Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@thrivingnotjustsurviving, we agree on Filly’s road tripping hobo 😀.

I’m relieved that the additional info. has moved you forwards rather than setting you back. Traded a long way down then! We thought so ... xx

Morning all. Nothing like a trip to the solicitors to make you feel worthless and shit. Either his solicitor is lying to him or he is lying to me and his solicitor. Hes now agreed to divorce by adultery if I pay all costs. Dickhead he knows I have no friggin income as he paid me. He hasnt even started the divorce. He must live on fantasy island . My solicitor has asked his for him to stop harassing n bullying me . That's not gonna go down well. He cant take car of me. Which is gud and a relief.

When I think I'm getting some sass back it get slams again.

If you're divorcing for adultery aren't you the petitioner so you should file (he can't divorce you for his adultery)? You have to pay the £550 when you send the application but you can tick the box that says he has to pay the costs. If he doesn't contest it he'll be ordered to pay that £550 back (plus some of the solicitor's fees too they can get him to agree, although sounds unlikely he'd agree!). Also you can file the divorce online yourself and avoid solicitors fees for that bit, you just need to check the boxes about applying for a financial order as well. If you can scrape the £550 together just do it!

@SuperbMonkey
Mine has ‘nothing nice going on in his life’ and thinks he might move but doesn’t know where’

This encapsulates it all for me. The stupid, dim, self-obsessed wankers. All this pain - the crying, obsessing, fear, humiliation, upset and at the end of it they haven’t even got a happy life or an idea of what they want to do. All this pain (our pain) for nothing! They are not even happy.

Last view of dh was his grey, set, miserable face. He’s always moaning about his health - meanwhile I’ve had a serious illness and he NEVER asks how I am.

Makes you wish OW hadn’t dumped him. She deserves him really.

Thanks for chump lady link. All very true. Couples therapist told me I had to be patient until OW faded in DH mind.

@thrivingnotjustsurviving I think it was more “oh don’t worry about me I’m a free spirit I can hop in my work van (!) and take off at a moments notice. Good times!”
I agree it sounds awful. Especially as work van squalid and full of old food wrappers and rotting fruit.

How was everyone’s day? I was busy which was good but now I’m tired and have crashed a bit.

@Filly2011 please share the ways not to scream..... I have two outburts of these 🙄😣 not liking that side of me.

@feckthisshit2020 how are you ? What abuse did he send ? How strange x

Hi seems like a bad day all round.
Not coping today then had a friend telling me stuff like I'm probably gonna be own my own for the rest of my life as I wont trust anyone again. Thanks friend.
Sorry everyone.

Trying not to text him but think its gonna happen tomorrow. Cant resist my longer.
What shall we do to make it better

Hi everyone.

I have had a busy day. On my way home and I’m knackered. Heard from court late this afternoon that he is not defending divorce. I’m sad but I can’t bear to be near him anymore. The money discussions won’t be amicable (that’s all he cares about) and I’m so, so tired of it all. It will be worth it once we are at the end. I will be free from a disordered narcissist. I’ll check in again later once I’m home xxxx

@Bigpooh13, you sound as if you’ve had a difficult day. You shouldn’t feel worthless and shit after a trip to your solicitor. I understand how hard it is though. What @caketimeisover says is exactly right. It is quite easy to do your own divorce online through the official government website and lots of people do that now. I won’t repeat what cake says but think about doing it yourself. Your solicitor can still help with the financial side of things. Stay calm even though you don’t feel calm and focus on the finances. Don’t text him. It isn’t going to help you and you are the only person you need to care for right now. He is making your life miserable so don’t waste any more time on him. I really know how hard this is. The one thing you can do to make things better is take back control as much as you can. And it doesn’t matter what he thinks about being told not to bully you. You don’t have to stand for being bullied any more.🤗

@Filly2011, this may sound mean but I hope my STBXH is miserable to the end of his days. It’s what he deserves. My doctor was right when she said he is a narcissist and I’m sorry I wasted so much of my precious life on him. I’m not wasting any more of it. We are worth so much more than this. Let them take their misery elsewhere. Your couples therapist was wrong - you don’t have to be patient, or do anything except look after yourself. I hope your new therapist is helping you to see that. A free spirit, bo**o£ks. It’s a romantic fantasy from a regressed adolescent man child. I’m sorry to be so rude about him, but really? He’s talking rubbish. ❤️

@Feckthisshit2020 my day was good but I had a bit of a crash over the divorce. I’m feeling better now. You sound as if you are feeling more positive now he is out of the house. Xx

@Tinydancer123, screaming at him not a good idea. Screaming in private, a very good idea. 😘

Sleep well everyone, and stay strong Warriors. We didn’t want to be here but now we are let’s make ourselves proud. We have nothing at all to be ashamed of. xxxx

Sorry to hear you so fed up @SuperbMonkey, I hope you can find a way to get some self care. May I ask how far along you are? I must admit I'm not looking forward to doing the official bit though I'm waiting for him to request a divorce I think. It makes no difference to me when the legalities happen but I know the OW is keen to get her divorce sorted so that might well provide the impetus for him.

Given that I've organised virtually everything our whole marriage I thought I might let him do this bit 😂 I have a fab solicitor friend on standby for when it does get started.

