Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

My DP spent 20+ years with a narc, and he spent a lot of that time trying to deflect stuff on to himself to make things easier for the kids. Despite that though, I've heard (and seen) some awful behaviours from here, including:

• standing back while her chav boyfriend grabbed oldest DS by the throat and dragged him around the floor
• assaulting DS's girlfriend while she was trying to stop the attack happening
• totally taking over her oldest DD's wedding last year
• getting DP to pay for DD's wedding dress and then claiming she had in fact paid for it(!)
• using her own DCs as ammunition. She would evidently threaten to kill herself and the youngest DC when she felt she was really losing an argument. She used this tactic to get several £000s out of DP while they were still trying to finalise the divorce.

Oldest DS has gone NC with her and he says he has never felt better.

Squidybanana I am glad it turned out with the correct decision and common sense prevailed from the court. Although at the time I am sure it was incredibly stressful for you.

Well done all of you for opening up, it must be so hard.
This is why I never judge people who don't visit their parents in homes. You never know what they're really like. My mum's father was a narc but lovely to everyone else, she was told off by staff for not visiting him.

Mine also became a foster carer shortly after we went nc - it was short lived thankfully but I was horrified and powerless in equal measure

My mother also has a thing about befriending elderly/dying people. She’s not trying to get into their will or anything like that but I think it fulfills some need to be needed/wanted/makes her feel important. And of course she can boast about all she does to acquaintances and look good.

My NM Volunteers for homestart and I can tell you she is not confidential with anything... one of the mums she was supposed to be ‘helping’ has kids at the same school as mine and my NM told me enough for me to know who the lady was and more ... she also bitches about the people she’s supposed to be supporting!

She took great pride in whispering into her dying dm’s ear that everything she had been blamed for was actually her sisters doing... a last ditch attempt to make everyone else look bad... then she refused to attend the wake of follow the hurst because her sisters were fine with me and my siblings attending the funeral.,. Managed to make it all about her

There are now at least 15 people in the family who she has fallen out with/disrespected her in some way yet in her mind it is everyone else who is the problem

My NM used to volunteer for Homestart. Poor fuckers that ended up with her.

My DM loves funerals, she has several outfits and lots of bling thats kept especially for funerals. She'll scan the death notices and go to the funeral of anyone who any connection to anyone she knows. She will always go to the provided refreshments afterwards. In her head, she' there to 'support the family', despite not having kept in touch with the family for many years.

Sometimes we know that someone is ill and dying and she could take the opportunity to visit them at home or in a hospice. She won't do that though, and will come up with all kinds of excuses not to. It's the funeral she prefers.

Rainingcatsanddogs - my mum also accused me of being gay because I went to a friend's brother's wedding as her plus one - she didn't have a partner and didn't know anyone else there apart from her familiy, half of whom she was estranged from, so she wanted some moral support. I'd had a boyfriend for years previously (was single at the time) but apparently I was instantly "gay" because of this.

She also used to accuse me of being anorexic because I was quite slim (1980s size 10, nothing dramatic - although I think that's about a size 6 now! ) - she had weight problems herself, so I think she just wanted to normalise her own weight by creating an issue for me where there wasn't one.

Nothing I wore looked nice, my hair was always a mess, I was always spotty - always the negative comments about my appearance.

Once when I was 28 she said "oh you'll get someone else, you're pretty" - I was in shock because she'd NEVER said anything nice about my appearance prior to that.

She was always fine with her grandchildren though - but then she died while they were still very young (oldest was 5) so I guess they hadn't started having their own thoughts and opinions by then.

As I've said though, I don't think she was anything like as bad as some on here - I think she had very low self esteem herself, a massive chip on her shoulder about lost opportunities, and the loss of a child to deal with and these all combined to make her the self-absorbed, emotionally unavailable woman she was.

for you all.

Please don't give these people the credit of raising you. Your grew into good people not because of them but despite them. The credit all goes to you.

When I told her I’d had an early miscarriage 12 weeks before my wedding, “well, at least you’ll fit into your dress now”.

