@thisnamechanger, because everyone presents differently I think it can be hard to separate out traits of a disorder with just quirky bits of personality, but I do recognise some of what you say. I have a psychology background and my own psychologist was the one who felt very strongly that my mother had NPD, but it took me a long time to agree purely because it wasn't a form of NPD I recognised. I've since had a (diagnosed) NPD partner and he was very different to my mother, but I guess the underlying issues are the same perhaps. It also took a while for me to accept that he had NPD because he was so self-deprecating, but after a lot of therapy I realised that self-deprecation is often a way to force people to argue the opposite and indulge in their flattery.
Anyway, yes, my mother too was a matriarch, things had to be her way. My dad was (is) very mild mannered and I think liked someone else being in charge. She never sulked or tantrummed though. She didn't over-react about my safety, in fact she was quite blasé most of the time (in fact probably quite balanced in this aspect, although if I ever felt unsafe and asked for help she'd decline as she felt I should learn to cope on my own - a bit harsh when I was being targetted by a kerb-crawler at the age of 11).
She outright told me she saw me as an extension of herself. She said it was fine for her to insult my appearance as it was, apparently, just as if she was talking to herself. Because she was totally obsessed with appearance I constantly let her down. She said she'd stand by me when I went through a teenage goth phase and later on when I gained weight, but was ashamed of me and let me know how she longed to be proud of me.
Like your mum she made everything about her nerves (though she wouldn't admit to having anything as needy as nerves). If anything bad happened to me I'd try to keep it quiet, as on top of coping with it I knew I'd have to soothe her.
She was also obsessed with class, and having others see her as being the very cream of society. Which was ridiculous as her mother came from the Cork slums. She'd get very insulted if people didn't think of her as being upper class, yet simultaneously be cross if people a) thought she was affluent and b) thought she wasn't. No one was good enough to join our family - all inlaws were subjects of ridicule and scorn.
She increasingly disrupted my relationship with my father, not really allowing me to have a relationship with him at all (or a very surface one). She died a few years ago. Since then it's been really nice to get to know my dad.