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Original poster

Oh no I'm the other woman

323 replies

UncertainWoman · 11/11/2019 14:41

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

OP posts:
LadyLucyLocket · 11/11/2019 17:15

But if his wife and kids live on the base in the same house, how did he get to stay with you OP most nights? I'm struggling here - there has to be more to this. Where did they think he was?

MummytoCSJH · 11/11/2019 17:15

Hope it's clear from that that I agree she needs to know. I'd try to keep it factual with proof or she'll think you're doing it out of spite and exaggerating to upset her etc.

LadyLucyLocket · 11/11/2019 17:16

He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool

Bumblebee it's not clear from the OPs post if he told her WHAT he'd been in the papers for, just that he's been in them 'for something cool'.
I didn't know if this meant he'd told her what the cool thing was, or if he'd simply said it 'was something cool.'

It's not clear.

PatchworkElmer · 11/11/2019 17:17

A friend of a friend was involved in a very similar situation to this. Genuinely wondering if it’s the same bloke!!

MummytoCSJH · 11/11/2019 17:18

@LadyLucyLocket OP said in a further comment that she searched for the 'circumstances' so I think she knew what the something cool was? If it was something unusual it may have been quite easy to find!

justasking111 · 11/11/2019 17:20

I knew an ex military guy who successfully ran two women for five years, he started out with one then a few years later got himself a second. Neither knew the other existed the mess it caused, both women dumped him and he felt hard done by.

I did not know this was a military thing @pemberlyshades

suesylvesterr · 11/11/2019 17:24

But if his wife and kids live on the base in the same house, how did he get to stay with you OP most nights? I'm struggling here - there has to be more to this. Where did they think he was?

@LadyLucyLocket it might have been that she lived in his home town and his barracks were closer to the OP. My ex would make excuses as to why he couldn't travel home more and had to "stay on the barracks" in a different town.

Whattheother2catsprefer · 11/11/2019 17:25

Lady luck no he say "hey I was once in the papers for juggling six elephants, I show you" and searches for Joe Jones elephants. Nothing comes up. "Joe" leaves and the OP searches for elephant juggling and finds a picture of "Joe" captioned John Johnson.

As a military wife I often send my husband of for months at a time. For UK deployments he might get home some or most weekends but during the week I don't see him. I have to trust that he is where he says he is. I do and he has never missed calling he or been "out of contact" without clearly laying out why and when he will be back in contact. I.e. he on a 24 hour exercise and will call as soon as he is back on base. I trust him totally, I couldn't do this of I didn't. But I've know him.since we were kids and since before he joined up.I've never had reason to doubt him.

etimram · 11/11/2019 17:27

LadyLucyLockett ..by the sounds if.not this square is is MU (married unaccompanied). His wife and kid/s are living off base elsewhere. He goes home once a fortnite....so say to see his parents but it's obviously when he sees his wife and kid/s.

etimram · 11/11/2019 17:27

*square Hmm = squaddie

Aridane · 11/11/2019 17:30

Don’t tell his wife (a minority opinion, I know)

Alsohuman · 11/11/2019 17:31

A lot, if not most, military families now buy a house as a permanent base, the wife and kids live in it and the husband Monday to Friday commutes from wherever he’s posted. Presumably in this case he was conveniently too far away to go home every week.

LuckyLola · 11/11/2019 17:34

What an awful position he has put you in. I feel so sorry for his wife and kids too. If I were in the wife's shoes I would want to know but I would want irrefutable evidence. It's up to her what she does with the information then. If she has any sense she will take that information and file for divorce. Good luck OP Thanks

kelly781 · 11/11/2019 17:36

Didn't he know on the papers it would say his actual name and not the one he's been using with you?? So he's landed himself in it

NightsOfCabiria · 11/11/2019 17:36

I’d tell her.

The same thing happened to me. 6 months, a proposal and holidays abroad included.

He ghosted me so I checked up on him.

It transpired that He’d just gone into business with his wife and neighbours doing Indonesian holidays so was registered that month at Companies House. Their website had a picture of his wife with her arm around her ‘loving and devoted husband.’

I couldnt bring myself to shatter her life but wish now I’d at least given her the ammunition to choose her fate.

Opaljewel · 11/11/2019 17:42

I would want to know. Definitely tell her.

SunshineCake · 11/11/2019 17:42

It should be over now, not when you next see him Hmm.

HisBetterHalf · 11/11/2019 17:43

How can people say dont tell and walk away. She is living a false life, she deserves to know. What she does with the information is totally up to her

Fightingmycorner2019 · 11/11/2019 17:45

I wouldn’t tell her actually as am highly
Risk averse
It will maybe backfire on you
Maybe she knows already

I would not x

WeirdCatLady · 11/11/2019 17:49

I’m torn. On the one hand I know I’d prefer to know. However, it might be good to not say anything but end it telling him unfortunately the sex just wasn’t good quality enough for you. If he’s playing around as much as he obviously is then she either already knows or will find out soon. I’d like to walk away with my head held high and a big smirk on my face.

Emmapeeler1 · 11/11/2019 17:49

Men never fail to astonish me. Tell her and ghost him from now. What a hideous piece of shit.

Emmapeeler1 · 11/11/2019 17:50

it might be good to not say anything but end it telling him unfortunately the sex just wasn’t good quality enough for you

Having said that I would be also v tempted to do this

user1471449295 · 11/11/2019 17:52

I would tell her. Her sexual health is at risk. She doesn’t deserve to be kept in the dark.

Beamur · 11/11/2019 17:54

Something similar happened to a friend of mine who was military. Had been with her 'boyfriend' for months. He had regular contact with his ex who he had a child with. Except another child was born which kind of was a big clue that the ex wasn't an ex at all. She was furious with him, but I don't think she told his wife.

DowntonCrabby · 11/11/2019 17:55

I’d want to know.