Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
   
2. Develop a thick skin.
   
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
   
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
   
5. Trust your gut instinct.
   
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
   
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
   
8. If it's not fun, stop.
   
9. Loo update is mandatory.
   

10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Hope I’ve done it right! Titled for jesuis last bit of advice and because I love the song by the Editors!

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Hello! Thanks @Marlboroandmalbec34

[Anewbooknotanewchapter]

Tentatively posting for some advice. Im separated after 12 years together and just wondering how soon people started dating again after their r'ships ended. Also wondering if there is much hope for me in the online dating world...am 52! Which are the best sites? I get the feeling most men are looking for younger women. Feel very nervous about it all

[JeSuisPrest]

Thanks @Marlboroandmalbec34 a clean, shiny new fred. 😁

[Eesha]

@Marlboroandmalbec34 thank you!

Seeing FWB today which I'm looking forward to as is an overnight stay, first in a few months even though we see each other more often. Really miss that sort of intimacy though. Not getting overinvested as lots of nights out booked over next few weeks.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

yay people are using my thread! Haha I have such a fear of rejection! Yes should probably talk to someone 🙈

anewbook welcome! It really depends when you feel ready. I started online dating 7 months after my marriage ended. Tbh looking back I wasn’t ready. I was desperately seeking validation from men but I have found it a lot of fun. I am now just over 1 yr post split and whilst I am kind of exclusivity dating someone (v early days) I am still not sure I am ready for a proper grown up relationship.
I think start with Tinder. I think everyone is on Tinder 😁
Don’t worry about your age. We are a real mixed bag of men and women on this thread and you will see we all go through the same things.
When you are ready. Read and reread the rules at the top and post here. The folk on there threads have kept me sane

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@Anewbooknotanewchapter Hi and welcome

Everyone is different and some people feel ready to dip their toe into the OL dating world fairly quickly while others prefer to wait a while.

I started 6 months after my separation. I'm hindsight I probs my wasn't really ready but I met a few nice guys and the ego boost was nice after having been cheated on in my marriage of 13 years.

I paid to join Match to start with for 6 months and it was a nice, safe intro to OLD but now I just use the free sites (Tinder, bumble, etc). It's very hot and miss but I think people of all ages use them. I am 40.

Good luck and keep coming on here for advice!

[MoreNiceCereal]

Anewbook I've jumped into it very quickly, but I'm only after a friends with benefits situation. I have no interest in any proper relationship.

My only iron is a fwb setup with Mr TDB (tall, dark and bearded). I am not on the apps right now and whenever this fwb runs its natural course I will probably take a break from involving myself with other people. Not sure if I even belong on this thread, thinking about it!

[Anewbooknotanewchapter]

Thanks for the welcome and advice.
I was desperately seeking validation from men
Yes.... this resonates with me.
When I got married I think I 'settled' as I was so worried about being alone. I was bringing up two children on my own and guess I just couldn't believe anybody would want to date me and marry me...pathetic really but I was at a very low ebb at the time. I am pretty sure I dont want to live with someone again so looking for companionship in the first instance I guess. It's scary to face the future alone but equally I had to make the hardest decision to end my marriage as he became abusive when drinking. I'd just had enough of it.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

morenice of course you belong. So many people here well on the smitten bench who cannot really be described as actively dating! These threads are where the cool people hang out (Like lurking outside pub doors when the smoking ban first came in 😂)
I

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

anew my stbxh was a nice enough guy most of the time but he was very abusive and aggressive when drinking and it got worse and worse.

Just be aware of it. I was seeking validation and through online dating I got it. That sounds terrible but I think as long as you know what’s happening it’s maybe ok?

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

I also had 6 months counselling via women’s aid and am doing the Freedom programme in September

[JeSuisPrest]

I'll hold my hand up to being a thread interloper but I'm too invested in everyone's love lives to leave 😳.

I've had so much good advice here I'd probably still be shagging my way through Tinder if I hadn't had a couple of "have a fucking word with yourself JeSuis" messages from some posters giving me tough love.

@Anewbooknotanewchapter I waited 18 months after my separation before I dipped my toe into OLD. It was a baptism of fire and I certainly had a lot of fun. It's very much like a kid in a sweet shop experience at first, but that novelty wears off when you realise what you actually want.

