Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Hi All When I read about some of you being able to have free NHS counselling sessions
I wonder why when I asked my GP why I couldn't have them
xx

Morning all. I am so sorry for the new joiners. I wish I could tell you really brilliant advice to make you feel better. But it is just really day by day roller coaster and you just have to talk and let your feelings out.
I feel like I'm never gonna get over losing my soulmate that's what he called us. He was the soppy one.
So just hard to understand as he certainly ain't that guy now.
Just make sure you get a solicitor and start sorting finances harsh I know but that was the best bit of advice I took. Also someone said be selfish as they certainly are. And they lie.
Dont worry about the future as we mot there yet. This thread helps me so much. 😿🤷‍♀️🤯😫🤥

@simply4help I am paying a charity for relationship counselling, payment contribution expected is based on income.

Really frustrated today, have sent several messages about arrangements for dd with no response!!
Would just like to say the rest of you ladies on this thread have been a blessing for me the past few days!

www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/healthyminds/

www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/talkingspaceplus/

@simply4help, here are the website links for 2 NHS free counselling services which will help you. I am using the first for my group sessions. Please get in touch direct. You can refer yourself to these services. You do not have to ask your GP to get involved. Tell them how bad you are feeling. Do not hold back.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 and @Bigpooh13, good to hear you sounding so strong. Bigpooh is giving advice to others now. A few weeks ago Big was feeling terrible. Look at her now @Debis. I’m so glad you are going to see your doctor. This will be an important step towards feeling better. Hang in there!

@Emmerdaledramaqueen (lover your user name), that advice to simply is also useful. Hopefully simply will find something that works for her. The no response routine is frustrating. At least you’re getting to him! Expecting adult behaviour is too much!

See you later. xx

love your user name not lover. My tablet is possessed!

Been to the doctor and he has given me anxiety tablets.. took 1 and that awful feeling in my stomach has actually gone and I feel a bit calmer.. even managed to eat some crisps.. sorry I have been a moaning mess these past few days and thank you all for helping me I really appreciate everyone of you c

Dear @simply4help have you tried following this link to check for services in your area? https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

Hope you get some help soon

Hello all, just checking in. Having a terrible few days and can’t bring myself to write. Not even anything to do with DH, just life stuff. Feeling so stressed!!! Sending you all hugs and promise to write soon. Following you all even if I’m not contributing. I’m just totally frazzled right now. Just want it to go away. Head in sand. Going to listen to a podcast or read to try to calm down a bit. Much love. xxx

Here with you.

Such a mess . He is refusing to help with children unless in the family home.

I lost my temper and ended up shouting.
Can I stop access in the home ?

He id going to ruin me.

Hello all. On my way home from an event. Hope everyone is ok but sensing that the suede (or vegan) Warrior suits need to be first out of the wardrobe tomorrow. Come on, are we really going to let these pathetic specimens of manhood defeat us? I hope not. xx

Thank you all for the advice about counselling again my real issue is I can't get out there to see someone for counselling I tried talking space over the phone but it didn't help at all
I have woken after a couple of hours sleep crying & still am now it's just unbearable there is no way out of this for me my position is too compounded to change oh god I want this to end how can someone you have spent your entire life with do this too you knowing that you will be alone.
Why does he not feel for me anymore what is he doing at 67 yrs old what has possessed him to destroy us in this way I can no longer function and I am worn out trying it's all too much so sorry everyone
what lies ahead will be more than I could cope with. xxx

@Simply, good morning to you.
I am so sorry you’re feeling so terrible and I really don’t know what I can possibly say to make you feel less so. I just wondered if you had ever considered looking into the Freedom programme @SuperbMonkey talks about. I know there is an online version available. Whilst I understand your despair at your situation, reading your message this morning I wonder if you are (and I’m not judging because I do this too!!!) ignoring, so to speak, all the abuse he’s giving you over the years and pining for the man you wanted him to be/believed he was. You talk about his not feeling for you anymore and destroying ‘us’, but from what I understand he was abusive throughout your marriage (correct me if I’m wrong). You missing ‘him’ when actually you are missing the idealised version of him who never was is a classic case of cognitive dissonance, and it’s so so common in people who have been in abusive relationships. It feels awful and you will truly believe that you’ll never feel better again, but believe me that over time it will get easier.
Of course I understand that in your case he has left you in a terrible position practically and financially too which makes it all the harder for you to find some hope somewhere in it all. Are you taking legal advice at all? Also, you dsy the counselling didn’t help. It might be that you didn’t connect with the particular person you were speaking too, or rather more likely, you didn’t give it enough time. Counselling often, especially at the beginning, doesn’t ‘help’/make you feel better immediately, but it does equip you and make you stronger to deal with things (your view of them and your view of yourself more importantly!) in the longer term. Don’t give up!
I hope my rambling on makes some sense to you, I haven’t been awake very long and my head isn’t the clearest but I didn’t want to read and run. I hope one of the other ladies will be along soon with something to soothe you, but a big hug from me in the meantime. xxx

The Santas have gone! But there’s nothing else instead. Rather disappointed. Come on MNHQ, give us some variety here!

Dear @simply4help please call The Samaritans 116 123

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

I am very concerned for you. I know things feel bad but you are not alone

@simply4help, please, please read what @SoTiredTonight and @ThelmaAndLouise2020 say above. Ring the Samaritans. I know you have called them before, but call them again. Come back here and tell us that you have done so. And there is no need for you to apologise for feeling as you do.

What So Tired says is not rambling but really good advice. You need to read it over and over. Try to forget about why he’s done what he has. You are torturing yourself by trying to unravel the ball of wool. It has happened. You can cope with what is to come because you have coped for over 7 months now. Congratulate yourself for that.

