Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Ratbagcatbag Hi and welcome.

I have a similar situation with MrSAS. We were seeing each other for a couple of months and I assumed we were exclusive (never assume!) but it turned out that's not what he wanted so I called it a day but then went to a gig 'as friends' and now we have a non-exclusive but very caring relationship going on, which is not something I thought I'd ever do. Works for now though as my life is pretty chaotic.

I think as long as you are both honest and ok with what is going on then it can work but like you, I'm not closing the door to meeting someone who is looking for a little more.

Can I ask why you have to stay away from the free sites? I joined Match.com for 6 months when I first started OLD and it was a good intro but now I use the free ones and find its mostly the same people on them anyway!

Welcome, Ratbag and good luck on the date today! Keeping your options open is a good choice I think.

And this is a very welcoming crowd! I haven't been dating long at all, but have already utilised the wisdom here to my benefit.

Thank you all.

I'll update on my date today. We only started chatting last night on a forum, and less than 24 hours later I'm meeting him.

Free sites are a no. I work in engineering. Very male dominated. They are awful at times and they stalk the free sites and catfish people they know constantly. They're already tried to find out what I use but I don't share anything with them. It would be horrendous if anyone found my profile. They'd all share it and laugh and I don't have the confidence to deal with that. A decent paid site means they are much less likely to be on it.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I shouldn't encourage you but I'll check Mr Big's most recent log in if you pm me his fab nickname

Yay! New thread! Love the title.

Okay, first to reply to Qs from the previous thread...

I get that 10 dates is quite a few but I don't think anyone should "expect" sex

They should expect sex if sexting has suggested it's going to happen! Right?

Agree though that if things are stressing you out this much, MrShakes probably isnt the right one for you

I think I'd be chalking this one up as a loss

I really think you should say goodbye to Mr S. He's really triggered something in you and can't help but think you should both move on

Yep. If tonight is a flop, I will gracefully bow out. Such a deep shame as he ticks every other box. No one has ticked as many boxes in my life :( I;ve had an experience in the past where a partner failed first time but all the times thereafter were great and he is, to date, the best lover I've had. So I still have hope.

there are ways of working through this particular hurdle

The only advice I have been giving is to essentially shut up and not mention it :( That leaves everything in his court and I'm powerless.

a bloke demanding to know why I wasn't getting wet would make my fanny shrivel like a popped balloon

On the other hand, it could make you closer as a couple if you actually give the true bloody reason.

perhaps invest in a vibrator if all you want is a hard phallus

You see, this is crap. Because I want a relationship WITH sex I'm framed as just wanting a hard phallus?? wtf.

There is no way I would have sex with someone after ten dates

You'd wait longer?

I just want to say thank you for how tactfully most of you have handled my predicament. You've been both kind and straight with me. I shall loo update you all tonight. Mr Shakes and I are going to a comedy club and I'm excited. Haven't had a childfree night in ages.

he said were not, he's not sure what he wants yet, but he isn't dating other people

That's a bizarre contradiction. You're not exclusive but he's not dating other people?

We were seeing each other for a couple of months and I assumed we were exclusive (never assume!) but it turned out that's not what he wanted

Did he say why?

I've randomly got a lunch date in an hour. Someone I chatted to online.

How did it go??

They are awful at times and they stalk the free sites and catfish people they know constantly.

Wow. Just wow. Surely that's illegal?

Thank you ginmel I am going to leave it for now and trust. I have a nice day planned and if he’s been logging on I will feel terrible.
Might take you up on the offer another day though!

I have messaged him but he hasn’t read or responded yet. We have always had a very relaxed comms style which was fine but I wonder if now we are supposedly exclusive should I expect a bit more? It’s like nothing’s changed 🙈

looupdate I will have my fingers and toes crossed for you!

No probs @Marlboroandmalbec34 Maybe comms will change in time?

I’m another one (very firmly) on the smitten bench but I’m just too overinvested in everyone else’s love lives. Perhaps I need a hobby. 😂

Welcome to the new people. These are great threads.

@LooUpdate I really do hope it works out for you tonight. I think we all do.

