Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

eyes popping out of head itchy!!!!

My father was such an outrageous narc ( see my earlier post) that I didn’t really notice how bad my mum was until they broke up.
I could list loads but she’s just been round and looked at DH and asked “have you lost weight?” ( she knows he has because I told her.
He said yes, I’ve lost a stone and Hopping has lost half a stone.
She looked me up and down and said very flatly “no”.
She then talked about how she hadn’t eaten all day ( her and her sister competitively starve themselves).
She prefers me fat, if I ever say I am trying to lose weight it pretty much guarantees she will bring me cake.
Me and DH just laugh about her now

Comes to something doesn't it, when I find myself envying those on here whose mothers are dead...!

So many things over the years. Dear god.

Little, really telling things, such as her tutting and shaking her head when my 2 yo wanted a cuddle and I stopped whatever I was doing and gave him one. She kept shooting me sideways glances, she was absolutely disgusted with me. When I asked her if she had a problem she claimed to not know what I was talking about (literally a minute after she'd been making faces at me), and then said I was precious and playing the victim!!

The reality-she only 'gave' love and cuddles on her own terms, and then only until we were about 5.

That leads on to the next one. She once told me, with no hint of self awareness, how she 'didn't really like children much once they pass the age of 5, as they start developing minds of their own'. This was during a conversation with me where she gleefully informed me that I would totally HATE my dc going to school as they would 'grow away' from me. (I didn't, they didn't).

She put the phone down on me when I rang to tell her I was pregnant. Apparently only my dsis was the one designated to have children, I was going to have a career (wtaf?).

I had my boy and she didn't want to know the sex while I was pregnant (I did, I found out, but kept it from her as she requested).
After a three day labour I was quite looking forward to telling her I had had a boy (she lives miles away from me, my design).the nurse came in to see me really really upset and apologetic-unbeknown to me my dm had called the hospital and DEMANDED to know the sex of the baby and bullied the poor woman into telling her. She was so apologetic and said I had a right to complain. I just said don't worry, that's just my mother.

When I mentioned to my dm some time later that I might like to have told her the sex of my baby myself, she just looked at me as if I was speaking Greek, she simply could not comprehend what I meant.

So many more. So. Many. More.

The latest is I am nc with her for about a year or more, which is great. But she has also decided that my dc, her gc, are not worth her time, and she has not bothered keeping in touch with them either. Disgusting woman.

I thought of a positive. I can stand firm in the face of rage and fury from anyone (apart from mother of course). The whole point is why would I care what some shitty customer said why my own mother has said worse. You have to go a long way to actually hurt my feelings because they have been so trampled “you fat slag” barely registers. I count that as a positive. I’m not unflapabble but it’s close.

Yes to the weirdness with boyfriends

She would want to know what they were like in bed, how big they were etc

Oh my God! Will read all posts thoroughly later when I've done some tidying but the cancer thing??!!! Thought that was unique to my Mother! I'm shaking a little now, remembering and feeling angry and so sad.

Mine is my father.

I finally started to call him out on the years of domestic violence my mum had suffered (and I had witnessed) when I was 17. I was encouraging my mum to file for divorce. He punished me by timing a suicide attempt for when I got home from college, and making me witness him overdosing on pills while I called the ambulance. I struggled for years with PTSD symptoms and it also began the conditioning into me feeling that I was responsible for his life/death which has been a huge burden.

While sectioned for the overdose he met a vulnerable woman and moved straight into her council flat and got his name added to the tenancy. Wined and dined her family members and made them think he was great. She suffered 8 years of domestic violence all told and when her son and I found out about it he made a suicide attempt again, this time luckily the ambulance got to him before I did (I had 18 month old DS with me). I became unwell with the PTSD again, plus intrusive thoughts, and driving phobia due to anxiety.

He refused to leave the council flat so the lady left to live with her son, shortly after she took her own life. I now truly believe (post me having counselling) that he targeted her in order to bully her out of the flat.

One particular episode was where I was called to deal with a domestic incident at the flat while heavily pregnant and unwell (overdue) with my first baby - he got us over there by his tried and tested suicide threats.

Around this time it emerged that the lady was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and had actually committed infanticide during one of many episodes of psychosis, my father had kept this a secret from my husband and I (even though she had access to our young son). More frighteningly he was encouraging her to stop taking her medication as prescribed. This was part of his abuse and gaslighting.

