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In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

(530 Posts)
DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 15:54:28

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen.... sad

Feckers2018 Sun 15-Apr-18 16:07:24

I get what you are saying! I think you are feeling overwhelmed. Be grateful you're only in your early 50's!
Its about your thinking really. I'll be happy when I achieve xyz but the thing is about being happy now.
Have you considered HRT? I did and it does make you more positive and energetic.
I guess you are lacking motivation......I get it!
But nothing will change unless you change so its about small manageable goals. But then again why do you have to do anything if you don't want to. Often we are driven to achieve certain things that won't always make us happy. Are you married or single?
By the way you can still see Trinny by searching Trinny Instagram.....she looks fab and is hilarious.

lovemenot Sun 15-Apr-18 16:09:37

Am a bit similar. Get up Mon - Fri, go to work, engage positively with all work colleagues. But go into complete hibernation mode the minute I close my front door. Am about 20lbs overweight, like you I used to run but now have no interest. Force myself out for walks a few times a week but that’s it.

2 years out of an abusive marriage, feel like I’m on an even keel emotionally but have absolutely no desire for a social life. Maybe that’s just part of the recovery journey.

Userwho Sun 15-Apr-18 16:21:20

I find the less I socialise/exercise/organise the less I want to socialise/exercise/organise. Fake it til you make it maybe?

loveka Sun 15-Apr-18 16:21:25

I absolutely 100% agree with you. Perimenopause is a horrendous time I think.

My house needs so much doing to it all of a sudden. I just has 2 weeks off work and did very little. Back to work tomorrow and the house (and garden look shit)

I have been taking St Johns Wort and 5htp. They have really helped me (I was a ball of rage before)

Exercise- I have totally changed what I do. I now go to classes. Zumba, Pilates, aerobics, fat burn instead of just cardio at the gym.

It is hard to stay motivated when I am now a size 14 (was a 10) with no habit changes. The irony is that I look exactly like my mother who didn't have a good diet and never exercised at all. I can remember how she looked at my age. I look exactly the same , same size . And yet I eat heathily most of the time and exercise.

I wish I knew the answer. I feel disatisfied with work too. I'm self employed and in my industry women tend to sort of disappear at my age, but I need to earn a living until I'm 67! I feel I have wasted my skills really and now it's too late.

My plan is to move 250 miles awsy and start a new business. We have had 2 houses fall through, so I just feel thwarted at every turn! But I am hoping that when it happens I will be happier.

Pasdeprobleme Sun 15-Apr-18 16:31:18

Agreed op. I hate being in my 50s. I feel like it’s all downhill now. I keep looking at my parents and thinking how long I’ve got before I’m as old and infirm as them confused.

I’ve also got no motivation for anything. It’s all I can do to walk round the block to post a letter.

Then I’m worrying about finances and retirement (single parent.)

I do think it’s a mindset as tbh I’m still in fairly good health. I’m a bit more achey and it gets harder to keep slim but I look pretty much the same as I did in my 40s.

I don’t know what to look forward to.

Maybe it’s natural to feel like this at this stage of life to an extent as in been there, done that, what next?

GinisLife Sun 15-Apr-18 16:51:39

I know exactly how you feel. I have no motivation to do anything. I'm 3 stone (at least) overweight and can't shift it. I used to run but it hurts too much now. I've just been away for the weekend and walked loads but now I hurt and I'm knackered !! I never thought I wouldn't find another relationship either but I feel like even though (I think) I'm a lovely person with a lot to offer my extra 3 stone puts men off. And I'm still only 26 in my head !!!! I'm sick of being responsible for everything. Mortgage, house repairs, deciding where to go on holiday. I'd love to retire but can't afford to as I'm still paying down my mortgage. Fed up !!!!!

