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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh no I'm the other woman

323 replies

UncertainWoman · 11/11/2019 14:41

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

OP posts:
raspberrymolakoff · 11/11/2019 16:41

It's all very well most saying to tell the wife. How though, how do you do it kindly? I could never do this anonymously but not sure how on earth it can be done kindly.

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 16:41

*of course

IceBlock · 11/11/2019 16:42

If it were me, I’d want to know so I say you tell her. It’ll hurt her, obviously but I’d want to know.

Loopytiles · 11/11/2019 16:42

Sharing info affecting someone’s life IS kind.

dottiedodah · 11/11/2019 16:45

I think she may already know or at least suspect something TBH Many wives may wish to know ,but you would probably be shot !(Messengers and all that!) Probably best to end it and walk away I think

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 16:46

Sandals you are tiresome. Just because I am one of some posters saying don't tell, why do you ask if I am the man in the question? Barmey.

Tiresome because I challenged your "the wife just know, she'd have to be so stupid not to .. it's probably an open marriage anyway" nonsense.

That was a rhetorical question, did you not grasp that - highlighting how you're actually putting forward arguments that the ops cheating ex would use. "Itll ruin the children's lives!!" Etc.

peridito · 11/11/2019 16:48

Sounds awful OP ,I'm so sorry .
Did you ever meet his friends or family ? And yes I think you should tell .Hopefully you can get the wife's details to do so .

And Sad for others who have been in this position .I was cheated on years ago and it makes you doubt everything ,turns your world complately upside down .

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 16:48

*the wife must know

How ironic that you blast other posters for not acknowledging alternative viewpoints ... while attacking and deriding other viewpoints as though yours is the only valid one.

suesylvesterr · 11/11/2019 16:48

Yeah she might have suspicions but I can guarantee he would probably shut it all down and tell her she was paranoid/crazy.

It is a shit message to deliver. It's really shit to hear. But to finally realise you weren't crazy like he made you out to be meant more.

Crazybunnylady123 · 11/11/2019 16:53

I think you know you need to tell her. Most women would want to know if they were being cheated on. It’s her decision what she chooses to do with the information, but can you really move on without telling her?

Dodie66 · 11/11/2019 16:53

Where on earth does his wife think he is if he spends most of his time with you and spends most nights at yours? Are you sure he is still with her? She might already suspect

Woollycardi · 11/11/2019 16:55

I find it quite creepy that he was searching himself on the internet with you, knowing you wouldn't be able to find him under that name. Sorry this has happened to you, how shit. Walk away...run even. And I would say tell his wife. I would want to know.

FriedasCarLoad · 11/11/2019 16:57

I’d want to know.

What a horrible situation for you and her Flowers

Ginger1982 · 11/11/2019 16:58

Did you never meet any of his family and friends? If not, did you not think that was strange?

I would tell her.

Reallynowdear · 11/11/2019 16:58

Tell her, not only is he an arse but he's putting hers, yours, probably others, sexual health at risk.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 16:58

Yes, I know him under a totally different first name and surname but with the same initials. When he bought up the story it was pretty funny so I asked to read the article but we couldn't find it as he was obviously searching for his fake name in front of me. When I searched for it by myself I just searched for the circumstances and location and found it straight away. It included a picture of him with his real name, which he uses on Facebook.

That was pretty "careless" of him. It never occurred to him you might do a bit of searching of your own and find him out?

Original poster
UncertainWoman · 11/11/2019 17:02

I didn't meet his friends or family as he had recently moved to a base near to where I live. He's from another part of the country originally and said he didn't like to socialise with people from the army.

I'm guessing that makes me a bit of a mug in hindsight.

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 11/11/2019 17:05

I'm guessing that makes me a bit of a mug in hindsight.

No. This is one of those rare black and white situations where just one person is entirely to blame.

Autumntoowet · 11/11/2019 17:06

I would tell her.
I wish someone had told me.
It would have saved a lot of humiliation, heartache, money and time

sam221 · 11/11/2019 17:06

Op you are not a mug but he is a pig. Tell his wife, at least she then has some control back and can go get herself tested.
O it's a shame that the clothes he has at yours shrunk in the wash!

81Byerley · 11/11/2019 17:10

It's not your job, but I'd tell him you might....

LadyLucyLocket · 11/11/2019 17:11

So he has given you an alias name? His real name is not the one he gave you?

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Are you being 100% honest here? It seems a bit of a long shot that you googled and found him in the papers simply by using his initials. (I do a lot of digging with my work and I can't see how you struck lucky with that!) Was he so silly that he told you what he'd been in the papers for or you found it simply by searching his initials, with no other info to hand? So you put in FG or whatever his initials are and you found him?

How could you spend all those nights with him and he was away from home? Did he tell his wife he was on a mission somewhere? Where did she think he was?

MsDogLady · 11/11/2019 17:13

This disgusting, sleazy man has actually created an alias and is living a double life of deceit. He has used and abused multiple women, including his wife.

OP, you are no longer in the dark. Surely his wife also deserves to know the truth!

MummytoCSJH · 11/11/2019 17:13

A very very similar thing happened to me. Eerily similar actually. He was still doing basic training away from home so most weekends he was with me and stayed at my house and during the week he was there. Very little social media. Nothing to be concerned about, we’d been together a year-ish and very happy. He'd met my family, I'd met his mum (who it turns out just thought we were very close friends :S) All of a sudden one day he comes home, cries, tells me the entire time since we’d met and been together he’d had a long term girlfriend, she’d found out about us( when she saw a message pop up on his phone) and begged me not to tell her anything as he’d convinced her that our messages were old and nothing was going on. Obviously, I told her the whole truth. When we chatted more some things made sense but it was so confusing for both of us. I still can't believe he managed to spend so much time with her and with me and neither of us had a clue! What a prick!

BumbleBeee69 · 11/11/2019 17:15

Are you being 100% honest here? It seems a bit of a long shot that you googled and found him in the papers simply by using his initials

She didn't use his initials.. she googled the circumstances of the story he had told her.. the place the time the event... and the article popped up, that's when she realised by the photos that he has used his own initials.. then found him on FB.