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Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.(418 Posts)
I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.
Hmm, several stunts spring to mind. - Making my only child's 1st birthday all about her.
- stealing the (rented) vases from our wedding day then refusing to bring them back because she had wet hair.
- playing music loudly all hours when I was trying to study for my Alevels. I was a shaking wreck. A wonder I passed, which was her motivation all along. She wanted me to fail.
I have many more instances. We've been NC for 8 months now Good luck with healing
Refused to come to my wedding because I hadn't invited "Aunty SoandSo" who I hadn't seen for 25yrs plus and don't interact with.
Telling my 4 year old that the baby was mummy’s favourite now.
God where to begin, she has passed away now and l don't like speak ill of the dead but she made my life hell as a child/teen and l ran away from, 15 onwards never really to return except when dragged back and married an abusive man at 17 just to escape really. She used to paste me every morning up to about age ten or eleven as l was a bedwetter (no surprise really) and she just thought it was laziness. I remember sitting in the docs with her one time and him telling her 'Mumsfirstname' you know you mustn't hit her it will make things worse' and she swore blind she never laid a finger on me' l rember being too terrified to speak up for the hiding l would've got when l got home. I'm so glad it's easier these days for kids to speak up and tell someone and much more chance bei g listened too.
When she was old and I firm l was the one out of four of us that stepped up and cared for her for her final years. My dad was lovely but a weak man and she was the dominant one, he was also a victim of her in a way l think.
'old an infirm' and meant to add dad was very hen pecked and she played on the fact he was so chivalrous and would never so much as raise his voice to a woman and in his further defence he was usually at work or downstairs and didn't know how bad she was lm sure.
Not my Mum but my Dad
Refused to get out of the car for my graduation until someone got him a Mars Bar
Claiming he was dying of cancer ( not just once)
Offering to sell my neighbours furniture for them and then keeping it, resulting in them constantly harassing ME for the money
Leasing a car and then dumping it back in a state and owing money at the garage - the garage owner turned up at MY place of work looking for him
Stealing my brothers bike and selling it and then claiming it was me
Sitting at Christmas dinner but refusing to eat because he hadn’t got the present he wanted
When my Mum left him he used to adopt dogs of a certain breed that we had always had and my Mum loved and then take them to her house and dump them in her garden. It was pre microchip days so she would then have to take them to rescue centres which absbroke her heart every time
There’s a lot more but most of it isn’t believable
I went NC when I was pg as I wasn’t going to subject any child to him
Oh yes the pretending they're dying from cancer.
I'm the same @Hopping. As soon as my son could understand words, that was it contact wise.
After I was bullied into inviting her, she refused to attend my full wedding (came to the church) and then tried to get my bridesmaid to ditch me/the reception and go to the pub with her.
When I met my DH she told me that a man like him would never stay with someone like me and that he should be with someone like her (I am a big woman, she was skinny at the time).
Told me I should put my unborn ds up for adoption or give him to her as I was going to get postnatal depression again.
Used the money we gave her to come visit at Christmas on a deposit for a puppy instead.
Finally crossed a boundary I had set with the warning would never speak to her again if she repeated the action. Her excuse was because she was jealous I was speaking to my grandparents about my baby who was due in 2 weeks instead of her.
We have been estranged for over 14 months now and I have never been calmer.
When confronted with some home truths that she didn’t want hear she staged a full on fake heart attack. Clutching her chest & slumped in the chair I told her that I knew she was faking. Ten minutes later she was drinking tea & eating sandwiches like it had never happened.
Told me I was to blame for my dad abusing her all my life til this very day 'i wanted you to have a dad' and then told 10 year old me i was the reason for my sisters miscarriage...
workinprogress ironically he actually did eventually
I decided it was Karma and didn’t visit him in hospital or go to the funeral
Another who had a DM with alleged cancer. It was my fault she got it too.
I was totally broke having ended my marriage to an abusive husband and was not receiving benefits but still wanted to attend my friends wedding so she offered me a lovely dress she had never worn. Morning of wedding I rang cheerfully to say I was on way for dress to find she decided to go on a last minute holiday that morning and had taken the dress with her.
Told my then 4 year old that Mummy did not love him.
Screamed and shouted at a family party once how I was a loser and would never make anything of myself because I had been made redundant and left my abusive husband all in the same space of time.
'Forgot' to bring my passport in for emergency renewal so I could go to my cousins funeral then told everyone I just did not want to fly over for it. She was going in to renew her own and offered to do mine at the same time but clearly chose not to when she got there - she never gave me back the money either.
