Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

[Lulualla]

Everyone always says to stay out of it but if I were the wife, I would want to know. She deserves to know the truth and make decisions for he town life with all the info.

Maybe he has permission since he's with you all the time. Maybe he doesn't.. But she should know.

[LochJessMonster]

Tell her. She deserves to know and make her own decision

It will definitely be blamed on you but at least you can move on with a clear conscience.

[purpleboy]

I have to agree with lulualla. I would absolutely want to know. But you might possibly need proof to back up your claims or she probably won't believe you.

[PragmaticWench]

Do you have any evidence you can show her of you spending time with him? Photos together etc.

[pemberlyshades]

Tell the wife. This culture of cheating in military families is abhorrent and outdated. Tell her.

[BrassTactical]

Yep I’d totally tell her.

[KellyHall]

You poor thing

Find a way of contacting her and as pp said, have evidence ready to give her but I'd wait to see if she asks for it as she might believe you and not need/want to see pictures of you two together.

[Tractorgirlz]

She definitely needs to know.

[12345kbm]

Get an STD check at your local GUM.
I would tell his wife, don't bother trying to convince her, I don't think you need evidence. Let her know, block and move on with your life.

[Confusedbeetle]

No in no circumstances tell her. She does not deserve it. If he is a serial cheat she will find out anyway. Just walk away

[libbynaughtz26]

I would tell her. Social media message with your phone number if you can. And ghost him.

[LucileDuplessis]

So sorry to hear this OP. You must be gutted.

Personally I would let his wife know (with evidence if you have any), but don't angst about it too much. She may not believe you, in which case just shrug your shoulders and know you've tried to do the right thing.

[Mamabear1988]

Absolutely you should tell her. It's obviously a hard thing to do and awkward but she doesn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on.

[12345kbm]

She needs to be told to protect her health. Some STDs make you infertile, she could contract HIV if she's having unprotected sex with him as most married couples do. If she's pregnant she could pass something onto her child.

If she chooses not to believe, that's her prerogative but I believe it's the right thing to do.

[SantaIsReal]

How stupid is he to tell you about this when he is living such a lie under a different name!
His wife deserves to know! What a rubbish position to put you in!!

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Tell her . I would want to know . He is a prick.

[Single2catsand1daughter]

Walk away.

[Aderyn19]

I'd want to know. And I think it's her right to be told. It's all very well people saying that she will find out eventually, but how, if no one has the courage to tell her?
I consider this man to be abusive - he's created a whole backstory of lies to get you to sleep with him. If my husband was doing that, I'd want a heads up!

[NameChangeNugget]

I think you’d be doing it for the wrong reasons and won’t get any thanks.

I’d walk away

[MsDogLady]

Yes, tell her so that she can make informed decisions, just as you are now doing.

[LuluBellaBlue]

I’d spill the beans, tell her everything. From start to finish with dates, screenshots the lot. So she has everything she needs to know to make a full and informed decision.
Sorry you’ve gone through this

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

q

[ConfCall]

You presumably don’t have to see him again via work or mutual friends so there would be no difficult fall-out on you. So, you have nothing to lose by telling her as gently as possible, and then moving on. If she’s then daft enough to disbelieve you/stay with him, that’s not your fault.

[Froggledoggleoggle]

I think you'd be telling her from a place of hurt and anger. I wouldn't tell her, just walk away.

If you'd been long split and you found out I would encourage you to tell her because although you would be hurt and angry, you wouldn't be doing it for the same reasons if you were to do it now.

[holidays987]

Yes tell her.
You don't have to 'prove it' or give lots of detail. But you've been seeing this man for 8 months.. that's a big thing & can't be excused away by him.
Keep it brief, keep it simple but do tell her. She can then make her own decisions.