There's all sorts of relationships on here from ONS, FWB, exclusive FWB, can't put a label on it relationships but we're both happy with how it is, multi dating and those on the smitten bench who have found someone they're cock a hoop about who hopefully feels the same way back.

[Lillyrose19]

In hindsight I settled with my ex husband, I knew it too but was too scared to do anything about it. I jumped in quick but probably was too soon. I too want validation. It goes back to confidence again really. Think I need to go on some kind of retreat!!

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

jesuis I am so invested in others relationships on here and sometimes I tell my real life friends something from here and then have to pretend it’s someone else I know irl!

I was madly in love with my stbxh but his behaviour was terrible and I knew I should leave but time was ticking and I really really wanted dc. They are obviously wonderful but I am now stuck co parenting with a twat!

[Ginmel]

@JeSuisPrest you need to stay here so we can make sure you don't do anything daft if you are pissed off (meant with kindness, you and Mr C have something special)

[putastrawunderbaby]

Checking in...... Welcome Anewbook. I dated almost immediately after my marriage broke up, which propped up my ego but wasn't a brilliant idea in hindsight. It's okay to make mistakes. I learnt a lot from getting burnt, not least that my ex was wrong when he said no-one would ever want me.

I have a new iron that I like a lot - Mr SK - but he's very very involved with a group similar to Fathers for Justice and has been embroiled in court proceedings for years. Thoughts please, wise daters?

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

I have a massive urge to swipe. It’s addictive! I also desperately want to check if Mr Big has logged onto fabswingers since our exclusivity chat (which was his idea) but the only way to check is to log on myself which if he then logs on he will see that I have logged on but then he shouldn’t be logging on really 🙈🙈🙈

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

putastraw would really need the context to judge. My STBXH is always threatening to take me back to court BUT in his case it’s about torturing me not about the DC. Our court order sets out contact (we went through court as I wanted assurance he had to return them as had made threats that I wouldn’t see them again) the order says if he wants additional he can ask and I will try and accommodate. He had never requested additional but keeps telling me he is taking me back to court for more. It’s all about power for him.

I am sure there are many great fathers who have a hard time getting contact BUT I think I would want to know why the mother was restricting contact and judge from there

[JeSuisPrest]

I'm glad it's not just me @Marlboroandmalbec34, I'll often have a conversation along the lines of "My friend was telling me the other day about this guy she met ..." by friend I mean one of you lovely lot 😂.

Thanks @Ginmel, you know me too well. 😳. I'll try not to have any dramas this weekend - I'm only seeing him tonight and back home in the morning. What could possibly go wrong...? 🙈

[JeSuisPrest]

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Don't log in. You need to trust him. You'd feel horrible if he was checking up on you. You've both agreed to be exclusive so take him at his word that he's off the apps. Send him a nice message instead saying your thinking about him or something.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

jesuis shitwith don’t leave. I need you 😁

Good plan jesuis!

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I like the smitten sticking around. It gives me hope (and makes me envious at the same time).

I am currently sat in the hairdressers with a head full of foils, feeling very unsexy but drinking tea and reading magazines so I'll take it.

Off to meet up with Mr SAS later on for cinema and drinks. No dtd as he can't stay over at mine or me at his due to his 16 year old daughter being at home so last train home for me. It actually feels rather like a date!

[Ratbagcatbag]

Hello everyone.

I've been lurking for ages, but would anyone mind if I joined?

I've been dating Mr S for about 8 weeks, but at 6 weeks in we had the exclusive conversation and he said were not, he's not sure what he wants yet, but he isn't dating other people. I like him, but I'm not sitting around being second best whilst he wonders what's out there. So I'm still seeing him, but not keeping him as my only.

I've randomly got a lunch date in an hour. Someone I chatted to online. Realised that he lives right near me and we've decided for a quick drink at lunch. Slightly panicking but figure it's only an hour of my time.

I also think I'm going to join E harmony - unless anyone has any better suggestions on paid sites. I have to avoid the free ones.

I hope no one minds me joining in, I feel like the newbie compared to how well you all know each other.