He blamed his behaviour on drink and told me he had quit, but promptly started abusing prescription painkillers.

Has never been happy for me, no matter what my good news (job, pregnancy etc) is he always thinks it's bad news.

Ignored me for weeks on end as a teenager when the rock band I was in got offered a small record deal and tours.

Cried when I told him DH and I were eloping. Cried when I told him we weren't naming DS after him.

Used coercion and suicide threats so I got him illegal substances

Tried many times to get us to leave the DC with the weird old man next door to my father who according to dad 'has done something bad in the past' and is estranged from his whole family

When in hospital with a broken ankle he made up a lot of lies that the docs weren't coming to see him, that they were sending him home with an unsealed ankle - all found out to be lies.

He purposely shit himself in the chair in the hospital and then screamed at the nurses that they were ignoring the bell (he never rang the bell, I was there)

Used coercion to get me to sneak medication into the hospital - I was like a robot, I just did his bidding

When I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with PTSD (I could not function for weeks and was seriously considering doing a runner and becoming a missing person, I couldn't even get out of bed during my breakdown let alone skivvy about for him) he discarded me, sent me a text that it was time I knew the truth - my mum had wanted him to sexually abuse me when I was a child. Then texted my husband immediately after saying I was mad, unhinged and couldn't cope with my job.

Oh, and he started threatening suicide in front of my DCs age 11 and 9. After he'd bought them gold sovereigns worth ££££

Think he's actually a psychopath! I'm 7 months NC now and healing/grieving.

When I as being sexually molested by my standards brother under their roof while they were home at the age of 6. When I told her she gave me the hiding of my life and told me not to tell anyone as she did not want trouble in the family.

16yrs later when she was divorcing my step dad she decided to yell the whole family. I was 21 and nobody believed that it had happened to me. She used it as ammo against my step dad.

I moved to the UK she came to visit a few years later and told me that giving birth to me ruined her life and that I was nothing but a mistake.

It all became clear after that as to how she treated me like a second-hand child even though I was he eldest.

Unfortunately she was diagnosed with skin cancer a year later and died 16mnths later.

To this day I do not understand why I feel guilty.

Interesting to see this thread pop up. I’ve long since namechanged but MN really helped me understand more about DM.

So much on here resonates, though with DM it’s more subtle, so much so that I am constantly questioning whether it’s me or her.

The bragging, the sulking, the attention-seeking, the victim-playing, the drama, the martyrdom - it’s all very familiar.

I feel totally lost with how to deal with her at the moment. I feel we are on the cusp of something bad as her behavior recently has been appalling and whilst usually she gets away with it, this time it’s a step too far, and at a very bad time. We haven’t fallen out as such but I’ve been avoiding contact. She has upset others too and she’s made it clear that only she has a right to feel wounded. It’s now getting to the point where it’s a bit too long since I last spoke to her and feel stuck in this weird situation where my options are:

1-pretend nothing’s happened and get in touch. This doesn’t feel right as she then gets away with this recent behavior, and not only would I find that hard to do given the circumstances, I don’t think she deserves to just have normal contact and get her way.

2-tell her how I feel. This will lead to an almighty palaver, and I haven’t got the energy to deal with it. Plus it won’t chsnge anything - I know I’m not dealing with a normal person who can take feedback and feel bad for hurting others.

3-keep avoiding contact and pretend to be busy. But I fear it will eventually lead to one of the other options above.

You sound like a strong bunch. Thank you for starting this thread.

Mine mysteriously disappeared overnight leaving me at home with my two (much) younger brothers when I was 18 (my youngest brother is 15 years younger than me so would have been 3ish at the time) turned out she'd been sleeping with my (very recently ex) boyfriend - I left home very shortly after that! I forgave her eventually, mostly so I could maintain my relationship with my brothers, but her vile behaviour after my df died means that we've been nc for nearly 7 years now - it's bliss!

Announcing she had six months to live when I was 9 years old. 40 years have passed and she's still alive.

Taking as much attention as she possibly could when DSis had cancer. It was all about her. Rarely visiting her in hospital, offering no practical help to DSis or her children.

Reminding us since DF died, that she knew him longest and loved him more.

