Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Thank you @Stillfunny I just feel so vulnerable at the moment, you have described my fears exactly and I do have set in my mind that he has to show commitment to changing this relationship too, if it doesn’t work then my only other option is a very set timetable for dd and minimal contact because I can’t do the civil, friendly thing it hurts too much. However my positive today has come from this thread Wankbadger is my new favourite word!! let’s buckle up and get through today ladies!! So glad I stumbled onto this thread

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, it’s so good to hear from you. I love the last line of your post, as a person suffering from a heart that shows very little judgement. I’m not so positive today but that’s partly because the weather is so awful. I loathe windy days and today is exceptionally windy. The flowers in the garden are being battered and there’s rubbish blowing everywhere. I can’t relax when it’s windy.

Good luck with the email response (and you should be very proud of yourself). Can I please wish for my ‘D’ H to join yours in the Andes? I’m sure they would get on well!

@caketimeisover, you are amazing! The speed and strength with which you have worked to sort things out are awe inspiring. I need some lessons from you! Your ex is beneath all contempt. If karma exists I hope he gets a taste of it soon.

@Wineisafruit you too are awesome. You have got your fight and I can see the suede Warrior Woman suit getting plenty of use in the next week. Good luck with the solicitor. Mine has a god complex and little man syndrome too. It wasn’t difficult for me to rise above him in heels! Or indeed in flats...

I’ll answer the posts on the next page once I have posted this, as otherwise I’ll lose this one. I’ve learnt that from bitter experience, along with lots of other things.

xx

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, it sounds as if you have got things under control. I could never trust mine again, and his personality is such that it wouldn’t work anyway.

I have succeeded in one CBT short term goal, and am about to start on the next. The long term goal is harder but I’m hoping tomorrow’s session will help. That’s if I survive the winds.

Stay safe today, and watch out for flying wankbadgers 😘😘

Amazingly strong ladies on here. Really amazing how you are getting through this with breaking hearts but knowing it's for the better . The Wankbadgers are unreal. I must stick to no contact as it really doesnt help. Cant do friends and then him trying to manipulate me into agreeing solicitor stuff.
I dont think its worth trying to remind them of our lifes together they seem to have forgotten so quickly.

Thanks @SuperbMonkey, I don't feel that strong at times but hopefully will get there. Went for a drink with a male friend from uni, we were talking about all this and how much it has knocked my self-esteem and ended up with us both crying in the corner of the pub! Silver lining is that I've discovered I have some really amazing friends in my life to lean on, feel so lucky in that regard (even if they must be sick of hearing about all this!)

@Wineisafruit, good call seeing a solicitor. You can do the divorce petition online yourself though (solicitor quoted me £1000+VAT just for that, did it myself for free apart from the divorce fee which you have to pay either way). If you're citing adultery, you need to say when it started, when/where it happened etc, and it's best practice to send him the blurb you put there to ensure it's factually accurate (mine corrected the date the adultery, ie sex, started to when our baby was a couple of weeks old. Nice.). Hopefully he won't contest it if he's admitted it to you (always helpful if you have something in writing, I asked my ex to text me his confession which he did. Dickhead). You can also tick a box saying he'll pay costs, so you can claim for the divorce fee (£550 which has to be paid when you submit the form) plus also a number of hours with the solicitor etc. That's something to get advice about from your solicitor actually, we didn't agree costs upfront and apparently that's the normal thing to do (so when he was told to pay me I ended up sending him a few invoices to cover on top of the divorce fee, luckily he agreed). I saw a solicitor initially as you're about to do, then a divorce consultant a couple of times (walked me through the petition and what I'd need to put where etc, much cheaper than solicitor), we've been to 4 mediation sessions (mediator was recommended by divorce consultant) and then I saw a family law specialist solicitor a week or so ago when things got awkward around the kids, just to know where I stood legally. Feel like an expert in this nonsense now! Do message me if I can help at all.

Hope everyone's having a peaceful if blustery Sunday xxx

@caketimeitsover. Thanks for the divorce advice.
He wont admit adultery as we were separated. Wont go to mediation. Just wants me to agree to his demands. I have a solicitor also taking extra advice at the citizens advice bureau next week. Not giving in yet.

Hello everyone, been reading along and it’s so good to see how everyone is supporting one another. I’m sorry I’m not adding much right now. I can’t shake this horrid feeling. Emptiness, fear, regret, loneliness... being perimenopausal doesn’t help either, I feel like I have continuous PMT these days.
I read your post and always intend to reply individually as you all always say something that I take away for myself. But my head is so all over the place that by the time I’ve read through to the last message, I’ve forgotten who said what.
I made soup this afternoon and couldn’t find the 2 stock cubes I’d unwrapped. I‘d only gone and chucked them in the kettle... seriously.

