Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

She may already know, they may have an open marriage

Are you taking odds on that, cause my beg would be against ... And i'dbet a decent amount of money.

The only person benefiting from the cheated on partner not having the info is the cheater.

To those saying 'tell' are you really thinking this through?
It could destroy the children's lives.
Many affairs blow over whether the other partner knows or not.
Some marriages trundle on when an affair is revealed, and sometimes both partners are having affairs and simply don't care!

OP if you want revenge, the best you can do it tell him you will tell his wife. But don't. Let him squirm and go through hell wondering when and if you will.

*bet

The only person benefiting from the cheated on partner not having the info is the cheater.

Exactly

Are you taking odds on that, cause my beg would be against ... And i'dbet a decent amount of money.

Yes I am open to money because the OP says she knows she is not his first fling.

Wives have to be dumb, deaf and blind not to know their men are having multiple affairs. They know and they choose to ignore or they are having their own affairs too.

Is Lady Lucy the op's "boyfriend" : wtf?

Why do people assume that because OP is considering telling the wife, it's revenge.

Why can't it just be the right thing to do

I would want someone to tell me, regardless of what I decided to do after.

What happens next is their issue, but allow the wife to have all the facts first.

I would definitely tell his wife. I bet you're one in a long line of women this man has convinced to be his girlfriend over the years. He has the perfect set up, with his military career giving him plenty of opportunities not to be at home with his wife and child.
Get yourself to a GUM clinic too, just as a precaution.

Tell her. She has a right to know and to go on and try to make a happy relationship for herself with someone who doesn't cheat.

Someone said don't tell her because they may have an open marriage and they'll shoot the messenger.....why would they shoot the messenger if it was an open marriage??

Also if they had an open marriage most have agreements in place, I'd say most people would be disgusted and think their husband was a pig if they knew their partner was completely leading on another person with a double life acting like they were a full on couple!

Sandals you are tiresome. Just because I am one of some posters saying don't tell, why do you ask if I am the man in the question? Barmey.

There isn't just ONE answer to the OPs question ( ie yours!)

Would you have liked to know about him before hand, so you could make an informed decision on whether to waste any more time on the bastard? If the answer is Yes (which it will be) then she deserves the same. She might not care, she might blame you or she might already know. Least you telling her gives her that opportunity.

Wives have to be dumb, deaf and blind not to know their men are having multiple affairs.

Or the cheater has plausible explanation for being away all the time, like being in the army. Telling her hes home X date when really its Y date. Admittedly he would still probably show signs, but people like to ignore them sometimes, nothing like solid evidence to make you see what a shit bag you're with.

From experience, there's nothing worse than being the army wife waiting for your partner, constantly worrying. Being excited for the rare times they come home. I wish I'd known sooner that my ex husband was shagging around. All those excuses of having to stay at the barracks, not coming home more regularly to see me and his child. Refusing to move us into married quarters. All to find out well over a year later the real reasons why. All that heartache of missing someone for nothing. I was grateful that I only ended up wasting a couple of years in a relationship with a soldier like that. It made me miserable. Years of being gaslighted all to find out through a "mate of his and only told out of spite.

Please tell this woman. She deserves so much better than to waste her life waiting around for a military man who doesn't give a shit and uses his job to fuck around.

Wives have to be dumb, deaf and blind not to know their men are having multiple affairs. They know and they choose to ignore or they are having their own affairs too

Wow, talk about victim blaming. Maybe, just maybe, if this man lived at home 24/7 and did a regular 9-5 I might be more inclined to see your point. But he has a job where he has to spend a huge amount of time away from home. It’s very easy to cover multiple affairs in that scenario. Also very easy to convince your affair partner that your working when you have to go back and see the wife!

I’m with most other (sensible and logical) people here. Tell her. What she chooses to do from then on is up to her. That is the RIGHT thing to do, even if you are getting some revenge from it. Having the wrong motivations doesn’t make it the wrong thing to do. If it turns out that they have an open relationship, or she decides she just wants to ignore it, she can still do that. I never really get that as a “defence” used for not telling. Better to tell and know the other person is making an informed choice. Even if that choice is to stay with a cheating scumbag. She deserves to have all the facts and make the choice herself.