I could think of loads if I had time to type them all up.
Where to start!!
1. yes - multiple "cancer" scares. The most notable of which meant I could not attend university away from home and had to attend the shitty Poly.
2. Told DN1 that mummy and daddy didn't love her now they had DN2.
3. Had a fake heart attack at her own mothers funeral after ignoring her for months as she died from cancer, all because my nan had told her off for the way she treated me (I was 3) My nans sisters stepped over her as she lay outside the church, clutching her chest.
4. Never told me she loved me, even as a child.
Had "my" cat put to sleep without even telling me she was ill or allowing me to say goodbye
TBH it's made me so upset to remember that I don't want to think about her other shenanigans, of which there have been many. I still miss that little furry baby now, and I'm furious that I never had the chance to say goodbye.
Good for you OP, freeing yourself from this toxic relationship.
My story is not so much outrageous stunts from my mum (dead now, not at all missed) but oh -- a thousand thousand cuts.
'Taking your successes for their own' - oh yes! 'I only want to hear good news' was the perpetual refrain -- good news re our jobs, salaries, promotions, grand children's successes, -- now we know that meant anything that could count as narcissistic fodder. But omg she was so useless when we were young and struggling with our own families. 'Been there, done that, got the t shirt' was the absolute sum total of our mother's empathy.
As other posters mention, big family events like weddings were definitely a cue for incredibly inappropriate behaviour as she couldn't be the centre of attention.
Our children missed out as the focus of our lives continued to be our mother. My daughter loved her grandma -- how could she know what perfect narcissistic fodder she was -- pretty, confident, private school, Cambridge. Her experience of my mother is that she felt valued even if her own mum was running around checking grandma was ok.
Is it a special narc thing to deliberately praise someone else for what you might be thought to want praise or affirmation for? So many BEAUTIFUL babies that were the children of strangers. So many CHARMING strangers, such WONDERFUL travel companions, table sharers, check out personel.
Later when I finally escaped my horrible narc ex (yes my life lived twice in service), she came to see me in the cottage I'd bought and all she could do was look around disparagingly and tell me endlessly, in mind boggling detail and with great intent how BEAUTIFUL a relative's house was ..
Once we met her at Gatwick, were subjected to a 15 minute tsunami of praise about a wonderful travel companion after which she drew breath, turned round and said 'no kisses? No hellos?'
We lived our whole lives in a world of blame. Until she died.
Appearance was all that mattered. We were trained to compliment her endlessly, and ask interested questions about her nail varnish etc. But there was no reciprocity. Only one person mattered. There was zero acknowledgment of the efforts we went to for her special birthdays etc. I suddenly saw this when for one event my younger sister transformed herself from
a middle aged dog walker into Audrey Hepburn. It was impossible not to react and I realized that my mother was deliberately withholding any acknowledgment of my sister's appearance.
Support was one way too. We gave. Didn't receive.
When she was nearing her 90s in order to clear the house a bit we had to endure lacy undies, teddies and basques (??) being held up for our delectation and stories told of their purchase and wearings. Grotesquely inappropriate.
She had to have help getting out of the bath which my sister and I were happy to do, but she loved to show off her legs and would flash them up out of the bath and scissor them around fishing for compliments.
You can see that my examples are not from my childhood. Like you OP it has taken decades to reach this clarity.
My parents had 5 children. On the surface people saw our posh house, my super attractive and sparkling mother, handsome Madmen type dad -- we children were dirty, emotionally and physically neglected. We've all had problems with alcohol and drugs.
Oh sorry should add we had some value where we could be said to reflect our parents. For example my elder sister was thought to have my father's brains. I was decreed to have my mother's looks. My little sister had my mother's hair. (Fucking unbelievable, isn't it) after that they couldn't really be bothered to ascribe any special qualities to us.
My narc mother was a truly awful person, a mother only in the crudest most basic sense, and I am glad she is dead.
Hope you have other support OP, and you can leave your mum behind and enjoy the rest of your life.
My DM was not Narc but OMG my DD don't half make up for that.
Their partner hit me, is this now an acceptable thing for daughter's partner to hit possible MIL. He was a violent piece of trash. The usual could not hit a man but very willing to hit old folks, women and children. The worst thing was that being totally unprepared to accept being hit, I was going to hit him right back when DD said don't hit him. Where was don't hit my mum / woman.