But I still really don’t agree that anyone owes anyone sex, whatever they might say or promise beforehand or whatever the situation might be. Sometimes it doesn’t happen and that always has to be ok.

@LooUpdate

It's bizarre, in ref to him not dating anyone else. I'm torn between he's playing me and he's terrified of a relationship and labelling it. But he's left the door wide open.

Lunch date is in ten mins. Will update later.

And yes to catfishing. It's awful. And I don't want to fall vicitim to it. I'd be gutted. So I have to avoid the free sites.

Thanks for the new thread! I love all the smitten folk hanging around, and welcome to the newfolk too, you're very welcome here!

Somebody asked about eharmony - I was on there for a year before giving up and going for Bumble. I thought paid and their never bloody ending questionnaire would be would mean better quality matches, but in truth it meant it was pricey, less matches and they were still after more money! And the (few) guys I met from there weren't for me.

I moved onto bumble a month or two ago and have had better matches and more dates already, and I've been eyeing up the smitten bench since I met Mr 5in1 a couple of weeks ago. So I guess I'm flying the flag for bumble!

Waxing done. Legs and "edges only," jesuis so that's my excuse for fast tracking - surprisingly unpainful, though eyebrow threading was a little intense! Now, how do I get rid of the odd bits of wax that have now got black trouser fluff on them?!

LooUpdate I also have my fingers crossed for you both 🤞 so hope you have a lovely night.
I don't agree that the only advice you've been given is to shut up, there has been some good advice from women that have experienced this, plus some incredibly candid posts from men who've gone through it. I'm assuming you've read it all?
But as this guy ticks so many boxes for you I do hope he manages to tick this one as well 👍
You're absolutely right that being able to talk honestly about it is important, but there's not many people that would feel comfortable doing it so early in a relationship.
MissH and I had a very open conversation yesterday along similar lines, but that's taken almost 6 weeks and I'd estimate we've 'dated' around 25-30 times, so this trust takes time to build before you can both open up about any anxieties.

XXVandU sorry I can't write your username 😂
Good luck on your date hope it goes really well 👌

But I don't think loo or anybody claimed that they were owed sex, @Ratbagcatbag ? Just that they had expected it would have happened by date 10 - I think I would have to have a very good reason if things weren't at least heading that way by then to remain interested - I've been out with guys who we still hadn't kissed by date 5 and it felt like I was being used as company to go out and that I could have been anybody, rather than being sought to be in a relationship with me specifically - that might be fine for some people, but it wasn't for me. I understood looupdate's use of the word expected to mean that, and not in an "I've given you ten sodding dates now you owe me the D" kind of way. But I could be wrong, who knows .

Fwiw I've had experiences with guys who couldn't perform for whatever reason. They were very much still up for doing other stuff, and my way of handling it was to reassure that it wasn't an issue and we could just cuddle and chat with no expectations. They all left me very satisfied ... PIV is important, but definitely not the be all and end all of sexual activity IMHO.

Hope you have a great date tonight @LooUpdate.

I was responding to this @XXVaginaAndAUterus: ‘They should expect sex if sexting has suggested it's going to happen! Right?’. I really don’t think anyone is in any way obliged to have sex whatever they’ve said while sexting previously.

Thanks for the new thread, Marlboro I'm another smitten one who won't give up thw dating thread lol

Welcome to the new people. This is such a supportive thread (and the ones I was on 2 or 3 years ago were, too). As to how soon to start dating - I was the one who instigated the divorce (had been married over 25 years) and had been mustering the courage to divorce for 2 years, so I was dating within 6 months of that. The validation was helpful, and as my divorce was very long, drawn out and hideous, the fun I had was a great stress reliever 😉

I mostly used free sites - POF, OK Cupid, Tinder ... had just started with Bumble when I met the lovely Mr BC. I met him on a swinging site, as I was looking for another FWB (as was he). You never know where you'll meet someone! I'm 55, and haven't had an issues getting dates.

Loo I hope it goes okay tonight - it's obviously been really triggering for you. And I do get that (I can't be around drunk people, my ex is an alcoholic). So Mr S may not be the man for you.

Ratbag fast work! I hope it goes well. I met Mr BC less than 12 hours after 'meeting' him online ...

