Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

And stop listening to your cousin!

I met my first DH when I was 14 and we married five years later. The first few months were awful and then I just learned to bury myself, walk barefoot on eggshells and just be grateful he never left me for another woman. Like a PP, I had a significant health condition which limited my ability to fulfill my own potential. We had two DCs and when new treatments improved my health, I went back to college to gain better qualifications to return to work.

This, looking back, was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I’d gone to college because I wanted to provide more for my family with a better job, and I wasn’t able to go back to my previous job as I wouldn’t have earned enough to pay for childcare. Yes, it was made very clear it was my responsibility to pay for childcare if I wanted to work full time. He was happy for me to have part time jobs (indeed preferred that) so I could make a bit of a contribution. But I was still expected to do all the house and family work.

My studying drove him mad. He became very forceful about me working during the holidays so I could ‘pay my way’, which left me physically exhausted. I think he hoped I’d give up. But I stuck at it, graduated and landed an executive position.

I stayed married, but his power over me had diminished and he knew it. I stayed because I didn’t want my DCs to come from a broken home, I didn’t want my parents to have another divorced child and because he told me that no one else would want me.

The marriage became increasingly toxic and I knew it wasn’t a great environment for my DCs. I just stopped dancing to his tune, and like all bullies, he found a new victim. This one was my youngest DC. That was when I realised I wasn’t doing anyone any favours by staying and after 22 years I finally left him.

Some family tried to get us to reconcile, even my own DM. Most of my friends were just relieved I’d finally got out.

I spent 4 years single and am now married to a wonderful man. He has his own foibles like everyone else, but I now know what it feels like to be properly loved and respected and also, most importantly I am myself in this relationship- warts and all. I’m less stressed, pleased to see him, enjoy his success and share his life -as he does with me.

You only get one life and we don’t know if it’s going to be long or short. My only regret is the years of my life that I wasted on a man who didn’t care if I was unhappy.

Devilsdoorbell ... I know. I do feel sometimes like it's someone else's life and this can't possibly be how it's ended up...even though it's not all bad, it's just not as it should be...

MachineBee ... good on your for re-defining your life and carving out a new path for yourself. The bit you said about being able to be yourself really struck a chord with me. My H doesn't get my humour at all. It's not his fault. He just doesn't get it. I'm often in situations in work where the whole kitchen bursts out laughing at something I've said and I think, 'god, that feels nice.' I know that's a small example but it's interesting...

I still think it'd be disastrous if I were to get divorced. I couldn't get over how judgemental people were when we broke up before and I don't want to drag his name through the mud; so I don't see myself being honest about the reality of living with him. For those who like him, it seems fair to just let them have that opinion of him.

I'm hanging a lot on therapy. The hilariuos thing is I've told him I'm booked in for therapy and I've told him it's because of our marriage and he doesn't seem all that concerned. The extent of his emotional distance is almost astounding.

*hilarious

"I still think it'd be disastrous if I were to get divorced. I couldn't get over how judgemental people were when we broke up before and I don't want to drag his name through the mud; so I don't see myself being honest about the reality of living with him. For those who like him, it seems fair to just let them have that opinion of him".

I think it would be the making of you actually if you were to divorce this man. And why do you keep putting your family's opinions here first and foremost and certainly well above your own needs and wants?. Its probably because you've been taught to do that by your (unsurprisingly emotionally unavailable) parents.

As I have written to you before those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. I do not think you would ever or infact have dragged his name through the mud but he has certainly dragged you through the mire over the past 12 years. He has never given you any real consideration whatsoever; you are still not his equal here and never will be.

Would you be similarly dishonest when talking about the realities of life with him with a therapist?. I would hope not because if you do that you will only be fooling your own self; denial is a powerful force after all.

AttilaTheMeerkat...thank you. I plan to be completely honest with the therapist this time. You're right though...I did do that in the past about myself and him. This time, though, it's just too important. I'm going to be completely honest about everything. It's a little embarrassing. I mean, I cried the last day and said to him, 'if only my parents knew how you treated me. They wouldn't love you if they did.' At the time, I brought up the wedding and how I spent the whole thing walking around alone. At one point, I turned around and he was dancing with a colleague of his who I've always been insecure about. I don't remember dancing like that with the groom at anyone else's wedding. I was right beside him dancing with friends and looking at him. I suppose I brought it up because I was just sad after he did nothing for my birthday and my thoughts went back to the wedding. He got extremely angry at me for bringing up the past, albeit only two months ago. He said I was depressed and locked in negative ways of thinking. He got me good because maybe he's right.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate what you say about divorce. It might seem that way but I cannot underestimate how difficult I find it to be alone...it's amazing, at this point in life, everyone is just so busy with their new families etc. That was a big issue when I was single. Since I got back with him, that side of things has been so much easier, not going to weddings alone etc. I was unlucky when I was single in that I did meet men (mostly online and some through other avenues) but none of them were suitable for a relationship. Most of them weren't over exes or still lived with their parents. I know it's a good idea to focus on other things but I did genuinely miss him when we're apart and the rose-tinted glasses were firmly affixed to my face. I know there's a lot to deal with in this and I think I need to prioritise therapy and find a way to really figure out what's best.