Mine hissed at me to 'stop having babies', in front of my older kids.
I was literally still bleeding from my second 2nd trimester loss (yeah she knew about it)

And she took ages to visit the night my first was born, because I hadn't told her (or anyone) that I was in labour. I knew she'd just show up. She was so hurt at being 'cut out of the birth of her grandchild' that she collapsed in tears on the floor. Guess who just showed up at the hospital uninvited when I had #2 - oh but she got to hold the baby before I was rushed to fucking theatre. My sister apologised for her.

I too get told off for being NC by others to whom she's been a perfect carer for.

When my DSIS has suspected cancer my DM called me and asked why this was happening to her as in my DM
When my aunt was dying of cancer my DM called an ambulance saying she couldn’t walk as she had cancer in her spine- she didn’t have cancer
When my dad was admitted to hospital she took to her bed and said it was the best night sleep she had for years- he died the following day
When my niece was getting married and didn’t put my DM on the ‘right’ table she sent her a text two nights before and said have a good wedding I am not coming(she did in the end)
When her best friends dad was dying she got angry that she wouldn’t give her a lift to her caravan
Gets jealous of her Grand Children’s relationships with their other GP- even though she makes absolutely no attempt to have a relationship with them herself

The manipulation and self-absorbedness seems to be a running theme here.

I find these threads a comfort to know I’m not alone (friends just don’t understand it as they have lovely mums) though sad to see others going through the same. They also help remind me that it’s her and not me which I lose sight of sometimes....

That being said I also feel unsettled focusing on the bad stuff. Like I’m on a hate campaign against my own mother , which feels wrong and confusing and not much point being so negative as a lot of her behavior is very subtle...

Of course, I blame my mother for living in this constant state of not knowing how I should feel! Argh! At some point I think I’ll see someone about it....

This is why I never judge people who don't visit their parents in homes. You never know what they're really like.

There are all of these quotes on Facebook about how you only have one Mum / Dad and they just irritate me now. That's perfectly fine when your parent is capable of loving you and putting you first once in a while. People just can't fathom that a parent wouldn't be loving.

@workin OMG I hate those!

I’ve been nc with NM for over 5 years after years of abusive, shit stirring then eventually violent behaviour. The amount of people who say “but it’s your mum...”. I always reply with “How often does your mother punch you in the face?”.

That's terrible @DontDrink!! You definitely deserve better.

My mum was rarely violent but she did repeatedly slam a door into my sister once. She was very good at grabbing out arms and making it hurt. It would always be our / dad's fault. Never hers. I don't think I've ever heard her apologise come to think of it...

I always feel bad telling people who've had a normal mum that I'm nc with mine they just don't get it, not their fault - they just can't imagine how it is. My best friend who I've known since I was 11 gets it as she knows what my mum is like, even though her own mum was lovely. I periodically get friend requests or Facebook messages from my mums sisters telling me I only have one mum and I'll be sorry when she's gone etc, obviously instigated by my mum, I've blocked them now.

I feel bad when it is friends who have lost their beloved (normal, loving) parents. Or DH, who has lost both his.

Wow, I think my DM might actually be a narc...
I can totally relate to so many of these - the fake cancer stories - and when she finally did have cancer she MILKED it, and told everyone it was inoperable (it wasn't, and she's fine now),

and this - standing outside my bedroom door at midnight, making loud, fake sobbing noises in order to emotionally manipulate me. Just bizarre and performative - when my dad left, she used to wander round the house wailing and fake crying hysterically. Every fucking night. When I moved out at 18 with my then-boyfriend, she cried and said I was abandoning her.

When my grandfather died (dad's dad, they had been divorced for over ten years), she insisted on me taking her dress shopping as if it was a prom, and then on the morning of the funeral did a sort of fashion show thing, saying "I'll definitely be the belle of the ball!" Er, yeah Mum, it's a funeral...?

On my wedding day, she left me on my own for over an hour as I had to go home to bf 6 month DD and put her to bed - because she was too busy doing "Mother of the Bride" duties.

Definitely with the "you got 95% on a test - what happened to the other 5%?"

When I'd just had DS, and was suffering from PND, and massive sleep deprivation (he was allergic to everything and screamed every night), obviously hadn't lost my baby weight, she called me grossly overweight (I was a 12/14).

Every time we have a meal together she makes a point of saying "Oh I can't possibly eat that much... I don't have much of an appetite."

