Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Thank you very much. It hurt because he does so much worse than have an 'off' tone & yet I forgive that ... god, this feels awful.

You're never going to get the love and trust and mutual respect of a marriage with a man who USES kindness as an abusive tool

That is such a good point & out of all of the things you've said, that's the most saddening!

As for all of the practicalities, yes I need to start preparing...very good advice...this will take time. I'm getting those godawful feelings I always get when I finally decide to leave.

Don't talk to him about leaving. It is dangerous. He is sensing you moving out of his control.

Call WA as soon as you can. Please.

Thanks

It can't and won't be the rip the plaster off vibe. It's just not who I am. I care too much.

Saying you care too much is part of a denial pattern.

There are a lot of things keeping you from ending the relationship in a realistic amount of time. Shame, guilt, and inability to see a true picture of yourself, among others. It's more likely to be part of a self immolating pattern than caring too much.

You have the emotional habit of subsuming yourself into the dynamic that catches you up in itself. A relationship, the institution of marriage, what your friends and family might think, protocol about the wedding gifts. This is enmeshment. You give things and people power over you when you attempt to control their responses to you. You need to stop doing that.

This should be your mantra:
I'm not responsible for others' emotions nor can I as one mere tiny human possibly fill someone else's void. That's on them to fill and I humbly recognize my limitations. I also respect others by allowing them to choose their feelings, to make their own life choices and to lie with the consequences of their choices. Once I switched my mindset to one of modestly recognizing I'm responsible only for me and giving others room we actually respect it got easier.

Be modest, be humble. You cannot work miracles here. Nobody is going to think of you as a heroine.
www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=62224.0

You need to develop more of a self preservation mindset. Your H in all his behaviour and all his words is attacking you. Every disrespectful, contemptuous gesture chips away at you. There is no way to keep yourself safe while still engaged in this relationship, looking for evidence of H caring for you or caring for the relationship. This man does not have your best interests at heart and no amount of sticking around will change that. No amount of waiting for the right time is going to create the right time. There is never a right time. There is never a good time.

You do not have to work on transforming yourself completely, revamping your personality, giving yourself a total motivation makeover. You just have to decide to stop caring, to stop telling yourself that you care, and to stop caring that other people believe you to be a caring individual. You are hiding.

www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025?tag=mumsnetforum-21
"Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie is a book you should read.

'In Codependent No More, author Melody Beattie asks:

<span class="italic">"Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent."</span>

Codependency is the tendency for the victim in an abusive relationship to develop dysfunctional patterns or habits in the process of trying to cope with a family member or partner who is abusive or neglectful or has an addiction. These patterns include denial of the problem, enabling or support of the abusive behavior, poor sense of self-worth, abandonment of personal goals or values and development of controlling or manipulative behaviors.

Codependents are generally unsatisfied with the status quo, yet often fear the consequences of trying to make a change, of trying to detach or put a stop to the abuse
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/codependency

If you buy the book, DO NOT show it to your H.

Is this you?
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/codependency
Characteristics of Codependency

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the wellbeing of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
More here.
(Cannot be reproduced without express written permission.)
I really urge you to read this, to sign up to coda . org, and start assessing yourself and taking steps toward recovery..

@mathanxiety Thanks very much. I appreciate that and I looked it up. Some of it very much applies to me and some of it doesn't.

Thanks to you all....

I suppose what upsets me is I have good, solid, life-long friendships. I get on very well with my sisters and we have little to no conflict. I get on as well as can be expected with my parents. I have a reasonably good working life. So, my life looks okay on the face of things. But not so...my marriage takes over my thinking and my mind. The sister I spoke to about my marriage etc said that she doesn't think people would believe how low my self-esteem really is and wouldn't believe I'd let someone treat me the way H does.

So many people who have kindly contributed here have come out the other side. I'm sure many of them felt lots of what I'm feeling now. I'm sure many of them felt at one point like they cared too much, like they were going to leave right now but then couldn't. I'm sure so many felt embarrassed, ashamed they put up with it, upset, degraded etc. But I take inspiration from the fact that they did leave and did re-build their lives and none of them expressed any regret. I hope, one day, I'll get there too.

It can be hard to fully 'get' someone from an online forum. I have a tendency to write off the cuff, so one throwaway line can get a lot of air-time afterwards. Really, when it boils down to it, I'm in an unhealthy relationship with a verbally abusive man who ignores me completely when I tell him how I feel. I have been given so much excellent advice on here and I have taken it all in. I must go back and re-read it.

I know I too have a lot to work on. Even after last night and saying I'd leave, I agreed to do a favour for H tomorrow. I know...classic 'please like me' stuff. I've already been thinking up of nice things I could do to somehow mend things. But I do know it's not that simple.