Hi all. Having my Sunday evening slump. No need to explain why. It’s the usual stuff.

@Bigpooh13, If he won’t admit adultery you can still divorce him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Mention this to CAB or your solicitor. Stand firm. He wants to manipulate you to get his own way. That old cliche, he is not your friend.

@caketimeisover, it is good to have friends to talk to and cry with. I did that yesterday (crying on my own this evening after afternoon with friends). The grief needs to be let loose. I’ve got CBT tomorrow which I’m hoping will help.

@SoTiredTonight, you add a lot just by being part of the thread. I feel exactly what you feel, and it comes over me in massive waves. Your stock cube story made me laugh 😂. Thank you for that as I needed a smile.

Enjoy the rest of the evening. Here’s to a good week. 🍷 xx

@SuperbMonkey hi is the cbt helping you.

I had a good day yesterday seen a old friend was nice to catch up. Today however another slump. Not a word off the us and it’s like he’s disappeared off the face of the earth. Stopping myself contacting him as I will only get upset by his cold behaviour. I’m just struggling with the fact he has cut all ties after 15 years together. Any advice ladies

@Debis, I’ve only done one session so far, second tomorrow. I think it is helping in terms of setting myself goals and challenging my thoughts. It isn’t an easy answer and I still feel sad quite often. I realise that a lot of my thoughts create negative emotions which then cause physical sensations e.g. churning stomach, and anxiety and it’s a vicious cycle. I suppose I’m learning that focusing on myself is important but I find that hard. My self-esteem is still damaged. It’s going to take hard work to get that back. Intrusive thoughts of him and what he’s done and how he lied and cheated and manipulated cause me problems. The CBT should help to manage those.

I wish I had an easy answer to the lack of contact too. In reality I think the answer is focusing on yourself (and the children). We can’t force them to love us. We have to let them make their mistakes and get on with our own lives, one step at a time. Living in the present and not the past or the future helps with this. I could try to explain why they cut all ties (shame, guilt, just not caring anymore) but that would be untangling the ball of wool. It’s a pointless exercise and keeps them in your head for longer than necessary.

I hope this helps. The slump will pass, trust me. xx

To all. It doesnt matter that we slump. We are letting go of the emotion that our wankbadges cant.
Imagine how trapped they are. The guilt they are feeling. How pathetic they are making out their life is all rosy . I'm sure it isnt.

@SuperbMonkey I do all that the negative thinking then the stomach churning comes and the upset and anxiety.. it’s a terrible cycle that starts.. I was told at cbt that is this a fact that or a thought.. and is this hurting me thinking it but still I do this negative cycle. In therapy we spoke about how early in my relationship with husband I was going to leave him twice and he once took a overdose and second time threatened to take one. I was emotionally abused to stay with him and I find this hard to come to terms with as I really did and still do love him but he has emotionally and once physically abused me. Just want to get through this grieving process and find me again x

Evening all, just popped on to check on messages as I’m so tired tonight - again! 😂 Glad i made you laugh @SuperbMonkey, I still can’t believe it!
You are all talking about CBT, I’m getting quite interested especially as I just read that sometimes it’s also prescribed to deal with menopausal stuff, depression/anxiety I assume? I might check with my GP if I qualify. I probably do on several grounds!!! Does it work for intrusive thoughts?

@Debis and Superb, I know exactly what you mean by stomach churning. It’s one of my worst physical symptoms and it can get quite painful depending on how stressed I am.

@Bigpooh13 You’re right, our slumps are all part of dealing with what we’re going through and are by no means sign of weakness. Just not fair that it feels so shit!

Have you good night everyone and an even better week! xxx

Hi all. I hope everyone slept well. I’m glad I did (after a miserable evening) as I have a water leak to sort today on top of various other things. I refuse to 😭 over this, so I am going to 😂 at it instead. Plumber notified so hopefully it will be sorted soon.

@Bigpooh13, I’m not going to care what his life is like. That gives him power over me. I choose not to care.

@Debis, the stomach churning is horrible. I guess that’s what makes it hard to eat at the start of the road. It sounds as if you learned a lot from your cbt. These habits take a long time to develop and a long time to lose. It won’t be rushed. That’s painful.

@SoTiredTonight, still chuckling now. I don’t yet know whether cbt works for intrusive thoughts (I might find out at this morning’s session). I hope so, as they are very difficult to cope with. I feel anxious just thinking about intrusive thoughts! They get in the way of real life.

