Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

AttilatheMeerkat, to answer your questions, I met him when I was coming out of another relationship and so was he. I was vulnerable all right. He was very proactive in chasing me and I suppose I loved how masculine he was. Also, you mentioned secrecy. To be fair, I have never told people close to me, apart from my cousin who knows us both very well, that he shouts at me. Most of our arguments involve me saying the line, 'keep your voice down' over and over and over again. Then sometimes, not that often, but sometimes I shout too and he immediately pounces on 'don't shout at me.' He nearly always apologies afterwards for whatever he does. In the past, he used to buy me presents etc to apologise but his temper was much worse then..he shouted at me in public a few times back then. Now it's all very much behind closed doors and like I said, I'm not a shrinking violet in a relationship but I feel like I'm being worn down.

cestlavielife, you mentioned boosting my self-esteem...that's a life mission. My husband used to say that he never would have 'got me' if I realised how good I was...

As for how he has a good heart, he thinks the world of his friends and while he does bitch etc, he genuinely seems to care a lot about his friends and family. Having said that, he has had conflict with certain people in work and in his family but I think a lot of people do. He encourages me, tells me I could do anything I put my mind to, tells me I have brains to burn and seems to respect and look up to me.

As for our fights, we fight about him being late, not telling me he's been delayed when I already have dinner on the table, about me making too much noise tossing and turning in the bed at night (I'm a bad sleeper), about me not exercising enough, where to live longterm. I get upset by his general crankiness. We fight a lot when I bring up things that have upset me. He thinks we should always move on and never dwell on the past. Our couples' counsellor said the same thing to me...the only problem is nothing gets spoken about and nothing gets resolved. We basically have fights, followed by a cool-off, an apology and then we 'forget' them...only I can't because my feelings are hurt and I'm scared of my life we're headed for divorce, which I don't take lightly. I had a church wedding to please my conservative parents and I don't think I could live with the public humiliation of a divorce after a massive wedding....

...Anyhow, thanks for reading and responding. I'm really not a basket case...I'm in a tough situation and yes, a lot of it is down to my lack of self-esteem and anxiety, neither of which are as easy to fix as it would appear when written in black and white. :-(

Maybe you (unconsciously) thought that marriage would make everything ok. Nothing changed so now you're questioning the relationship. As a pp said, marriage might be a red herring here.

P.S. Cadencia, things are most certainly much worse now that we are married. He did nothing for my birthday, even though he knows I'm a sentimentalist. I have already got a trip and surprise organised for his birthday...but yeah, nothing...when I got upset about it, it of course caused a fight. I cried and he shouted. He then apologised the next day and got me a few small presents but it just felt awful.

Hi OP, I actually left my marriage after two months, just last year, and no one else was involved, it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make so I completely understand where you are coming from. I also did so largely because the arguments between us were horrific, frequent and getting worse, despite attempts at therapy (I also felt the female counsellor took his side actually).

I am in my mid-late thirties so the children issue was definitely a consideration. But in fact that was one thing that made me wake up to my feelings - we were about to start trying and despite my age and wanting to be a mother I just didn't really want to with him. What does your gut tell you when you think about having a baby with him and being in a family together for life (as is the idea at least!) In my case, I realised it just wasn't worth me being unhappy forever.

In our case it did become physical in a fight just before our wedding - him towards me - which was the final straw although I couldn't make the decision at the time so went ahead with the ceremony. How do you feel when you look at your wedding photos? I couldn't look at mine when they arrived, which was also a bit of a sign..

You say your family and friends like him but have you really told them what goes on? Mine were supportive when we were together - and people don't generally say negative things if they think you are going to continue with him - but when I actually started talking to them about it truthfully they were horrified. Also the real feelings of others started to come out, which actually in many cases had been negative all along, they just didn't want to tell me.

It is not easy, I have my moments of loneliness but I have to remember it's better than the emotional agony of fighting every day. Only you can know what you want to do deep down, but as someone who has been there I will tell you it is fine to leave your marriage after two months if you are unhappy, no one will blame you, it won't be embarrassing, everyone will actually just think you're brave for facing up to the situation and choosing your own happiness.

Good luck!

Pebblespony and others who have asked, the truth is my father is extremely conservative and religious and yes, I know I know, I'm my own person but in the interests of my parents, I didn't want to have a child out of wedlock. Given my age, we started trying for a baby and we got married because I really didn't want to have a child out of wedlock. This wasn't said as crudely as I'm putting it here but essentially, that's what was going on...also, I think we both genuinely believed that this was our second chance. I think I thought a lot of our fights were just nonsense and it was time to grow up and cop on...turns out it aint that easy..

You were indeed vulnerable and remain so. Your radar for twattery and abusive behaviours from men was not working properly and that also allowed him to worm him way into your life. He is right on one important point; he would never have got you if you had realised how good you actually were (and still are). You did not believe in your own self and your family of origin probably taught you that lie too. I think he feels that you owe him because he has "helped" you by being as supportive as he has been. He has also acted to make you more dependent and acquiescent towards him and to make you feel grateful for the attention he has given you.

