laziness or lack of know how, for someone to live in a tip.

He may well think he made an effort.

It's very early days in your relationship, nobody knows how it will pan out. If you enjoy his company and other things, why not keep it as it is for now; during that time you will learn a lot about each other. You may or may not stay together in the end but it won't have been a bad experience.

A wonky rug, an unstraight curtain and an unhung picture?!

Do you seriously open your curtains and perfect arrange them?
Do you move your rugs every single time someone walks on them?
Do you bring a painting home and hang it as soon as you have walked in the door?

A few things out of place, OP, it's his home not a showhome - the rug may move everytime he walks on it, the pictures may have been left out to remind him to make time to hang them up, the curtain may have been like that to prevent the sun getting in his eyes.
Is his body clean? is he well groomed, what about his clothes?

You went to see him but his flat. Your very judgmental or snobby.

Hmm, I'm wondering if he has newly moved in, hence the pictures lying by the side of the chair

Or, you know, has recently bought some pictures and not yet put them up

I'm not a tidy human.
But if I was inviting someone I had recently started going out with to my home, I would make an effort to tidy and clean - not to unrealistic levels, but to socially acceptable standards at least!
I have had "surprise" visitors, who have caught me out when things haven't been great, but anyone I wanted to think well of me, I would have made a lot more effort than it seems this bloke went to.

I wouldn't be happy with the level of mess you've described - it would suggest to me that he's unable to look after himself and his place appropriately, and that he's looking for someone to take over and do it for him. This would not be me, so I would let this one go BUT I would also tell him why.

I've looked at those clutter scales and am quite surprised that I only rate between 1 and 2 on the living space, and between 2 and 3 on the bedroom space. I'm also staggered the level of "clutter" that some people could live with, although I know someone who has been at level 7 before now, at least in a couple of rooms!

Smell. Absolute deal-breaker.

Speaks of long-term neglect, and worrying issues below the surface (mould? Fungi? No airing? Grotty bedsheet replacement strategy?).

Sorry, I’m not someone who believes that if you’re young, old, busy or a menz then you get special dispensation for grottiness.

Anyone who can ignore a stinky living space isn’t likely to put much energy into personal hygiene, household maintenance, or a lot of other stuff. Not very family oriented either, I’d presume, given that ones relatives usually comment and embarrass one into lifting the standard. At least, in normal families.

I think you’re right to feel the ‘ick’. Long-term ick is a huge problem.