Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

I was the bewildered wife desperate for that phone call.

Wives know something is wrong when an affair is happening. They can't not - his energy (time, attention, inner thoughts, emotion, $$$ etc) is being spent elsewhere.

But they don't know WHAT is wrong. So they wonder what is wrong with them (self blame) and try harder (pick me dance). Perfect for him.

It is the right thing to tell her. I spend two years in the dark and someone in the know could have put me out of my misery.

I'm now an ex army wife. Please tell her. My husband cheated on me while he was "away" and would only come home every now and then and I didn't know for ages. I also had his child.

I would, and I think you could word it in such a way as to make it clear you're not gloating. Something like "I appreciate this is not an easy message to receive and I want to reassure you I am only contacting you as I think you deserve to know the facts. I've been dating a man I believed to be single, but I recently found out that he's actually your husband. Obviously I've now ended it. I'm happy to discuss further if you want more information but I understand you may not and if that's the case, I will leave you both alone."

And ... you warned him you hate cheating.

He was always playing with fire, the psychopathic c*. He has it coming.

Making a fool out of both of you and getting off on it.

As the wife I'd 100% want to know. I wouldn't care "what place" the information was coming from. You have every right to be hurt and angry so who cares why you're telling her!

I’d rather know. Please tell her.
Good luck.

Thanks for all the advice, having been cheated on in the past and being told by the other woman's boyfriend, I know first hand how horrible it can be to find out something like that. I really don't want to cause her any unnecessary hurt.

Yes, I have an awful lot of proof as we seemed to have a totally normal relationship. He met all my friends and family etc.

He wanted you to find out. Why else would he tell you that you could find him in the newspapers - because he knew you would hunt. I know, I've been there. I didn't tell his wife, not my place to tell her that her husband is a lying cheating sleaze bag - I got back at him in a far more subtle way - which I'm not saying as it is totally outing!

I wouldn’t tell her but I would tell him I was going to tell her

I think she should know, but agree that hearing from you might hurt more. Do you have a close friend who has met him who could tell her?

@OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg
perfect message. If he's told you all the relationships he's had, you need to tell her.
Why wouldn't you want to know.

Just walk away. If I were her I’d take very badly indeed to some stranger telling me my husband was sleeping with her.

She deserves to know, and don't forget, OP, you're not the one causing her unnecessary hurt, he is. By telling her you are hopefully preventing possibly years more deceit and upset, and giving her some control over an awful situation. I agree that OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg's message is perfect, and allows her to come back to you for more information/evidence should she wish to.

What a fetid, slithery, sewer rat. And how telling is it that you were able to rumble him because he was unable to resist boasting about his 5 minutes of media fame for 'something cool?' What a prick.

This happened to me at 18 (as the OW who had no idea I was the OW, and was left hanging on a string by a man I was besotted with). I refused to see what I didn't want to see, and believed him when he told me they were over. I've never been hurt like that before or since. It didn't occur to me to tell his partner.

I'm sorry you're hurt, but I hope the revelation of his true colours will quickly help you see you haven't lost anything worth having. His poor wife is in an even worse position, both of you having been used very ill by this self-absorbed jerk. As to whether or not you tell her, I have no view.

I hope you are able to focus on healing yourself and moving on.

What OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg has said 100%.

This woman deserves to know, she will be able to move on, find someone who loves her and her child enough not to do this to them. He's scum bag, sorry op I feel for you but there's a child involved that he's not been going home to, and I just think this lady needs to move on, not telling her enables him to continue this.

It hurts like hell to be told, I'd rather know so I can move on with my life though.

What an asshole!

OP I'm so so sorry! You should tell her absolutely but just remember the reaction you might get. Well done for thinking about her feelings when you're going through something so horrible. It shows what a good person you are.

She deserve to know

ConfusedBeetle
No in no circumstances tell her. She does not deserve it. If he is a serial cheat she will find out anyway. Just walk away
If everyone just walks away, how exactly will the wife find out???? This could have been and could continue to go on for years. Years of wasted time for her. She deserves to know.

The people saying they would react very badly to being told this - seriously?! Nobody is going to take it well by my god the poor woman deserves to be told the truth!

I've never understood the whole it's not your place/youre telling her for the wrong reasons thing. Imo that's nothing to do with it.

Even taking that into account, you were also in a relationship with this man and are entitled to be upset. You most likely won't get any praises for telling his wife, you might even get the blame if she doesn't have her head screwed on right, but it's about the truth and you may set her free to a better life if she does believe you.

You're won't be causing her unnecessary hurt OP. She needs to know.

"I appreciate this is not an easy message to receive and I want to reassure you I am only contacting you as I think you deserve to know the facts. I've been dating a man I believed to be single, but I recently found out that he's actually your husband. Obviously I've now ended it. I'm happy to discuss further if you want more information but I understand you may not and if that's the case, I will leave you both alone."

This is not the perfect message because of the word 'dating'. He will tell his wife you went on a few dates and nothing happened. You would need to explain the amount of time you spent together and that he's met all your friends and family.

Normally I would say walk away, but based on the amount of time you have been a couple and the meeting of friends/family, it was a proper relationship. Sadly she needs to know.

Yes, I would tell her and I wouldn't tell him I was telling her. But I'd tell her in as quiet a way as I could and assure her that I had said nothing to him, nor would I say anything to anyone else.

Let her learn in privacy so she can make up her mind without others knowing about it and putting pressure on her to act in a certain way. It will also let her confront him before he's had a chance to make up lies. She may know all or she may know nothing. But she's an innocent party in this and deserves to handle it in her own way.

So the thing he was in the paper for was real, reported under his real name, the same name as his FB, but he has given you a completely different name?

Yes, definitely tell her. You are not causing her hurt, he is.

How did you work out what his real name was if he gave you another one?