Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Your cousin needs to be struck off, that's the worst advice I have ever heard a therapist dish out.

Please don't stay in a crap, horrible marriage for the sake of pride and other people's opinions. I think that you already know that this is not going to work. You've been miserable since the day after your wedding. Don't waste your life on something and someone who makes you feel like this.

For what it's worth, I got divorced after a year. Yeah, other people probably made a judgement about this but it's not their life. I have never, ever regretted it.

I don't think you're a bitch OP, I'm alarmed at the baby talk. Don't bring a baby into the world under these circumstances.

Tbh the way you write says you think that everything's out of your control, that this is your lot.

It doesn't have to be. Stop thinking about other people's feelings at the expense of your own

No matter what anyone says, relationships shouldn’t take ‘work’. Yes, there are times when you have to put your own desires on the back burner and support your partner but you should be a team facing life together. There’s nothing wrong with you or him, you might just need to be with different people.

Your cousin needs to be struck off, that's the worst advice I have ever heard a therapist dish out.

Struck off what? There’s not even any law against advertising yourself as a “therapist” so there’s certainly nothing to be “struck off” and most people know that true therapy has to be impartial and so wouldn’t expect advice from a family member to be impartial nor effective. Maybe she sees something in the OP we don’t- knowing her for most of her life I’d guess she maybe does have more insight into her life than us. Maybe the suggestion of a child could be to focus on something other than small issues that are allowed to grow bigger- and with a child you’re certainly less likely to be fighting over little things and you don’t really get the chance the be needy as you have someone who needs you. So I can’t rubbish the cousins advice as a cousin- as a therapist- yes, but a relative, no.
The relationship has gone on for 12 years OP and you’ve returned and you talk about needing him and yet he seems to need you as well as you say he was so happy on your wedding day. I think there will be much to salvage and I don’t see the control/abuse issues really that so many others are shouting about, I really don’t. I see a confused and insecure woman who could definitely do with some focus on “who am I?” Without needing the title of Mrs. Who ARE you? What do YOU want? And what are the next steps for you to be happy in your own skin and with the confidence to make your own choices.
Stop the petty arguing. Walk away from shouting, don’t be spoken to like crap. Voice your expectations but be reasonable. The more you get to know yourself the stronger you will be and you will know if this relationship can work. We can’t possibly know that from here.

When I first read the OP I knew you'd have had a big wedding. Planning tends to take the focus off the relationship and gives you hope for the future - only to come down from a high and realise the mistake.

You need to decide who you are and what will make you happy.

Have a baby another way!!

Parents will forgive their children anything and everything. They will understand. I bet your mother already knows. Go and speak to her.

Thanks mimibunz...the problem is we broke up for a good few years, which was honestly like grief. It was actually worse than a bereavement I had suffered...and he said the same...I really missed all his good points and seemed to forget the bad...I have all kinds of fear of abandonment issues which I know sounds wishy washy but it's true...I've never been able to walk away. The truth, I know, deep down in my heart, is that I should never have taken him back after our first break-up but he pulled out all the stops and my heart broke for him..and now here we are...

gamerchick, thanks..you make a good point...people often say I do that. Sometimes I regret letting everything about my wedding day be about what he and my parents wanted. It was basically a combo of what they wanted. I'm not a doormat but I suppose, I just wasn't excited enough to have my own 'vision' for the day...

Someone mentioned having a non-combative chat (sorry, I don't remember the name and it's not on this page). Well, I've tried that but he shuts down and often leaves the room or the house. He's just not in to talking about feelings etc. In some ways, I'm too complex a creature for him and I vex him...he's definitely angry at me and I feel so guilty for breaking it off with him that time. Our relationship was always volatile though but I feel there used to be more genuine love. The thing is I do care deeply about him but I know he's judging me. Even today, I tried to calmly talk about our situation but he made a comment about how I've wasted the evening moping, which I have...

Lookatyourwatchnow, do you mind my asking how it worked out for your after breaking up? What were the initial months like? Did you have a place to go? I admire you so much. I don't know how you did that.

Thanks Isadora2007...good points...as for walking away from shouting, the problem is any issue that comes up results in him shouting. He has a temper and it's a bit embarrassing. His friends know that about him. They'd know he has a short fuse...but we literally cannot resolve anything unless I approach it like I would with a child. Thanks for your insight. I certainly am a confused, insecure woman and I'm kind of embarrassed that that's who I am at this stage of my life after all the decisions I've made. My sisters turned out okay. How on earth did I end up being the messed up one...anyhow, the genetic lottery maybe. Thanks.

As well as counselling read books"the verbally abusive relationship" Patricia Evans and Lundy "why does he do that".

What was his childhood like?

