Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@SuperbMonkey I understand perfectly what you say
after almost 50yrs together & desperatley wish he hadn't gone
the insurmountable horrific lies he has told about me the callous behaviour of not even a call after all our life spent together has also shown me what a dishonest calculating excuse of a being he is I could never see him the way I once did ever again
However the mess he has left me in has & will cause me grief for a long time to come I think one of the worst things is the tarnished memories so long together hardly a memory that he isn't in adds to the emptiness I do hope one day his own memories will cause him similar pain.
xxxxx

Hi @Debis, don’t feel that you have to respond personally to everyone. When it gets busy in the thread that’s a big ask. All you do though is type @ and the user name. Everything you say applied in my case too. Have you had a look at Runaway Husbands:

www.runawayhusbands.com/

It might help you (it helped me at the start).

@simply4help, I know what you mean about the tarnished memories. I’ve come to accept that I have my truth about the marriage which I choose to believe. I don’t care what he believes any more because he has already shown himself to be a liar and to have poor judgement. Why would I believe anything he says.

I hope everyone has a peaceful night and sleeps well. 😴 💤 🛏 xxxx

@SuperbMonkey hi how long has it been for you now... are you feeling stronger and does the crying ever stop 😔 just so hard I feel like my marriage never really happened and I never really knew him as had no idea. So out of the blue it’s knocked me for six x

@Debis. I’m 5 months in, and it’s a couple of months since I found out about the long-standing affair. It’s all still quite raw. I do feel stronger most of the time. I still cry, for example I was crying my eyes out yesterday while peeling potatoes 😀. My friends have been amazing and I’ve made new friends especially with my lovely neighbours. It isn’t easy. I miss the man he was or seemed to be. I realize that whatever happens I will be better off without him. The out of the blue blindsiding experience is a trauma. It will take time to recover. All you can do is be kind to yourself as if you were helping your daughter or a friend to get over the experience. Counselling helps too. I understand myself better already. You will get over this xx

@SuperbMonkey it’s mind blowing isn’t it you think you know somebody then you realise you didn’t know them at all.. I had a breakdown and spent a week in a crisis house and had some counselling and I know it’s him not me.. he blamed me for the split and said I didn’t show his enough attention. I have degraded myself crying and begged him to come back but he refuses.. now I know I could never have him back he has hurt me to much and his behaviour is unforgivable. I just want to find the old me again just feel lost at the moment and he’s made me feel 💩 and worthless x thinking of moving as to many memories here but just not sure what to do can’t seem to make a decision on any lately 🤪

Would it be helpful for us all to repeat where we are in our timeline of this awfulness? It's a long thread for new joiners (and most of us to be honest) to keep up with. Though incredibly supportive and helpful, with amazingly caring comments.

Me:

20 y marriage, 2 kids around 20.
Discovered affair out of the blue last Spring. Absolutely no hint, thought had wonderful marriage and was knocked for six.
DH announced sorrow, that affair was over and we 'worked on' our relationship and marriage for many months, often very painfully, as I seemed to be being held responsible. And I took that. As I thought we had something so precious, he must have been hurting so much to do this.
In November, discovered he had been continuing his affair throughout.

We've barely spoken since and he's done the (I now realise) archetypal 'cold' personality change,

I think I must be a bit further on.Married 30 ! years , DCs in their 20s.Discovered in Jan 1919 him using a second phone. Had evidence of a long distance EA since 2016 that ended in 2 actual meetings. Then realised that he began using dating sites .
Sounds horrific.And it was. Suicidal thoughts , cried nearly every day for a year . Worst thing that ever happened to me .And yes , my memories are tarnished , my present can be unbearable and my future uncertain.

But , you know what ? I am OK , just like MNers here told me so last year. I still share the house, but there is no arguing or rants from me any more.
Counselling has helped enormously .Asked what I wanted from it , my goal was to be able to live and function within the life I have been dealt with. It is easier as I don't love , respect or trust him and can not forgive him , although he is so remorseful and desperately wants to reconcile.
He has destroyed the past 30 years for me now. But I will not let his selfish, cowardly , deceitful ass ruin the rest of it .
To all these women that are going on this emotional journey . I hope we can all come to terms with it and find peace eventually.