Have a good day everyone xx

Well ladies first counselling session today. Why is it so hard to get a GP appointment sometimes, first female doc is middle of March! I just feel anxious and near to tears all the time, can’t face working feeling like this and now have to try and brave an appointment with whatever gp is available. Hope you are all having a better day x

Hi everyone, hope you all had a good day? @SuperbMonkey Did you get your plumbing sorted out? And how did you find the CBT?
@Emmerdaledramaqueen How was counselling? And as for the GP appointment, can you not get an emergency one if you call up first thing in the morning? As for female GPs (which you seem to prefer), I have honestly found a number of male ones to be way more sympathetic when it comes to MH issues. So try not to worry if they offer you an earlier appointment with a male. Or are you generally worried/intimidated when interacting with men? Then that of course is a different issue.

Has anyone heard from @simply4help at all, maybe by PM? I really am quite concerned; if you are here, please drop us a line!
Busy evening for me catching up on paperwork so I will keep this short. WIll be back on later and look forward to hearing from you all. xxx

Hi all, still reading everything and rooting for everyone. @caketimeisover thank you so much for your advice. I’m extremely lucky in that my family have offered me financial help with divorce costs and honestly, if I can just hand this over to someone to sort out I will. I can’t cope with the mental load of it all. Just keeping the children happy and fed is about all I have at the moment. So with that I’m booked in to see the solicitor on Friday. Valentine’s Day! Great timing. I need real legal advice about access to the children and finances. I’m on maternity leave and so he’s screwed me over with that.
I just keep feeling sick all the time. Still not managing to eat and have dropped a stone in 3 weeks. No one saw this coming, me included.

@SoTiredTonight counselling went as well as it could, cried buckets admitted I had been really stupid over the weekend hoping we could try again ( will I never learn,!!).
Came home a bit stronger, had what I hope was an honest conversation and took my house key back, small thing but a huge step for me.
Going to just see any gp I can over the next couple of days even if it’s the one I’m sure hates women.
Just think I dread the feeling of being lonely and I’m not that great at socialising and making friends.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, I hope the counselling session helped you and that you feel stronger. I agree with @SoTiredTonight that there are some understanding, empathetic male GPs. Perhaps arrange an appointment with one and see how it goes. My last appointment was with a female GP (not my usual) and she was awful. I ended up telling her that she wasn’t making me feel any better!

SoTired, ha, ha. My plumbing is still defective, unfortunately. There is a leak and the plumber is coming at some point to fix it! A bucket is in place under the drip. The CBT was good. We worked on relaxation techniques. I’ve dropped @simply4help a PM to check she is ok and to tell her that we are worried about her. Hope she’s ok.

@Wineisafruit, you have got everything under control. And your family sound lovely. I lost a stone in the same length of time. Don’t worry, the eating and sleeping will settle down soon. Everything you describe is normal. Not easy but normal.

Hope everyone who reads this thread is ok, snug and warm on this cold night. xx

@SuperbMonkey I am feeling drained, been a very emotional day however I am hoping that means I’ll actually get some decent sleep tonight.
@Wineisafruit I’m dropping weight at an alarming rate too but am taking it as a positive as I can afford to lose a bit! Seriously though even taking a couple of bites regularly to keep your strength up for the battle ahead. @simply4help please let us know your okay, we are all here for you xx

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, counselling is draining, especially when you cry buckets. The tears have to come from somewhere and hopefully they were full of toxins. You will sleep well tonight.

You are not stupid for hoping. Please don’t think that. Would you tell a friend she was stupid? I don’t think so! You are human and can’t switch feelings on and off like a tap. Well done for taking the key back. That must have been hard to do and is a massive step. You’ve made friends here. Gradually you’ll extend that into real life. One step at a time Emmerdale. Time for you to reflect on today’s successes.

Nothing from simply. Really hope she’s ok.

Sleep well Warrior Women. xx

Here’s hoping, the warrior women on this thread have been a godsend! Hopefully I can give some support back as o have been given. Sleep well x

Morning everyone. I hope everyone is ok. @simply4help, please let us know that you are alright.

I slept well but woke feeling slightly down. Overwhelmed again. It will pass.

Have a good day xx

@SuperbMonkey it’s awful starting the day on a low, and easy to be very overwhelmed at these times. Just wanted to say I’m here and rooting for you as you do for others. Look after yourself today x

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, thank you for those kind words. I have come back from personal training (making the most of it while I can still afford it). I feel better. I have Freedom Programme at lunchtime. Then I have reached out to a friend who is coming for coffee at 3ish. Yoga tonight. I’m also avoiding the news as it is so depressing!

Thank you again. It’s good to have women in my corner xx