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Some Friendly Words - Support Group

(403 Posts)
ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Sun 02-Feb-20 19:34:50

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

SoTiredTonight Sun 02-Feb-20 19:57:22

Evening ladies, I think I’ll take this comfy brown leather sofa with turquoise cushions here in the corner. Cheers to you all and good to be here with you! wine xxx

SuperbMonkey Sun 02-Feb-20 20:10:38

Mine’s a soft, squashy, sofa with lots of cushions and a g & t by my side. Cheers gin xx

Tinydancer123 Sun 02-Feb-20 21:16:50

Mine is a big comfy chair with a throw wrapped around me and a glass of red .
How are you all ?

SoTiredTonight Sun 02-Feb-20 21:26:42

Oh @Tiny, I’m gonna grab myself a throw too! grin
I haven’t felt too bad overall today which is nice. Less stressed somehow, not sure why. But I’m happy while it lasts! wink
What about you and everyone else? xxx

ThelmaAndLouise2020 Sun 02-Feb-20 21:27:06

Ooh lovely, thanks Bunnies! I'll stick a log on the log burner for us then settle down with my chamomile tea on one of those cosy sofas. Good to be with you all in our new space smile

Bigpooh13 Sun 02-Feb-20 21:35:30

How lovely . I'm sinking into the sofa with my cup of tea.
Sounds like we all in the same vibe again.
After wanting to be friends there is no contact at all. I'm thinking" the heap " has intervened.
Had another nightmare last night . Though they had stopped and the crying was bad yesterday. But today has been better.
Let's have a nice sleep tonight bunnies after our cozy chat in our snug.

caketimeisover Sun 02-Feb-20 22:19:10

Hello in this lovely new space! Crap telly and a glass (or two) of wine here. My kid free weekend has consisted mostly of crying, didn't do a very good job of planning things to do - need to try harder next time. But they're home now so feeling much better. Have a good evening all xxx

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Sun 02-Feb-20 23:40:57

Ooh, yes, nice snuggly throw is an excellent idea! Nice purple sofa which is squishy but not so soft I can't heave myself out of it! And lashings of cushions.

Soft, warm and comfortable with lovely company is definitely the way to go. Cheers all.

Glad you are feeling less stressed, SoTired and BigPooh that today was better.

I hope we all have the lovely peaceful sleep we deserve, and a brighter week.

SoTiredTonight Mon 03-Feb-20 00:19:46

I‘m enjoying our new space already, it feels homely! smile
Sorry to hear about your nightmares @Bigpooh13. Do you generally sleep well apart from those, or do you find sleep difficult too? Hope you get a better night tonight!
And @caketimeisover, poor you, that doesn’t sound nice at all! sad

SoTiredTonight Mon 03-Feb-20 00:28:01

I didn’t mean to post just yet!!!
Meant to say that I’m not good with too much time on my own, unless I have something to do that really keeps my mind busy. I would tend to slump during those times too. Glad you’re feeling better now that DCs are home! smile
And @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, thank you again for starting the first thread and for finding this comfy new home for us. It really feels like a circle of friends here.
@SuperbMonkey, @ThelmaAndLouise2020 and @Tinydancer123, and anyone else who’s here, hope you have a peaceful night and only sweet dreams! xxx

Stillfunny Mon 03-Feb-20 05:45:44

Mine is a chaise longue with a cashmere throw.

Debis Mon 03-Feb-20 11:51:16

Hi every new to the site. Feeling low and crying a lot. Hi has left me says he doesn’t love me anymore. Don’t know if he has met somebody else. He has completely cut me off and so cold and cruel.. I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago and ended up in a crisis house having therapy and counselling but back home now and he hasn’t even contacted me. he just doesn’t care feel like my marriage meant nothing after 15 years together

Bigpooh13 Mon 03-Feb-20 11:52:45

@sotiredtonight. I dont sleep at all. I'm on sleeping pills but think I have got used to them. But last night was so much better. Feel better for it. Currently sat waiting in the Citizens Advice bureau to see if they can offer any financial help.
Morning to you all . Hope you have a gud day.

Tinydancer123 Mon 03-Feb-20 12:36:10

This is hell 😣😣😣😣😣

SuperbMonkey Mon 03-Feb-20 13:11:58

Hi everyone. I sense that some encouragement is needed! The throws, sofas, cushions, and alcohol aren’t working.

@Bigpooh13, the no contact is hard but will pay off as you get stronger. Nightmares are your brain processing what’s happened. They are horrible but necessary, as is the crying. Hang in there and distract yourself with job applications and frequent cups of tea and biscuits. Ask yourself ‘what have I done today to make me feel proud’, which @ThelmaAndLouise2020 will recognise as a runner’s theme tune. I’ve just seen that you are at CAB for advice. You are mighty. You have definitely done something today to make you feel proud.

@caketimeisover, put the stick you’re beating yourself with down immediately. You did brilliantly to get through the weekend without your kids. You will plan better next time, but perhaps you needed to grieve this time to make next time more comfortable.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, you have a good, appropriately boundary-filled week too. Thanks again for starting our cosy new thread.

@SoTiredTonight, the advantage of keeping yourself busy is that you get lots done, although it seems to take me twice as long to do anything. I spent ages this morning looking for something that I needed. I found it eventually but I was cursing the time wasted. My distractions need to be more organised. They are a bit random at present.

@Stillfunny, oh cashmere, how luxurious. I’m imagining you with a bone China tea cup and a lovely Belgian chocolate biscuit ...