I went to a wedding a few months ago and I would not judge them if they broke up.I would feel sad for them but know it won't have been an easy decision.

Speak to your mum and let her know what is happening.If she cares for you she will want you to feel happy

You really sound like you need a lot of therapy on your own, with a good therapist. There is a lot to work through here. It sounds like you are clinging to this relationship because you fear being alone... nothing could be worse than being in a miserable relationship with someone who you can't communicate with. You should not feel like this so early on in the marriage. For Gods sake don't have children whatever you do. You will bring them into a toxic situation and screw them up. It will also make things so much harder when you do decide to leave, as you inevitably will eventually.

@Isadora2007 shame on you for suggesting that you support such dangerous, thoughtless advice to have a baby to mend a relationship.

OP. Yes, it was difficult for a bit. But not for as long as I had expected. And it was much less difficult than being in a relationship with a difficult and unpleasant man. I quickly found a circle of friends, I had a peaceful home, I was less stressed in work and better at my job, and I had control over my own life. Nobody cared about the early divorce after initial nosiness. And then later, I found somebody who makes me happy.

OP whatever you do, don't stop posting here.

@lookatyourwatchnow
I don’t really care what you think of my “suggested support”.

wow. your cousin is dishing out some bad advice. what kind of 'therapist' is she... no one reputable would say something that stupid.

having a baby puts a relationship, and everyone's resources... time, money, patience under SO much pressure. don't be a fool.

With my personal experience once it’s rocky the rocks never go away.

Do not be embarrassed. But respect yourself, be brave & walk away

OP, I think attachment theory could help you. It sounds like you are anxiously attached in style, and he might be an avoidant. There are things you can do to improve things.

psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/

The book "Attached" is very good for a more in depth look at this.

do you happen to live in ireland?
do you worry what the neighbours will be gossiping about??
who cares!! sod them

get out

this is an abusive relationship
take it from me - I just got out of a nasty abusive relationship

If you've been in a horrible cycle of together/breakup/together/breakup for all those years, then it is no surprise they you view coupledom as some goal that must be achieved come what may. You have not, it seems, been at any stage sufficiently detached (or for long enough) to see the following truth: this relationship makes you unhappy. This relationship is not a happy one, in the long term. Don't grit your teeth and think you have made a bed you must lie in. Well done on posting here; if your family love him, and you feel alone, please draw support from people here who anonymously can listen to you and give you quiet advice. X

I would prefer a thousand years of living on my own over six months of living with someone like your husband.

PS Your cousin is an idiot.

A thousand years. Me too.

I think you know the answer to all this already, you just haven't found your voice or trust in yourself. Everyone has to find courage to do something that seems scary but they know is the right thing. Having a child in this would be ridiculous.

I hope therapy helps you with that.

Yeah I'd take the thousand years alone too. What an utterly miserable and shit way to live your one precious life! Who gives a shit what other people think! You need help and counselling to realise this is no way to live. I've been with my husband 26 years now and I don't think he has ever shouted at me. This is normal! Your marriage sounds unbearable to me.

I think your fear of being alone, peer pressure, and your parents are keeping you trying to pound the square peg into a round hole.

I second you getting individual counseling to work out your issues. No man or baby will fill up that emptiness you feel inside.

Plus, you can't fix him because he doesn't want to be fixed. He really can control his temper but him being a twat means he gets his own way. He seems to have zero interest in self reflection or change no matter how much it hurts you.

Your cousin was probably just placating you telling you what you want to hear because she knows you care for him. Sure you family may love him but they don't have to live with him and know how he really is behind closed doors.

As for a baby, how do you think his shouting would affect a baby? I guarantee a baby would make things 10x worse with his selfish short fuse.

Do you have an appointment with the therapist?

Are you really going to stay married to this abusive man for the sake of a few toasters?

Listen to yourself @Slundle.

You deserve better. And you’ll get better if you don’t have this millstone round your neck.

Your DH isn’t a nice man. He isn’t even loving or caring, and he’s violent. This isn’t normal.
You are being abused.

Get out now!

For the love of God, do not have a baby with this man.

You are not too complex or too needy.
You have feelings your H doesn't want to deal with. You are a person he doesn't feel like communicating respectfully with. Listening to you would entail taking responsibility for his part in creating this toxic mess. He won't do that. Instead you have the cycle of abuse/apology/buildup/abuse/apology... Nothing gets resolved. This will eventually drive you crazy and you will end up seriously damaged.

It is interesting to see how many of your family and friends think the sun shines forth from this man's ass. That is almost always the way with abusers.

Please contact Women's Aid. You need counselling, both to get over this relationship and to get over your home life. Do this with a view to leaving and standing on your own two feet. WA will also help you tackle your family (who will get over the surprise).

(PS, your cousin is an eejit).