Flicketyflack Sun 15-Apr-18 16:53:22

I'm 45 & could have written you're post sad

Really tired, overweight & fed up! Just had a bath to try & cheer myself up & fell asleep blush

BrownJenkins Sun 15-Apr-18 16:56:05

Have you had your Thyroid levels checked?
If not, please do.
I was exactly the same a couple of years ago. Eventually went to the doctors. My Thyroid level was so low, doctor said he was surprised I had the energy to leave the house.
Been on Thyroxine ever since and am back to my old self.
I'm nearly 60 and have tons of energy and interest in my every day life.
Hope this helps.

IrianOfW Sun 15-Apr-18 17:13:04

Know what you mean. I'm 53 and feeling similar. Eat too much, drink too much, feel helpless in the face of various crises, tired of fighting to keep my head above water, just tired really full stop. I have never been a beauty but I have lost the fresh look of youth and most of the time I avoid mirrors hmm. BUT.... I do still run. At times it kills me and training for my first marathon is murder at times!! But it gives my week a focus and I get regular bursts of adrenalin and endorphins and a great sense of achievement. I joined a running club a few years back and they are a very sociable bunch so I have a much improved social life. Having others who are also running gives you a readu groups of mates to discuss targets and achievements. Most of them do park run too.

GreyandGrumpy48 Sun 15-Apr-18 17:13:23

No answers but feel exactly the same as you OP. I just feel overwhelmed with stuff to do, have 4 stone to lose and no willpower to change.

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 17:40:50

Feckers - I'm already on HRT - it's not done a lot for me other than I'm not boiling hot all the time and can sleep through the night!

lovemenot - what's sent me into a slight misery spiral this weekend has been a text from XH. The usual abusive disguised as collaborative, framed as a question but actually it's a bullying demand. I hate his manipulative nastiness. But my issues go beyond this incident.

loveka my garden also looks shit! I've got £1,200 saved to do wallpapering, have some lights put in but I'd also sorely like to get the garden done, it's the biggest mess, literally looks like an old abandoned industrial site (bit like myself really). For what it's worth loveka you need to do weights - you won't turn into The Rock overnight but that's the bit that's missing (see, I know this stuff I really do!!). We may need to set up home together because at 51 I've still got £70k to pay off my mortgage and naff all pension to look forward to, not even a full state pension.

Pasde - yep. The downhill from here bit I really really get, I really do. Some may find it pathetic and self absorbed maybe, but when I was 40 I looked absolutely fucking gorgeous. I was a size 6, there wasn't one spare bit of flesh on me. My face hadn't dropped, I didn't have a sagging neck, wrinkles, I was as perfect as someone who doesn't live in a gym could get. I look absolutely bloody awful now. I cannot bear people to take pictures of me, I never take selfies, I cannot bear it if I catch sight of myself in the mirror when I'm standing up out of the bath. And the problem is, it's not really going to get better, is it? Yes, I could exercise and that is on the list, but that's not going to pull up my whattle or remove the bulging flesh from my belly from two full term pregnancies!

Ginis yes, I hear you. I too do not feel I'll have a relationship again, ever. Not least because I don't even fancy myself any more - I don't feel I'm anywhere near 'date-ready' and sadly my tolerance for accepting crap from a man is set so low, the person would have to be completely exemplary from the get go to have a hope of progressing with me!

Oh Flickety, I do this falling asleep thing. Every Sat/Sun afternoon I can be found on my sofa, surrounded by unvacuumed floors and many other domestic tasks that haven't been done, gob open, fast asleep. I get SO exhausted.

I have had my thyroid levels checked Brown, all normal (kinda wish it was that then at least something could be done about it!!). I've been told 'get onto HRT that'll sort you out'. It hasn't. Get onto a multi vitamin you're probably deficient in D/B12'. That hasn't worked either. Still got terrible brain fog as well.

IrianofW - I do think that exercise and getting in shape will be the key thing for me (ha ha, if only I could motivate myself to do it!). I looked at local running clubs but they didn't do their runs at times I could go on them - so once again, was running alone and slogging away getting no endorphin hit - I got it when I was in my 40s and used to think 'yay, I could run forever' when it came on. Just never get that any more and makes the whole experience absolutely totally unpleasant. I take my hat off to you training for a marathon I really do. You're amazing.