@Tinydancer123 ways not to scream abuse at vile husband (I have tried them all):
Take Valium and drink lots of alcohol in bid to sedate self into quiet (not recommended)
Write screeds of crap about husband, affair, OW, own crazy feelings, in notebook before meeting DH (better but not foolproof)
Realise that by screaming you are only harming yourself as it makes them defensive and feel justified in what they’ve done (crazy wife etc) - this works but it takes many screaming sessions before you realise it.
I’m now trying to just think about me not him. It helps x

I am also wishing all kinds of ill on my husband but by all accounts this new woman is likely to end up being a living nightmare, as will he i think so they'll get what they deserve. Plus they'll probably have babies so whilst I'm off gallivanting in my freedom once the kids are old enough/left home he'll be mired in shitty nappies and domesticity with a mentally unstable partner 🤣

@Bigpooh13 don't text, I know how tempting it is but think how great you will feel if you manage another day in radio silence.

Do you want to write your texts here instead to get them out your system. We can have some fun responding in the manner of a dickhead adulterer if you like!

@thrivingnotjustsurviving, 6 months since he left, 4 months since I found out about the affair. He wanted a divorce but had no grounds on which to divorce me, no matter how horrible he said I was to his supporters. That should have told them something. He won’t be honest about the grounds for divorce now either. He does not know what the truth is. I’m glad I divorced him because it has given me control over the process and he’s going to have to pay the costs (not letting him off that one). I have a solicitor friend who is helping too. She is a star. What a wonderful future he has to look forward to! You will have the last laugh but you won’t care by then.

@Filly2011

Good advice, especially the just thinking about you, and it does help.

xx

@Filly2011 thank you. I know that this must be so difficult to share but please take solace with my screaming fits, we are together. Last weeks was quite epic.... wine and gin were not my friend after no food 😏😣. Agreed it just gave him a reason to use it agaisnt me. Also being blind drunk I did not recall everything I said. 😣😣
A friend said you are just so angry..... what the feck do you expect ?!!!
I am here if you need to scream. For now I have not drunk since my last epic event and will try not to for the forseeable.

Anyone else tried hypno ??

Funny story last night very sleepy , I fell into bed and must have clicked on the wrong hypno .... erotic for men by mistake 🤣😂😣. It started well and there was no inclination anything was wrong , but by god I jolted with a shock when they said ......

@SuperbMonkey thank you , you are correct ! I must stop that.

I hope you are ok ? I am sorry you feel so down. I wish I was there for you. You are so helpful on this thread a real life line. Is there anything we can do ?

I know it is hard online but what about sone little suggestions to help us along ?

The children and I made bread today , we planted veg last night. Trying to do new things each day . Could this help ?

My phone is broken so excuse typo 😏😣

@Bigpooh13 the man is dyer !!!!! He should pay what a cockwomble !!! I hope you feel better this evening. Xxxx xxxx

Morning everyone. And thanks for the kind words @Tinydancer123. I will start the new thread now. The title will be ‘Some Friendly Words -Support Group 2’. Not original but easy to find! See you on the new thread. xx

New thread
Some Friendly Words - Support Group 2 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3844903-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-2

Hi all,

I just found this thread...This is a bit of a long story but almost 2 years ago I found out that my fiance and partner of 15 years was seeing someone from work. We had just built a new house together and were planning on getting married. We had always been the couple people thought would be together forever. He told me it was a friendship.and swore the same to his family. I asked him to move home while we talked and tried to work through things and he did. During the summer of 2018 he moved back home and I though things were on the right track even though my gut couldn't really trust him. He said all the right things, he loved me, wanted a family with me, I was the love of his life, she was an escape, but he didnt seem to be the same person.

Fast forward to september 2018 and to cut a long story short, i found out that he was still seeing her, was on the way to a 4 day family wedding with her when i confronted him. They had been sleeping together the whole time, she has 3 kids with another man and is older.

After that confrontation, he went to the wedding!! Said he wanted to marry her and have kids with her. When he came back he text regularly to talk, I couldn't, I was broken. He came to our home while I wasnt there and took his things. It was 2 months before I had the courage to meet him. He said he wanted to come home to me all the time, wanted a family with me, his life had no purpose, he would kill to be with me etc.

I wanted so much to.take him back but the trust was completely broken, I asked him to get help, to move home to his parents...he had moved straight in with her after that wedding!! I hoped he would sort himself out and show me that but it didnt seem to be happening. I got one text after that talk and no more. His family couldn't understand what was going on with him.

I found out from bank statements that he stole all the money from our joint account so contacted a solicitor and got the ball moving on trying to buy his half of our home. I didnt earn as much and it was going to be really difficult to take on everything but I didnt want him selling my home too or moving in with her and her children. I offered him every bit of money he put into the house, through the solicitor. This was rejected, he wanted double that! I never would have thought he could be so cruel. I was so fair even though I was devastated, my life ripped out from under me and him living with another woman and her 3 kids. Eventually I had to get a new job, help from family and sell some things to pay him the extortionate amount for the house.

I then found out through an updated WhatsApp picture that he had married her in the meantime...within a year of begging me to come home. I found out from bank statements that he bought the ring 5 days after begging me to come home!

I am devastated...I miss him so much, I miss our life, I cant believe the lies, betrayal, stealing, cruelty, how much of a coward he turned out to be. I have tried very hard to move on and make a new life for myself but I find it hard when I think that 15 years could mean so little and he moved on without a second thought for me or the horrible situation he put me in.

I know this is very long and really is the tip of the iceberg as far as his lies and betrayal go but I was just hoping for some suppport and advice...thank you.

@Nev85, this is our old thread. The link to the new thread is just above your post. I’ll be starting Support Group 3 later this evening.

Look forward to helping you via the new thread soon.

Hello would it be ok if I joined this thread? It was recommended to me by Jimbob.

@Bubblebu. We are now in thread 5, you can either follow the links or search for some friendly words 5 that will get you to the new thread.