Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@SoTiredTonight, thanks for the hugs and the elefriends link. I will have a look at that. Our situations do sound similar except that I haven’t seen my husband or spoken to him for months. It’s a very difficult situation. I feel anxious about having any discussions with him. We were sharing a bed a few months ago!! Respect to you for taking time out to read in bed 😀

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, you sound so strong and happy about your new role. I’m excited for you just reading about it. The childcare will work out ok. You are right to be cautious regarding your defences. I’ve received lots of information about my new role which I’ll be reading on Sunday when the weather is bad. Are you running tomorrow? I’m taking a new friend to parkrun and we plan breakfast afterwards.

@Bigpooh13
You sound strong today too. We will feel better at some point. It is going to take time and that’s what I don’t like. What you say about midlife crisis is true. And about being kinder to ourselves. And more selfish.

Friday night was my favourite night of the week, with the weekend ahead. I find it difficult. Tonight I am going to eat early and have an early night with a good book.

Love to all xx

@superbmonkey. Glad I sound strong. Wish I was, been sat crumpled up sobbing on the sofa.
I hate the weekends now we used to be out and about or at work together.

Only gud thing about weekends now are that he wont contact me or come around as shes not at work. So in that way I feel abit safer.
But that's me being stupid as he hasnt been to the house for a month.

@Bigpooh13, you are faking it to make it. I understand the ‘sobbing on the sofa’. I’m resisting the temptation. A book and a bath is required for me I think. x

Hi guys how are you all ?

@Bigpooh13 it is not you it is him. You are enough !! Please believe in yourself.

Super I am the same . On handover it was like strangers. Sat here now dazed.

Sat home alone . He dropped children off and there was no conversation it is like I do not exist !

@Tinydancer123, I’m sorry that that’s how it is. There’s no point trying to figure out why some men behave like this. It can’t be very helpful or reassuring for the children to see him behaving, let’s say rudely, to you. Immature, adolescent behaviour. You make sure that you sleep well.

xx

Very true reference trying to figure them out.

The sooner I process it is over the better.

How are you

OMG exh has asked if we can start spending some time together and see what happens! Just as I’m starting counselling to get my head straight he comes with this. Head all over the place as I want too, I miss him so much but can I trust him not to let us down again. Arghh! Just in a tailspin again with no idea what to do.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen Morning.

How long have you been split up ? Can you remind me of circumstances ?
How have you been with him ? Have you had contact ?
Here if you need to talk xxxx

30 year relationship. Been 5-6 months but distant much longer. I suspected emotional affair but he has always denied (let me believe various things though) he says this was down to his hurt. So so want things to be right but this last while has been so tough and hard I don’t think I could go through it for a second time. Heads just a mess, not sleeping or eating properly.
Hope others are doing better and let’s brace and self care for the weekend.

@caketimeisover thank you for advice the thread moves quickly.

Basically there has been domestic abuse not on a large scale but pushing , shoving , grabbing , kicking controlling behaviour humiluating me in front of others . Cheating and lies.

As a result I am angry very angry and often out of pure frustration I shout. I also do not feel passionate about him . I feel like a terrible mother and I have asked for us both to get help , he refused. I have said some terrible things and still do.

The most recent situation (.there have been many ) which has been ongoing for a year was with a women from the gym , lots of people were gossiping that there was something going on . I asked him for sake of children to remove himself. He refused and so did the women , as they had done nothing wrong ( other than flirt, which he later admitted she was flirting ) at the school gates (children go to same school)

A little boy at the school spoke to our littke boy and said your Daddy is leaving your mummy for x. There were quite a few other issues like them meeting with the children , her looking like ready for a nightout. Many people were talking and to add insult there was a rumour that on one of our break ups that they had all swung together 😣

As a mother of two I find this all quite horrififc and all I had asked was some respect. Last year was pretty awful. The gym bunny is just another layer to the sex thing which is pretty persistent and my items have been destroyed when I have said no.

Anyhow long story short he refused to cease gym classes and continued the fiassco. Added to him working two days (which I find unfair) a week a really unhealthy obsession with sex and the way he treats me . I have tried to keep going hopeful he would treat me nicely.

Sadly christmas came and went no love affection and we ended , as he does not want to get help and I do not want any physically contact due to his aggressive behaviour.

The situation with the children - he is welcome to see them but not in the family home. He is blackmailing me saying he will not take them to school etc if I do not allow him in. I am a very reasonable human but he makes me crazy I mean crazy. I am so so angry at him. I just need space and time with no contact for the sake of the kids.

Being the person he is he causes all the drama but is cold so cold and can come in here and make comments but have no emotion.