When I attempted to reach out to her for support when suffering from horrific PND, she said "now you know how it was for me!"

Severe hypochondriac, has every illness known to humanity and thrives on the attention it brings.

Told my DH will leave me if I don't lose weight. Obsessed with appearance. I was never slim enough/pretty enough etc

So much more I could add.

Therapeutic, but very difficult writing this down.

@hothandle. I was where you are years ago. Too scared to tell her how I felt and that I no longer wanted to see her. Luckily she rang my brother up and they had an argument and he told her for both of us! She’s never been in touch until very recently when I got a “I’m dying from cancer” letter. Which I’ve ignored.

I have to say the last few years of being NC have been bliss and I would not get back in touch. Hope you find the strength to move in a direction where you’d be happier.

The bragging, the sulking, the attention-seeking, the victim-playing, the drama, the martyrdom - it’s all very familiar.

^^ This. And repeat.

I grew up to the sounds of "I'VE SACRIFICED TWENTY YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR YOU"... which I always thought was odd, especially at the age of 13 when I realised her Maths was wrong, but would never dare question her.

My own DD is now 20. Raising her has been a joy, an honour and a privilege. Motherhood is certainly not a sacrifice!

Not dm, but ddad...

When he decided he didn't plan anything for my wedding speech as he didn't think it was a big deal and spoke for an excruciating 20 minutes about what a failure I am and how having a child had affected his life. People still comment and cringe about the speech 5 years on when the subject of our wedding comes up.

When he uninvited me to a family party that people had travelled from other countries for, and which my Dh and I had booked a hotel purely to attend "because it just doesn't make sense for you to come, it's really busy and hectic already- there are so many long lost relatives here!".

When I was in hospital with sepsis. Apparently my dh was being ridiculous for not wanting to make it easier for step mum and ddad to help out by driving the kids on a 40 min round trip to drop them at their house...when others were helping out by actually doing what worked for us. Dh kept saying "if it's tough to come no problem but I think the kids need to be at home- we have others who can help it's not a problem". They made such a fuss- they wanted to be seen as helping but wanted it to suit them.

When ddad visited he started shouting how ridiculous it was at me in my hospital bed, I said "can you work this out with dh? I haven't got the energy to get involved"- I was so sick of hearing his selfish rant.

He totally stopped talking to me for 4 days.

My Dh had to call and ask what was going on. I was away from my 6 month old and my 4 year old, I almost died. My Ddad said I had disrespected him and he couldn't allow that kind of attitude to taint his life.

I have distanced myself an awful lot since that. Always thought in a crisis he would step up but no, it was STILL all about him.

It's taken me ages to read this. So many familiar stories here. So sad.

I've been researching narcisstic mothers for years and have started again recently as her behaviour has ramped up lately. I'm getting married next year so that is why.
I can see by the stories that weddings feature heavily! I hope she doesn't come like she keeps threatening to.
I can't believe how many of these stories I relate to

@NicoAndTheNiners thanks. I don’t know where to go with it all tbh. I feel that NC is too much. I guess we are kind of LC in that I am careful to keep the info I share with her at surface level and I see her enough to “tick the box”.

DM is not totally evil, but is veryself-absorbed which makes it difficult to feel like it’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

I know I’m totally under the FOG (fear obligation guilt).

Best wishes to you all.

If I copy/pasted all the things I agree with on this thread, it would be such a long comment!

'Not evil, just totally self absorbed' but quite nasty with it.

Hopeless at presents

Constantly commenting on how lovely joeblogg's children/house/garden are,

No one else is allowed to grieve, having lost Dad. Only her.

And on and on.

In fact, generally, only her.

It's my sister who is the narc in my family and that list about the traits is spot on.

She if asked would tell you about her dreadful Cinderella childhood, in which she is the eternal victim.

The reality is our childhood wasn't ideal for any of us in so many ways but is nothing compared to what some of you went through, and so that really hits home this false, exaggerated Poor Me narrative she has created by comparison

Probably the most damaging thing she did to me was when I was 12 or 13 and had spoken up about having been sexually abused. She was utterly livid I'd talked to someone about it because of the way it would damage the family's reputation. On one of her rages she trashed my bedroom while I was in there asleep, ripping posters from the wall, and then later on came in and doused the space in holy water to exorcise it from the evil I'd brought in.