What's the answer for us all GreyandGrumpy because it seems almost impossible to hook up with people who are in the same boat as you. I've tried jogging buddies type things and that didn't work as people are at different levels to you or can't run on the nights you can and so on.

No idea if we can work out the answer of how we regain our mojo.

loveka Sun 15-Apr-18 18:14:51

Yes, weights are important. In my 40's I did weights and had a figure like Kylie Minogue. Its's the bit I just can't seem to do anymore. I do Pump classes but they tend to be a rubbish times for me.

Do just try a few classes and see if they grab you. I used to think I would hate them but I don't.

I also hate seeing myself in the mirror. I am just a blob now. My hair is awful, dry and goes grey within about 5 minutes of dying it.

My house is just such a shit tip whatever I do. It seems to know I have rejected it and it is falling apart. Broken dishwasher. Floor flooded and had to be taken up due to broken dishwasher. Ceiling came down in utility room when we had a leak in the bathroom. Every room needs decorating. And it goes on.

Would you be willing to give St Johns Wort a try?

StaplesCorner Sun 15-Apr-18 18:20:51

All this and more. I'm 55 - I don't know whether to deal with my parenting fails as mum to teenagers, plan to get rid of "D"H when the mortgage runs out, or get a new mortgage, have been offered various new jobs then decide I don't like them, I vacuumed earlier nearly killed me. As for 3 stone overweight ... I just feel like I am in a constant waiting room and someone will decide which crises I head off to deal with next.

StaplesCorner Sun 15-Apr-18 18:23:11

As for sleeping - if I finally drift off 2am then by 5 I am wide awake and going through pension options in my head, till I fall asleep 10 minutes before the alarm goes off.

Most days (today included) if I cook any sort of dinner by 8 its a bloody miracle.

LuckyLuckyWoman Sun 15-Apr-18 18:27:50

This is so me.

I said to DH this afternoon 'I'm so bored'

Was thinking about the coming week and it's like groundhog day/week/month/year

I am two stone overweight at least, miserable and have no oomph about me to change anything.

I am considering of having my hair cut really short just to avoid spending an hour washing/drying/straightening it, just for it to look hideous an hour later and that's when I can be bothered.

I loo in the mirror without seeing myself, if that makes sense. I can see the hair or the clothes, I just don't see me.

Absolutely no idea on how to give myself a kick start, just despair that this might be my foreversad

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 19:03:24

R u on HRT Staples? For me it really helped with my sleep - I hadn't realised how bad it was. Mind you, I still feel utterly spent when I wake up but at least I don't have to keep getting up at 3am! Oh no, The Financial Worry Zone! It's absolutely SHIT isn't it! Do I destitute myself every month by adding £250 onto my existing car payment so that by the end of next March I've paid it off? Or do I pay off some credit cards? Or do I pay off my mobile phone contract early? Should I reinstate my pension at work which I cancelled after a few months there because I actually need the money for my monthly outgoings? What will I live on whenever I'm simply too unfit to work or have dementia?

There's a couple of exercise classes v v close to me Loveka and cheap - only Zumba - but it would be something wouldn't it. I find a lot of classes I can't (and shouldn't) do a lot of the moves like explosive moves you know? I've got sacro iliac joint problems on one side so pelvis isn't stable, mild hernia on one side to Insanity Abs is a no-no, one dodgy knee (so I can't do any lunges) and a shoulder that has a propensity for rotator cuff problems. I'm pretty much fit for the knackers yard. I actually, REALLY, want to really get into lifting. I want to be STRONG again. I used to be. I worked several outdoor jobs that involved heavy lifting and real strength - I really miss having that. I'm toying with the idea of getting a barbell set so I can start squatting. I no longer have a middle! Wonder where it went... I totally would be willing to give St John's a try - can I go with that as well as the HRT, multivitamin, CBD oil I've just started?!!

