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Only two months married and miserable...

(754 Posts)
Slundle Thu 07-Jun-18 16:58:18

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

- Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
- Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
- Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

SingleDingle Thu 07-Jun-18 17:05:32

Haven’t been in your situation, or even married, but even I know a marriage shouldn’t feel like that after 2 months. Life is too short. You’ve spilt up 4 times. You have tried and tried. Do it a fifth and final time, before there are DC in the mix.

Oddcat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:10:17

You poor thing . He won't change though and things won't get better , please don't get pregnant .

ASAS Thu 07-Jun-18 17:14:03

Life isn't perfect, but it doesn't have to be shit

Mum4Fergus Thu 07-Jun-18 17:16:16

I think the marriage/wedding is irrelevant...the relationship sounds like a non starter well before you walked up the aisle.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:30:16

Are you in the UK?. If so Womens Aid are well worth contacting and they could help you here on 0808 2000 247.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave; the fact that you are unhappy is more than enough to want out of this. Do not keep this a secret any longer, abuse thrives on secrecy too.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone. There is really no turning this around, relationships should not be such hard work honestly. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That is a question you also need to consider here.

You need to make the separation now a permanent one and never go back to him. How can you be helped in doing this, can you also enlist the help of family?. What are they like, will they be supportive of you?.

You were well and truly targeted by this frankly abusive individual because he saw something within you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends. His line, "I want to take care of you" is him basically saying that I want to control you. This man does not know what love is; its not just a verb, its an action too. He only loves his own self. Such men also hate women, all of them.

Joint counselling is never actually recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship and you have been manipulated and abused emotionally. Your loneliness and anxiety came into play here and he used those against you as well. The counsellor you saw jointly was manipulated into taking his side, such abusive men can and do manipulate counsellors all too easily and that person had no idea of the power and control dynamics in your relationship. It is of note too that when you saw a counsellor individually you were advised to leave him.

Such men will take a long time to recover from and that process will only start properly when you leave him for good and not return.

Cawfee Thu 07-Jun-18 17:30:23

Honestly, you sound very confused and all over the place. You talk about it being a couples world. That’s no reason to be married to somebody who doesn’t make you happy! You are also talking about him using the counselling as ammunition against you?!? You’ve only been married 2 months! There shouldn’t be any ammunition! This sounds way too hard for only 8 weeks in. You’ve already done counselling and that hasn’t worked. Surely loneliness is easier to fix (by surrounding yourself with family/friends and involving yourself in new hobbies) than trying to fix this relationship? It sounds like you aren’t really right for each other

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:32:27

I reckon too that things are only "fine" re you and him when you are dead quiet, acquiescent and completely subservient to him. Its all been on his terms and you have no say in this relationship at all.

And do not ever get pregnant by him. Do not bring any children into this dysfunctional mess.

Slundle Thu 07-Jun-18 17:34:29

Thank you all.

I can see why you might think that ... the thing is when we got back together, my friends and family (bar one) were happy for us. People like him and it seemed like it could work. It certainly beat single life.

I find it next to impossible to negotiate with him even though he has a good heart ...

As regards not getting pregnant, the sad thing is that if I don't have a baby with him, I never will due to my age. My cousin, who is a therapist, said she strongly believes a baby would bring us closer. There's a lot of potential between us but we have fought every single day since getting married ...

I appreciate any thoughts any of you have. I really do. I can't believe this is my reality and that divorce could be in my life...Thanks.

theunsure Thu 07-Jun-18 17:39:19

I think you should give it some time.

My first 2 years of married life were tough going, not because we didn't love each other but we are both strong characters with big opinions and we sometimes clash in a big way. We also had to go through some huge life changes (business failure, bankruptcy, 2 house moves and a suicide). It was very testing! And now we have failing to conceive to throw into the mix....

We're both now much better about letting things go, not having to be right and agreeing to disagree. I've always loved him but there have been days when I've not always liked him and I know he'd stay the same.

Marriages have to be worked at. But obviously there is a line and only you know if it is worth fighting for.

You made vows - I think you owe it to yourself and him to give it all you've got. You can't do what you've done before and get into a cycle of ending it and taking him back. That's easy to do before you commit.

But don't be afraid to end it. Being happy is possible when you are single!

Oddcat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:39:53

Your cousin is a bloody fool .

SingleDingle Thu 07-Jun-18 17:41:02

I can’t believe any therapist would advise you that! Please don’t listen to her.

BifsWif Thu 07-Jun-18 17:42:48

Why on earth would you consider bringing a baby into such a chaotic relationship?

I cannot believe your cousin advised you to do that!

You know you need to leave.

ferrier Thu 07-Jun-18 17:42:57

I'd second oddcat.
No way should you be even thinking about bringing a child into such an unstable relationship.