Please do just one or two things today to help yourself to feel better. Sending you .

Thelma, when are you starting your new job? Is it soon?

I agree being the samaritans. They have helped me so much. You can email them as well.

@Tinydancer123 my ex saw the kids at the house after he'd moved out for about 3 months. It was horrendous for me (I hid or went out when he was here) but meant the kids didn't really register too much changing in one go. He was just renting random rooms so didn't have anywhere to take them, but he pretty quickly organised somewhere to rent more permanently so even though there was a bit of a wait I knew there was an end in sight. Where is your ex staying, is he organising more permanent accommodation? I guess you can't stop access legally if the house is in joint names, but I think you can set boundaries - eg come up with a strict schedule, make him ring the doorbell rather than let himself in, and establish a timeframe you'll allow this for after which you expect him to see/take the kids elsewhere. I can't remember the age of your children - I hope they are doing ok, and you too.

@simply4help, can't add any more than the other wonderful ladies have, such good advice. I hope you are ok, please please look after yourself.

@simply4help, I hope you managed to call the Samaritans and are ok? Post here if it helps.

Hi @simply4help, are you there? Drop us a line here!
How’s everyone else doing? I still haven’t written properly, I have been in a major slump for a number of days now and I can’t seem to pick myself up properly. I get on with what needs to be done but I feel restless, anxious and totally flat.

As lots of you have given another quick brief on themselves, here’s mine. Late 40s, married 20+ years, no kids. Not officially separated but non-existent relationship for a number of years. DH has voiced that he no longer loves me when I feel I’m the only one who made any real effort to keep things going for a long time anyway. I don’t think there is an OW but porn seems to be an issue which puts me off him even more, even though we’re not physical anyway. I still love him in a way, as I am sure he does me, but not in the way that would make for a happy or successful marriage.
We are nowhere near family due to his work so at times I have felt desperately lonely.
As so many here, because things aren’t as bad as for some, I find it difficult to figure out where I’m at. I do feel that he has been abusive to a degree throughout the relationship, although even typing that I feel guilty. It’s primarily emotional unavailability and emotional abuse, a being made to feel that nothing I am or do is ever good enough. That said, we’ve had really good times together and am getting on relatively well these last few days. Like a pair of jolly housemates. Which is pleasant enough but it still leaves me feeling empty.
If I’ve left anything out, just ask please.
Thinking of you all!

Oh, I should probably add that I have a background of dysfunctional relationships with men and I have been seeing a counsellor for a long time to work through my issues. They are not keep to apply labels but I am pretty sure that I have codendent tendencies and even some BPD traits. Hurray.

@SoTiredTonight, thanks for sharing. It helps to know that I’m not alone in facing regular slumps. I am getting on with what I need to do, very slowly. I’m tired today, which impacts my mood, which is also fidgety and flat, with spells of anxiety (I try to apply my CBT learning). I’m also in the same boat as you regarding distance from family, with no kids. That makes this particularly lonely. I feel guilty about describing my husband as emotionally abusive. But I know that he is and has been. I thought we had really good times together although he has rewritten history to deny that, which I find distressing and hurtful. He was emotionally unavailable except on his terms. I feel pretty empty too. I’m trying to get my joy back. My relationships with men have been dysfunctional stemming from my upbringing (emotionally unavailable mother). I’m terrible at asking people for help, and present a coping face all the time (even here sometimes). I tend towards codependency and am addressing that in therapy.

Life is such a challenge at present. It’s getting unstuck that’s difficult.

Thanks again SoTired. Your post prompted several thoughts.

It’s lovely to hear from you @Superb and as so often, your post really resonates with me. I often feel that there seem to be quite a lot of similarities in our experiences! Hugs to you!
I’ve been dealing with paperwork I really had to get done, feeling totally worn out now and reading in bed before making tea.
I just came across a link someone posted on another thread which I thought might be helpful for when any of us struggle from a MH point. It’s a a support chat group (I think) run by Mind, I think I might have a look at it at some point. I hadn’t heard of it before but I liked the sound of it. Here’s the link: www.elefriends.org.uk/
@simply4help, you’ve really been on my mind and I’m sure I’m not the only one concerned about you. Please drop us a little note? Much love to you all. xxx

Sorry you are having a slump @SoTiredTonight and @SuperbMonkey I really hope you can pick yourselves up over the weekend. We all have slumps whether we write about them here or not and we've all had our hearts broken (your hurt is just as valid as anyone else's no matter the circumstances)

I am doing ok at the moment despite H telling me he misses me and (I sense) testing my resolve as to whether I might let him back (no). I don't know what he's up to but I know it's not safe to let down my defences and that no matter what his confusion that I need to stand firm and just move on.

My new job (thanks for asking Superb!) will be starting in about a month. It has given me a much needed boost in confidence (I had great feedback from my interview and spoke to my new boss today who was lovely). I'm really excited about how it will go (not withstanding childcare issues!)

Sending everyone on the thread love and hoping you have good weekends ahead. Looks like we'll all be trying to keep dry and warm on Sunday (in the U.K.!) x

I always knew what he was like and I knew he didnt treat me well alot if the time. But I accepted it and he was quite controlling but only realised that after he left. I'm so lonely without him and miss my life. I think he made me rely on him to much. Then he just left. But hes happy now and really fat . Haha .
I dont think I will ever feel better and he has fucked my life up. But I have no choice but to keep going.
I need to accept it .
We all need to be kinder and more selfish to ourselves. I'm hoping that there is a better future we can find .
We had a great life filled with holidays and fun. But it wasnt enough for his midlife crisis. Pffft.

We are all going to have a relaxing weekend .