Re getting divorced I would say to you that those that matter do not mind and those that mind do not matter. I would hope that your parents would support you; I would hope that they would be appalled if they were to know what was happening to you behind closed doors. Most people won't even care anyway if you get divorced; they are wrapped up in their own lives and its not their business in any case. Your fears of a public humiliation are therefore not rooted in fact.

You cannot stay married to him simply out of pride, a fear of being alone or from sheer embarrassment from making poor choices.

You can fix your own issues re anxiety but its going to take a lot of emotional work on your part and a lot of time in order to do that.

No one should have to endure someone SHOUTING at them for most of the time. Do you really think that is normal? It’s not.

Get out of it. Do not ruin your life.

I’m struggling to see why this is better than being single! What do you mean by it being a couples world? Look around you, there are plenty of people managing quite happily on their own.

And please for the love of all that is good do not ever bring a child into this, whatever you decide to do going forward.

expatka, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't believe how brave you are. Well done for leaving that relationship.

If you don't mind my asking, how have you been feeling since you left? Where did you go when you broke up?

I worry about how I'd cope financially. When I was single and without him, I was terrified living alone and saw a bleak future of never being able to buy a house etc. All my friends seemed (and still seem) to talk about is their children and I really just felt so lost and lonely.

I know verbal abuse is bad too but I really feel that the fact your ex-husband was physically abusive towards you is a big deal. I said to my husband, 'with your temper, I worry that one day you'll hit me.' He was horrified I'd even think that and said 'I would never ever hit you.' I believe him too. I'm not trying to mitigate things but I suppose I'm just saying that I don't want to badmouth him to people and make out like I'm innocent in all of this.

It's very interesting that you had a similar experience of couples' therapy. I lost all faith in that.

I wish you so much luck and I hope you don't mind sharing some more.

My cousin, who is a therapist, said she strongly believes a baby would bring us closer. There's a lot of potential between us but we have fought every single day since getting married

Your cousin if they really said that is an idiot. Are you sure those were the words?

Also if you fight every day, why on earth would you even want to put a child through hearing and seeing that? Having a baby would be selfish.

You need therapy for yourself and not your cousin who shouldn't be working as a therapist if she's advising to have babies as a way to strengthen a marriages. Babies DROP A BOMB on a relationship and could make the most closest couples struggle.

EthelHornsby, I know there must be plenty of single people out there but funnily enough in my circle, there are none. Literally, all of my friends, bar one, are on the marriage/baby-making train. I was genuinely starting to unravel when I was single. I felt frightened and I got in to awful situations with landlords suddenly trying to sell and looking in vain for accommodation. It was very difficult and returning to my now husband felt like a safe haven, even though the arguing didn't take long to start again...

As for what you say about divorce, AttilaTheMeerkat, I just can't imagine doing that after all of the generous presents people gave us. I would feel like such a fraud. I know people would judge me. After I broke up with him the last time, one friend said she felt sorry for him even though I had told her he shouted etc. He's so nice to other people (much nicer than in private) that she probably just can't imagine what he can be like...I really don't think I could handle another break-up...I'd love to think there was a way of turning this around. The reality is I'll end up childless otherwise, which is a big deal to me as I love children and have always wanted them.

Slundle

Re your comment:-

" I said to my husband, 'with your temper, I worry that one day you'll hit me.' He was horrified I'd even think that and said 'I would never ever hit you.' I believe him too. I'm not trying to mitigate things but I suppose I'm just saying that I don't want to badmouth him to people and make out like I'm innocent in all of this".

He does not have to hit you (yet)to hurt you; what he is doing currently works for him and you fall into line accordingly. I reckon you never ever thought he would have ever shouted at you in the ways he has done too; this drip drip has happened over a long time. He feels entitled to act as he does and has done here.

I thought you grew up in a very conservative home and I would think your life at home a sheltered and perhaps a closeted one too.

P.S. I am aware of how to treat children properly and I'm not a selfish person. I suppose our relationship is just extremely volatile. It's up and down all the time...and yes, I know, that's not good for children and believe me, I've said that to my husband time and time again but I don't know how to work on our issues. When we broke up before, he told me he cried every week and that he lost weight etc. He seemed like the victim. No-one knew the inner workings of the relationship so of course, I looked like the b**ch in some people's eyes...I just genuinely cannot go through that again with the added stress of being married. My parents would be devastated. It's just not as simple as upping and leaving. Even financially, I simply cannot afford to leave despite having a good job.

Yes indeed the physical abuse did take things to another level. Mind you he would insist he is not that guy, and still does, we have had contact recently for practical reasons and he continued to minimise it. Which was actually one of the biggest issues for me, that he wasn't even that sorry.