I think your aim for therapy should be to get to a place where you are comfortable alone. Where you like yourself enough and feel value in your own self, that you don't need anyone else. If you can do that, I believe youll be able to walk away. Because once you get to that place (and you will, it just is painful and time-consuming) you won't care what anyone else thinks either, because you'll value your own happiness as much as everyone else's.

I know you said in a past therapy course your therapist was trying to pin a lot of things on your mum and you don't "want to go there". I imagine that's where you need to go. In that paragraph you said something along the lines of "she just brushes emotions away and everything's fine". With him, you're just repeating the pattern. And with both people you're minimising the damage that does to you. You're saying "if they want to brush everything under the carpet they can, regardless of how it hurts me". I think that stuff you don't want to face is the stuff you truly need to work through. It will be painful but it doesn't mean you need to disown your parents or anything: you can process your pain and anger with your therapist, stay civil with them, but hopefully make the changes to your self-esteem that need to come. I've been through this all with my dad - it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. Until you can see yourself as an equal with everyone else (your partner, your parents, people in the community), it doesn't sound like anything will change. Forget what they all think, what do YOU think?? You are MISERABLE!!!!! Sorry for shouting

When you were single you would be giving off "needy and vulnerable" vibes because of your lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and your desperate desire not to be alone. The men who are attracted to that are the ones like your husband, who want a needy and vulnerable woman whom they can dominate and control. If you build up your self-esteem and confidence until you feel happy to be in your own skin with or without a partner, you will become much more attractive to the decent sort of man.

Do read the books recommended upthread, and has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme? I think you could do it online before you start your therapy. It might help you see your behaviour for what it is. A lot of what your DH is doing is very controlling behaviour - if he shouts and you ask him to quieten down, he just keeps shouting. But if you shout, you get told "Don't raise your voice to me." If he's unhappy about something, he shouts at you. If you're unhappy about something, you are bringing up the past and locked in negative ways of thinking. So (by his way of thinking) his anger / upset is perfectly reasonable and allowable, whereas yours is totally unreasonable and must be stopped.

This is no way for you to live. He has manipulated you into believing his version of events. You need to start seeing it for what it is. Two months into a marriage you should still be in the "honeymoon period", you should both be feeling loved up and blissfully happy.

I am sorry, but I only got as far as your H saying he only got angry because of you and that you bring out the temper in him. I am sorry, but what?!? How old is he? Does he not have any self-control? He is blaming YOU for HIS moods. You are not responsible for his emotional well-being, he is.

Sorry, but really? Do you believe this?

My best friend, a lovely, warm, generous person, is on her fifth husband and I am on my third. My Dad had 34 years with my Mum, his 4th wife. My brother has been with his first wife since they were high school sweethearts...35 years already. So what? Life is too damn short to be in a relationship that doesn't fill you with contentment. You can list a person's good points till they're coming out your ears - doesn't mean they make YOU feel safe, desired, cherished.
Be strong, have boundaries - eg say to your husband "I do not find shouting respectful and I will not tolerate it from a stranger let alone the person who is supposed to value me more than anybody else, in my home. Is there anything I do that you find discourteous?" Relationships take compromise and yes, sometimes work, but they need to be underpinned by respect.
(My mother used to give the best analogy - said a relationship is like a three-legged stool and for it to work properly it needs ALL 3 legs...affection, allegiance and attraction.) Also. your parents are not you! My parents are both dead and whilst I wish with all my heart they weren't I also accept I was never the child they wished for. So? I'm me. I wish you good fortune in your life, truly.

NB Psychologists are fully trained, accredited professionals. Therapists are not. Be aware of this. CBT has a valued place within mental health services but is not one-size-fits-all.

Atilla the meercat at is absolutely right on all counts. Even if you're not planning on leaving, you can seek support from women's aid. They will explain why you feel like you do when you're not in a relationship . Please put yourself first and try not to get pregnant.

@AdaArdor Good on you for seeking therapy and I'm glad it worked out well for you. I'm going to go to therapy and stick with it until it gets me somewhere. It might not improve my marriage but hopefully it'll improve me. I do need to feel comfortable being alone. The annoying thing is I was single in my early 20s. I look back and think that I had the world at my feet but I didn't know it.

@Mitzimaybe You've hit the nail on the head with the fact we should be in the honeymoon period. While I don't think my husband is the worst, some of his behaviour is actually abusive. I can see that. It's verbally abusive. The shouting me down, the slamming of doors, pulling bedsheets off me in anger. It's all become normalised because his temper rules all when he's angry.

@KataraJean I don't think I believe this; although in the past I did wonder if it was just our dynamic. Now I realise that he has genuine anger management issues. The likelihood is he'll never do anything about them, even if it means losing me (Aaagain).