Lilly - you really seized the moment! I really hope it works out for you.

Am meeting up with Mr BC in 2 hours - can't wait ... squeeeeeeee!!

@LooUpdate

*We were seeing each other for a couple of months and I assumed we were exclusive (never assume!) but it turned out that's not what he wanted

Did he say why?*

He doesn't agree with/believe in monogamy. It's not necessarily that he's seeing other women right now (although he might be) but I don't think he wants to promise something he might not deliver (ie an exclusive relationship)

Thanks @Ant330 (I can write yours ) - I do need to name change again soon. I get a fit of the giggles when somebody types a reply especially if they get it slightly wrong, like XXXVagina I have such a childish sense humour

Marlboroandmalbec34 Crustaceans Ant330 JeSuisPrest BatshitCrazyWoman (hope I didn't miss anyone out) Thank you! He's picking me up at 4pm. Despite this being crunch time I'm not nervous. I see myself as having nothing to lose at this point. I bet he's nervous though. I wonder how he's going to play it.

Crustaceans I never said I was 'owed' sex, however he misled me to believe we were going to have sex and also that the sex would involve him being dominant and taking charge.

I'm torn between he's playing me and he's terrified of a relationship and labelling it

Both are not good. How are you going to proceed? Hope the lunch date is going well! Loo update us!

eyebrow threading was a little intense

I'd probably get drunk if I were to get that done. Do you have to wait for your eyebrows to get bushy first?

Ant330

Yes, I believe I've read all the advice. Essentially it was patience. Thing is, I showed patience with my husband. Weeks easily turn into months which easily turn into years. They really do. The excuses keep coming and then I feel pity/guilt for him. I fall more and more in love. Then before I know it, I'm trapped in a sexless marriage. Sounds extreme but that's how it happened for me.

You're absolutely right that being able to talk honestly about it is important, but there's not many people that would feel comfortable doing it so early in a relationship

Even if the relationship were about to end? My plan tonight is to have a serious talk if things don't happen. I've got nothing to lose at that point and can at least give him a chance to have his say.

MissH and I had a very open conversation yesterday along similar lines

About sex? Do you have the same problem as Mr Shakes?

I'm wondering if I fucked up by telling him about my experience with my husband on date 4. I was following my gut instinct. It was part of the "why did you split with your ex" conversation. I wanted to be open and honest. I wanted to give him 'permission' to approach me physically and explained that I would find it reassuring. He smiled and said "Communication is good, isn't it?" But I'm wondering if it freaked him out?

I've been out with guys who we still hadn't kissed by date 5 and it felt like I was being used as company to go out

Absolutely! I always reach in for a kiss on first date if I like the guy.

I'm 55, and haven't had an issues getting dates

That is such a relief to hear. In this youth-obsessed culture I worry very much that if I'm single by my 50s I'd be screwed. How old are the men you're dating? Good luck with Mr BC! Our dates start at the same time.

@XXVaginaAndAUterus, I think you name checked me there and I've come in the middle of a conversation. I definitely have no idea about the owed sex conversation. (In fact I strongly believe no one is owed any sex if that helps )

So lunch date was meh. I don't fancy him, it literally lasted one hour and there was so ridiculously no spark it's daft. I'm now home and I've sent him a message saying nice to meet him but not for me (paraphrased a lot, I was nicer than that).
Darn it. Mr S has messed it up as our first date lasted 8 hours. We didn't want it to end. And it's been awesome since. I just feel meh about lack of exclusiveness.

Guess e harmony it is.

It's a numbers game as they say round here.

These sorts of things are good experience. I was ghosted by my last meh date,which was no loss really, but next time I will send a message anyway. Little polite gestures like that are important to me, it turns out.

Ratbagcatbag sorry to hear the date was crap. How did he take the rejection text?

He hasn't read it yet (on whatsapp). He pretty much said after an hour "I don't want to take up your whole afternoon" so I'm pretty sure he's on the same page. He's lovely, just not for me.

@MoreNiceCereal - that was my logic. I'd hate to be ghosted, so a kind message being clear I think is the best way. Even if I cringe writing it.

Building up to being properly brave for online dating now.