I mentioned a built in cupboard in a bedroom in the house. I was screamed at that no such cupboard ever existed. The house has been owned twice as long as DD has been alive.
Any mention of things which happened before their birth is denied. Weird how they are so sure about things that happened while they were not present. Even things that happened when they were present are twisted out of all recognition.
According to DD I am stupid and cant do a thing right but pick up my children, DGC, and mind for 6 hours. If I am so bad why leave a child with me? Why leave precious DC with someone who is stupid.
Do DIY and/or Gardening while their DP sits doing nothing. So older women do the work while younger men sit. It might be the modern way but I don't subscribe to it.
If DD wants to accept abusive situations and wont listen to any advice I cant do anything about it but I am definitely not going to accept any form of abuse.
I don't think much of the DP and very little of my DC who would allow all this.
That sounds really messed up still. Can i ask why do you keep seeing them if he hit you?
When my 3yo fell over at her house and started crying, I was stuck under a breastfeeding baby downstairs but called up "are you ok DS?!"
She rushed over to him, scooped him up and said "oh, your mummy won't get off her fat arse to come and see you, baby boy!"
I'm a size 8, just for context...
Or the time she was furious that I'd left two dirty (wee, no poo) nappies in her spare bedroom while I bathed 2yo DS. She started throwing them at my pregnant belly and blocked my exit so I couldn't supervise him in the bath. When I finally got in the bathroom and locked her out, she started banging on the door screaming about how she'd spoken to my abusive ex and she "knew he was going to murder me"... This was Christmas Eve!
Bloody hell Birthday
Reading all this has reminded me of another time with my dm. We were in my kitchen and I'd made a bubble-bath paddling pool in the back garden which the kids were enjoying. I'd set up painting supplies on the garden path & just baked some chocolate chip cakes. My youngest had just come running in to collect the cakes & I spoke to her gently to remind her wet feet can be very skiddy on the kitchen floor & to be careful. My dm said 'Wow, you're SO nurturing' - and she looked at me in wonderment. I remember standing there aghast thinking 'this is what you're meant to do'.
This'll out me a bit but I nearly killed myself because of my dm. She was so unhappy with me. I told her 'All I want is to love and be loved' and she went absolutely mental.
Sleepwarrior I tried for years to get DD to see the truth. I also stayed aroubs because there are now DGCs involved. A lot more has happened and with the heaviest heart ever I now keep clear of them and all the drama. It is very stressful and caused a heart attack. Very sad
Same here ooz I took an overdose when I was 18 and she didn't visit me in hospital because she "had a headache"...
These examples make my DM seem not too bad . DPs moved abroad just after I got married and expected us to always make the trip. One day DM was coming across on a day trip with other people and asked me to meet her from the ferry. DD was 2 and DS was 8 mo. We got up really early, I got them fed and ready and set off. 40 minute journey then couldn't park when I got there.
Spent the day with DM then took her back for the ferry. She told me on the journey that she'd been really embarrassed when she saw us standing there "with our dirty coats and tatty hair" . We had one coat each and they lived in the boot of the car with the pushchair. I couldn't wash them in the winter because I had no way of getting them dry. She knew this. No acknowledgement of the supreme effort I'd made getting there in time with 2 babies.
She came to "help" when we moved house and ended up sulking. She came to "help" when DS was born and ended up sulking. I rang her and begged for her to come and help me when I had problems potty training DD and she was "too busy." Now she moans that she doesn't see us enough, yet admits she only calls me when she's at a loose end and all her friends are busy.
My DF not DM (who is a sweet, dippy enabler) Gathering the whole family together to raise several toasts to how 'fertile' his family was and how proud he was of his family's fertility (DH and I were mid unsuccessful IVF at the time.)
Refusing to speak to me for four months because I asked him not to pick a fight on Mother's Day (he always picks blazing rows on mother's day and my mum's birthday because the days are not about him) He refused to come to my 50th four months later because he was still huffing.
When he first met DH, he took one look at him then turned his back on him and shunne dus both for the entire evening. I had planned the event for DH to meet my family and was so embarassed.
When I told him DH and I were getting married, he booked a venue, informed us of the date and handed me an extensive guest list, insiting we could only afford 70 people so this was the shortlist (all his friends, most of whom I didn't know.) When I pointed out it would only be fair to let DH invite half of the guests he stared at me in bemusement, as though DH had no part in this wedding. Was also a nightmare telling him we couldn;t make the date he'd decided on (without consulting us.) I disliked the venue too, but hadn't the backbone in those days to stand up to him.
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