@TeacupTattoo I really envy your outlook. I agree with everything you said but I know, in my world, it's not that simple. My husband is part of a very tight-nit, gossipy community and part of that community has extended on to me. Divorce would be BIG news and I don't live in the same county as my family, so if we split up, I would be truly isolated. It's just not as simple as it seems.

@Amyerda Thanks for your response. I don't think my situation is bad enough to warrant contacting Women's Aid. I have put all baby-making plans on hold for now. You're right.

Thanks for all of your support, ladies. Reading it in black and white has opened my eyes. I often wondered if I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I never made a lot of his temperous outbursts. It's just so sad. I'm at home for the weekend this weekend. He just rang me and he was lovely, chatty etc, just like a normal, nice husband would be...yet the last time I saw him, he was truly horrible to me. I know now it wasn't my fault. He has been genuinely horrible to me.

I'm in no way ready to leave. I'd love to think we could salvage things but I just hope I'm ready to hands down not accept his temper tantrums, door slamming, cursing at me etc. I'm embarrassed when I think of one of our arguments very early on when he said 'go suck on it!' I should've walked away there and then...

Anyhow, he's not all bad.

Thanks for reading. This is all weighing heavily on me. I always said I'd get married once.

Well, you can get married once, separate again, get divorced, work on your self-esteem and boundaries and being happy with yourself and then if you meet someone else, don’t get married, just be intimate partners. Sorted.

But if you don’t do that, which you probably won’t, because leaving is a process and it takes time, please do at least read the link upthread about Bidermann’s chart of coercion and the books I suggested.

Of course he is nice now and then, it is the ‘occasional indulgences’ in the chart. If he did not give you some little sweetness now and then, you would be sure he was genuinely a horrible abusive man. But because he is nice sometimes, and he tells you his moods are your fault, you think oh, if you only just try one more thing, and one more, and one more, he will be nice all the time. Except it is not you, so there is nothing you can do to fix things.

At least do the reading so you can see how it works.

Here is another book - Cloud and Townsend’s book on Boundaries. You said you had a religious upbringing, and this is written with a Biblical underpinning. It is not un-Christian to have healthy boundaries and there is a chapter on marriage if I recall correctly.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1528575507816

You don't say how old you are, but if you live til 80, how many years? 50? Can you honestly say you can last 50 years with this man?

The quicker you end it, the better. I left my first H after 3 months and never regretted it.

At least there aren't any DC yet!

Oh slundle please don't make do out of fear. You're worth more. Walk away

Having a baby put a good and happy relationship under a huge amount of strain and in some ways traps you with your partner permanently because you have a child together. I’d say GET OUT now and don’t get pregnant.

Thanks for the messages...I wish I had gotten in touch here years ago. Although I wouldn't have been on Mumsnet as I wasn't TTC...in any case, I'm almost 40 so you can see how this is my 'last chance saloon' for children. Rest assured, I've been put off baby-making & definitely will not unless things improve.

I did have a Christian upbringing & I'm not against it but I don't practice religion. I had a church wedding to please my parents, H & convention...

I looked at that link all right. I would agree that my H has an 'intense concern with the self' but so much of the rest just isn't him. He would never try to convince me not to spend time with good friends etc. As I said before, he's not a total a-hole but he does have a bad temper. The thing I like least about him is how he treats me worse than he treats others...I loved with a couple after I broke up with him and I couldn't believe how well he treated her and he wasn't even what would be considered an incredible boyfriend. There were no grand gestures etc but just his everyday thoughtfulness and prioritisation of her feelings. Grrrr...thanks for your help. I can't believe I'm the one writing this, not the one reading this...

*live with

@Singlenotsingle do you mind my asking about how you ended your first marriage? Were you young? Was there abuse? Were there repercussions?

I feel like a fool given my age. I should know better by now but none of this is simple.

Slundle, yes I was young, just 21. I knew it was wrong but I was worried I'd be left on the shelf. As the car took me to the church I wanted to jump out and run. Three months later I just packed a case and left while he was at work. He's not a bad man, just àrrogant and uncommunicative. Never regretted leaving although it was a cowardly way of doing it!

We've all done things and backed out of them. It's ok to leave him again. Don't use the marriage thing as a reason to stay togetehr. This is your gut. Listen to it. Run for the hills and save your soul, and have a good break up plan :) Keep you busy, recreating your own life, interests..... RUN!

Yes, run. He's abusive. Sometimes it takes getting married to focus you on how bad the relationship actually is. If you can't face breaking up with him right away could you move out for a bit to have some space? If you find somewhere you can afford that would also make it easier if/ when you take the plunge. And / or you could try insisting he goes to anger management classes. Don't know if your religion allows it but if you'd rather be a single parent than not a parent you could do ivf with donor sperm if you wanted.

Having read all your comments, I think you have got more than just ‘intense preoccupation with the self’ (‘blames victim for the abuse’ is the obvious one) but I also am not sure how helpful it would be for me to unpick your posts because it is not me in the marriage, so it does not really matter how I see it.