I just need a clean split /break.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen have you got children ?
I think perhaps some counselling may help ?. Not with the aim to take him back but to perhaps understand what the issues are ?
That way you can decide if it is worth another shot ?

Sorry for my long post x

@Tinydancer123 yes we have children and that makes it so much harder to decide, if it didn’t work it wouldn’t be just me crushed in the upheaval again. I am sorry your ex is such a tw*t, how much simpler would our lives be if a clean break and them ceasing to exist was a reality.
I am due to begin relationship counselling on my own and hope to work through my issues and hopefully have a clearer picture of what I want.
Take some time to do something just for you today, it’s sometimes so hard to find the time with kids isn’t it? X

@Tinydancer123 and @Emmerdaledramaqueen, just catching up with your chat. It’s so comforting to see women supporting women.

Emmerdale, it sounds as if you are thinking carefully about what your ex is proposing. A really good idea to have your own counselling before reaching any decisions.

Tiny, I don’t know what to say. You are describing a lot of abuse. I’m not surprised you are angry (and anger is good). He sounds horrible but he’s your horrible and that makes it hard to let go. I was talking to someone this morning about my horrible. The words came out of my mouth and the facts about his behaviour towards me were horrifying. Humiliation, disrespect, moodiness, abuse, cruelty. I would stay away from anyone who I saw behaving like that to another human being. Why did I think that it was ok for him to behave like that to me. I didn’t value myself highly enough, that’s why. I sold myself cheaply. No more.

On that note, off to do some tidying!

Xxxx

@superbmonkey. I dont think we realise at the time how bad they are treating us.
I adored him. Had no reason not to. No arguments, just the odd you pissing me off now from me.
I still cant get my head around the change in him and how he treats me now
I know I shouldn't listen to him but I do . I'm a sucker . I keep reminding myself hes gone and is only after a divorce.

You have been so strong on here and I amazed that he gave up on a wonderful caring person as yourself.
You help us all here with your amazing support. So sending some back at ya. 🤪

@Emmerdaledramaqueen . I too was married 30 years. Currently have to live with the bastard. I would say that it is OK to hear him out , but propose relationship counselling. I did attend and as therapist said that 30 years was worth a few weeks counselling . I agreed as at least I could say to myself and my adult DCs that I tried. Even in therapy my DH could not bring himself to come clean and I keep finding out more crap that he was at. He thought that all was OK and he could go back to treating me with indifference. Wrong . But I gave him an opportunity .And he messed it up. All the drama that followed is therefore totally on him and him alone.

Can you tell I am having a bitchy day?

@Bigpooh13, ah, thank you 😊. I adored mine too. That was an error of judgement!! Like you I had no reason not to until the last 3 months when I had every reason to but ignored it because I was coping with a bereavement. Often he was very pleasant and loving but all to make himself look good. Thank you for your kind words which help me feel valued. I’m not sure what the emoji means ... (I’m not brilliant with emojis). I am brilliant with the shredder and I have been shredding a load of stuff that I had thrown to one side. Feeling better for that.

@Stillfunny, you are bitchy here with dignity and that’s what matters. What you do and say in your home may be entirely different 🤭 In all the circumstances, I suspect that you are a very reasonable human being facing immense provocation. xx

Yep me too with the bereavement. Mum died a year ago whilst he had gone on holiday . He was sending me I love u n miss u texts left a valentine's card under my pillow. Paid for me and my friend to go to Milan for the weekend. 6 months later he gone. It's now 6 months since he left.
I'm feeling quite bitchy. Really wanna text him . But not .
I wonder if they are living a lie now .
It seems when we need them they cant cope because it's not all about them. I do think sometimes I wasnt probably fueling his ego enough . Unlike his old wife who apparently is absolutely besotted with him. He will love that.

Hi all, still following but tbh real life has caught up. I am so exhausted every day I am just falling into bed. My home life circumstances have changed dramatically with a family member and extra children staying. I don't have time for myself. In the plus side I also dont have time to think of wankbadger as well who because I have become distant now thinks I have someone else of the irony lol. I hope all you strong warrior women are still fighting remember everyday past d day is one step closer to us being happy.
Welcome to all the newbies, sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation, but you have found the right place to rant and rave and celebrate the little successes

I hope you all have a good evening.
I know it will be hard but try to enjoy something we must not let them destroy us.

I am so sorry for the breavement we had lost someone too. It is so hard when someone has died and then you also have the loss of somene whom is alive. It is so hard to deal with it all at once. Time ladies time and I know that is no help right now. Each day makes us stronger.

@SuperbMonkey that is so true reference selling ourselves cheaply !! We seem to all do it.

