Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

I’m sorry the loudest shit has done this to you and his wife

As the wife is want to know, if you send something like what @OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg wrote that would be fine

Youre not the one hurting her, he is, you’d be giving her information to make decisions about her life & her health.

I’d definitely mention that he discussed many ‘girlfriends’ which you assume now were probably affairs too, so you’ll be getting tested and she should too.

Give her the opportunity to live a better life and to get her health checked out

🌷look after yourself too

Tell her before you tell him you know so he can’t set you up as some mad stalker!

Yes I think you should tell her. I’d also be inclined to tell his CO too but then perhaps I am a little vindictive!

I’d also be inclined to tell his CO too

Good luck with that, his CO won’t give a shiny shit.

Tell her.
He sounds like a psychopath.

So sorry

I'd tell her. Horrible for her but he'll be a serial cheat. Don't wait till you see him to finish it , just block him on everything, he'll work it out soon enough.

Yes tell her.

I was cheated on whilst I was pregnant. I could have had options if someone had told me. More than when I found out.

I would have been so grateful.

That’s some deception too. It must be horrible for you.

Absolutely tell her, as gently as you can, but tell her. I cannot believe the people who are encouraging you to leave this poor woman in the dark, her health is at risk, her husband is making a mockery of their marriage and family life, and completely disrespecting her.

I'd want to know, I wouldn't be happy about but I'd want proof. I can't stand those vague letters people get.

I'm a man. Tell her. This sort of shitty behaviour should not be condoned, supported, forgiven, or pandered to. This man is a shit.

@gingersausage

Yes, I know him under a totally different first name and surname but with the same initials. When he bought up the story it was pretty funny so I asked to read the article but we couldn't find it as he was obviously searching for his fake name in front of me. When I searched for it by myself I just searched for the circumstances and location and found it straight away. It included a picture of him with his real name, which he uses on Facebook.

@TheSandman you sound great. Wish you could tell that to my Ex. Wish I’d chosen someone like you!

This isn't your fault and it isn't the wife's fault so absolutely tell her you were in a relationship with her husband, thinking he was single.

Tell her.

With sufficient proof so he can't make out you're s stalker/psycho/delusional : all the usual things they call ow when caught.

OP Keep your dignity ..dump him and move on...let him rot where he belongs.I personally wouldnt tell her.You would gain nothing from doing so....I am sorry you are going through this.

I really do believe you but did he get his friends also to lie about his name or did you never meet any?

Please tell her , poor woman

The poor woman deserves to know. It will keep happening, her health will be at risk and she may well have a sense that's something wrong but never figured out exactly what. If you decide it's not your business and that someone else will inevitably tell her, this could go on for years. She doesn't deserve that. As someone who has been in her position, I would rather know

Tell her and apologise and explain you believed him and explain the circumstances of you finding out. Tell his CO too.

Yes, tell his wife about your relationship and what he said about others, so she has more information to inform her decisions about her life, including her sexual health.

I'd not tell her. She may already know, they may have an open marriage and you , the messenger, will get shot.

I can understand why you want to tell her but it's more about revenge than 'sisterhood' really isn't it? It's another way of getting back at HIM!

If you are certain you are not his first fling, the odds are she knows what he is like anyway. She has presumably chosen to stay with him for money, status, kids- whatever.

You are NOT going to do her a favour by telling her. She may be devastated, she may not. But it's not your role to enlighten her.
It will at the end of it all be your word against his and she may of course think YOU knew all along he was married and make your life pretty unpleasant.

Telling her will simply mean more angst for you.

You deal with this by letting go, walking off with your head held high and maintaining the moral high ground.

Leave them to it.

I agree to tell her. Sorry you’re hurting. Be proud of yourself for having a good moral compass.

You won't have been his first either, I imagine.
You've got nothing to lose by telling this woman. She's also an innocent victim in all this and could continue to be easily if someone doesn't speak up. And it's not like he will, will he?

Tell his CO too. That is one of the most mad suggestions here. As if the OP knows who it is, as if they will take any notice of a civilian grassing on one of them. Have you any idea what you are suggesting? It's not a court martial offence in the Forces to be unfaithful to your spouse.

I was the other woman and didn't know. A friend found out and didn't tell me. I actually fell pregnant and he disappeared forever. I'll NEVER forgive the friend for not telling me. Of COURSE you should tell her.

Posters against telling are making assumptions about motivation behind OW telling. OP Whatever an OM or OW’s motivation the cheated on party is better off knowing IMO.