@Debis, hi there. I’m so, so sorry for what you are going through. I completely understand the coldness and lack of care. Your breakdown sounds terrible. Have you got some ongoing support? What about friends, family. You will be thinking that you don’t want to be a burden but I promise you you won’t be. Feeling low and crying is normal so go with the flow. Do you have children? Your marriage was something to you and it will have meant something to him too. His behaviour is not your fault and you can’t control it. All you can do is control your reaction to it, but that is very difficult. Focus on you and what you can do to help yourself.

@Tinydancer123, you are in a slump but you are so strong. Warrior up!

@Wineisafruit, hope you’re ok too?

I’ll report on my CBT later once I have thought about it a little. I think I found it helpful (there’s homework which I like).

😀😀, stay strong 💪 xx

caketimeisover Mon 03-Feb-20 14:24:11

I'm hiding in the loos at work having a wobble. I don't really know how to cope with the fact I'm not a full time mum any more, that I have the hand over the kids and have all this time to myself that I don't even want. And he keeps asking for more. I've tried so hard not to dwell on stuff and say well what's happened has happened, it was his shitty behaviour, I can't control it so I've just got to do what's best for the kids. But what about me, how is any of this fair on me? I didn't ask for any of this and now I have to give up all this time with my kids. I wanted the kids and the big family, and having destroyed our marriage it feels like he's trying to take them away too. I feel like I'm not a proper mum any more, and just like such a failure.

thegrassisgreenernow Mon 03-Feb-20 14:30:42

Hi all and thank you very much for our new home @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies. Afraid I'm completely exhausted so I'll be here in my bed, with tons of pillows and a soft blanket.

It's all really hit me again this last couple of days - 3 months in, can't quite believe it.

I think we could do with someone to join us in our new pad who has been through this and come out the other side. It's hard feeling stronger for a few days then being hit by the horror all over again and being dragged back down. I need to believe that it will all pass eventually.

@Debis and @Tinydancer123 - sorry to be depressing. It IS much easier than in the early weeks in general, I promise, none of us could have survived in that terrible initial state for more than a few weeks. Just keep putting one foot infront of the other, eating and sleeping, that's all you have to do for now.

Debis Mon 03-Feb-20 14:47:25

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have a daughter from previous relationship who lives with me so need to keep going for her. It’s just the coldness and how he has changed so much I just never seen it coming and it has floored me.. I have just been food shop trying to keep busy but thoughts always go back to him wondering what he is doing and if he has met somebody else. It’s torture but feel like I have support from you guys.. thank you so much x

Bigpooh13 Mon 03-Feb-20 15:29:47

@Debis. You are bring really strong. It hurts so much. They all seemed to have changed into different person. We cant do anything about it and that hurts as well. Just day by day and let your emotions out.

SuperbMonkey Mon 03-Feb-20 17:09:22

@caketimeisover, it is sad that you are having a wobble, but understandable. None of this is fair on you. I don’t have kids so can’t imagine what you are going through. It seems that some people can behave appallingly and they still get whatever they want. You are very definitely a proper Mum because you have done and are doing the best for your children. He is a poor apology for a father.

@thegrassisgreenernow, it will all pass eventually but we will be different people from the people we were before. That’s not necessarily bad, but the change is painful. We will be wiser, stronger people, but not as trusting (speaking for myself). You are describing the rollercoaster of emotion. I suffer from that. It comes over me and I am trying just to go with it in the hope that it is helping me to heal.

@Debis, you are showing your daughter how to cope with difficult experiences with courage. That’s going to help her in the future. What Grass says is true - it does get easier but the first few weeks are horrendous. All you can do is plough on. I find that being treated like a hateful person when I didn’t have an affair or do anything other than build a happy relationship for 26 years is horrific. I can see that he is the one with the problem, not me, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Our divorce is going to be a nightmare and will have to worry about money for the rest of my life while he moves in with the ancient history of a girlfriend. I couldn’t do a food shop for a long time after he left. You really are doing well. I didn’t find out about the OW for 2 months after he left (I found emails, he denies an affair to protect himself and her). You might want to prepare yourself, although I really hope that I’m wrong.

@Bigpooh13, how did you get on at the CAB?

simply4help Mon 03-Feb-20 17:14:50

Hi Everyone
So good to see such a bond between women & a much needed one too
I was wondering today does anyone at all no someone who has actually got back with their XH & it worked out this seems to be very rare.
What makes a man (use the term loosely) in his late 60s just leave?
How warm the feeling is on here xx

Debis Mon 03-Feb-20 17:18:06

Just want it to stop hurting and being in my mind constantly. I love him so much and don’t know how I am going to be without him. Please say it gets easier x

SuperbMonkey Mon 03-Feb-20 17:25:30

@simply4help, welcome back. Mine won’t come back, but I wouldn’t have him back either. Adultery was always a dealbreaker for me, as was lying and dishonesty. I know I will never trust him again. He is not good enough to be with someone as honest and loving as me, and it looks like he never was. That’s sad but it’s the way it is. There may be stories of men (and I use that term loosely too) returning but I suspect that the marriages are quite a struggle. I don’t know though. Others may have different stories.

@Debis, I promise that it will get easier. You can do this!

Bigpooh13 Mon 03-Feb-20 17:36:34

I would not worry about wobbles I'm still having them I'm at nearly 6 months now. It's just very painful. I couldnt go food shopping until now without crying so that's why I think you are being strong.

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