26 years together, 18 years married, no children. 5 months in, 2 months since I found out about affair, which has never been admitted. The cold treatment started in summer 2019 building up to his departure. As soon as he knew that I knew about long distance affair with ex girlfriend from before we met the cold treatment intensified. I had no idea what had been going on or for how long. I was blamed for everything on his departure, with comments directed at destroying me. My self esteem was in shreds.

My feelings are much like those of @Stillfunny. Some days are harder than others though. xx

@ thegrassisgreenernow thanks for the background it’s helps me understand where you are.. I just need to find out now about an affair but I think I know he has somebody else by the way he is.. like you it’s all my fault and that’s what I have believed. No more now I need to dust myself down pick myself up and start realising he doesn’t deserve me. Just hope he suffers a fraction of how I am. Poor him he says he’s hurting and he’s got everything he wanted. He chose to leave me has moved out and told me he is on dating sites. Just cruel no need. Talk about hitting somebody when there low. He also beat me up 3 weeks ago completely out of the blue never hit me before ever hence I had the breakdown and went to crisis home. I just don’t know this man anymore and hopefully will soon realise he is no good. X

ME: Together nearly 50yrs married 47yrs no children it's been almost 8 months
I have ME & a host of other problems including depression & anxiety
since he left
I'm unable to be alone and also unable to go out due to my health issues
After walking out he told whoever he come across that I abused HIM
the actual truth is HE abused me the whole of are marriage
I found this so hard when ever I tried to speak to someone to try to get contact they treated me like something they stepped in
the problems are still growing for me financial. carers time. the ME has got worse due to body not coping with stress as with you all emptiness & sorrow are my bed fellows. xx

Me. Blindsided me had no idea just announced dudnt love me enough. Last August. We worked together. 2 or 3 weeks later he was with his 2nd ex wife of 27 years ago. They have now bought a house together. I brought up his 3 kids . Had regularly contact up to a month ago. Now stopped. Hes never blamed me . Just wants a divorce.

We were together 19 years, married for 9, 1 young DS and a business. It shocked me that he was involved with someone else, I knew we had problems but thought we could work them out and always thought we would end things respectfully (no cheating!) if we couldn't go on. It's just over 5 months since he moved out to live with her. The initial agony (when I couldn't sleep or eat and couldn't imagine ever feeling ok again) has gone but I am still going through the grieving process. I don't know when I will feel happy again but I feel ok most of the time and I can live with that til I come out of the other side. I am still finding it hard to shake off the romantic notion that we were soulmates...during those moments I have to run through the list of awful things he has done and said, then run through the list of bad habits I don't have to live with anymore. Someone close to me advised that me that the best revenge is to live your best life and I think that is true. So I sometimes have to remind myself to stop thinking about what he is doing/thinking and just think about how to make life for me & my DS to best it can be.

The women on this thread are strong, caring, good people. It is definitely my "home" thread. Thank you to everyone offering support, advice and just sharing how you feel. It helps to not feel alone No matter where you are on this journey you will be ok, we all will be!

Hi everyone. I’m having a rubbish day today so am trying to get it back on track by posting here. I’m getting over a bug, coughing my head off, and I’ve obviously been running on adrenaline for the last couple of weeks. I’ve had a big slump this morning. I’m feeling stuck in limbo in all areas of my life. I’ve cancelled an event for this evening and I’m hoping a trip to the Freedom Project and yoga this evening will give me a nudge. I’ve got paperwork scattered all over the study that I need to sort. I am so organized usually but the fact that I freeze when something happens or I get more bad news is not helping. Perhaps the CBT is making me think about my thoughts more. A lot of the time I just want to hide under the covers until someone tells me it’s safe to come out. I’m sure that real life friends think I should be over it by now. I’m not!

I hope you are having a better day than I am. Love to all

Sorry you're having a tough day @SuperbMonkey Sending you warm hugs and understanding

I can relate to everything you've said. I've had to really push myself to get stuff done today, everything seems to have turned into a job I'd rather avoid and I am not being very efficient at all. I'm usually very much a crack on and get it done person but sometimes I find I've been sitting in a daze for most of the day. Sometimes you just have to let it go and sometimes you need to push yourself to tick just one thing off the list then that little buzz of achievement might encourage you to do the next thing on the list. If it's not working though I would give in and just do something nice like read a book in bed! The world won't fall apart if you take a duvet day. Just be honest with your friends, they need to know you're not "over it" and if they are good friends they will want to support you and not decide what your grieving timeline should look like!