If you know now and you choose not to tell her then I'm not saying it makes you as bad as him but, you're enabling him. If you leave him he may just move on to another woman. Who may find out, choose not to tell her... you see the pattern? Who knows if there was a woman before you? Many women?

I'd 100% tell her and if I was her I'd be so hurt obviously but I'd have a lot of respect for you.

I would want to know just don't expect her to be nice about it as she'll likely be in shock and send proof before she blocks you.

I would tell her!

As someone that has been cheated on but made out like I was crazy for thinking it and then feeling crazy and paranoid and just having that guy feeling constantly until I found out! I just wish the girl had told me....would of saved me a lot of months going crazy!

What if she's suspicious and then your message will finally be the missing piece she has been looking for....your doing her a favour!

Someone said don't tell her because they may have an open marriage and they'll shoot the messenger.....why would they shoot the messenger if it was an open marriage??

I'm also pretty sure that when a marriage is 'open' that doesn't equate to getting another girlfriend and lying to the girlfriend about marital status. Or what your real name is

It means you're allowed sex/relationships with third parties - but the third party still knows what the set up is.

If we imagine he is in an open relationship (unlikely) and he has entered a serious relationship with another person under false pretences, then he is breaking the ground rules of an open relationship and so still actually cheating! And a spouse deserves to know if their ground rules are being broken - no matter what their ground rules are.

If someone thinks this particular set of circumstances sounds like an open relationship then they are probably a very gullible person who has been lied to, in the past, by a serial philanderer playing the 'open relationship' card - and hasn't yet noticed they've been being cheated on for years.

I would be tempted to post a picture of the two of you on his Facebook page...but that would hurt the wife and publically humiliate her, which she doesn’t deserve.
I think he needs to know you have found out his real name though. Why don’t you can him by his real name and see how he reacts? Or if you want to be less subtle, send him screen shots of what you discovered.
He needs to know that you have found out he has a wife, he may well not care or feel any remorse, in which case I would immediately message the wife. If he does seem genuinely sorry I would possibly walk away and not get involved.

Okay, so I was you once. Tell her. Ghost his stupid arse. And never look back. She deserves to know. I didn't find out until I had married the bastard. No one, not his parents, sister, or army pals told me of his long term partner, based abroad. She got in touch after seeing a random post on fb. She had cancer, he sat at her bedside. And still came back to me and I knew nothing. Because, we make excuses for our partners in the military. We don't know what they've been through, we don't understand why they're in a bad mood. Its the job isn't it..they're away so much missing their spouses and children. Are they hell. They use it as a smoke screen..a cover. I'm not tarring all with the same brush but..please, his wife deserves to know. She'll be sat at home, obliviously trying to keep it all together. Army life as a wife is tough enough without adding a cheat to the mix..tell her. Don't look back.

I dated someone in the army and had a similar experience, told me he was divorced with 2 kids but saw them a lot. When I did a bit of searching online it turned out he was still very much married and living with her. I think it’s pretty common with army men. I wouldn’t date anyone else in the forces.

Usually I wouldn’t encourage the “other woman” to go after the wife and come clean HOWEVER in this case; if I were the wife, I WOULD want to know.

Tell her and wether she decides to act on it is between them but I think I would say something.

This culture of cheating in military families is abhorrent and outdated. Tell her
This, completely.

I lived on the base with dh and some of the married unaccompanied blokes he worked with disgusted me. Every big night out, coming home with a different girl. It used to really annoy me, but there was little I could (obviously the wives who lived off camp were never invited to camp, so I never met them and it was in the days before social media and being able to communicate easily with people you did not know).
If you have a way you can get in touch with her, please tell her. If they have an open relationship, she won’t care and will already know. And if she doesn’t know (most likely) then she can stop missing him and start moving on with her life and find herself a decent partner who doesn’t think cheating on her is the right thing to do.

Wives have to be dumb, deaf and blind not to know their men are having multiple affairs.

Then a lot of MN posters must be.

But if course with him working away, using a different name, hiding his SM etc. - well, they must be dumber than rocks eh.