I just wish I could have relationships like the friendships I have. I have friends who I look up to and admire, friends who I wish I could be more like, people who I take inspiration from...

The big thing for me was when I lived with that couple. As it happens, me and the lady have an enormous amount in common, something the man often commented on. She was so similar to me; yet he didn't shout at her or treat her badly. He prioritised her and treated her well. That made me think that maybe I'm not so awful to be in a relationship with after all...but still I went back to H.

I feel some things I've written have been misinterpreted and that bothers me (crazy as that sounds as I know this is anonymous!!). I mean, I basically regret going back to my H when I had finally made the last big break. He had begged me to come back and he had tried so many different 'tacks' as he called them to get me back. I went back for days etc but I managed not to get sucked in..until my cousin suggested I go back (yes, putting too much value on another's opinion). So what I'm trying to say is, I regret my decisions. I regret my actions. Most of my feelings towards myself are pretty harsh and damning. I in no way consider myself better than others, in truth, I probably see myself as being a much bigger idiot or not as important as others. In my circle of friends, I feel like the one who has messed up royally...

Anyhow, sorry this is so rambling and please go easy...I'm just feeling quite emotional and crappy. I'm close to leaving but still haven't managed to pull that plaster off just yet..I'm mostly afraid that I'll go to view a room in a house and the person living there will know H. Something like 'oh! Are you not married to ...XXX?' I need to discuss the impact of leaving with my therapist.

Thanks for reading and for every comment made on this from the beginning. Someone said it's a depressing read and I know it is. If you knew me, you'd be surprised I'm actually a fun-loving person who loves to have a laugh! I'm not a misery guts. Hopefully at some point in the future I'll be able to help someone else out on MN. But this has been a forum to be honest about my relationship and the truth of it is depressing all right.

Peace to you all. May today be a good day for everyone.

It was me who said it makes for a depressing read. It's just so joyless.

I know that we only get a snapshot of the picture on MN.

I've been on here for ten years and posted about my first marriage asking for advice. Some of it was so bloody hurtful. I got called all sorts of names.

But I was desperately unhappy. Having other people criticise me was awful, but actually it was a drop in the ocean of how shit life was.

I got some horrible advice too (wear sexy underwear ) etc.

In the end we did split.

I had a lightbulb moment and he left, came back and then we split for good.

We all know our circumstances are different and that other people don't understand our unique set of circumstances. And that's ok. The advice here is given free of responsibility. None of us know who we're talking to, and we don't need results.

It's all here for your consideration. What you do with it is up to you.

@plire Good that you split and did what you needed to do. That cannot have been easy.

@slundle I just have to reply to this. I’ve read the thread through from first post to last and you’ve come so far. I wanted to share with you that I am in such a similar situation and reading all these supportive and validating comments has given me the strength to leave. I have been married for only two months and in a relationship for 5.5 years overall, and I have finally left. I should have left years ago. When my parents came to collect me we opened a glass of champagne. Things are awful and embarrassing right now, but they WILL get better and despite all the upcoming legal and emotional difficulty, I know it has been the healthiest decision I could take. I am already feeling lighter.

I wish you every strength and I am sending you solidarity. Gather your courage and jump as soon as you feel ready. You’ve already helped me :-).

@FreedomDash Oh my gosh FreedomDash, you're actually my hero! That's amazing. It never occured to me that someone could be following the thread who was in the exact same situation right now. Well done!

If you don't mind my asking, what was the straw that broke the camel's back? How did your H react? It sounds like your parents are very much supporting you, which is good. I know my parents would be heartbroken if I left H.

CONGRATULATIONS! Your post has given me a boost.

It really is unlimely they will be " heartbroken". Sad perhaps or worried about both of you but not broken hearted. Nobody has died.

@slundle

Thanks so much! Actually, I shouldn’t go into too many specifics but I ended up talking to someone else I’d barely spoken to before who really lit a fire under me and made me realise that I am not ‘too difficult’, ‘hard to read’, ‘impossible to please’ or any of the things that I’d been told repeatedly. My friends and family have always had my back but I withheld so much from them out of shame. Once I spilled the full extent of the situation to them, they told me I’d be a fool to stay any longer. They picked me up and moved me out and are holding my hand throughout it all! Soon to be Ex already told people at my work against my will, but I have had nothing but kind words from everyone that matters to me. I am humiliated by the situation but no lower than I’ve been in the past when he’s yelled at me in public, ran out on me before the wedding, and given me the silent treatment in front of family. I only wish I’d had this revelation before the wedding and feel deeply guilty about that. It’s a shame it takes a year before you can formally divorce. Onwards and upwards, though!

As to how he reacted, I left and told him via a carefully constructed message. We had been arguing solidly for two weeks so it was a shock but it was the only way I could go through with it. I would have loved to have the strength to say it in person but I didn’t feel big enough. He was understandably very upset and called me and my friends and parents hundreds of times but I have previously let him get away with whatever he likes so I feel it is kinder for me to just rip off the band aid now. I do feel cruel, but cruel to be kind.