Just checking in as I’ve been out, but thinking of you all. Sending hugs @Superb and will write more later. xxx

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 and @SoTiredTonight, thank you for caring. I’m feeling better after some waxing! I no longer look like a human on yeti legs. Freedom Project was not strictly relevant to me but I like meeting with different women going through the same but different experiences. I had a lightbulb moment; H’s values are not the same as mine and I prefer mine.

Thelma, I agree with you about friends. They have not been through this experience and don’t know how I feel. I have one friend who went through this 20 years ago. She does understand. I’m seeing her on Thursday.

I am pushing myself a bit too enthusiastically. Yoga tonight should give me some perspective, or at least make me more flexible.

I’ll check in a bit later. Hugs to all and lots of ☕️ and 🧁.

Hi ladies needing some encouragement tonight I have been a mess seem to off slumped and really upset. God I miss my old life and miss my husband being sat here with me.. feeling so lonely 😢

Hey ladies. All having same feelings again. Just not getting things done. I find myself just sat dazing. I miss my life so much and feel lonely.

He rang today which ended up me in big tears. I'm sorry to say I even told him I miss him. Whens there is no chance of him leaving her. The tawat kept calling me huney. He was only after me taking his financial offer and was gonna take my car of me as it's in his name. And he wants to sell it. In such a bloody fool.

@Debis and @Bigpooh13, bad days are ok. We are entitled!

We all miss our old lives as we thought they were but they weren’t what we thought they were. We have values, and we deserve better. Try to remind yourselves of the terrible behaviour you have suffered at their hands when you feel lonely. Lonely is better than misused and disrespected. Remember that they manipulate to get what they want. The car is a marital asset regardless of whether it is in his name. Bigpooh, don’t let him take it. Get it valued. Stay strong on the finances and take the advice of your lawyer.

Warrior on!

@superbmonkey.

Thank you. Thats why he wants to sell it as it's an asset. He 2 other trucks aswell and my knackered car. Hes being manipulative. I'm heartbroken and miss him but ain't gonna be stupid over money. It's all in hand at the solicitors but I'd rather have my life back than a pay off. But my friend reminded me what hes doing and hes turned into twat. Not my guy at all now. He was calling me huney and saying he cares. If he cared he wouldn't treat me like this. You wouldn't let your wife go to the food bank.
I hope that guilt trips him.

What do you think of CBT.

Well done ladies for getting through another day without having to look after an arsehole of a husband.

@Bigpooh13, so the proceeds of sale have to be included in the money available to be split between you. With which you can buy a new car. Make sure you get every penny that you are entitled to so that your future without him is easier. They say they care when they want something, remember that.

I thought the first session of CBT was good. I like getting homework. The group was mixed and interesting. The facilitators were excellent. It will be interesting to see whether goal setting and thinking about thoughts works. It hasn’t today! But it’s a new thing to learn so I’m sticking with it.

Yes to not having to look after f**kwit husbands 😀

Sleep well all xx

Hoping to help you all feel better by admitting I have just properly fallen put of my bed onto the floor! Was leaning over to 'elegantly' blow out a scented candle, lit for its calming effects and to enhance an early night, but which began to make me feel a bit suffocated. But leaning from the middle of a big bed (please say you're all sleeping in the middle, one of the lovely things to add to our list) was too much for my balance, and suddenly found myself crashing down. Now back in though and calming can start all over.

A bit metaphorical?!

you are all so strong and do make me smile saying arseholes and f**kwits can’t wait to get over this feeling of sadness and feeling scared of the future..I used to be so strong and seem to of turned into a wimp scared of the future. Thank you to you all you are all superstars and have kept me from feeling alone x

Dont worry Debis we all sad and frightened of the future.

Hi all I hope you are all ok ?

Still here, just reading and trying to process everything.

19 years together married 10 ,2 children under 10.
Rumour of affair 2018 .. Strange behaviour on and off including aggression and a ridiculous sex drive . Feel like I have tried he has not . Numerous walk outs , on his part since October 2018 . He left 2 weeks ago stating that it is the end. Not sure if an affair . Very controlling and aggressive. Escalated since the possible Ow

Anyhow ..... I hope you all sleep well and feel strong xxx xx