Lucky I know what you mean about the hair. I've got a longish bob at the moment. What has helped me is a silk pillowcase. It helps a bit but my hair's as flat as a pancake on day 2 after I've washed and styled it the previous day and frankly, looks crap. Is your hair frizzy?

I too feel 'this is it'. And the next young male person calls me 'love', I'm gonna deck them.

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 19:04:30

Those of you wish DHs/DPs - can you do things together to motivate each other? It's just me on me tod although I could possibly get DD to accompany me on runs and to classes, other than that, literally no friends outside of work colleagues.

StaplesCorner Sun 15-Apr-18 19:12:27

I dream of being on my tod.

rebelrebel3 Sun 15-Apr-18 19:13:01

Have you tried Testosterone? I felt really rubbish for a while in my late 40s with low energy, brain fog, depression etc, then went to a private gynaecologist who prescribed combined hrt which is different to what you get on nhs. It's a combo of bio-identical oestrogen and testosterone. Apparently the worst menopause symptoms (or the ones i had anyway) are from testosterone loss and nothing to do with oestrogen...the doc i saw believes failure to recognise this is a huge deal and is why so many women over 50 get prescribed anti-depressants...we're not actually depressed we just need our mojo back. Gotta say it worked for me in a huge way, i left my marriage (best thing ever), fell in love and am in great shape with tons of energy. Yes I'd love a facelift and no creases on my tummy but i feel sexy as hell at 55 - much more so than at any other time. I think sexiness has a lot more to do with loving sex and physicality than having the bod of a 25 yr old.

StaplesCorner Sun 15-Apr-18 19:13:17

PS Can't take HRT Doin - too fat. Sounds nice tho ... sigh

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 19:22:22

Oh Staples sad - re the wishing to be alone and the bloomin' HRT - denied - status! There are definitely benefits to being alone. Sadly, in recent times I've thought of multi dating an electrician, landscaper, decorator and plumber on an alternating basis in order to get the work done around my house - do you think it could work?!!

I know what you mean rebel - I surely do not feel depressed. I've just got absolutely no get-up and go! Can you hit me with a brand name or medication name of what you take so I can talk to my GP about it (or will she just say 'oh it can't possibly be that blah blah blah')? Did they test you for testosterone levels first?? Does it cost you more than a standard GP-generated prescription?? I'd just like something akin to the bod I had at 40 - it was better than the one I had at 25!!! I used to really love myself then, I don't now. I don't care about society's pressures to look a particular way, I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, even more if I can't get out of being in a photograph. Why is it that a camera captures you in the actual absolute worst way - massive dose of reality. Horrid.

yetmorecrap Sun 15-Apr-18 19:50:01

I do feel you all, so far in my 50s (55) have found out DH was having an emotional affair when I was 43 and has a secretive frequent porn habit, had a terrible time with teenage son for a few years and I feel I am
Losing my looks somewhat and my sex drive went south years ago. I work in a youthful industry too . On a positive point though I made it a priority in last year or so to make new friends who are quite a bit younger and that has helped.

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 20:36:01

Oh dear yetmore. Awful. No one wants to be my friend sad! I had to dump my OH (the one that came after divorcing XH) - he was having a relationship - but with cocaine. That was at age 45. Not what I had planned. I literally have no sex drive and don't even miss it sadly. I do have a colleague who I really get on with at work but I've made good work 'friends' at places before and even when I ask and encourage meet-ups after, no one ever wants to.

user1471462115 Sun 15-Apr-18 20:40:33

Get your vitamin d levels checked. Mine were in my boots and I felt like you did. Exhausted to the bone, no mojo, and low mood.
Then make sure you take enough as my GP didn't prescribe enough and I now feel so much better. I am now loving my mid fifties . And have spent hours in my garden this weekend and it is starting to look as I want it to

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