I hope you can have a similar moment of clarity!! Feel free to ask me any questions because I was having what sounds like very similar worries to you

@FreedomDash Thank you. I'll PM you if that's okay.

Thanks to everyone for all of your advice and for sharing so much. Mumsnet has been a real life-line for me. I'll probably be back in the future but I've decided to take a break from it. I think I need to focus more on what to do about my marriage, on keeping that diary (which I still haven't started), on therapy and on ultimately carving out a new, better life for myself without constantly looking for validation from others. Thank you to you all from the bottom of my heart. It gives me faith that kind people take the time to help others on this forum and I really want to be that person in the future. Peace and greatness to you all!

Good luck. xx

Do come back and let us know how you are doing

Wishing you well xx

Good luck! Whatever happens, we're rooting for you, and I'm sure this thread will help people in the future (or even now!). Focus on you and the lovely, bright life you will be building for yourself

I know I'm a bit late to this thread. I just read it all.

If you see this @Slundle, I just want to say that the first few months of marriage should really be fun and romantic. Getting married is the fun part...everyone deserves their day in the sun. It sounds like you are seriously stressed out and your H is just not listening to you...at all. It's difficult to get a picture of what he's like as you say he can be nice too which is hard to imagine from someone who sounds so quick to anger. Having said that, I know everyone has a lovely side! You sound like a seriously good catch so you shouldn't worry too much about being alone. With OLD (& perseverance), it's possible to start again at any age.

It sounds like a confusing place to be. I hope you're managing to reflect and take stock. Hopefully in time it will just become clearer than ever what you should do. Do let us know how you get on.

And also, I know this sounds barmy but keep your head held high if you do decide to leave him. My mother always said this to me when I was a shy child. No matter how low you feel, get out of the hole you're in, leave the house and look up at the chimneys, not down at the pavement. Run or sprint as well - they're great mood lifters. I know the situation is more serious than that but every little helps.

The being nice to other people thing is, imo, a tactic used by manipulative, abusive people. They may not be fully conscious of their behaviour - or they may be - but it is still highly manipulative. I think the manipulation element is that the person behaving in this way wants you to jump higher and higher through hoops. You will never be able to jump high enough. The truth is or was that you were fine just as you were but didn't realize it. When the manipulative/abusive person realizes you are insecure (which is completely normal) they take advantage of this. Because they lack empathy and compassion - probably the two most important qualities in a relationship.

It is easy to be nice, kind and thoughtful towards people where there is no emotional engagement at all. When there is a level of emotional engagement, the whole exchange becomes more highly charged.

If you did not grow up in an environment that made you feel secure and unconditionally loved (many if not most people) then you are probably going to struggle with intimacy. Its scary because the very people who were supposed to love you unconditionally - your parents or whoever were you caregivers - didn't do so. Probably they had their own demons to deal with so it's not a question of blaming. But the end result is that if they were not able to love you unconditionally - why would anyone else?

There are some nasty, or just very damaged people out there who take advantage of this to fuel their own rather sick egos. Ultimately, they will not achieve anything themselves apart from more self-hatred but the damage caused to those they manipulate is huge.

Disengage, disengage, disengage. There are LOADS of people out there who are much less damaged and can and will be kind, considerate, compassionate and thoughtful. Embrace those people. They are NOT boring - they might be amazing, funny, challenging and lots of other things that are positive.

Hi Iforall74 - have you read the whole thread or are you trying to be controversial?
Slundle the main thing is “your eyes are open” - open to the possibility he is abusive and the possibility you will leave him.
You need to get to that conclusion by your self. It takes time.
I’m finally starting to complete my divorce papers. I’m HAPPY I really am. The FOG has cleared. They addle your brain - so sometimes you don’t know what you are doing.
Keep reading about abuse, keep talking to family’ your counsellor, do freedom programme on line - keep moving small steps - by the small example you gave re the lift - WHO does HE think HE is?
He’s cruel and uses power over you. That’s not LOVE.
You take care and you will go when your ready.

Is @1forAll74 OP's husband?? Ugh

Your parents feelings shouldn't even be a consideration. Your mother can't support you, or she'll be forced to confront her feelings about staying in her own abusive marriage. Denial is much easier to justify it. Your father won't support you as he's an abusive man too. But this should not stop you from leaving. It should make you more determined to, so that you don't end up like your mother. Even as a child you could see that it was wrong that she put up with his treatment.

Why are you afraid of shouting from the roof tops what he is like. Why protect him at your own expense. Work on that with your counselor.

As a pp said, shame seems to be the root thing hiding you back.

There is no shame for you. That should all be laid at his feet.