@ LilMadAgain

There are some extreme Narc examples here - but very few people are all bad, all the time - I guess like most things it’s a spectrum - and it also depends on the ‘enablers’ they have around them. As children we desperately crave our parents’ love and admiration, so when we get even the slightest bit of appreciation / care we will hang on to that. A bit like gambling - you need the odd win now and again to keep you hooked. It’s in the narc’s interest to sometimes be nice.

My DM (now also deceased) could be funny/insightful about other people but my relationship with her was one where I never felt loved or good enough. Before the kids (she loved her GC) she made absolutely no effort with me, had a snide way of diminishing or putting down any achievement I made (in a ‘it’s not good to boast’ way) and talked up everyone else (only realised how much of a ‘narc’ thing that was on reading this thread - thanks people). She also strongly encouraged me to stay in an abusive marriage and dismissed my resultant depression as me ‘making a fuss’.

Like many people, I only realised the true ‘dysfunction’ of my relationship with my DM when I had kids myself and ultimately when she died. I don’t miss her at all.

However, after years of therapy, I am trying to find some gratitude. She did a good enough job of parenting me that I was able to parent my children with absolute love. Like most of you here, I have adored being a Mum. I am sad for my Mum (and for me) that she never got to understand that joy

Not my mother but her father, my grandfather. He and my mum had a huge falling out when my parents separated, which I won’t go into now but it was rough. They didn’t speak for years.

He died recently and when I was helping my mum sort through his things I found a letter he had written to my father, in which he said that he had decided he didn’t want any kind of relationship with me or my sister because we were too much ‘under the influence’ of our mother and would probably take her side.

We were teenage girls, still children,
coping with our parents’ divorce but all he could see was the argument between himself and my mum. Imagine being so self-absorbed that you decide your teenage granddaughters are your enemies when they’re going through the worst months of their lives

I'm so sorry for those of you who have had to deal with the most extreme and violent narc episodes. We've all been badly let down, but those of you speaking up about sexual violence at the time, only to be treated with such contempt...words fail me.

I was reminded by some of you about the competing. My mother was and still is jealous of my relationship with my df.

Once, some months after his death, we were talking quite mildly about his things, and I happened to mention his woodworking tools and how he had been intending to teach me the basics of woodwork. This is in the context of my mother saying she had so much to do to clear his things (this was true), and what her plans were etc. So I lightly said that if she didn't want them I would gladly have the tools and maybe teach myself as dad had wanted.

Well, the vitriol and acid that followed totally threw me. "Those are MY things. He was MY husband, and everything in this house is MINE" and so on and so on.
The tools are still in his shed, rotting away, some nine years after his death. Hey ho.

And yes, to take the positives from her treatment of me-I am apparently the strongest and bravest person they know, according to many of my friends. I do no harm but take no shit, and I think that is as a direct result of my mother's behaviour towards me, and my long journey processing it all and coming to terms with it. I am truly titanium. Thanks, you horrible baggage.

This thread is really interesting reading. I never would have considered my late mother to be a narc but I've spotted some similar behaviours on this thread! Are these narc traits?

• ruling the roost; having to have everything her way then extreme tantrums if anyone steps out of line
• extreme sulking. I went to visit my boyfriend who lived a long way away over my birthday when I was 16. She didn't like the cardigan I was taking down ('it makes you look scruffy, what will everyone think etc etc) so she didn't speak to me for the whole week, including not wishing me happy birthday. Her sulking used to reduce me to gibbering anxiety, upset stomach etc. I'd always be grovelling apologetic even if I'd done nothing wrong
• over-reacting; if I did anything she considered 'unsafe' - literally including walking about 1 minute from my friends house after dark (7.30 in winter) aged 17 there would be explosive tantruming
• making everything about her 'nerves'. I used to conceal illnesses - I once even walked around on a broken foot for a week before admitting I was hurt because I knew that my getting hurt/sick 'played havoc with her nerves'. If there was anything emotionally wrong with me the response was always 'I can't deal with this as well as everything else', so I concealed mental health/physical problems for fear of setting off a strop.

These are a few tiny examples.

Oh one more...being totally over invested in what other people think. I could set foot outside the house without a blast of 'what will everyone say about your hair/clothing/language/views' etc!