MeanTangerine Thu 07-Jun-18 17:43:58

Your cousin is a deeply unprofessional therapist who gives bad advice.

You say you went back to him because you were lonely and he loved you. You don't say at any point that you love the man. Do him a favour, cut him loose. You don't love him, he doesn't make you happy. What is the point?

Cadencia Thu 07-Jun-18 17:44:08

You have split up in the past so obviously it wasn't perfect before, but it sounds like it's worse since getting married, is that right? Can you pinpoint why? Some abusive men show their true colours when they believe you are 'trapped' by marriage (or childbirth). What sort of things are you fighting about?

aaarrrggghhhh Thu 07-Jun-18 17:44:25

Well - firstly. Your cousin needs to find a new job. Preferably one with machines that requires no understanding of people.

Secondly - he may or may not be abusive - but I think this is in the first place about you and sorting out your own stuff. Obviously this is just based on what little you've written - but you sound like you've got lots of your own issues and you're very co-dependant. When someone has that many issues its pretty much impossible to have a healthy relationship regardless of who their partner is.

If you left your husband but don't sort out your stuff you are very likely just to have the same type of relationship with someone else.

So - the key thing is to sort yourself out. You may or may not be able to do this while staying in the marriage or you may need to leave it.

So you need to find a good therapist and try to sort out whats going on inside. Do NOT go with anyone recommended by your cousin.

And don't assume that all therapists know what they're doing. Very many don't.

Oh and read everything you can get your hands on about being co-dependant.

Good luck! Theres always hope.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:45:06

Single life is not that shit really. Why are you so down on the single state, this is not a couples world either. Yes there are a lot of couples but not everyone is coupled up.

Did you meet this person by the way when you were very young and otherwise highly impressionable?.

How does this person have a good heart exactly?. There is no evidence of that in your writings re him.

Why did the two of you marry at all given this whole relationship history?. Societal pressures to do so?.

Your cousin should not be ever saying such frankly irresponsible rubbish to you; bringing a child into this dysfunctional relationship will only serve to further widen the ever widening chasms already within it. There is nothing to rescue and or save here in this relationship and you seem to be with him at all anyway because you cannot face being alone with your anxiety and loneliness. I put it to you that he is the root cause of you feeling anxious and lonely now within your non marriage. Because this is no marriage and your whole relationship seems to have been a disaster from the start. This was never an emotionally healthy relationship and its not going to change.

Slundle Thu 07-Jun-18 17:45:47

I only saw some of your responses after I posted my own response. Thank you.

Hard to believe Women's Aid is being suggested...I do not see myself as a victim but yeah, he shouts and curses at me and often shouts me down when I try to express myself back. He has a temper but I don't live in fear. That said, I'm no shrinking violet and he said my emotional neediness is just too much to take. I've booked in for individual therapy. The lady on the phone said, as you said Meerkat, that she'd advise individual therapy and not couples therapy.

I know one of you described it as a 'dysfunctional mess' which I'm embarrassed is true. You'd find it hard to believe that I'm actually a pretty 'together' person and friends and family often look to me for advice...I know that's hard to believe reading how I got myself in to such a situation.

Thanks again. I'm reading everything ye write carefully and I truly appreciate it.

cestlavielife Thu 07-Jun-18 17:48:51

So you prefer to be miserably married
Than single ..maybe learning to boost ypur self esteem.
And you listen to your friends rather than yourself. No one knows what goes on in your marriage except you.
You have a choice here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:49:56

I would also read up on codependency in relationships because you do seem co-dependent.

Love your own self for a change and work on rebuilding your life by also addressing your loneliness and anxiety. Do not go with anyone recommended by your cousin!.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:54:25

I would think he targeted you as well because some abusers like supposedly strong women (but sense underlying vulnerabilities and play on all those as he has indeed done), they see them as a further challenge to take down with them into their pit. I would also think he is a master of projection and has projected a lot of his stuff onto you.

Individual counselling for you is a must do. No no and no again to couples therapy for the reasons I have already stated.

Cricrichan Thu 07-Jun-18 17:55:16

Have a baby if he's your last chance and then see how your relationship is

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 17:59:27

"I do not see myself as a victim but yeah, he shouts and curses at me and often shouts me down when I try to express myself back. He has a temper but I don't live in fear"

I would think this man is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that his true nature emerges and that was also apparent prior to the two of you marrying.

You are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. You may not live in fear as yet but that is just a matter of time. He will have you treading on eggshells and you will further become a shadow of your own self.

You will also become the architect of your own emotional demise if you did decide to remain married to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jun-18 18:02:39

"Have a baby if he's your last chance and then see how your relationship is"

What absolute nonsense. If their relationship is this bad now what is a baby going to bring into it?. A baby would also keep OP tied to this person at least until the child is of age and perhaps even longer.

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