My entire life, she's been obsessed with weight, and not eating much, and I think it's directly down to her that I've struggled with eating disorders since I was 15.

She thinks my DD is a complete incarnation of herself, and barely gives DS the time of day. She'll shower DD with presents and then be like, "Oh sorry I forgot about DS." DS asked me the other day why his granny didn't love him.

I was about to write that there was a flip side - her generosity, her caring, but then I realised that that too is a careful manipulation. She used to do things for me without being asked, and then make me feel guilty because I'd put her out. Even though I'd much rather she hadn't done whatever it was.

I'm sure there's loads more but this is getting long!

Thanks, this has been really cathartic.

Does anyone have any experience with their narc DMs being diagnosed with something other than NPD?

My DM has been sectioned twice for bipolar manic episodes - although she refuses to accept the diagnosis, and stops taking her medication as soon as she's out of the hospital.

The first time (I was 15), she locked me in her bedroom with a Stanley knife.

The second time she got herself "lost" and I had several frantic phone calls before I was forced to call the police, who had to get an air rescue helicopter to search for her (yes really), and she was stuck in the middle of a field somewhere (literally, stuck in the mud). When I spoke to the first responders over the phone, they told me she could have quite easily got herself out. Bizarre.

Reading this thread is hard work. My heart goes out to you all for what you have gone through and am in awe of your strength moving beyond it.

I've only recently realised, in my 40's, that my upbringing was not normal, but thought it wasn't that bad. However, reading stuff here makes me realise that perhaps it was that bad. Neither parent is an out and out narc, but both have major tendencies that together add up to a total head fuck.

Some highlights:
Being entirely defined by them as sneaky and untrustworthy because I lied about something really obvious once when I was 3.
Being used to being left on my own by age 3.
Being responsible for feeding, looking after etc my baby sister at 7
Regularly babysitting for siblings by age 9
Mum telling me I am the most selfish person she has ever met. This led to me not using the words 'I' or 'me' for years
Never being allowed to show any emotion or be interested in or like anything or anyone without being constantly ridiculed and criticised for it by Dad.
Big events like weddings are a nightmare. I spent my wedding day on the verge of tears because I was 20 weeks pregnant, so not showing properly but not my normal shape and my mum said I looked 'like a wardrobe'. She also purposely made the whole thing late by staying at the hairdresser's until 20 mins before the ceremony started, then insisting on having a cup of tea and putting a wash on before getting in to her outfit and heading to the venue.
Mum using my terminal illness as fodder for stories to elicit sympathy for her from her friends, whilst constantly demanding to help and then actively avoiding providing any practical help.

I could go on for hours. But they think they are the definition of perfect parents.

Tinkerbell Y Y to the flip side! “How can you possibly be angry with me, I’ve sacrificed so much for you??” It’s just another form of manipulation. The ‘love is a zero sum game’ thing as well. Out of my 3 siblings, one of us is always on a pedestal, one is by and large ignored, and the other is a burden unworthy of her love. As soon as you fall, someone else is hoisted up there, and it’s equally as stressful whichever position you occupy. The three of us have learned that the only way to beat it is to present a front.

Bursting into tears (in an obviously negative way) and rushing from the room when DH and I announced to all 4 gps to be that we were expecting their first grandchild.

A year or so after my beloved Dad died DH and I while on holiday had visited Dads favourite place. I rang to,tell her how soothing and comforting it had been to be treated to a rant about how we should have thought of her nd forgotten the dead.

Came to hospital when we told her DS was on the way (our mistake in hindsight) then grumbled at having to wait 10 hours till he was born (yes, DS and I colluded in delaying his birth just to annoy her) then for years afterwards practically every time we saw her she moaned that we hadn’t told her the instant DS was born. Yes because it’s not as though the new Proudest family of 3 wanted any time alone together. I’m getting furious thinking of it and DS is 34 tomorrow!

My DM refused to come and see me when I was diagnosed with sepsis and nearly died. The reason behind this was because my DH couldn't go to pick her up as per usual as he had to look after me and our toddler. We had booked her a taxi and paid for it, but clearly wasn't good enough for her. Haven't spoken to her since.