He was not all bad because I would not have had children with him or loved him. Perhaps the bad now sadly outweighs the good . However he was like you say my pain in the arse and I prided myself in how much I loved him and our family. I was private and would forgive and fight for him.

Now here I am sharing my problems with mumsnet.

Love to all

Hi all. Been reading but keeping quiet. However, have found out today there is someone else. What a prick. Who does that to their 5 month old and 4 year old? Strangely, feel relief. It’s out of my hands now. I can move on and make a new life for my children. He can crack on with his new ‘spark’. What a fucking cliche.

Hi everyone. I’ve had a lovely quiet evening and am feeling a bit more zen. The shredding made a difference. I cooked a meal that I wanted to eat with as much love for myself as I would have done if cooking for others. I painted my nails for the first time in ages. Now tucked up in bed with my favourite bedding with an Ian Rankin novel.

It does seem quite common for a family bereavement to encourage certain weaker characters to leave. Not sure I draw any conclusions from that.

@Bigpooh13, I hope you didn’t text him! If I’m tempted, which I’m not, I imagine him sniggering and smirking and choose not to give him the satisfaction. He and his old wife deserve each other, and not in a good way. It won’t end well.

@Jacteller, good to hear from you again. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with more family issues. I giggled at the idea that he thinks you have someone else because your attention isn’t focused on him. That is ironic. It’s all about him for him, isn’t it.

@Tinydancer123, you are sounding really positive in spite of everything. It’s true that they showed us their good side. Sadly, for me, the discard behaviour outweighs the good. Decent people just don’t treat other humans like that.

@Wineisafruit, yes, another cliche. I am sorry that you have found this out. They tend to be very predictable in their behaviour in spite of the fact that they believe themselves to be so special. Just look after yourself and the children. Have you moved into a new place yet?

Sleep well everyone. Here’s to tomorrow (and hoping the storm leaves us all in one piece). Xx

Real life's also left me exhausted, although not with anything as stressful as you have, Jac - I do hope you get to carve a little time out for yourself.

Welcome to those who have sadly joined us - lots of love and support here, so do choose a squishy sofa and let the warmth give you comfort.

I am sorry for those joining me in a down time, but so glad to see some positive updates too - Superb and Bigpooh you both rock - you are bringing much inspiration.

I am just so tired of the constant weirdness, mixed messages and cluelessness of my wankbadger. His twattiness has managed to hurt dd now, so I am raging as well as miserable and knackered.

Realised I've allowed things to get blurry, and need to create some boundaries, so sent him a very matter of fact email outlining the situation and what I expect from him, which I am proud of, but just feel drained.

Lord knows when I'll get a response, but he's wanting to sort some practical stuff out, so will need to eventually. At this moment I wish he would take a job in the Andes, with no means of communication for, ooh, I don't know, at least a couple of years.

And the utter bastardy is that despite everything, I can't yet get rid of the love I feel. I know they say the heart wants what the heart wants, but I am ashamed my heart shows so little judgement. Pah.

xxx

I'm reading but not keeping on top of posting at the moment. Hope you're all ok.

@Wineisafruit I'm so sorry. Your story gets to me particularly as my kids are tiny too (ex first tried to leave when they were 6 years, 4 years and 7 months old, eventually confessed to 15 month affair and walked out when youngest was 11 months). My ex was texting OW the day I gave birth, meeting her for sex when youngest was 2 weeks old... Fine, marriages fail, but to not even try? To do this when there are tiny children involved? When your wife had just given birth, is looking after a newborn plus other kids, to just not give a shit about her as a human being, let alone your partner?? Honestly, these fuckers are dead inside.

I'm 4 months in, filed for divorce quickly so have decree nisi and hoping next mediation session will be the last one and we can just get this over with. It's horrendous but the kids are coping well, and I take to mean that I must be doing something right. DM me if I can help. Massive hug.

xxx

@caketimeisover I feel like we are kindred spirits in this. It’s the not caring for me even as a human being that fucking kills me. I will be meeting a solicitor on Monday and going from there. I want it done immediately.
I read earlier on here somewhere that the opposite to love isn’t hate but indifference and that is what I shall be showing.
I’m not living in the house but have told him I want him out of MY house by lunchtime tomorrow. He isn’t setting it up as some shag pad where he can come go as he pleases whilst I feed his daughter every two hours day and night. Fuck that.
I am in the same area career wise as him and will be ensuring everyone knows what he has been doing. He has a massive god complex and little man syndrome. Together they create the perfect shit storm that has created this mess. But I will be better off.
I’ve got my fight and need to use it.

@caketimeisover I should say, I’m also sorry you’re going through this too. I really am feeling your pain. I bet you’re doing a fantastic job with your children. We are better people than they could ever wish to be.