We had just moved away to a new city when we married so that was particularly tough as I did not have a lot of friends or family around. I have stayed, and have been up and down, initially I was actually great, I felt more like myself than I had in years, but there have been tougher periods since. Over all though, it is actually really great to start focusing on myself which I realised I had not done in a long time. I also have anxiety and self esteem issues and since coming out of the relationship I've realised that I really have to address this now and get myself to a place where I am happy with myself and my life without 'needing' anyone else to come along. I agree with some posters here who have said that unless you address these things, you just end up getting into the same relationships over and over.

I totally know where you are coming from on it being a couple's world, I felt like that and it definitely influenced me sticking with the relationship. But I have found that if you push beyond your normal friendship groups, you will find other single people out there who you can enjoy single life more with! It does require effort to do that and I certainly didn't feel like doing it to begin with when I just wanted to sit at home and cry, but bit by bit it is getting better (with the odd step back of course) and I can see a bit more every day that I am heading towards a better life, ultimately.

I'm not innocent in all of it either, I've said things to him when he's been angry and i've been upset that I really regret. But ultimately it's not really about blame, whoever did what I just had to realise that we were toxic together and as sad as it is to let go of the dream of the happy family etc, that wasn't actually going to happen anyway... But it might one day now that I am free of that!

Hope that is of some help, happy to discuss more if useful!

Honestly shrundle, no-one a year down the line post separation would care about you receiving all those presents, judge you for divorcing or think that you are some sort of fraud. Those are your misconceived perceptions.

Marriages do break up and your marriage only a few months in is really on the verge of utter collapse, it is really over bar the shouting.

As I stated before those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. You seem to be far more preoccupied by what other people and your parents think and that in itself is a problem. Why are you so low down on your priority list?. Why do you value your own self so poorly?. They do not see what goes on in your household behind closed doors and they would be horrified if they did.

Abusive people can be very plausible and charming to those in the outside world and other people can be easily taken in by their charm. Your whole relationship is a mess and it was never going to bode well either if you only married him anyway out of societal convention and seeing "everyone else" around you married. Those are terrible reasons for actually getting married in the first place.

The worst thing you could do for your child is to have your H as his/her father. Please do not do that to yourself either.

gamerchick, yeah my cousin said she felt it would help us if we had a child and bring us closer...but I can see now how life isn't that simple. Thanks...I've always looked up to my cousin because she's a therapist but I guess all therapists don't get it right!

Are you seriously willing to live the rest of your life based on what other people think?

If you were to seat together and just ask each other what you both hope for the future? Do you love each other? Are you both willing to change?
Why are you together?
What do you hope for your futures?
Can you work out your differences?
Are you happy?
I'll start the conversation by saying I'll like to know how you feel?
I don't want to fight I just want to understand how you feel.
Be honest and no combative. Your future it's at stake.
I've been married 29 years tomorrow and better to have an honest conversation now than live sad and unhappy.
Communication it's key.

Ps: sounds like he is angry at you. Find out if that's true and listen without fighting and justifying.
Something isn't flowing between you find out.

No they certainly do not. Your cousin is not fit to be a therapist if she is saying such nonsense to you. You need impartial people to speak to as well, not family members or other relations.

Your barriers to leaving are not insurmountable ones although you are making them out to be so. You cannot stay within this also because you think your parents would be "devastated". Its not about them, its about you. This is your life and merely two months in your marriage is imploding. Was it ever going to be anything other than what is it now, no.

Abuse as well is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof; its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you.

He is angry at you because you are calling him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Thanks AttilaTheMeerkat....the truth is I couldn't ever tell my parents how he treats me. They love him. They really do. And well, my Dad had a pretty bad temper growing up (he's improved in his old age thank God and now it's just other stuff) so I'd just open up a wound for both of them...we don't discuss things. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave but I see going to therapy as a crucial first step. it's ridiculous that I think he'll change. I feel so unloved everytime he ignores me and this seems to further my neediness...god, it really is a mess...I'm only realising just how much when I write all of this down.

expatka, I bawled crying the morning after our wedding...I've barely been able to look at the photographs...now my crying was really due to a wardrobe malfunction and the self-consciousness of everyone seeing it. I felt so sorry for him though as he was so happy, the happiest he ever was he said. I felt awful that I just didn't feel as happy...I really do admire you for what you've done...

I take my hat off to expatka for writing so honestly and for getting out of her marriage. It takes courage to do that and I sincerely hope you find that same strength within your own self. It is there and deeply buried.

You can dig yourself out of this hole that has been partially dug by him for you. Do not grow flowers in this.

We learn also about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what your dad in particular taught you. You subconsciously perhaps married someone just like he.

.I've always looked up to my cousin because she's a therapist but I guess all therapists don't get it right!

Your cousin is dangerous tbh, dishing out such rubbish.

How old are you OP?

You seem very young to consign your life to the dustbin.